Darkness permeates
by DaMick
Summary: Ever wonder what might happen if someone else came to help buffy? It doesn't work out quite how it's supposed to. Complete. Reviews are still like oxygen.
1. Buffy

CHP 1 - Sunny dale- Buffy season four. The bullets ricocheted over my head as I dove for cover beside the mausoleum. I checked my weapon and popped back around the corner to plant three rounds in the head of the guy rushing toward me. At least I think it was a guy. Anyway he went down, now where was that other guy. I started slowly to my right, keeping low and listening. I dove for the deck as some kind of sword swung through where my head had just been. I rolled forward, aimed backward over my head and squeezed the trigger. He staggered as I rolled to my right onto my stomach and sighted in on his head.  
  
Suddenly the guy, who's head I was about to put a round into, got this funny kind of look on his face as a pointed wooden stick jutted out of his chest and then he exploded. No, he really exploded, like into a cloud of dust. The petite blond standing behind where he had been just a second ago looked at me with this kind of 'who are you and what are you doing in my garden' look on her face for a second before turning to her right and staking the guy who's head I'd just put three rounds into. As he exploded into dust she turned and walked toward me to give me a hand up. She looked at my Glock with a kind of puzzled look on her face as I cleared it and put the round that was in the chamber into the magazine before putting it back in the weapon and tucking it back away.  
  
"Those things? Never useful." She said.  
  
"Hey, thanks. What were those guys?"  
  
"Vampires. Can't be killed by bullets. Gotta have crosses, stakes or sunlight."  
  
"Oh. Vampires. So they're real. I guess they must be, seeing as they just tried to kill me. Sorry, and you are?" I was still a little on the adrenaline and I guess my mind wasn't quite working correctly yet.  
  
"Me? I'm the thing that hunts them. Anyway, your okay and they're dust so I'm gone." She turned and started walking away.  
  
"Wait, I don't even know your name or how do I thank you for helping me out?" she stopped and turned back.  
  
"Look, I don't normally get into conversations with people in cemeteries. Besides I still have some patrolling to do and you need to go home."  
  
"Look, I'm not asking for the world here, I just want to know the name of my rescuer. Please." She seemed to hesitate for a second as if deciding to make some kind of commitment.  
  
"My name is Buffy." She seemed about to say something else, but just stood there waiting.  
  
"Buffy. My savior's name is Buffy. Wow."  
  
"Hey, don't make fun of my name; I saved your life mister funny namer guy." She seemed ready to walk away.  
  
"Wait. I think it's a great name. I'm Jake. I'm only in town here for a few days. I'd like the chance to get to thank you properly. What do you say?" At this I'd like to think she looked a little regretful, but she was all business when she said,  
  
"I don't think so. I've gotta go." And she turned and was gone. I picked up my dropped knife and made my way back to where I got attacked and then shot at the first time. Wait. If it was vampires that attacked me and vampires kill by drinking blood then why did they shoot at me? I realized that didn't compute a half second before the gun was pressed up against my skull and the hostile voice on the other end of it told me not to move. Will this night ever end?  
  
"What do you want?" I asked. I put my hands up and relaxed. This I can deal with. I leaned slightly back against the muzzle until he pushed back and I spun quickly to my left hitting the gun with my left hand and my right hand going to his forearm to joint lock and throw him to the ground while I drew my gun and chambered a round.  
  
"I asked you what you wanted, why don't you go ahead and tell me now." He started to push himself up so I put my foot on his back and pushed him back down. "Don't move; just tell me what you want."  
  
"I thought you were someone else." He said.  
  
"Someone you just shoot at and don't talk to first? Who? What do you really want?" he seemed like he didn't want to say anything else and that just wouldn't do, so I pushed down a little harder with my foot.  
  
"I said, what do you really want?"  
  
"Alright, already. I work for a former employer of yours and after you betrayed him he put out a hit on you. I was looking to collect a cool hundred thou if I could take you down."  
  
"That makes a little more sense, but I've never betrayed an employer yet so which one are you talking about." He spilled his guts over the next ten minutes, having a gun pressed to your neck and a few well placed kicks will do that to you. When I'd heard enough to know he wasn't going to tell me everything I knocked him out with a pistol whip. I dragged him into the bushes and left him there, picked up his gun and did a quick little canvas of the area to see what else was hiding in the bushes. I went back to my car and pulled up next to the bush so I could throw him in the back before taking him to a Doctor I'd met the night before. If he didn't want to talk to me, he'd definitely talk for him. After dropping him off I headed back to the hotel room I'd rented for the week. That night as I went to sleep, I dreamed of my blond haired savior and what she could do to me besides save my life. 


	2. Angel

CHP 2 - L.A. Angel season three.  
  
I ran down the dark alley after the vamp I'd just stopped from drinking a couple he'd pulled off the street. He dodged around a corner and I stopped to listen before running after him. Right into the trap. Four more of them stepped out of the shadows and started at me. I grabbed hold of the fire escape ladder above my head and swung to kick two of them in the face. Letting go and landing, I dropped low and swept the feet out from under the third and staked him immediately before stepping up into a high kick that sent the fourth flying onto a broken pallet laying by the dumpster, staking himself. The one who was running from me ran back up and kicked for my head, but it wasn't there. I dropped below his kick and grabbed his leg, bringing him down to the ground, rolling him onto his stomach and staking him. The two I'd kicked were up by this point and started toward me. Suddenly I was grabbed from behind by another vampire that'd come up the alley behind me. While I was trying to get a hold of his head, the other two kept coming closer.  
  
A dark shape dropped down from the rooftop behind them grabbing them both by the neck and taking them down with him. The one grabbing me stopped to look at them, giving me the chance to twist and elbow him in the neck before grabbing his leg and dumping him on the ground while I dove for my stake. We got up at the same time and he started slowly working his way in on me. Uh oh, looks like he actually knew what he was doing and wasn't all big on the super speed and strength like most of these newbie vamps were. He led with his left hand and knee at the same time and tried to snake his foot around my leg for a grapple move. Looked like a kendo style. We squared off for a good two minutes before he made a mistake. He made me mad. He rope-a-doped me leading with his left and swung around with his right and clocked me right in the nose. I stepped back and then right back with a strong right kick he ducked past and then I did a spinning round house kick throwing him right onto the same broken pallet his buddy got staked on before. I looked around to see how the guy who was helping me was doing just in time to see him dust both vamps at the same time.  
  
"You alright?" I asked him. He looked at himself quickly before nodding affirmative. "I'm Jake."  
  
"Angel. You're bleeding." I put my hand to face and looked at it then licked my lips tasting blood.  
  
"Yup, looks like. Probably broken... again."  
  
"What were you doing fighting all those vamps at the same time? Did they attack you?"  
  
"Yeah, after I chased that one from the street he ran me into their trap. I wasn't expecting it because where I'm from I guess I'm the only one doing the chasing. I guess that trap was probably for you. Thanks for helping out." I waited for a second looking at him until I was sure.  
  
"You're a vampire too." I started edging to my right and put my hands out to be ready for the attack I couldn't perceive yet. He made no move whatsoever.  
  
"Yeah, but I've got a soul. I'm one of the good guys. Why else would I be killing my own kind?" It was quiet for a moment while I tried to figure out if I could believe him or not.  
  
"Alright, sorry I accused. You're the first vampire with a soul I've met, so pardon the surprise and skepticism."  
  
"No problem. It's kind of what I do. Come on with me back to the office and we'll get you cleaned up and maybe you could give me a hand." He led the way back to the Hyperion. He let me use his bathroom and as I was cleaning up I heard him talking to a few other people about me. I heard them ask about what happened and he told them that I was good. One of them asked him if I was a demon of some kind and then Angel said not that he'd ever heard of. I thought that was a pretty good entrance line for me so I went out into the lobby.  
  
"Nope, I'm not a demon. Sorry to disappoint." Everyone turned to look at me.  
  
"I'm Jake and I'm just in town for a week chasing after a former employer of mine who decided it was a good idea to send a demon to try and kill me. I just happened upon that vamp I chased into the alley."  
  
"Nice to meet you, I'm Cordelia and this is Wesley and that's Gunn. I heard you gave them a run for their money, do you do that sort of thing a lot?"  
  
"Well, a little over a year ago was the first time I'd ever seen a vampire, but they tried to kill me so ever since I've been kind of on the lookout for them."  
  
"The first time you saw a vampire you killed them both? Wow, no wonder you know what you're doing."  
  
"To tell the truth I got saved by a blond beauty who said she did it all the time. I don't know, there's just something about a girl that saves your life. Ever since I've kept learning all I can about demons, vampires, magic, you name it. I figure, if I don't fight them who will?" There was silence for a few seconds before Angel spoke.  
  
"You know Buffy." A statement not a question and he had kind of a strange look on his face.  
  
"How'd you know her name? Did she save you too?"  
  
"Actually she killed him first. They used to date." Cordelia, full of useful information, seemed kind of eager to get away from the subject.  
  
"So have you seen her lately? I mean since she made her little... trip." Angel seemed thoughtful.  
  
"I didn't know she went anywhere. I haven't seen her since actually. I did send her a thank you card in the mail though, if that counts. I got her address from a buddy of mine who's a cop." Everyone was really quiet and looking both at me and Angel. Angel looked at nobody but the floor. Finally he seemed to be putting a weight off of his shoulders and he looked up and at me. Then he shook his head and walked behind the counter to pick up a file that he opened up and then pulled out a picture to show to me.  
  
"Have you seen this thing around since you've been here?" He handed me the picture of some kind of a demon I'd never seen before.  
  
"Nope, sorry. What kind of a demon is that anyway?"  
  
"That's what I was looking for when I found you. It's called a dresla beast and it's from a different dimension, so it's no surprise if you haven't heard of it. And no offense, but it's still out there and we've still gotta catch it." This last was spoken mostly to the rest of his team. They gave each other a look and then started to go grab they're gear and head for the door.  
  
"I'll come along, if it's alright with you guys. Maybe I can lend a hand. Repay the favor." So I followed the crew out to Angel's car that I guess Cordelia and them had been using. I sat in the front and the other three got in the back with Angel driving. I asked him how we were going to track it.  
  
"Well, that's the tough part. Last time we did this we had a psychic hunter helping out."  
  
"Do you remember what he said it sensed like? In his head I mean?"  
  
"Not really, something like hunger or fury."  
  
"Alright, give me a minute." I centered myself, locked myself down and then opened myself up. I picked it up almost immediately. "That way."  
  
"How do you know that, are you psychic?"  
  
"A little bit. I've got some telekinesis but mostly just a reading of feelings and strong thoughts sometimes too. I use it mostly against my opponents as far as seeing what their next move will be."  
  
"Sounds like it comes in handy" Angel seemed to still be a little preoccupied. I wondered how serious he and Buffy had been. Maybe if we got a moment alone we could talk about it. So it went as I kept telling him directions as we tracked the dresla closer to the warehouse district. Finally I knew we were close. I didn't realize how close until he dropped off the roof onto the back of the car. Cordelia screamed and Gunn let out a shout as he backhanded it in the face. Angel spun the car around and gunned the engine trying to hit it with the car. I stood up on my seat and then jumped as the dresla dodged to the right of the vehicle. My jump turned first into a kick as I nailed it directly in the chest and then a roll as I came to my feet ready to finish it off. My kick had sent him flying off course to hit the wall of the building on the corner of the intersection. He seemed like he wanted to get up but wasn't able. As I was waiting for it to get up without getting any closer in case he was faking, the rest of the gang ran up behind me. Angel stepped in next to it and picked it up by the neck and then twisted it sharply to break it.  
  
"Good job, Jake." Cordelia seemed almost as happy that it was dead as she was not to have had to break a nail doing it.  
  
"Quite a good job, we might as well have stayed home for this one." Wesley seemed less happy and more relieved that it was done. We got back into the car and headed back to the hotel. I decided it would be best to wait until we got back and maybe had some time to ourselves before asking about Buffy anymore. When we got back to the hotel the gang more or less scattered. Wesley and Gunn headed home almost immediately, and Cordelia stuck around for about twenty minutes trying to chat me up before she decided she'd see me again and went home for the evening. Angel and I went into his office to talk a little bit him with his blood and me with coffee.  
  
"So how long did you and Buffy date?" I tried to lead it off slowly to eventually work around to what I really wanted to know. He saw right through me.  
  
"Buffy and I haven't been together for three years. We could never work as a complete couple anyway." We started talking about history, I went first as mine was shorter. I didn't tell him everything, but I told him what I thought he needed to know and maybe a little bit more for realism. Then it was on to recent history. I told him about what I did now for work. I was basically a bounty hunter, tracking down specific demons, vampires or other criminals and killers for paying customers, specifically the rich paying customers. Before a year ago I'd mostly dealt with the human criminals; a killer, rapists, kidnapping recovery was my specialty. After my brush with the underworld I began doing as much research as I could about everything I could until I realized one day that there really wasn't anyone fighting the war. If no-one else is going to do it, I thought, might as well be me.  
  
I upped my training and dug into my savings for some serious stuff dealing with magic and other, more physical, training. I even flew to Tibet to study for six months straight on my psychic training. I would have kept studying except for a vision one of the priests there had while I was in the monastery. I was told only part of it, but what I learned chilled me to the core. Buffy was going to die. According to them there was nothing I could do, but I left anyway and went back to sunny-dale where I watched her from the shadows beat up some vampire in the cemetery. That was after the day they told me she was going to die, so I figured she was still okay and they were wrong. I didn't go back; instead I started getting serious about fighting and magic, trying to combine the two. I found out the hard way that some things worked and others didn't. finally I got to the point financially that I couldn't just study anymore I had to work too. I came here on personal business after the last guy I did a few jobs for decided not to pay me for the last one and instead tried to kill me with another demon. I lived and came here to settle up.  
  
He asked me if there was any way that he could help and I told him I thought I could handle it, but thanks. What I wanted to know about was Buffy. Where did she go, I asked him?  
  
"She Died" 


	3. Everyone alive

CHP 3 – LA Angel season three  
  
I was still in shock. I couldn't believe it. Silence reigned in the room and neither of us was willing to challenge it. Finally I decided I needed something else if we were going to talk about this now.  
  
"I don't suppose you've got something a little stronger than this do you?" He looked up in mild surprise more at the sound of my voice I think than the question I asked. After a second he nodded and then pointed at a cabinet behind my head. After fortifying my coffee and then myself with his Irish whiskey I returned to my seat and leaned back.  
  
"Okay. Wow. So she's really dead. I never even got the chance to thank her properly."  
  
"Well, she's not actually dead now." He said.  
  
"WHAT?!?" I was amazed and pissed off at the same time. "How could you do that to me? How could you not tell me she was alive?!" I was standing and shouting at him now. He seemed like to fall off of his chair. What the hell was happening? Was he playing with me; testing me?  
  
"Wait a minute and I'll explain everything. Calm down. I can't make you understand unless you're willing to listen." I sat back down and took a few sips of my coffee and tried hard to center myself again. I got myself under control and nodded for him to continue.  
  
"Buffy got killed by a magic portal created by the blood of her sister who was originally a magic key as old as time. Once the portal was opened by an old god cast out of her own dimension that Buffy defeated, the portal had to be closed by Dawn's blood. That's her sister by the way. So Buffy figured that Dawn's blood is her blood and she jumped through the portal in her place and died." After he told me when it happened I had to think a bit about when it was I saw her last and something didn't add up.  
  
"Then who was it that I saw. I could have sworn it was her. She did say something kind of weird though. She told the vamp a knock knock joke before she staked him." He thought for a moment before responding.  
  
"She did used to always have a snappy comeback ready during her fights. I think that what you saw was the Buffy bot. A robot made to look like her."  
  
"Did they have it made after she died?"  
  
"Not exactly one of our old enemies actually had it made."  
  
"Why would one of your enemies build a robot that looked exactly like the slayer but without the intelligence of her? Oh. Wait. Don't answer that."  
  
"Yeah." He leaned back in his chair and sighed.  
  
"So how did she get back? Y'know, from being dead and all."  
  
"Her friend Willow brought her back. She's a powerful witch and she made a plea to Osirus. Buffy came back. She's been back for a few days now from what Willow tells me. Seems to be doing so far, but I haven't heard from her directly yet and I'm not really expecting to. She's been through a lot where she was."  
  
"I can only imagine."  
  
"I don't have to. I've been there myself and I can feel for her. I want to go see her, but it's too soon for that. She just got back and I don't want to overwhelm her." All this was good to know, but it wasn't getting me what I really wanted to know, time to get back on track. Here we go.  
  
"So how serious were you guys when you were together?" if it was possible he slumped down even further in his chair and he took a long time in answering.  
  
"We were serious. I loved Buffy more than anyone else in all of two hundred years. No one could really replace her in my heart, but we could never be together. I know that now. I could never make her truly happy. I could never be for her what she needed. If I ever have just a single moment of happiness my curse is lifted and I lose my soul."  
  
"By happiness you mean..."  
  
"Exactly."  
  
"Oh. I see. I'm sorry man, really I am. So what about you guys now?"  
  
"Now... there is no us now. She's got her own life and her own problems just like I've got mine. We pretty much stay away from each other; as much as possible actually. As long as the temptation exists it's better if it's not waved in front of your nose like bone in front of a dog." He was getting emotional now and I was the one drinking. Something here wasn't right.  
  
"So if losing your soul wasn't an issue, what do you think would happen? Would the two of you be together?"  
  
"I don't know why I'm even telling you this. Maybe it's just nice to have someone else around here with a brooding kind of feel to him. I became human once. I had a soul, I could feel and taste and eat. I could have Buffy. It happened when she came to visit her dad two years ago. We were together at last and it was perfect."  
  
"I'm sensing a but here."  
  
"But I was just human. I became a liability to her. Someone she had to protect. I couldn't stay like that. I am a champion for the powers that be. I fight the fight that you fight for the same reason, no one else can. With me here like I am, I can do some good. I can save people. I couldn't just stop doing that; people would die. So I went back to the Oracle for the Powers and asked them to make the day disappear. That day never happened for everyone else but me." The only thing I could think of to say was wow, and that just wouldn't cut it right now. I picked up the bottle and offered it to him before I took a swig of it for myself. Was it truly better to have loved and lost? I was still marveling at the idea of a perfect love for just one day before fate and the world stepped in, when he spoke again.  
  
"It's over. It never happened, remember that." I wasn't sure if he was trying to convince me or himself.  
  
"Don't worry about it, man. We're on the same side remember, the same team. You need something and I got your back just like you got mine, right?" Maybe I was a little inebriated, but it was the truth. He'd said it himself, we were fighting the same fight for the same reason.  
  
"It's what I do. All of us (his team). And I might not have to ever make that call, but if I do it's good to know it will be answered."  
  
"Hey, I gotta get going if I'm gonna get some sleep before I track down Carleton tomorrow. Thanks for the drink and the conversation. I like hearing about other peoples lives; it helps keep mine in perspective and reminds me that it's all real." He was quiet, still thinking probably, as I gave him my cell number and the number to my drop-box. Then I stood up and put the bottle away and rinsed out my coffee cup before heading back to the lobby where he was standing waiting.  
  
"Sure you don't need any help tomorrow; it'll give me something to do."  
  
"Thanks, but I can handle one man and his personal protection staff."  
  
I turned to go to the door and took a few steps but stopped to turn and look at him again before I asked him for something I desperately wanted to know.  
  
"What's she like? I mean like in person not when she's saving people."  
  
"She's always saving people, even when they don't always deserve it. She's a good person. Sweet, caring, a leader. The kind of person who always takes care of those around her and does what needs to be done even if it's not something she wants to do. She's also funny and creative and witty. And she's alive." We both stood there in silence for a minute to let the utter appreciation of that concept sink into us. Then I turned again to leave and made it to the door before he spoke again.  
  
"In case I don't see you again before you go find her, good luck and tell her I said hello." It almost wasn't until he said it that I realized it was what I was going to have to do eventually. Find Buffy. I nodded at him and then walked out the door and into the penetrating night. I walked, at first just to clear my thoughts and then just because the rhythm of my own feet hitting the ground created vibrations in the world I could see and understand. I walked past my hotel twice before I finally turned into the entrance way and went up to my room to sleep off the headache I could already fell as the after-effect of being so open to so many people at once.  
  
I woke up early and put on a fresh white undershirt and then a blue buttoned collared shirt left undone under my leather jacket. I put on my boots before I reached under my pillow for my pistol and tucked it into my black jeans beneath my shirt. As I left the hotel I waved at the guy at the desk who'd pulled a string to get me a room on short notice. I got into the waiting cab outside and had it drop me off a few blocks from Carleton's office. As I walked through the front door two armed security guards stood up and moved to either side of me.  
  
"Look guys, I just want to talk to Mr. Carleton, alright? No problems." They still didn't seem to happy to see me, but they did escort me to the elevator and then, once on the 12th floor, down to his lobby to wait until he was available. During the intervening ten minutes I tried a few things to get them to leave, unfortunately none of them worked. Oh well, here we go into his office and the door shuts behind us.  
  
"Well, look who it is. Mr. McBoom, how've you been lately?"  
  
"Me? Oh I've been just fine, aside from being attacked by random demons sent by someone to kill me. How about you?"  
  
"Can't complain. So what do you want from me? Why are you here?" Straight to business, just the way I like it.  
  
"You owe me. I would even be willing to accept payment in cash if you could convince me I can leave you at my back. Although, since you've already betrayed me once, you'd probably have to work pretty hard to do it."  
  
"So just like that, without hearing what I have to say, you're just going to kill me and have that be the end of it. I'm afraid my lawyers were right about you, and that pisses me off almost more than you wanting to kill me in my own office." He stood and walked from behind his desk and to my right and began playing with the crystal decanter filling one glass for him-self. He didn't offer and I would not have accepted. At least that much was clear between us.  
  
"See, that's the differences that make this country great. The last former employer of mine that tried to kill me didn't get the chance to talk. You didn't just affront me with your rudeness, you tried to have me killed instead of paying the rest of what you owe me. The way I see it, you owe me for killing two demons instead of the one we contracted for. That means you owe me more than just money, and my Honor won't let me leave that loose end undone. Now you've still got two choices: you can pay me twice my fee for two demons and let me walk out of here without a fight and as long as we don't ever see each other again, everybody's happy; or I could just kill you right now, right the rest of my fee off as a cost for the entertainment it would afford me to put you out of my misery. It's all your choice."  
  
He seemed to contemplate for a minute of absolute silence in the room except for the rhythmic ticking of the grandfather clock in the corner behind me. It groaned out the change of the hour slowly, like it was almost too tired to make it through that one note.  
  
He reached into a drawer in his desk and asked me if I would take a check. I jumped backwards over my chair as I pulled my pistol out of my belt and as I landed I sprung again sideways into a spinning roll. Just in time as the clock that was behind me exploded from the .45 caliber round fired from the colt still pointed at the clock as I fired. The gun slowly dropped from his limp fingers as he collapsed back into his chair. I swung to cover the two bodyguards, but they were just standing there in shock. Just as I suspected, inexperienced muscle. They made no moves for their weapons, so I shot them too.  
  
I checked his office for some papers, but didn't find much. I took anything relating to me and a few things that looked kind of prophesy-ey. Finally behind the painting (of course) I found his wall safe and broke the combo and found more than I could have hoped for. I took only what he owed me and even left him a receipt for it before I closed and locked the safe door and restored the room to order which included taking the bullets and the recoil spring out of his pistol. He started to come around as I was leaving.  
  
"I know you can hear me, even if you won't be able to move for the next fifteen minutes or so. That gives me plenty of time to get away and you plenty of time to think about why I didn't kill you. You need to understand that killing me won't make your life any better and when you can finally move you need to endorse my receipt and make sure you call off any other attacks on me you might have planned. If you ever come near me again, it will be your last." He tried to say something, but it just came out as a kind of groaning moan and a ball of drool rolling down his chin. I walked out knowing that the tranquilizer I hit them with also suppressed short term memory but also had a hypnotic effect. They would remember that I was there, but it would be more like a vague impression with none of the feelings involved and they would do as I told them to.  
  
I walked out of the building lobby with a self content smile on my face and without anyone stopping me or even giving me a second look; just the way I like it. I got into the same cab I told to come back for me and had him drop me off at the bank where I walked straight past the tellers to the back office. I dropped the bag with the money in it on mike's desk. He's the manager of this bank and he owes me a few favors for saving his life a while back. He counted out the money in front of me and wrote me out a deposit slip all without saying a word until I turned to leave. "Thanks." He said. I just nodded smiling at him and then disappeared out the door. Having time to myself, I stopped by a small outdoor restaurant café for a quick bite to eat.  
  
Making it back to my hotel room without being followed and with no problems afforded me the opportunity to do some much needed thinking. The problem I faced now, as usual, was what to do next with my life. I didn't really have anywhere else to go or anything else to do, at least nothing pressing anyway. I did still very much want to go find Buffy either to help her out or to learn from her. Okay, so I was lying to myself again. I wanted to find Buffy to repay my debt to her. She saved my life and therefore it was now at her disposal. If she needed anything, I would be there for her in whatever way I could. Something about her struck me as special and important and definitely worth the wait for me to be worthy of her. Someone truly able to help the Slayer.  
  
Looking at it now I figured the best way for me to learn about Buffy without actually being there myself would have to be through her ex. Angel knew more about her than anyone else I was likely to find, and I might as well make the most of it and help him out here in L.A. while I'm here. Besides, I'm sure there's a thing or two that I could learn from someone as old as he is even if he wasn't a great fighter and champion. I definitely will not be any the worse off for spending some time here. Glancing at my watch I decided it'd probably be okay for to head off to the Hyperion. Before I did, however, I traded the tranquilizer pistol for my real one; just in case. 


	4. Good Day

CHP 4 Angel season three  
  
The phone rang and Cordelia, as usual, answered it first. This was truly an amazing place. I'd taken the opportunity to explore the depths of this old hotel in any direction I could. I'd found a few things of note, but nothing extraordinary. I spent most of my time there in the basement working out or practicing with Angel or Gunn. Everything else was just working on the cases. I didn't deal with people too much, I left that to the guys who were getting paid for it. I found myself working the same schedule as angel to include many a late night talk after the action at the end of the day. Most of the time we talked about the past, but occasionally we found ourselves talking about where we pictured ourselves. He had his prophesy to look forward to, not to mention at least one more apocalypse.  
  
And me? I didn't know where I would wind up. He, with the benefit of experience, tried to help me puzzle out for myself what I really wanted out of life. Almost every single one of our conversations brought us back to the topic of Buffy. As we grew to know each other more, he let me in on more of their history together. I looked up from my thoughts as Cordelia started breaking down the new information on our current case. Looking from Angel to Cordelia brought my attention to something important between them. I don't think they were together...yet; but there was definitely that kind of connection there. With Angel's history with women, I had no doubt he wouldn't see it or would deny it until it finally blew up in his face.  
  
This new case wasn't anything too difficult. A demon had been harassing a young couple after they moved into the apartment he had claimed as his den. Gunn seemed pretty intent on just killing it and being done with it, but Wesley explained it wasn't dangerous unless provoked by something bigger than it was. Something sounded fishy in Denmark, okay in L.A., but you get the idea. Gunn would do some checking around to see if anything else had been messing with the demon in question, Wesley would do some checking on peaks of demon activity in the area, Cordelia would start checking into the couple themselves to find out more about them. Angel and I would go down there now to check out what was really going on.  
  
We took his car, and on the way the conversation picked up easily for us. Angel had a weird gift of saying a lot without saying much. We could sit together and with just a few words convey what it might take other people ten minutes to fully explain. Most of our conversations actually started with mutual brooding before we started asking about the other's point of view about something that was bothering us, but this time wasn't like that. Angel looked right over at me and started on our favorite topic.  
  
"I was thinking about Buffy today." I didn't have to say anything, just waited for him to convey his own meaning with his words. "Some of those prophesy papers you brought back with you from that guys office pertained to the slayer. Wesley went over them quickly looking for important or upcoming stuff and now he's going over them again with a fine toothed comb to root out everything we can from them. One of them actually pertains to me, he says, but I don't know yet."  
  
"What's the confusion about?"  
  
"Well, don't get me wrong, I trust Wesley's interpretation of any scroll I'm likely to come across. It's just that some of the stuff this one talks about doesn't name me like most of the other prophesies that involve me normally do. The souled vampire, the dark one redeeming, stuff like that. This one calls for a dark knight, a man redeeming himself, but never mentions a vampire. I told him to keep looking into it, but I'm pretty sure it's not talking about me."  
  
"If you don't think it's about you, who do you think it is?" He was silent and then he just looked at me meaningfully. "Me. You think it's about me." His silence gave consent. "What else was this prophesy about? What did it involve besides 'me' and the Slayer?"  
  
"We're not sure yet, but like I said I told him to keep looking into it. He said he's going to take it apart piece by piece until he's sure." I didn't have to say anything in response, all we needed to say had been said and now the thinking would begin. We were quiet all the way to the house where he mostly talked to the couple and I did a little bit of snooping around. I found some sort of goop that'd oozed out the window sill and a lot of scratches on the inside of the glass. I filed it away to tell Angel on the way back and continued to make my way around the rest of the building. Nothing else I saw really jumped out at me as important, so I met Angel at the front of the building on his way out. I told him about what I'd found when he asked and then brought him around to show him. He sniffed at the ooze and then pulled back.  
  
"Huh, that doesn't come from our demon. I'll have to take some back and let Wesley take a look at it." I nodded and he scooped some into a small vile before we made our way back to the car and started on our way back to the Hyperion.  
  
"There's something else about Buffy I need to tell you. I'm going to see her tomorrow."  
  
"Is she coming here?"  
  
"No, and not there either; someplace in the middle." He was quiet for a few minutes and I felt no urge to respond yet.  
  
"I thought I should ask you if you wanted to come with me." Another of our usual silences went on for another few minutes before I was sure of the right answer.  
  
"I don't think that would be a very good idea. You need your time alone, after she just got back. I don't even think you should mention me at all. If I'm not the guy in that prophesy, I don't want to mislead her into thinking I am." He nodded and we rode out the rest of the trip in silence.  
  
Back at the hotel, Angel spent a small amount of time getting a few things together and then he was gone. I spent a few hours in the basement working out and then headed up into the lobby to find Wesley still working on a translation. So I asked him what was up. He was startled by my presence, saying he thought he was the only one there, before he answered my question.  
  
"Angel had the idea that this prophesy I'm working on didn't pertain to him, but to other prospective dark champions. I've been looking into the alternate meanings of the text to try and determine further if the individual in question is truly Angel."  
  
"And what do you think so far?" I liked speaking with Wesley; he was one of the few people I could talk in depth with about some of the deeper prophesies. Plus he was really handy to have around when I couldn't read a certain text or volume.  
  
"I think Angel was half right. This text does mention him in it, and then it refers to the term 'Him' but as a completely different person. It's this glyph here that I'm having problems with. I thought it was 'is himself' or 'is exactly' but I now think its closer to 'is almost exactly' and it may even mean 'similar'. It's truly hard to tell."  
  
"So what you're saying basically is that there is Angel" I started using my hands to demonstrate while I broke it down, "And there's this guy with Angel. This guy with Angel is not Angel, but is like him in a lot of ways or at least a few ways and may even be exactly like him. Right so far?" At Wesley's brisk nod I continued, "So what happens next?"  
  
"That's the most difficult part. It speaks of danger and signs foretelling the danger before it arrives, but it doesn't say what the danger is. The last section here, almost half of the second page, is almost completely foreign to me. It appears to be in a similar language, but a direct translation only results in gibberish. I think it needs more work."  
  
"If a direct translation- but it's the same language... a code?" Thinking out loud helps sometimes.  
  
"What? A code? Yes a code! That would explain it. I must get to work on this immediately." I almost regretted how excited that made him this late at night. I knew, though, that if this thing was going to come to pass soon, better to know what we'd be facing beforehand. He picked up the original and his handwritten translation and headed into the office to sit down with a calculator and a pen to see what he could figure out. I shook my head silently wishing him luck before heading upstairs to take a shower and wash some of the sweat off of me. After the second night, Angel told me it was kind of pointless to rent out a hotel room when he owned this hotel with plenty of empty rooms. So with his invitation to come into his home, I'd moved in temporarily into one down the hall but on the same level as his.  
  
The next morning it was pretty quiet around the hotel for a while before Cordelia came in. She'd been talking pretty nice to me since I got here. I don't know if that was just her way or if she was actually flirting with me, it was kind of hard to tell sometimes. I was polite to her and we actually did have a few things in common, but for the most part I just liked hearing about her old high school days with Buffy and the gang. She talked about them sometimes, but mostly she wanted to know about me. I told some of what I could about my past without opening up to her and having one of those 'touching' moments like the ones you see in the Disney movies. This time, though, it looked mostly like she just wanted to get some coffee and wakeup.  
  
"Long night?" I was after all trying to be polite.  
  
"Coffee." Okay, so she was one track minded this morning, that's cool. I had an enjoyable morning. First I went out to get breakfast with Angel's car, which was the first time I got to drive it, and brought back some breakfast sundries for the rest of the gang. We sat around for a bit and I got roped into helping Wesley decode some of that cryptic prophesy before I had to leave again to make my appointment after lunch, so I just took a cab into a high end part of town. I had to see a man about a car.  
  
I arrived right on time as the gentleman in question pulled into his driveway as the cab pulled up to his house. I got out and tipped the cabbie and made sure I had everything I got into the cab with before I let him pull away. Walking up to the front of the house, he met me smiling and invited me up to check out the vehicle he had for sale. We talked as I took a slow turn around the outside of this beautiful machine. I poked my head inside the opened driver's door as he spoke of the original interior of his baby he'd bought right before he got married and the wonderful picnics and days spent driving down to the beach or any number of wonderfully vivid stories he had experienced with his wife. I idly wished I could be like him one day, happy in the knowledge of what I'd done in life and the person I'd done it all with.  
  
I asked for permission before popping the hood and what I saw underneath made me stop and whistle appreciatively. I told him of the last car like this I'd seen; back when I was in the service. We immediately found common ground as he spoke of his years as a marine in the first push into Vietnam and getting injured and then about his son's enlistment into the army. After a few more 'war' stories we found out it was a small world after all and I had known his son before I got out; he was an armorer I used to deal with all the time when I needed parts for my special detachment's weapons. The engine was so clean you could eat off it with chrome still shining on what looked like new factory parts and a few recent after market modifications. Finally it came out that this was his son's car, a pass down from his father on his graduation from high school and he'd tinkered with it and kept it up since then. I suspected I knew then, but I had to ask anyway.  
  
"If this is his car, why are you selling it now?"  
  
"My son died two months ago in Afghanistan. He was part of a convoy that got attacked and he died fighting." I was amazed at this man's fortitude. He'd spoken already of losing his wife to cancer and now all he probably had now was just a dog and his memories for companionship. "I'm sorry to hear that. I know that when I knew him he was a good man and always went out of his way to take care of what needed to be done." I could see his eyes go distant for a second but then he blinked and he was back with me again. I softly closed the hood and self consciously wiped my fingerprints away. Something about this car and this man told me that test driving it would just be a waste of time. However,  
  
"Mr. Jacobs, I am very interested in buying this car from you. Please sir, how much would you like for her? I will, however, only buy it on one condition."  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"I'd like very much if you would come out for a drive afterward and we can share war stories and you can show me the best places around here to take a young girl so I can treat her like you did yours." His eyes clouded for a moment at my offer and we concluded our deal shortly with me insisting not to pay too little for it. This was a good man, who'd had a good family, and a good life helping others and I'd be damned if I was going to take advantage of him in any way. Shortly he backed his car out of the way and then he climbed into the passenger seat and handed me the keys to a beautiful dark blue 69 Shelby Mustang. I started her and the engine came purring to life. I got a chill as I shifted into gear and backed her out of the carport and onto the street. She was mine.  
  
I arrived back at the hotel with a cleansed aura and a much relaxed attitude toward life in general. Whistling as I walked through the door, I drew looks from Cordelia, Wesley and Gunn. Shrugging at them I continued up to my room where I marked down my last few transactions in my laptop and then checked the balance of my account. Yes, this car was definitely worth every penny I paid for it and I was still not too badly off. I came back downstairs, still whistling, to see Lorne and Wesley talking quietly by the counter where Wesley was still working on decoding and translating that tricky scroll. Lorne looked up as he heard the sound of my song with a smile on his face.  
  
"Well, somebody's more centered than they were a few days ago." I shook hands with the green demon and as our hands touched I reached across our link in greeting. Lorne was another person I enjoyed talking with, or rather not talking with. Psychics together don't often need words, when it's easier just to think at a person and have them understand exactly what you mean and the feelings behind it. We exchanged a few thoughts back and forth before breaking our grips and speaking verbally again. I still had problems getting exact ideas without some physical contact with the person. Mostly I got feelings or sometimes strong thoughts especially about actions concerning me. Lorne had tried to help me with my talent a few days ago, but our background training was different, so we had learned in different ways. Given enough time here though, I was looking forward to learning as much as I could from the empath.  
  
"So why so happy, Jake?" Cordelia didn't have the advantage of telepathy.  
  
"I just had a pretty good day today. Nobody died and everything just seems to be falling into place so far." Turning to Wesley brought something else to my mind that I'd forgotten to ask him about this morning.  
  
"Hey Wes, speaking of, did you ever figure out what that goop was we got off the windowsill at the Patterson's?"  
  
"As a matter of fact, I did almost immediately. It appeared to be birthing fluid." Apparently the demon that was harassing them had laid eggs inside the wall and then patched it up to hide them, getting separated from its eggs was what had driven it to attack the couple that'd kicked it out.  
  
"So what do we do about it?"  
  
"Gunn just left to head over and explain to the Patterson's about the problem and the easiest solution. He should have it taken care of by the end of the day without any unforeseen problems. In the meantime, the headache I've got from this bloody thing will probably last until next week if I'm not careful, and I don't think I'm particularly close to figuring out anything we need to know about it."  
  
So another slow night at Angel Investigations was to be had by all. I tried to give Wesley a hand while Lorne helped me practice by sending me stronger and stronger thoughts until I could hear and repeat the entire phrase he'd sent me. As I worked out a few hours later he was down there in the basement with me sitting in a chair drinking a fruity beverage and started teaching me how to set up bonds to people where I could trace every clear thought they had. It was difficult, but doing physical training while I tried it was helping by focusing my mind. Cordelia was nice enough to volunteer to help me practice on, as long as I kept out of her deeper thoughts. I got some of the basics of it that night before Angel got back from his trip. Cordelia and I were there when she asked him how it went, but he just kind of shrugged off the question, not wanting to talk about it. He looked at me and asked if I was too tired to want to spar a little. I sensed he needed to work out some tension, so agreed quickly. I'd rather him try and beat the crap out of me instead of him giving himself an ulcer. Wait, could vampires get ulcers? Another thing I'd have to look into.  
  
We squared off downstairs after he stripped down to his tank top and Lorne decided to stand by and watch. I moved in first with a high low attack that he blocked easily before trying to counter with a few jabs and an uppercut leading to a reverse leg sweep that I stepped over and brought my knee up to his lowered face. He caught my leg and used the force of my kick to push me past him as he bent backwards before springing to his feet behind me and kicking backwards. I spun on my toe as my right foot hit the ground and brought my left leg up to block the kick and lash out at his chest. He blocked my kick to the outside and tried to step in close with a blow to the body that I turned aside. We kept moving together as though we had choreographed the entire fight. Steadily we started picking up the pace to an almost blur of blows, yet still none of them connected on either side. Suddenly I got a flash of pain as his elbow found my face knocking me back a few steps before I launched myself forward into a double jumping spin kick one after the other in mid air, connecting the second time with his head and knocking him back. That was about as fancy as we got, keeping it pretty simple for tonight. The fight continued for a few more minutes before we broke apart, both of us sweaty and a little dirty but none too worse for the wear. We bowed formally before I grabbed my towel and went to head up the stairs but got stopped by Lorne.  
  
"I don't know where you learned how to do that, lemon cake, but I've never seen anything like it. I saw you reading his next attack before he did it, but even then I know it would be hard for me at some of the speeds you were just at and I've been doing this awhile, kid."  
  
"I told you where I studied this; the rest is just reaction time and having the right instincts. My old combat training taught me what to do, and this tells me what order to do it in. The speed does get hard sometimes, you saw he got one or two in on me, but that's why I need to keep practicing."  
  
"Are you having problems with vampires? I know that if they don't have a soul it's sometimes harder to piece through the puzzle."  
  
"I used to, but I had to learn that everything makes ripples in the world and instead of watching the ripples, I had to see what caused them."  
  
"Can you see the ripples? I mean really see them like what they are and how they affect the world?" It seemed important to him, but I could only tell him the truth.  
  
"I was trained to ignore them. I get flashes of them sometimes when I'm not fighting but they're not too clear. More, they just show me how everything is connected to me and I am connected to the rest of the world. I can't really see what they mean at all, except when they pertain to me living through the next few seconds." He seemed slightly disappointed by my answer.  
  
"I'm sorry to hear that, brother. You've got the gift, and if you had been trained differently you could have been a great seer. You've got it in you, the connection to the entire world. It's almost a shame that you can only use it for fighting." With a sigh he led the way up the stairs to the lobby and I continued up to my room to wash up before coming back down to talk with Angel for a few hours before finally hitting the sack. I appreciated the compliment he gave me before I headed up, though. He said, "When I was fighting you, it reminded me of fighting Buffy. It was almost all I could do to just hit you once. Thanks." I thanked him in return, knowing he was thanking me for the chance to blow off a little steam without having to worry about hurting someone. I appreciated both sentiments as I climbed the stairs to my room and sleep. 


	5. Doing my job

A/N: need the reviews. Must have the reviews.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing. You understand? Nothing. Jake owns himself.  
  
The day began as any other I'd seen in that city. Granted the weather could have been a bit better, but who am I to dictate? I did enjoy the light drizzle on the back of my head as I walked across the street. My eyes watched the other pedestrians ducking their heads as they walked, trying to keep their faces dry I suppose. I kept walking, moving though the crowd without brushing against or even touching those around me. I finally reached my destination and turned into a large office building, cutting straight across the lobby to the elevator and pushing the button for the top floor. I left the elevator on my floor and walked down the hallway to a specific door where I walked past the receptionist and into the office. Sitting in his leather chair in a perfectly tailored suit was the man I was here to see.  
  
"Mr. McBoom, I'm glad you're here." I reached across his desk to shake his hand and to get a mental image of him and what he wanted. He was legit.  
  
"It's nice to meet you, Mr. Walters. What kind of job do you have for me exactly?"  
  
"Straight to business, I like that. I look forward to working with you, indeed. This job is somewhat... strange. Point in fact if I went to the authorities with this they would probably throw me in the nuthouse. I need someone with your talents and specialties. If, that is, you are the man I am led to believe you are."  
  
"You wouldn't have called for my services if you didn't know who I was, Mr. Walters. I only need to know three things from you: who and what is the target, local or international, and that you're going to pay half of my fee upfront and the rest upon completion."  
  
"Well, you certainly present yourself as the professional I was led to believe you are, Sir. All the information I have is in this file. As for your fee, how much exactly are we speaking of?" He handed me a thick manila folder which held everything inside. The pictures of the target looked human.  
  
"Well, now I have more questions. Is the target human? And what did he do to incur your wrath?"  
  
"Half human, actually. He's hit my company more times than I can count, but those weren't anything to seriously cry over. Then last week he hit my family. My son was out late one night with his date when he was attacked, kidnapped, tortured and killed all in the same night. They found his headless body along with the sodomized remains of his date in a shallow grave in a local park two days after he was taken. My intelligence tracked down the thing responsible for all of this. He's half Anamovic demon, they tell me, whatever that means." He was silent for a moment as he brought his anger under control; I was still leafing through the folder. I waited until he had composed himself before I began.  
  
"One demon, possibly more, local, just cause, I'd say you qualify for my nominal fee. As I mentioned before that will be half up front, the rest upon completion and an additional fee if you require proof of said completion. I get started as soon as I receive my five thousand dollars." He seemed reassured by my professionalism.  
  
"Will you take a check?"  
  
I walked into the hotel to see the usual disarray of the casual work environment. Wesley at the counter deep in thought and immersed in a book, Gunn reclining on the oval sofa and Cordelia typing away at the computer. I said hello to the group as I made my way to the coffee pot, not realizing until then how good a mood I was in. I guess clients paying me in cash have that affect on my. Pouring myself a cup and moving to Wesley's side so I could look over his shoulder, I asked him what he was reading.  
  
"I'm still trying to puzzle out this code."  
  
"Did somebody say code?" I jumped at the voice I didn't recognize coming from behind me. Turning quickly revealed that a skinny brunette owned the voice and the Texan accent that came with it.  
  
"Look guys, I'm out of my room. What code are you talking about? I've always been good at codes." I didn't know who she was, but she seemed nice enough.  
  
"Hi, I'm Jake. And you are?"  
  
"Oh, I'm Fred. It's nice to meet you."  
  
"It's nice to see you out of your room Fred; you should do it more often. Would you mind taking a look at this with me?" Wesley's voice was calm and supportive as he coaxed her to his side and got her involved in translating and breaking the code. I headed upstairs to my room to change shirts and grab an axe before heading back downstairs.  
  
"Hey, you got some big evil brewing?" Gunn sounded eager to get out of the hotel.  
  
"Not really man. Just one or maybe two half demons; no big."  
  
"Mind if I give you a hand? I don't have anything else to do."  
  
"Naw, I'm alright. Time for me to do what I get paid for." He stood up and his eyes told me he needed to get out of this place or he was in danger of going crazy. I nodded.  
  
"I guess you can tag along though if you want to." He smiled at me relieved and followed me out. According to the file the target had last been seen at a dive downtown and that was where I headed. I told Gunn about the case on the way and he had the usual first timer response: he got mad. We hit the dive, splitting up and asking people if they'd seen the guy in the photos we carried. I finally got a hit with one of the regulars who even knew this guy's name. Unfortunately he didn't know much more. I made sure he thought we were collectors, looking for him so he could pay us back. We left the club and I made a phone call.  
  
"Yeah, Dave, it's me. I'm looking for a guy, LA, name of Peter Cummings." I waited while the guy on the other end did some looking in his database, before coming back with a match. I wrote down anything pertinent to me, ignoring stuff like his tax information or his parking tickets. I thanked Dave and shut the phone to look up at Gunn's somewhat puzzled face.  
  
"You can do that? You get a guys name and you find out everything about them?"  
  
"It doesn't always work out, though. Sometimes I get Fake names or more than one guy with the same name but most of the time it helps out a lot. C'mon, let's go check this place out." We got in the car and took off in the direction of the target's house. The place really didn't look that different than any other house I'd seen in this part of town. It was one of those 'we're gonna build a whole lot of houses off of one design to save money' neighborhoods. We drove by it once and parked down the street before getting out and seriously casing the joint. We had a problem, looked like a party was going on. I nodded at Gunn as we made our way to the front door. In this business, when the backdoor is blocked, you go for the front. I knocked and waited a few seconds before a red faced demon answered the door. Seeing it was two humans he paused and cocked his head slightly before asking what we wanted.  
  
"I'm looking for someone. Do you live here?"  
  
"Yes. Who are you looking for?"  
  
"Peter."  
  
"I'm Peter." Perfect. "Would you mind stepping outside so we can talk for a few minutes? You should probably tell your friends you'll be right back." He nodded and leaned around the corner of his entryway into what I assumed was his living room before stepping outside and closing the door behind him.  
  
"What's this all about?"  
  
"Would you mind showing me your human face please? This will just take a sec." He nodded and took a breath as his eye ridges faded and his reddish skin tone and scales became pink flesh. I knew without checking the picture that this was our guy.  
  
"Who are you guys, do you work for Walters?" I nodded. Gunn had moved between him and the house, making sure not to show his back to the window.  
  
"Would you like to tell me about what you were doing the night of the 12th?" He paused slightly before answering.  
  
"I was out at a club with some friends."  
  
Even with demons you can tell when they're lying. I noticed a very slight change in his odor and my psychic senses were screaming at the untruth he'd tried to pawn off with a calm voice.  
  
"Are the friends you were there with here tonight?"  
  
"Yeah, both of them are."  
  
"We need to go get them too." I kept him in sight as he tried to go into the living room, but I pulled him back to keep him in the entryway as he asked two of his friends to join him. Standing behind him to keep my face in shadow I was able to count ten others in the room, but called it twelve for others that were probably there. I followed the three of them back out of the house and closed the door behind me.  
  
"What's this all about?" The one on the left was looking around a little nervously as he assessed the situation. The one on the right, however, looked smugly down on us from a towering height of over six and a half feet easily.  
  
"Where were you gentlemen on the night of the 12th a few weeks ago?" Peter tried to answer again, but the big guy answered easily.  
  
"We were tearing up this dude who done us dirty and the bitch that was there with him. We did them right and proper too, in accordance with tradition. What's it to you?" I loved it when they confess. I glanced at Gunn and he nodded quickly before I looked Peter right in the eye.  
  
"Thank you." He seemed about to smile before he saw the gun rising toward his face. The first round went off and my aim shifted to his tall friend before he could start toward me. The second round went off at the same time as Gunn's axe, which he'd pulled from behind him, found the neck of the nervous guy. I waited until all three were on the ground before I holstered the silenced pistol and pulled a small camera from my pocket and snapped two quick pictures of the scene in front of me. Gunn and I walked calmly down to the car, got in after making sure we weren't followed, and took off down the road. It was a couple of minutes before he looked at me and felt the urge to speak.  
  
"So this is what you do?"  
  
"More or less. This job was pretty easy; they're normally harder to find."  
  
"And you get paid for this?"  
  
"Oh yeah. This job will make me about eleven thousand."  
  
"No shit? Eleven thousand for doing what I had to do to stay alive."  
  
"Hey man, I used to do this for just criminals that outwitted the system. I'll tell you, though, that if you'd have called me with your problem, the next week you could have called that warehouse a condo. I do a lot of cases on merit; just hoping people can return the favor someday when I need it."  
  
"I feel you, man, but Angel helped me out and I didn't like it very much. I probably wouldn't have asked if I did know you back then." We rode out the rest of the drive pretty much in silence as we made our way back to the hotel. When we got there I talked with angel a little bit before heading up to take a shower and then wiping down my jacket to get the little bit of blood splatter off before it had a chance to soak in. I headed back down and sat down in Angel's office across from him in my usual place. We started out talking about the hit, but after I assured him they'd had it coming we moved into other topics. I tried to bring the subject around to his trip to see Buffy, but he skirted past it and moved on. I did get him to talk more about his past, or rather part of his past. That night I got a true idea of the difference between Angel, the man he was now, and Angelus the demon inside him.  
  
The next day I hit the workout room downstairs for about an hour before showering and getting ready to collect the rest of my money. I made my way down the same street but in slightly different weather from the day before. I walked past the same receptionist and into the same office. The man behind the desk, however, was not the same. A skinnier man with brown hair instead of gray was leaning forward over some paperwork on the desk.  
  
"Where is Mr. Walters?" The man looked up at me in mild amusement.  
  
"I'm Mr. Walters." I put my hand out for him to shake. He took it quizzically, but I figured it out quickly enough.  
  
"Mr. Walters I don't need to know why you changed your appearance yesterday, but I am here to collect my money." I reached into my pocket and he put his hands up. I pulled out the camera and he relaxed a little.  
  
"This should be all the proof you need." I turned it on and handed it to him. He looked through both pictures on it a few times before looking up at me and smiled.  
  
"I wasn't expecting you so soon. Will there be an extra charge for that? Sorry about the glamour, by the way, but I don't normally deal with your profession and it seemed safer at the time for you to not know what I look like."  
  
"Don't worry about it. Yes there will be an extra fee. Here is your bill." Mentally shaking my head, I handed him a formal looking invoice; whatever he had to do to feel safe. Some of my former clients and employers had found a way to write off my services on their taxes, so I went the extra half step and did this to help them out a little bit. He stood up and went to his wall safe same as he did the day before. I like it when things stay the same, especially when its people giving me cash.  
  
"I'm rounding up on this so I don't have to separate wraps and because I appreciate your speedy solution to my problem." He handed me a pile of wrapped bills which I counted and tucked into pockets inside my pants and jacket. He folded back up the bill and put it on one of the piles on his desk after I signed it paid in full. We faced each other as we shook hands and I wished him well before I left his office and headed back down. I followed the same routine as yesterday, making sure I wasn't followed as I made my way to the bank to deposit the cash on my way to the hotel. I walked in whistling as I made my way up to Gunn and asked him if we could talk.  
  
"Look, I don't know how you'll feel about this, but you helped me out with my job last night and put yourself at risk so I've got some money here for you."  
  
"This isn't pity money, is it?" He looked down at the rolled up half stack in my hand. Five hundred wasn't too much, but I figured I owed him something for having my back. Besides, I got more than this in addition to my fee so it wasn't like I was hurting or anything.  
  
"No pity, just money. I want to give it to you, but you don't have to take it."  
  
"Oh, I'm takin it." He took it out of my hand and counted it quickly before stuffing it in his pocket. "Thanks man, this is nice." We shook hands and I walked over to the coffee pot to pour myself a cup.  
  
"Where's Wesley?"  
  
"I don't know, out somewhere I think. Cordy didn't come in and Angel's downstairs." He went back to his magazine as I headed downstairs. I nodded at Angel as I took my jacket and then my button up shirt off and then asked him if he felt like going a few rounds. He shook his head and went back to his sword drills and I went over to the heavy bag to start out with. About an hour later I went upstairs to find Cordelia and Wesley in the office area behind the counter and said good morning to them on my way to the much needed shower. I came downstairs and volunteered to make the lunch run for the group, saying it was on me. I got back from the pizza place around the corner with the food still hot and the number of the girl behind the counter in my pocket. When I have a good day it keeps getting better, I can't control my vibes.  
  
We enjoyed the pizza while Cordy talked about the new case she took for us. As soon as he had eaten his fill Wesley went back to working with his book intently. I asked him if he'd gotten any more leads, but he just shook his head and wrote something down. Cordy looked up at me.  
  
"Don't worry about him; he gets testy sometimes when he's in book mode. When he finds something out, you'll know."  
  
"I've got something!"  
  
"See?" I nodded and with a grin on my face I asked him what was up.  
  
"I believe I've narrowed down the timeframe of the danger to Buffy."  
  
"How long do we have?" I was suddenly bumped out of my good mood.  
  
"Not too long, but we do have some time yet."  
  
"How much time are we talking about?"  
  
"Well I can't be certain. But, more or less, it is still there."  
  
"How about the identity of the other people in that prophesy?"  
  
"Nothing concrete as of yet, but I'm working on that next." I sighed.  
  
"Alright, man. Good work, I just hope we have more time instead of less." Do you ever have one of those thoughts that just kicks you in the head? That was the kind of thought I had at that moment. I stood up and went upstairs to gather my things; I would leave for Sunny-dale tonight. It wasn't long before my bags were packed and stowed in the back of my car. I found Angel downstairs working out but he stopped as I spoke.  
  
"Hey."  
  
"Hey. So where you going?"  
  
"You know where I'm going and you know why." He nodded and we were silent. Finally I had to ask him what he believed about it all.  
  
"Do you really think the other guy in that prophesy is me?"  
  
"Yeah, I think it's you, but it doesn't matter what I think. Prophesies are like guidelines, warnings. If you do that then this will happen, kind of a thing. What really matters here is what you believe. If you believe you can help her, then you should go. That's what's important here." I nodded and crossed the room to shake his hand.  
  
"Good luck around here." His handshake was cool and strong.  
  
"You take care of yourself... and her." I nodded and then he followed me upstairs so I could say goodbye to the rest of the gang. We were standing around the lobby and I started to make my rounds when a glass bottle shattered against the front door. We looked around in surprise as a group of demons rushed in. One of them had a gun but the rest seemed just to be armed with swords and axes. We stood in tableau for half a second and then burst into sudden motion.  
  
Angel dove for the weapons cabinet as my pistol appeared in my hand. The demons gun went off a second before mine did but he missed; I didn't. I fired three more times, and the group fell back from me. They charged forward and I turned to catch the sword Angel threw at me as he attacked from the side. I noticed Gunn and Wesley grappling with their own demons and Cordy hitting one of them over the head with a book. I started working my way through the fight in her direction. I almost didn't make it in time as a demon approached from her back. I parried and cut the one attacking me to turn and shove my blade in the path of the one attacking her. I succeeded in turning his attack aside and went to shove my blade through his gut when I felt a slash against my back. I staggered forward and fell into the demon in front of me. I turned as I fell and slashed across the face of the one who'd cut me. Still lying on the ground I grabbed for the sword arm of the demon beside me. I finally got the sword out of his hand, had to break his arm to do it. I stood up and cut the demon coming at me and had the opportunity to look around.  
  
Angel broke the neck of the last demon standing and looked around as well. I turned and helped Cordy up from the ground as Wesley and Gunn brushed themselves off. None of us seemed too much the worse for the fight. The demons on the other hand couldn't say the same. The two that were still alive were quickly separated and questioned.  
  
"Why did you attack us?"  
  
"We came here to find and kill him and his friends." The demon whose arm I'd broken pointed at me with his good hand.  
  
"Why would you do that?"  
  
"He killed our clansman. Tradition and honor dictate that we must exact our revenge." Angel looked at me but I had nothing to say. I had gotten them involved in what had just turned into a clan war. I could have gotten someone seriously hurt or even killed. That just would not do. I pulled with my head toward the next room and Angel stood up and came to talk with me.  
  
"They attacked you and your friends in your house so this is your call. But if it were me I'd let them go. I'm leaving and they shouldn't come back here after they got beaten this badly this time. Like I said, it's your call." He was silent for a minute and then walked back into the room. I heard him warn them never to come back here or he would kill them all for threatening his friends. They were shaky and looked like they believed him. Then he opened the door and told them to leave. They helped each other up and walked to the door, outside I heard the sound of a van pulling away. I looked around the room and at the faces of those I'd fought beside.  
  
"I'm sorry, guys. I didn't mean for you to get involved with my work." They looked at each other for a second before Cordelia spoke and the others followed in close succession.  
  
"Don't worry about it."  
  
"Not like it's never happened before."  
  
"Kind of used to it by now."  
  
"Another day in paradise." Angel spoke last and then looked at Cordelia as she walked up to me.  
  
"Take off your jacket." I did and she moved around to my back as I checked out the damage.  
  
"It's ruined." I tossed the jacket that was almost cut in half onto the sofa and then winced as Cordelia probed the cut with her fingers.  
  
"At least it took most of the damage. Take off your shirt." I followed her to sit down as I pulled my shirt off. Angel walked over to inspect my jacket where it lay. Cordelia went behind the counter to pull out medical supplies and come back to begin cleaning my back.  
  
"How bad is it?"  
  
"Just a scratch, really; shouldn't even slow you down."  
  
"When you get done I'd like to see you in my office." Angel walked past us on his way there and didn't look back to see my acknowledgment. With the skill borne of many years of practice Cordelia finished securing the bandage on my back and patted my to signal I was done as she turned to Wesley and the scratch on his forehead. I checked the pockets of my jacket and moved their contents to my pants pockets as I made my way into the office and took my usual seat.  
  
"What's up?"  
  
"When you go, I'd like you to take a few things with you." 


	6. Who are we again?

Disclaimer: I own nothing, you understand? Nothing. All lines from Buffy season six definitely don't belong to me.  
  
CHP 4 Who are we again?  
  
I got into town a little later than I thought I would, sometime around ten that night. I found a dodgy hotel room right outside town and stowed most of my gear and left my car there. According to angel, I wouldn't need a car too badly in this town. I got myself cleaned up from my trip and took off walking toward the closest of sunny-dale's many cemeteries. I stretched and yawned as I was walking and I could feel the stake stuck into my jacket dig into my back, pulled by the almost new leather jacket fresh from the Angel collection; I was still getting used to how it fit me. I made a quick round of the town over the next few hours, getting a feel for the territory and making sure I knew how to get around if I had to. The last time I was here wasn't that long ago, but now I was looking for different things like the magic box and Buffy's house (seemed empty) and a few other hot spots like the bronze. Finally I headed back to the hotel to get some sleep before the big day tomorrow. Tomorrow I would meet the slayer head to head and face to face.  
  
Waking up early has never been one of those things I was good at, thus the lack of my presence in the army. I meant to wake up at about eight, but somehow eight turned into ten thirty and I was still in bed. I looked at the clock and it took me a second to remember how to count before I realized how late I was. I rolled out of bed and into some clothes, grabbing my gun and my backpack before I took off. I dropped the car off at a house of this guy I know from Cleveland, he said it was okay. I ran the rest of the way into town but stopped about a block from the magic box to catch my breath and tried to dry myself off before stepping around the corner just in time to see a redhead, willow I guess, walking with a tall dark brown haired man, probably Xander. I started toward the shop thinking that if Buffy wasn't there then those two would almost definitely know where I could find her. Before I got even halfway there I saw a figure in a winter cap and an old brown suit running across the street. At first I though he was smoking something like a cigar; upon closer examination he was the one smoking, literally. Vampire.  
  
I picked up my pace and made it to the door a few seconds later. Bursting through the door I heard some kind of bell go off over my head and found myself looking into the startled faces of the entire Scoobie gang. Most of them looked back at me with mild disinterest but the blond woman sitting down seemed eager to come talk to me. Giles was the one standing and it was he who spoke to me.  
  
"Go ahead and look around. I'll be with you in a moment." And I was suddenly dismissed from their collective minds as they all turned back to look at him. Something important seemed to be going on here. As I watched, Giles began speaking and sat down next to the eager blond as he did so. He said he was going back to England, to stay indefinitely? I knew I couldn't let him do that, in case we needed him for whatever danger was coming Buffy's way. As the gears in my head started turning to figure out how I could convince him of that without telling him who sent me or why, Buffy interrupted my thoughts with her words.  
  
"I can't do this. I just- I need to" and she was on her way out. I can't let that happen.  
  
"I don't think this is such a good idea." I stepped in front of her and she stopped in surprise. She looked at my face and her eyes widened slightly. I continued, "You do know that he's a vampire, right?" I pointed at the blond man in the brown suit sitting on the glass counter.  
  
"Who, Spike? Don't worry about him. He's okay. You're not looking for him, are you?" Dawn stood up and took a step closer to him as she spoke.  
  
"No, I'm not looking for him. I'm looking for Buffy." I looked down at her as I said her name and she was still looking up at me.  
  
"What do you want?" Her voice was quiet; emotional in a more than slightly pissed off way.  
  
"Something's coming. Something bad. You're in danger."  
  
"God! There's always something. This is too much. I just need to-"She made as if to leave but willow stopped her with her voice.  
  
"Buffy, listen." Buffy stopped and turned around in exasperation. Willow continued, "I know this must be awful for you, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for-"Buffy cut her off.  
  
"I'm sorry. Everybody's sorry. I know that you guys are just trying to help, but it's just- it's too much. And- and I can't take it anymore. if you guys- if you guys understood how it felt, how it feels. It's like I'm dying and-"I was all caught up in what she said until she fell over. Without thinking I stepped forward and grabbed her just in time to fall over myself and then with the blackness.  
  
The girl lying on top of me groaned and looked up and around. I was instantly awake as soon as she started moving, but kept still until I could figure out where I was or what I was doing that resulted in a girl I didn't know lying on top of me. I smiled up at her in what I thought was a reassuring manner, until she looked back at me in first confusion and then fear. Slowly I heard the sounds of others in the room waking up and I rolled to my right side to look around the room, but in the dark I couldn't tell how many there were. The girl leaned back and said, "Huh?" and then stood up and took a step toward the center of the room then looked to the right and turned on the lights. Assorted groans and sudden motion met her action as the other occupants of the room burst into wakefulness.  
  
The most interesting was a redheaded girl and a brunette guy lying together on the ground. She jerked back with a sound of sudden surprise and widened eyes. He sat up with a start and a similar noise before looking at her with what I guess he thought was a charming smile as he said, "Hey" like he was smooth. Her response was similar, but much less enthused and more questioning. Another couple sitting on a bench together next to a table were leaning against each other; a middle aged gentleman in glasses and a younger blond woman. There was another girl I could see sitting in a chair by herself. The gentleman said, "Hello?" as he looked up at the blond woman as if for the first time and then there was a shout as a very blond man rolled off the countertop and onto the ground. There was an answering scream from a young lady I hadn't seen before and the blond man jumped to his feet  
  
"Who are you people? Please don't hurt me!" The younger brunette was nervous and scared as she curled up into a fetal position with her knees under her chin.  
  
"Don't worry; its okay. I don't know anyone here either." I got caught up looking at this bombshell I'd woken up with. I couldn't remember who she was or how she'd gotten here. Was I that drunk? Absently, I breathed into my hand; I didn't smell like alcohol. I heard the brunette ask her who she was, but I didn't hear her response when the brown haired guy who was with the red head stood up and started panicking about not knowing where he was or who we were.  
  
"It's not just you." The older guy stood up with the voice of reason. I was on my feet by this time still standing up the short steps from the rest of the group. Realizing that I didn't know who I was either almost made me want to start panicking like that other dude.  
  
"Does anyone remember anything?" The older gentleman again. He seemed to be trying to get a grasp on the situation.  
  
"Nope." Kind of a lost sound from the blond behind the counter. Where did he get that ridiculous brown suit? The older guy made some kind of suggestion about all of us being drunk, but it got shot down by the younger brunette saying she doesn't drink and his own blond girl stating the obvious about a lack of booze and then mentioning Allan font, whoever that is. The brunette guy started panicking, waving his arms around and sounding more than a little unstable. I felt the need to step in before things get out of hand.  
  
"Hey, relax man. Look, no one's hurt, right? And none of us look too super dangerous, so we're probably all safe here. Wherever here is." I looked around for the first time noticing we weren't in any normal kind of a place. The red head started looking around noticing all the weird stuff we had all around us until she hit upon a break-through.  
  
"We're in a magic shop, a real magic shop." The lone brunette stood up as she spoke and started looking around.  
  
"Maybe that's it, maybe something magic happened to us." God, cute and smart; could she get any better? The older guy shrugged off the magic suggestion with some weird British accent and then went on to describe himself and try to generally reassure us. It sounded to my like he was more trying to reassure himself than us. The blond man took this moment to chime in and with a plethora of strange British terms, firmly planted himself into the "Nancy tribe". The two of them further went on to establish themselves as family, father and son; quite a touching moment, really. Then the blond woman next to them chimed in about the very nice engagement ring on her finger.  
  
"Oh great, a tarty step-mom who's half old daddy's age."  
  
"Tarty?" the blond.  
  
"Old?! You little twerp, I'm young enough to still get carded."  
  
"Carded!" the red head was smart. "Drivers licenses!" everyone started diving for their wallets or purses. I checked but I didn't have a wallet. I did have a largish wad of cash though. While Alex was reading his license, I noticed the blond that woke up next to me and the young brunette next to her were both looking a little lost as well. He was followed by willow, the red head; and Tara, the lone brunette. While I was watching them, the blond leaned closer to the brunette and read her name off of her necklace: Dawn. Minor byplay led to Rupert and Randy, the father son team, revealing their identities. Alex and willow started to get a little more comfortable together, before Anya made another discovery. She and Rupert owned this magic shop together. The as of yet nameless blond looked to me questioningly, but I had no answers only empty reassurances. "I don't know. I don't have a wallet either." She must have heard some of the lost boy in my voice because she came up close to me and rubbed my back reassuringly.  
  
"It'll be okay. I don't know who I am either." Dawn offered to name us both, but the blond said that's okay, she can name herself.  
  
"I'll name me... Joan." Dawn made a disgusted noise and Joan took affront. Slightly humorous byplay later the two proclaimed themselves sisters and shared a touching hug.  
  
"You never showed me affection like that." All of us turned to look at Randy. "I'd wager."  
  
"We need to figure out what's going on; we need to get help." I mean we had to do something.  
  
"Well looks like mister anonymous fancies himself the boss." Randy seemed disposed of a bad attitude and a sharp tongue. A guy like him would've been taken care of quickly back when I was in the... I don't remember where I was, but I knew it wouldn't fly for long.  
  
"Just because I don't know who I am is no reason for me not to make sense. Look, we have a kid here and we need to take care of her."  
  
"I am not a kid, I am a teenager and I can take care of myself."  
  
"Relax, babe, I didn't mean anything by it. Besides we all need some kind of help here. None of us knows who we really are. I think a hospital's our best bet."  
  
"Uh Yes! Lets, head out." Rupert backed me at least.  
  
"Anybody got any idea how we can get there?" Joan had a good head for details.  
  
"Dad can drive. He's bound to have some classic mid-life crises number. Something red, shiny... shaped like a penis." Randy did have a mouth on him, didn't he. Joan grabbed my arm and looked up at me with those beautiful eyes of hers as she asked, "Do you want me to name you too?" How could I resist those eyes?  
  
"Humm-umma ama" God, what was I saying!? I shook my head and tried again. "I mean yes, I think I would like that a lot." Her beautiful smile blossomed as she pursed her lips in thought.  
  
"I think I'll call you... Michael. Yes, that suits you." I couldn't help but grin at how happy it made her to name me.  
  
"Thank you. I needed that." Without thinking about it I hugged her and we moved toward the door as everyone else bunched up behind us. Joan reached out and opened the door. She slammed it again just as quickly. Outside were two pointy teethed thugs with some kind of face deformity. What the hell was going on? I threw the lock on the door quickly and moved Joan and the others into a circle away from the window.  
  
"Get down over here." Everyone started talking almost at once. Randy did have a valid statement though. Vampires, I heard him say. Well we were in a magic shop, and something inexplicable was happening to all of us. What if vampires and magic and all that stuff really were real? How are we supposed to fight vampires? Remember when I told you willow was smart, "Doors. We need to check for other doors and then make sure they're locked and then put large things in front of them." Alex and willow went off to check that while Joan was having an epiphany.  
  
"Monsters are real! Did we know this?" God she was cute when she didn't know what was going on. I got the idea that she was cute most of the time. Rupert had an idea of his own: he wanted to stay and fight them instead of going to the hospital, using things in the shop. The vampires throughout our whole conversation had been beating on the door and now the one at the window yelled through it that he wanted spike. What the hell was spike? Was that one of us? Randy seemed to know something and ran into the next room.  
  
"I'm cold" Uh-oh that's my cue.  
  
"C'mon babe, here take this." I took off my all leather jacket and wrapped it around her.  
  
"Aww, you're sweet. I knew there had to be a good reason I woke up next to you." She kissed my cheek with a grin and snuggled close. I could get used to this. I hoped I already was used to this. Then Randy came back with a handful of wooden stakes.  
  
"Here, let's give them these." He was praised by his father for good thinking.  
  
"But wait, what are they going to do with them?" Dawn seemed a little worried. Then from the vampire outside, "Slayer, come out and play."  
  
"Slayer, that's just what they said before." A realization and shock dawn over Tara's troubled face. "They're gonna use these spikes to-"  
  
"Slay someone?! A female someone! Who do those jerks think they are?" Joan seemed outraged and confused.  
  
"Blood suckers; they kill by sucking blood. Take it easy Joan." Anya was just full of helpful advice.  
  
"No one is slaying anybody. I won't let them hurt you." This last was mainly to Joan and the look in her eyes said she knew it and believed I meant it, but didn't think it was really worth too much. I wondered what could have made her feel like that. Willow and Alex came around the corner to tell us about the trapdoor in the basement and I sprung at the chance. If there was a way to get out with no losses, and this wasn't our fight, let's do it.  
  
"Let's go while we've still got a shot. We need our memories." The group looked at me for half a second before moving as a group toward the exit toward potential freedom. Suddenly a vampire saw us moving and crashed through the side window another kicked through the door. The group moved first away from the first vampire and then screaming scattered away from the second. Alex hit his knees and began to pray in as many ways as he could think of. Joan grabbed a hold of me and her sister and moved us over toward the counter. The rest of the group gathered around holding each other as the vampires came closer to us. The first grabbed randy and put him back up against the wall of books as he told Randy that he owed them.  
  
"Fine" Randy pulled the stakes out of his coat and threw them on the ground. "Take your damn spikes!" He tried to walk away, but the vampire laughed and pushed him back up against the wall.  
  
"Don't be stupid." That was all I heard he said, as the other vampire got closer and tried to drag Joan away from me.  
  
"Get off her you son of a –"I pulled back on my jacket that she was wearing and another spike fell out of it, this one's handle wrapped in leather strips. I pulled back and with an upper cut I sent the vampire flying a few feet back before I picked up the stake and yelled out, "You will not touch her!" I stabbed him with the stake and he exploded! The other vampire wigged out and tried to get away from me, but I grabbed his arm and spun him back around into my stake. "Don't touch my friends either, you sack of –"I looked around startled to realize what I was about to say. "-trash." I finished lamely as he collapsed into a pile of dust. The whole group was standing there stunned at what had just happened.  
  
"Whoa, what did you just do?" I think I was getting used to Dawn being nervous most of the time.  
  
"I don't know; wasn't it cool?" I was amazed as well, but this was proof that we were facing vampires. I mean, regular people don't explode like that when you stab them, do they? I didn't know but something told me I used to. I realized the door was still wide open and dropped the stake to move forward and slam it shut before starting to move the closest book-case up against it. Joan was the only one to come over and help me move it but it seemed really light to me. Everyone was still more or less standing around as I turned back around to face them.  
  
"I think I know why Michael's the boss." Joan was getting her supportive on, "Did you see how that guy exploded? You're like a superhero or something." It's good to be loved. I was looking around and trying to weigh our options again as Alex fainted. We dragged him over to the counter and propped him up until he came around and I asked willow if she'd been through that trapdoor in the basement.  
  
"No, it was all big, dark, and a little with the scary. Ooh, but there was a lock on it with a key so we made sure it was locked before we came back." She was leaning over Alex and softly stroking his face while looking at Tara for support and I noticed that Tara was standing against the wall hugging herself and looking fondly at them both. I made sure the book case was secure and dropped down the metal brace for the window. Then I got Joan to help me move the big table up against the broken window while randy and Rupert put something against the back door. We all gathered back up in front of the counter and Rupert turned to me to ask, "What do you think about taking the trapdoor exit?"  
  
"Actually, I think it might be too dangerous. Whoever is telling these guys to come after us has this place pretty staked out right now, and he seems too together to just forget that we have another exit in here. Plus there was a lock on it, which brings to reason that other people besides us know of it and could have tried to use it before." I took a quick turn around the room; all eyes were on me and they respected what I was saying. Something about this felt familiar. I liked it, but moving on, "I think our best bet is going to be for us to stay here for right now and defend the strong point. They have to come in one at a time and they can't all attack us at once. We're going to be just fine as long as we keep our cool and relax about this while we can." Everyone, more or less, was nodding along in agreement to what I had to say as Joan stepped in.  
  
"I think Michael is right. Lets settle in here for a bit and you never know but our memories could just come back with a little time." She grabbed my arm as if it was the most natural thing in the world for her to be standing at my side. I walked back over and picked up my stake to tuck it in my back pocket as I looked up the stairs.  
  
"I wonder if there are any windows up there." Joan's eyes got big and a mischievous grin sprung its way onto her face as she got her own idea from my idea.  
  
"I don't know, but I think we'd better go check." She said. Following as far as our interlocked fingers would allow us, I was very aware of the other's eyes on us as we made our way up the staircase to the loft of bookshelves above. Once there she backed into the shadows and pulled me close. Our lips met in the first of a wild array of increasingly heated kisses. I had to break our lock for a second as I leaned back to bring her whole face into view gasping for air.  
  
"Should we be doing this? We don't really know who we are. I mean, we could be enemies or something." Her mischievous smile returned in full force as she spun me around and had me up against the wall.  
  
"It is kind of exciting, isn't it? Of course we also don't know when the last time I thanked you for saving my life was, now do we?" If that wasn't enough to shut me up she made sure my mouth was otherwise occupied. She pressed herself up against me and then she was up in my arms with her legs wrapped around me and her lips took on more urgency as her hips started moving more rapidly and she started halfway moaning against me. My hands roamed her tight body as her fingers dug into my back and her mouth went from my mouth to my neck where she bit down as she shook against me. I don't know what it was about that bite, but the sharp pain sent a shudder of pleasure through my body. Slowly she released her teeth and looked first at my eyes and then down at where our bodies still touched. I reluctantly put her down, but didn't let go of her as I followed her gaze and then looked back up at her face and brought her close in to me again so I could lick a bit of my own blood off of her upper lip. Her eyes shining, she responded to my mouth again quickly, this time reaching with her hand sliding down my chest to my belt and –  
  
The front door burst inward as a HUGE vampire stepped in followed quickly by three of his fellow cohorts and then two more pushed through the remains of the door behind them. I didn't even get the chance to look at Joan as I leapt over the rail and did a slow summersault before I landed down on one knee. The vamp swung over my head as I stepped under and around to kick him in the chest and then twisted his arm forward to flip him onto his back. I wrestled with him quite a bit, but noticed randy and Rupert around the edges helping out. Finally, as I stabbed him with the stake from my back pocket and he exploded I was hit over the head with a chair wielded by a vampire. Vaguely I saw randy jump over my head and kick the vampire that hit me. I was up on my feet shortly, only slightly dizzy, and rejoined the fray. Suddenly I looked over at randy as he threw a vamp in my direction and realized that his face was the same as theirs. Randy was a vampire! Next time he got close enough to me I punched him square in the face and knocked him backward to slide along the floor and hit his head against the counter, out cold.  
  
"Hey what'd you do that for?!" I was a little too busy to answer Alex as I was dealing with all the vampires at once. He didn't wait for a response as he tried to help out Rupert and managed to get him out of the way and come back into the fight. Then there was another figure in the fray knocking the vampires back. I swung my gaze in that direction and took a hit on the jaw as I froze distracted by the figure wearing my leather jacket. She moved like I'd never seen anyone move before. Okay, so I couldn't remember anything before today, but she was still amazing. We started working as a team and it wasn't long before there was only one vampire left, but he'd gotten past the two of us and knocked Alex down. With a shout willow lunged forward and pushed against the vamp with both hands. Surprised he flared out with one hand that caught on the pocket in her shirt and something fell out. By this time I'd finally reached the vamp and pulled him back and away from them right into Joan's stake.  
  
"Wow. Is it over?" Alex got up slowly and didn't notice where he put his feet as he crushed the black crystal that'd fallen out of Willow's shirt. Memories came flooding back in a sudden wave of near nausea. I looked at Joan, no Buffy, looking for her reaction to me among other things. She shook her head slightly as she looked around remembering their fight from earlier. She refused to look at me except in a cryptically puzzled glance. She was the first to speak before the rest of the group had fully composed themselves. Unfortunately it wasn't to me.  
  
"Spike, go deal with that shark thing; right now!" He seemed about to protest, but shut his mouth at her head shake and headed for the front door.  
  
"Is everyone alright?" Giles seemed slightly uncomfortable and I had to stop myself from wondering what he and Anya had done while Buffy and I had been upstairs and they thought they were engaged. Everyone checked themselves. I ran my hand to the back of my head where I got hit by the chair, but I wasn't bleeding too much so I figured I'd probably live for another day. I looked over to see Willow sitting by herself while Tara markedly ignored the pleading looks Willow was sending in her direction. Anya was making a big show of being together and happy with Xander, and Giles, after making sure all had answered in the affirmative, was taking an extra long time cleaning his glasses. After he was done, he finally turned to me and cleared his throat before speaking.  
  
"I believe you were saying something about impending danger...?" 


	7. What where or who

After he was done cleaning his glasses, Giles finally turned to me and cleared his throat before speaking.  
  
"I believe you were saying something about impending danger...?"  
  
"Yes, but something tells me this wasn't it; nothing I did was anything the Slayer couldn't have done by herself. The other piece of bad news was that I'm not sure what that impending evil will be, unfortunately."  
  
"I see. And, by the way, you are?" I'd almost forgotten that these people I'd just fought alongside didn't even know my name.  
  
"Sorry. My name is Jake and I'm here to help." Buffy looked about to say something but Giles continued.  
  
"It's a good thing that you are, too" Giles took his glasses off to clean them again as he continued speaking. "I think it's best for right now if we just move past what we did and most of what happened when we didn't know who we were. We need to begin reviewing anything we have access to searching for references to danger to the slayer." His leaving seemed to be forgotten for the moment as Tara told Buffy she'd be heading to the house to pack some things. Buffy nodded at her absently and I caught her looking at me a few times over the next ten minutes or so while willow announced she needed to take a walk and the rest of us started straightening up the shop and talking. Buffy was quiet for most of it, but she asked the most straightforward and serious question of me yet.  
  
"So, not that I'm complaining, but why are you here to help exactly?"  
  
"I don't know if you remember me, but you saved my life a little over a year and a half ago. In my book, that warrants repayment. More than that, though, I'm one of the few humans fighting in this war and I'm still new enough to know I need help myself."  
  
"You need training?" Dawn stopped cleaning to ask her question.  
  
"Everyone needs training and practice, even just to keep the skills they've got. No such thing as a free lunch." Xander took this opportunity to begin some kind of dialogue with Dawn that I didn't bother to try and follow, I could only stare at Buffy willing her to remember me.  
  
"You don't remember me, do you?"  
  
"Sorry, you'll have to be more specific. I tend to save a lot of people."  
  
"Don't worry about it, it was a while ago. First I was getting shot at, and then I got attacked by two vampires, both of which you dusted for me, and thus saved my life; end of story." We finished up what we could do for the shop before most of us headed into the training room in the back so I could see what was available to the Slayer.  
  
"I've changed a lot from the guy I was back then. I learned as much about the underworld I could, especially how few champions we have on our side. The way I see it, how can I not help out once I know this kind of problem exists."  
  
"So how come you're all with the super strength yourself? The Slayer thing is kind of my bag."  
  
"I did a lot, and I do mean a lot, of training; but I wouldn't call what I have 'super'. Some minor magic, more mind discipline, and a whole lot of hard work."  
  
"You certainly have come a long way from the way you say you were if you can now do what I do."  
  
"What do you say; want to see how far I've come along?" She seemed wary at first, but Xander prodded her by asking how it could possibly hurt. "Besides," he said, "he's asking for it." I don't think he liked me very much.  
  
"You know, the last time I tried doing this with a regular guy, I kind of hurt him."  
  
"Riley wasn't exactly a regular guy, buff. Remember they had him all pumped full of those performance enhancing drugs and stuff."  
  
"That's right, maybe this really isn't such a good idea."  
  
"So this guy shouldn't be a danger to you and you can keep yourself from hurting him, so what's the problem? All you have to do is not kill him." What Xander said seemed to put Buffy to rest about something and we faced off.  
  
Buffy feinted a jab to the right, and then went for a reverse leg sweep. I simply jumped and avoided it, as if knowing that it was coming before it happened. I swung back with a left hook that was blocked too easily and got pushed back by blocking her counter attacking left hook. It was all moving so smoothly and quickly. Like a dance you never forget. I lifted my right leg which she ducked under and kicked to my left side and I took a hit, but turned with it to dissipate her force.  
  
"You're not done already, are you?" I smiled as I took advantage of Buffy's quip to feint and hit her in the ribs. She quickly re-gathered herself and continued to pile on a fury of punches, left, right, right, and gut, all being successfully blocked by me, granted some were more difficult than others.  
  
Xander stage whispered to the group watching in awe, "Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all."  
  
Giles countered with, "I haven't seen her fight someone like this since... Angel." Everyone present remembered why Giles didn't want to say that name.  
  
We continued to circle around, weaving and bobbing. Both of us were keeping on our toes. Combinations of kicks and punches were being thrown at each other. It wasn't too long until Buffy started using high flying moves that you only see in some kind of Bruce Lee movie. She flew over the top of me and pushed / kicked me from behind. I hit the ground, but quickly rolled forward and onto my feet.  
  
"Are you holding back?" She seemed surprised to be asking that question.  
  
"Actually, I am. Are you?" She actually had a pleased expression on her face as she nodded eagerly and then she quirked a smile and tilted her head to the side.  
  
"Wanna try full out?" She asked. I could have read her anticipation if I hadn't been receptive to her. Something in her begged for a good fight.  
  
"Hell yes! I wouldn't have you- I mean it any other way." Her face kind of clouded slightly as I made my Freudian slip, but her eager smile returned after a quick glance at her friends to make sure they didn't notice. Uh oh, something about this slayer said bad girl to me. I idly wondered why what I'd said would make her smile like that before snapping back to myself; that kind of thinking wouldn't help me beat her.  
  
Someone else came into the dojo, but I couldn't check to see who it was, all of my attention was focused entirely on Buffy and her next move. Suddenly as one, like a scene from a matrix movie or something, we both leaned back and swung a reverse round-house kick at each others chests, hers went below mine and we both grabbed each others foot by instinct. I leaned backwards and fell onto my left side, grabbing her closest forearm in my right hand and, as my thigh hit the ground, shifting my left foot to her right shin; I catapulted her over my head and she let go of my foot to hit the ground with her right hand and rolled to my right onto her feat as I still lay there on the ground. I dodged her dropping hammer kick by pulling my feet up over my head and rolling backwards into a back- handspring while she turned her right foot hammer kick into first a low spinning roundhouse kick with her left foot that missed under me and then a jumping spinning roundhouse as I kept moving backward and went from the handspring to a back-tuck that ended in a split as her foot went over my head. I pushed her in the back, sending her off balance and forcing her to move a few feet away before I pulled both feet behind me and rolled forward to launch myself directly at her. She planted her foot in my stomach (that hurt) and, grabbing my shoulders, launched me over her head, spinning one full turn end over end, to hit the far wall with my chest and falling to my back.  
  
I heard a combined gasp from the assembled audience as I hit, but not giving anybody the chance to stop us, I quickly flipped sideways onto my feet and moved back in with a quick series of punch and kick combo's throwing in a few knee and elbow blocks for variety as she easily met me and sent a few back my way. It became a dangerous game as we hit each other full force, taunting ourselves and each other, trying to see how close we could let the blows come before blocking, dodging, or turning them aside.  
  
Most fights I've been a part of or seen between two proficient combatants normally last about four minutes all out. By that time one opponent normally gets tired and makes a mistake. There would be no mistakes here; we played, like we trained, like we fight: life or death. You either go home at the end of the night and the other guy doesn't, or it's the other way around. There is no middle ground and there are no compromises. There was no sloppiness here, just the concentration of planting combinations of moves and blocking those moves. And it was by watching the two champions, heroes, whatever he called them, that he finally knew. Giles seemed to stay quiet with his eyes wide the entire length of the fight until he saw me take the full force of a hit to the head and keep fighting, then his eyes got even wider and he took off and started cleaning his glasses thinking to himself.  
  
Our fight was in its twelfth minute before I could see a sudden determination in her face and decided to take my chance to end it as she launched a powerful right punch at where my head should have been. I grabbed her forearm with my left and my right arm snaked to around her neck and I planted my left foot inside her right foot forward stance at the same time before pointing my right toe and twisting to my right; surprise evident in her face and her aura as she found herself over-reached and falling at a right angle to her stance unable to recover. She did manage to grab the back of my head by the hair and my shoulder in her right hand to bring me down too; right on top of her.  
  
We both froze there, looking up at each other and suddenly there was no one else in the room but us. And it was us, for in that moment I saw in her eyes the same thing I felt for myself; we were the same. The pungently sweet aroma of our exertion filled my nose and I don't think I've ever been this turned on by anyone before. We were frozen in a kind of new-age art sculpture kind of tableau, our legs entangled, and our faces inches apart; until the blood from my brow dripped down my nose and onto her face. She didn't even blink as the single crimson drop fell in slow motion to spread itself on her beautiful cheek. Even after it hit, it seemed almost like something from a fairy-tail ending to a classic and heroic fight scene. I blinked and shook my head to clear it and contain myself before I did something stupid in front of her friends. I could see her hesitate in uncertainty at what just happened as I broke eye contact, but as I half nodded toward her friends and then mouthed the words talk later, her smile returned; just in time for me to get to my feet and extend her my hand.  
  
Finally I realized who had come in as we were turning our fight more serious. Dawn looked around a little uncertainly as Anya looked on at us almost eager with anticipation and, I guess, feeling a little unsure of what was going on as she turned from looking at Xander to looking back and forth from me to Buffy. Buffy turned away from the gaze of her younger sister and went to the bench to get us each a towel which she threw at me when I wasn't looking and still caught. I don't know why I was having trouble shutting down my link with Buffy; it seemed harder than it should be. Think about that later, dodge the accusing and anticipatory looks from Dawn now.  
  
"Hey Dawn, how's it going?" Trying to sound nonchalant doesn't work very well with me and kid sisters I guess.  
  
"What were you guys doing?"  
  
"Sparring" Thankfully Giles answered for us.  
  
"So when do I get to find some cute guy to spar with?" Dawn's eyes were focused on her sister in a very distinct 'I'm definitely old enough' / 'no you are not' competition as her sister answered.  
  
"Considering the last cute guy you 'sparred' with was a vampire, I'm thinking not until you are never."  
  
"I see, but you get to spar with vampires all the time, huh." She made a sort of hand wavey indicator in my direction as she spoke.  
  
"He is not a vampire, Dawn. Besides I am the Slayer, it's sort of my job."  
  
"If he's not a vampire, then how come he can move like that?"  
  
"Dawn trust me, he's not a vampire; I think I would know. What's with you anyway?"  
  
"He's no vamp, I'd smell him if he was." Spike spoke from the doorway to the dojo, still wearing that ridiculous brown pinstripe suit. I looked sharply at him wondering what else he could smell on me. I made a mental note that we'd have to speak about that a little later.  
  
"Spike, so nice of you to join us, did you have fun feeding kittens to Mr. Sharky?" The slayer's voice was dripping sticky sweat and sarcastic. Looked to me like our little fight had helped out her mood.  
  
"Very funny, pet, but now that that's all taken care of, I'll be going home to change now." He turned and started walking off, but still visible through the doorway. Xander took that opportunity to yell after the retreating figure.  
  
"Wait, don't go yet; I've still got to get a picture of your wonderful wardrobe choice for today Spike!" Spike's middle finger was all he got in response, but somehow that didn't stop Xander from grinning in satisfaction.  
  
"Actually that sounds like a good idea to me too."  
  
"You think Spike changing clothes is a good idea? C'mon Buffy, that outfit was totally taunt-worthy."  
  
"No, Xander; I think we could all use a good shower and a change of clothes, especially us. Did I just say that? God-"She stopped herself before going any further.  
  
"Uh, not to be a bother, but does anyone have a shower I can use? I did just get in today." Okay, so I lied a little; I just wanted to be invited over to her house for the night, even if it was just to take a shower.  
  
"Yeah, you can stay at my place tonight; everyone does." My prayers were answered. I grabbed my jacket and my bag on the way out of the shop with the rest of the crew and we started walking, me Dawn and Buffy, back to her house. We get there and they get the first showers, of course, while I do a few reps of my nightly exercises outside when I suddenly have a still lit cigarette butt thrown to the ground in front of my face. I continue doing push-ups while I greeted the severely blond vampire.  
  
"Feel better Spike?"  
  
"Why, am I supposed to feel better now that you're here to protect the slayer and her little bit tonight? Why did he send you here, anyway?" Oh shit, I was right about his sense of smell. Oh well, when in doubt, play dumb.  
  
"I don't know who you're speaking of. I chanced by here this time for the same reason I was two years ago, only this time it's a different target. You haven't by any chance seen a skelarg demon around here lately, have you?"  
  
"Very funny, mate, but I don't buy all of your rot as quickly as Buffy seems to, especially not after smelling angel on you. How much time did you spend with him in L.A.? You practically reek of him; I'm almost surprised Buffy can't smell it on you."  
  
"This was his old jacket. He gave it to me after I tore mine up saving a friend of his. To answer your question, as there seems to be no getting around it, I was there for almost a month before I left again. Now there's only one thing else we need to talk about before continuing with the pleasantries of conversation."  
  
"And that is...?"  
  
"Now I get most of what happened between him and Buffy, but I don't know the whole story. The fact is that it's important that she not know he sent me to save her from whatever is on its way here; and I'm not just talking about a skelarg demon."  
  
"Normally about this point, mate, I'd be telling you to sod off and walking in to tell Buffy about this strange angel-like scent about you. I'm not gonna do that for two reasons: first, it would put her in a sad state to be thinking about her old nancy-boy, and believe me, that's not something she needs right now; second, if Buffy's about to be in a danger serious enough for Angel to want someone like him to be here, then my philosophy becomes, the more people protecting her the better." He sat down beside me and lit another cigarette as I finished my set and sat on the front stoop.  
  
"So you won't tell Buffy?" He was trying to offer me a cigarette, but I wanted to make sure he was serious. Not that I was willing to trust this vampire as far as Dawn could throw him, but maybe he at least wouldn't get in my way.  
  
"Swear on my own mum's grave, I do. But don't think I'm doing this for Angel or for you, this is for her."  
  
"Alright then, thank you. I'd better get inside now for my shower before everyone goes to bed." I stood up and nodded as I went in through the back door and around the corner to the stairs as Buffy, freshly out of the shower, stopped herself short as she was coming down the stairs.  
  
"Oh, um. Willow's asleep now, Tara's gone. Dawn's already got her shower and is in bed. Towels are on the bar and you can use my shampoo and stuff if you need. Also there's medical stuff under the sink if your head starts bleeding again. Sorry about that by the way."  
  
"Don't worry about it, babe; I've had much worse. Though few that were as enjoyable to acquire." I gave her a kind of half grin to let her know I was just joking. The look she gave me was her own half smile that I was growing to enjoy as she cocked her head a little to the side and said, "Why thank you, sir. It wasn't too bad for me either." Then more serious, "Where'd you learn how to fight like that anyway?"  
  
"I learned from a lot of different teachers in a lot of different ways in a lot of different places. I started back home at the local Dojo, but I've studied in japan the art of boshido, kenpo in china, a few others. Most of my martial arts I actually had already learned by the time you saved me before, but that was when I realized that I was a little out-matched by the underworld. I learned to adapt, is all; my martial arts and combat skills with some magic and some mind tricks acquired at great length in Tibet. I may be able to beat you Slayer, if I worked hard enough at it, but your strength comes from a greater power; mine comes from myself and the things I've learned. If you had some of the tricks I do, that fight today would have easily been over in under a minute. You've got strength like I've never seen before."  
  
"Then you're not looking closely enough. You matched me easily; almost too easily it seemed at times. I can't tell you how infuriating it was today when I couldn't land a blow because you weren't even there anymore. No matter where your ability comes from, it worked well today and gave me a pretty good run for my money."  
  
"You know, it means a lot to hear you say that; especially when you were the reason I started training as hard as I did."  
  
"Me? What did I do? Besides tell you my name after you hounded me for it a few times."  
  
"Ah! I knew you remembered me when I looked at you in the Magic Box. You did more than save me; you showed me just how many people really need to be saved. I didn't become the way I am now because I wanted to be able to beat you or because I'm on some kind of macho male ego trip here. I did it because I can't expect anyone else to do something for me that I won't do myself for someone else. The other thing you showed me was how unprepared I was for that kind of a fight; I couldn't do it the way I was. So, I learned. That's all there is to it."  
  
"You make it sound so simple. I remember when it used to be like that for me, but everything's so different now." Her eyes went distant as she seemed to think of times long past. "Come to think of it, things were never that simple. I don't get that." She was quiet for a minute before she asked me if we could talk.  
  
"I thought we were talking." Not even a half smile; this was serious.  
  
"About what happened today, between us?" Oh, that. She didn't sound too comfortable with it, either.  
  
"I thought Giles said that it would probably be best to forget about what happened when we didn't know who we were. I think we might want to do this later."  
  
"Right, but... I just wanted to make sure you know I'm not normally like that. I mean, I don't normally do that."  
  
"I understand. We were all lost and you and I just got caught up in the moment. Don't worry about it."  
  
"I'm not worried; I just wanted to make sure we understood each other." I nodded and she stood there for a minute as if waiting for me to say something else.  
  
"I'm here to try and help you and to learn from you. I'd like to be your friend, especially since we've already saved each other's lives, but that's all. I admire you, Slayer, I'll admit it; but I'm here for a reason." She nodded slightly as I spoke and it seemed not quite what she wanted to hear, but it worked for now as she bid me goodnight and I went upstairs to shower and clean the cut on my head as well as I could on my own. On my way out I noticed Buffy's light was still on so I tapped on the door and then, when she said come in, I opened the door partially and leaned in to see Buffy sitting on her bed still fully clothed.  
  
"Look, I know it's not really my business, but I wanted to let you know you can trust me and you can talk to me if you need to. Might be nice to get, you know, an outside perspective on things sometimes. I know you went through a lot, and I heard you today say it was just too much. I heard you say it felt like you were dying, and that's not the right way to feel no matter who you are." She was silent and watching me while I talked, but her expression didn't change. "Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I'm here to listen and help if I can. Goodnight." I closed the door behind me without a sound from her and made my way down the stairs. I was halfway down when I heard it open again and she came out and followed me down.  
  
"Wait." I turned and looked at her as she came down a few more steps so we could see each other eye to eye. "I'm sorry. I know you didn't mean... well, I mean, uh, thank you." I was silent, but kept my aura receptive and tried to vibe soothingly. She took a breath and continued. "It's just so much, too much sometimes." She clouded up for a minute and it seemed like she might cry in just the next second. "Why can't things just be simple again!? Why did mom have to die? Why did I have to come back? Why do all these bills just keep showing up? Why does my sister enjoy being difficult? Why can't everything just get worked out by someone else for a change?!" She clasped her hands to her face and now she was crying and shaking too, leaving me standing there shocked for a second before I reacted in a way I didn't know I could anymore; I reached out and grabbed her to me and started whispering into her sweet smelling hair as we gently rocked back and forth.  
  
I'm not sure what I said to her but I just kept whispering and humming as she burrowed even tighter into my embrace by hugging herself tightly to my chest. It was almost too tightly; I had to call upon mind control so I wouldn't miss the oxygen too much. She needed something real to hold onto right now, and I guess I was just the closest thing here. We sat there for a few minutes with me the only one of us talking until, slowly, her tears started to dry up and she stopped shaking; and still we sat there rocking. Finally she stopped rocking so I stopped whispering. We sat there, both of us waiting for the other to say something. Finally I started petting her hair and re-arranged us sitting together on the bottom stair but with her head resting on my right thigh and me still holding her and stroking her hair and back. Neither of us spoke for almost ten minutes as she would break into short sobs occasionally and each time I'd shush her softly and tell her that it's all okay. Finally she went to sit up and I held her to me as I spoke softy and made her a promise between us.  
  
"My life is forfeit to you. You saved me and there's no way I can ever repay that except to be right there with you, and for you if you'll let me, no matter what that means I have to do, where I have to go to get it done or whoever gets in my way to do it. I'm gonna help you out when I can and be here for you when I can't. I can't protect you and I don't know if I can save you or even be anything but a hindrance to you, all I can do is that I will try; but I promise you I will try."  
  
She was quiet for a moment after I stopped talking; assimilating all I'd just told her and working out if she could trust me. She pulled back from me a little bit and looked into my eyes for a second and then I sensed a change in her, as if she'd just decided to stop thinking. Next thing I knew we were kissing again, opening my mouth to try and take all of her in at once. She met me with an almost urgent passion. She moved to straddle me on the bottom stair and dug her fingers into my hair, pulling me into her. Our tongues were doing what our bodies were trying to do with our clothes on when suddenly I broke our kiss and held her first back looking at her face and then crushed her to my chest.  
  
"Baby, as much as I want us to do this, we can't. It would be wrong of me to take advantage of you right now; not when all I am to you is a distraction. I think you deserve more than that." God, her face looked so fallen I almost stopped right then and there and kept kissing her. I could even hear her thought. 'Aren't I worth it? Don't I get to choose who and what I want for me?' But no, if we're gonna do this then I want it to be right and I want it to be for me being me. I sucked in a breath and soldiered on through what I had to say. What I had to make her understand. "You're worth more than that, I know you are; for all you've already done, let alone what you might do tomorrow. No, more than that; you're worth everything just for being yourself. I don't want to ruin this moment. I don't you to look back on this with regret. If and when this happens, I want it to be real. I want to be worthy of you. I want you to be happy and I definitely want you to see how you feel tomorrow before deciding if this is what you want with me. I'd rather be your friend than have you feel bad about us next week." As fallen as her face was before, I can only say I was nothing less than shocked when she started laughing. Okay, so she was chuckling, but it was a start. She picked her face up from my chest and moved off from on top of me but kept herself in my embrace.  
  
"I'm sorry I'm so messed up, I'm not normally like this and I don't know why I am now. I shouldn't have expected that of you after tearing myself apart like that. Thank you for being here for me. God I must look a wreck!" She started wiping her face and I stopped her. Gently, gently I wiped the tears away one by one. Slowly tracing the lines of her face and moving my hand down the line of her jaw to brush a stray strand of hair back behind her ear where it belonged. Then I slowly moved my face closer to hers to kiss her gently on her forehead as she closed her eyes and she looked up at me her eyes shining as a slow smile worked its way onto her face. She looked up at me, "By the way, I made up the couch for you before I took my shower so you should be okay-"  
  
"I'm sure I'll be just fine and thank you for your hospitality. Now, to bed with you, young lady. Young, beautiful, charming, and sometimes emotional lady." With a fake look of obedience and a half smile she stood up as I did and with a last hug and kiss on the cheek she headed up to bed. I stood there for a few seconds marveling at how easy it was to get her to open up to me. All it took was one little mental nudge to get her to almost break up her emotional resolve completely. I wondered what would have happened if she'd bottled that stress inside of her and away from the rest of the world.  
  
Outside, unbeknownst to either me or Buffy, a shadowy yet blond figure stood on the outside looking in throughout the entire ordeal with a lit but un-smoked cigarette clenched in his fist burning his skin. As I headed up the stairs he threw the cigarette that bounced off the window with a spark and fell into the shadows to smolder out by itself. Spike, however, could not be as lucky as his cigarette. Being an old and experienced, if emotional, vampire he knew how to wait. Killing me now would only hurt the slayer even more. Besides, he knew that if he were to ever have Buffy for his own, it would truly have to be her decision. So he would let go of tonight and there was time enough tomorrow for him to think out the best dozen or so ways to kill me... after we saved Buffy. 


	8. It was early

CHP 7 it was early.  
  
It was early, way too early, in the morning when she came down the stairs. She was trying to sneak by me and moved almost silently down the hallway through the kitchen and out the back door. I feigned sleep for a few more seconds before standing up and pulling on my pants and jacket and then slowly following her out the back door. She wasn't there, but her tracks were. I gave my eyes a few moments to adjust to the low lighting before I turned my gaze down to the grass. I checked what looked like her prints in the grass for depth and bounce of the grass stems before moving on, sure of them belonging to her. I thought back with half a smile, about teaching one of the survival classes for special agents I used to do when I was still in the army. I learned this when I was a kid from an old Indian man I used to spend time with every summer in the woods where he lived before he died. He taught me everything I knew about tracking anything I would need to. I learned how to track demons and such using the same principals, but this time I was tracking a Slayer, a first for me, and I was looking forward to the challenge.  
  
Her signs were small, intermittent. A turned aside leaf or even quickly drying footprints after puddles indicated direction. Without knowing it she led me through the neighborhood in almost random directions until her tracks approached downtown and then the alleys. I lamented the option of following her through those small paths. I looked overhead as an idea came to me. Angel seemed to have no problems tracking from the rooftops, couldn't hurt to try it, right? I clamored up the fire escape after jumping for the ladder and tried to get my bearings from this new point of view. I followed her probable path and then fanned out in random directions until I heard sounds of a scuffle in progress. Then I heard what had to be Buffy's voice cry out the single word 'NO!' and found myself rushing toward the sound. I almost took a spill on some loose gravel and ended up sliding a few feet after I jumped from one rooftop to the next; this was harder than it looked.  
  
Finally I came upon Buffy looking down at Spike with her arms crossed. I heard Spike respond to Buffy as he got up from a broken sundry of wooden crates and had one hand firmly pressed against his skull.  
  
"I thought they were demons."  
  
"Way to go with the keen observiness, Jessica Fletcher."  
  
"Remind me not to help you." Sounding a little sour there, Spike.  
  
"More often?"  
  
"Hey, a little sympathy for the man with the migraine here can we? Heh?"  
  
"Well that's what you get for attacking a human."  
  
"You'd think if the government was gonna put a chip in my head they'd at least have made it so I could attack criminals and that sort." So Spike had a chip in his head, huh. And he couldn't attack humans. So that was why he was on our side. I wonder what would happen if that chip stopped working.  
  
"Yes, because muggers deserve to be eaten. You just have to get your rocks off fighting demons." Spike raised one eyebrow and his voice took on a different quality.  
  
"There are other ways." Was Spike coming on to her? Buffy's tone grew cold.  
  
"And to that, an extreme 'see you later'." She turned to walk away.  
  
"Buffy." Spike spoke in sing song; the Slayer turned around seeming tired of the entire conversation. I got the impression they'd done this before.  
  
"Spike, it's late, can we just finish this another time?"  
  
"So, you want to jump right to the kissing then." Kissing? What the hell was he talking about? Not like I had any room to talk, I realized. I show up in town and hours later I was kissing Buffy. I'd known her personally for all of a day, and most of it we didn't even know who we were. Who was I to question who she kissed before me or after me for that matter? I stopped thinking for a second and let that sink in before I realized their conversation was continuing. Reality check, gotta love it.  
  
"I am not kissing you Spike. Not again." She turned and walked down the alley as Spike made his retort.  
  
"You're nothing but a bloody tease, Slayer. Get a fella's motor revving, let the tension marinate a few days and then boom, crown yourself the ice queen."  
  
"Need a couple of more metaphors for that little mix?" Buffy interjected before he finished up what he was saying,  
  
"It's only a matter of time before you realize I'm the only one here for you pet," A note of desperation crept into his voice; "you've got no-one else!" She stopped and turned around. She stood there silently for a second, but when she spoke there was something in her voice I hadn't heard before,  
  
"Yes... I think I do." Her voice was quiet and calm.  
  
I'd heard enough. I knew that she was safe and stable enough to be out on her own. I walked away and jumped over a few buildings leaving her behind. Whatever she had to talk to Spike about really wasn't any of my business. I figured she was going to take a straight route back to her house, so I took a slightly longer path running to beat her back to house so that when she came in, all was as it seemed when she left. I feigned waking up as she came through the door, and she apologized for waking me.  
  
"Where'd you go?" I kept all accusation out of my voice.  
  
"Oh, I just couldn't sleep. I thought a little patrol might help tire me out, is all."  
  
"Any action out there?" I didn't mean it that way, I promised myself.  
  
"Nope, it's all pretty dead out there. How are you doing?"  
  
"I'm okay, I guess. My head's still a little sore, but I'm fine. How 'bout you?"  
  
"I'm... good, I think. Wow, I don't remember the last time I was just good."  
  
"I can't sleep either. Wanna sit down and keep each other awake?" She nodded and sat down close to me on the couch and I wrapped my arm around her shoulders as she snuggled closer.  
  
"You know, it's kind of cold out there." She had her head against my chest and it wasn't too long at all before she was asleep against me. I had tried to plant just a simple sleep suggestion, but something about her warm weight against me made me feel safer than I had sleeping by myself for quite a while. I felt my eyelids start to get heavy and moved to lay down with Buffy facing me on the inside of the couch. She sighed as she repositioned herself with her arms around me. I pulled her close and within seconds we were both asleep.  
  
I awoke with a start as I looked around trying to figure out where I was. Buffy was groggy beside me as she looked around the room, squinting against the light of the day.  
  
"Whaah?" Her question turned into a yawn as she sat up and stretched. Somehow during the night we'd switched sides and she was on the outside facing out with me spooned against her back.  
  
"C'mon sleepyhead, it's morning." Patting my back as she stood up, she moved first to the kitchen to grab some juice before looking at the clock and walking quickly back into the living room to ask me what day today was.  
  
"Saturday, I think." Looking at my watch to make sure, I nodded my head as I took my turn to stretch. "Everything alright?"  
  
"Yeah, I guess. I was worried about Dawn getting off to school on time." I looked at my watch again to check the time now and shook my head in appreciation.  
  
"Wow, ten o'clock already." I got up and put my pants on to follow Buffy upstairs and use the bathroom while she peeked into first Dawn's and then Willow's rooms, nodding in satisfaction.  
  
"They're both sleeping." She whispered as she slipped past me into the bathroom and I headed back downstairs to change my shirt and finish freshening up for the day. I heard Buffy upstairs go from the bathroom to her bedroom and close the door. I took the opportunity to straighten up the sheets she'd let 'me' borrow and to do some thinking. My thoughts were mostly with the blond woman upstairs who'd saved my life, who'd made out with me when we both didn't know who we were, who I could almost beat in a fight, who had needed as much emotional support last night as I had to give, and had woken up next to me this morning and acted as if it were the most natural thing in the world. I sat down to calculate the complexity of the creature called Buffy and continued folding.  
  
Several questions and thoughts swam through my head. What would you call us now? Were we friends? I hoped we were at least friends. And what the hell was the deal with Spike? For me to ask her to decide about any of that now, just for my own comfort, would be selfish and would probably just push her away from me, something I did not want to happen. On the other hand, what if she needed a stable relationship and needed to be told she had one waiting when she needed it? I went downstairs to the basement to put the folded sheets on top of the washing machine. When I came back up I caught Buffy standing in the kitchen hugging herself and with a slightly confused look on her face that she hid when she saw me.  
  
"You okay?" I asked her, a little worried myself now. She nodded and seemed to be searching for an answer and was subdued when she responded after a second or two.  
  
"I didn't know where you went. I guess I was afraid you'd left already and we wouldn't have the chance to talk." I was thinking to myself about that comment when I got an idea from something I saw over her head.  
  
"You know I won't run out on you, I don't have anywhere else better to go. And if you need me or don't know where I am, I have a fix for that too." While I'd been talking I moved over to the fridge behind her and in large letters I wrote out my name and number on the eraser board. "There, perfect. Now, fair lady, what else do we have to get done today before the world ends... again?" Her half smile was back as I bowed to her and proclaimed her wish as my command.  
  
"Stop goofing around, you'll wake them up." Her words were scolding, but her expression was still amused. She told me about the research set to go on and how she planned on trying one more time to talk Giles out of going back to England before he left on Monday. Dawn was going to visit with Janice later today and she didn't know what Willow was going to do, but planned on giving her friend the time to deal before trying to talk with her about what happened. I nodded my head at each task set before us, my eyes following her as she moved around the kitchen as she talked, pouring cereal into a bowl, getting milk from the fridge, and grabbing a spoon from the drawer. I was captivated by the simple motions of her hands. The grace she possessed; never a clumsy move or a step out of place. I was captivated. She looked up and caught me looking at her and stopped.  
  
"What?" Bite the bullet, Jake.  
  
"You. The way you move, it's... amazing." She blinked slowly and her smile appeared before her eyes reopened.  
  
"Thank you. Not all the time, though. I can promise that one. It's still nice to get an actual compliment sometimes." I moved around the center counter to stand next to her and took her hand in mine.  
  
"It's my pleasure." I kissed her hand but she pulled it back and I dropped it as another voice chimed in.  
  
"What are you doing?" Dawn came in and went straight to pouring herself a glass of juice. Buffy answered for us, trying to look nonchalant.  
  
"Dawn, I thought you were asleep."  
  
"I was. I had to get ready so I can go to meet Janice."  
  
"Oh. Want some breakfast?"  
  
"Naw, I'm okay. Catch you guys later." She headed out through the living room and we heard the front door open and then close. I glanced back at Buffy who gave a kind of nervous giggle and went back to her cereal. I found a banana and peeled it while I analyzed what just happened. Was Buffy nervous about letting Dawn see us together or nervous about us being together? Was I over-thinking this? I guess I was because it wasn't until Buffy said something that I realized I was looking intently at the peeled back banana.  
  
"If you're having a staring contest, I think you won. Bananas don't have eyes. Now, I think there's a potato in the cupboard over there you can try next if you want." I blinked and grinned at her.  
  
"Sorry; I was thinking."  
  
"Well, you better hurry if we're going to go meet Giles." I finished the banana quickly and grabbed my bag on the way following her out the door. We talked as we walked and it seemed like no time before we were in front of the Magic Box. Reluctantly, I let go of the hand I hadn't realized I'd been holding and opened the door for her. We walked into a mini-battle between Giles and Anya over who owned a certain tome. Giles looked up as Buffy cleared her throat and stood up to clean his glasses. Shortly they went into the training room to talk. I didn't know what exactly she was going to say, but I knew she felt she needed him and I knew that I at least wanted him to stay until we knew what we would be facing. The door closed between us and I looked over to find Anya looking at me.  
  
"Man, you got it bad, huh?" Straight to the point, she was. I found myself with a wry grin on my face and gazing at the door between us as I answered.  
  
"She is... amazing." I turned from the door back toward where she stood behind the cash register. "How are you doing?"  
  
"I'm fine. People are buying things today, Xander and I made up last night and again this morning; and I just hid the book Giles was trying to take with him." She seemed very pleased with herself. I smiled at her and mostly just looked around the shop, admiring a few objects and it wasn't long before she came up behind me and offered to answer any questions I might have about pricing or history of an object. I told her I thought I would be okay for a while and with a smile she headed back to counting her money. I didn't hear any of the conversation between Buffy and Giles, but when she came out of the back she did not seem happy. She seemed intent on leaving right then, but I asked her to wait for me and headed into the back myself.  
  
"Why are you doing this?" He had straightened as I closed the door behind me and at my question he took off and started cleaning his glasses.  
  
"She asked me much the same exact question and I can only tell you that it is what I must do."  
  
"I doubt very much that leaving Buffy and the group behind is the only way to fix the problem. What else is going on, Giles. We both know she needs you."  
  
"She needs me too much. She relies on me to take care of things for her like her mother used to. As long as I'm here, she won't take care of things for herself; she won't grow up. She has to learn that she doesn't need me to take care of her."  
  
"Giles, she just got back and I can't blame her for taking some time to deal. She needs help to get through this; she doesn't need to get extra stuff thrown on her. I've been here for two days and I can see that."  
  
"I'm not worried about Buffy. I'm quite sure that you can handle anything that comes her way. I've no doubt you belong here. I don't know what's coming at us next, but I trust that you'll be here to face it, and that's why I know I can leave without hurting Buffy."  
  
"You don't even know who I am yet, and you're willing to trust me to take care of everything? Not that I don't appreciate your confidence in me, but if you know something.... That's it, isn't it?" He was silent and had his body turned away from me, but something in his body language told me there was something important he wasn't telling me.  
  
"What do you know Giles?" He seemed very reluctant to answer me, but after glancing at me and then back to the ground he started to explain.  
  
"There is a prophesy I read once, back when I was with the council. It spoke of he who would stand beside the slayer and protect her. It described a warrior, a knight, surrounded by darkness before connecting with the slayer and that only together could they beat back the darkness that would consume the entire world. I researched that prophesy as deeply as I could, trying to correlate it with any others I could find. Could you imagine? If there was someone who could stand beside the slayer, she might live longer than the others." He paused, shook his head, and then took back off his glasses to clean them before continuing, "I once thought that person was Angel. He, however, seemed to cause more harm than good in the Slayer's life. I could never fully believe that he was the one meant to stand beside her. And now I think I know why." He walked a slow turn around the training room as he spoke and I countered his moves with my own, unsure of what was coming next, until I was standing next to the straw dummy and he was standing at the wall near the door. Without perceivable motion, and only a flash of mental warning, he threw a knife from his sleeve directly at my head. I had less than a half second to twitch out of the way and grab the knife by the handle. I looked at the knife in my hand, idly wondering if I should throw it back, and then my gaze went back up to his face and the pride there.  
  
"And what was that for?"  
  
"To prove that you are the one that can help Buffy. You are the one that understands what she stands for. You are the one that can protect her far better than I can against any danger you may face. And you are the reason that lets me know I can leave her and she'll still be safe."  
  
"That throw didn't prove all that, there are a lot more people out there who could do what I just did."  
  
"It wasn't what you did; it was how you did it. You didn't just move and catch a knife, you breathed, you relaxed, and you carefully reacted. You didn't have to guess at where it was, you saw it, and you knew exactly where it was going. There are maybe three people in the world that can do what you just did. Buffy can do it, but she can't see it coming in time to either react without guessing or to properly catch the damn thing." He seemed almost exasperated over that fact. I understood, I guess; he was the one that was supposed to teach her how.  
  
"What else do you know about me? If indeed that man in the prophesy is me, that is."  
  
"Look, you don't have to take my word for it; you also come highly recommended from an associate of mine. You made an impression on Wesley too, you know. He's convinced as well that you are the subject of that prophesy and another one he's currently working on, if I'm not mistaken." I opened my mouth to ask him not to tell Buffy that was why I was here, but he cut me off.  
  
"I'm not going to tell Buffy anything, I just want you to believe before I go. Look at how you came to be here. Look at how quickly you and Buffy have gotten along together. Just wait and see. If I'm wrong, and I hope I'm not wrong, I'm sure that you as a person can help even if you as a champion cannot." I realized we weren't even speaking as though he might go anymore; in his mind it was already done and he was trying to make me feel better about him going. It was time for me to make him feel comfortable about leaving things here as he thought they should be.  
  
"I understand you feel you have to go. I can't stop you, even though I disagree with it. Whether I am the champion you think I am or not, I don't think I'm worthy of either her or of being that fictional character in the prophesy; but I want you to know that no matter what happens, I will protect Buffy in whatever way I can. I can promise you that" I started walking toward the door but stopped when I got close to him and extended my hand to shake. He looked at it as though it was a snake before finally reaching out to grab my hand with his. A dozen visions of failure, conjured by his own mind, raced through my head. I let go of his hand and nodded as I left the room. He did what he thought was right, as do we all. I relished in the feelings he had for Buffy and the vain part of my soul recognized one more thing I enjoyed: he truly believed in me. I knew now that I couldn't let him down. I handed him the knife back and closed the door behind me.  
  
Buffy and I left after saying goodbye to Anya. She looked almost disappointed to see us go before I realized it was probably because I hadn't bought anything. We walked together to an outdoor restaurant for some lunch and something told me a serious conversation was to follow.  
  
"I think we need to talk." I knew it.  
  
"Okay. What do we need to talk about?"  
  
"Well, I just wanted to thank you for being there for me yesterday and I know we talked about waiting to see how I felt today about... what happened."  
  
"Before you keep going, I need to tell you a few things."  
  
"I hate it when that happens. What evil secrets about your past are you going to tell me now?"  
  
"Actually it's about Giles."  
  
"Giles?" I nodded. "What about him?"  
  
"He's leaving tonight instead of Monday." She looked puzzled at first and then confused. If you can't tell the difference, you definitely need to learn.  
  
"I know."  
  
"You do?"  
  
"Yeah, he told me before we left."  
  
"Oh... he didn't say anything... okay then. There is just one more thing, though. And I'd like to get it out there before you tell me what you decided about... us." She nodded quietly and the look on her face was pensive at best. "You don't need to decide now. Whatever happens and however I am in your life, I will help you in any way you need, regardless of what you and I call each other. I know full well I can't protect you, but I can try." She was quiet for a second and her eyes got brighter as she put her hand on my arm. I only wished I felt it as much as I wanted her to believe it.  
  
"I know. But I don't want to... to use you like that whenever I need support and then turn around the next day and demote you back to being just somewhere in the background of my life. I saw what you did, who you were, when we had no memory. I saw how you took charge and how you kept people alive. I saw how you helped me when I lost my way last night and just wanted to feel something. I wanted to forget the bad, but you reminded me about the good connections there actually can be between people." I was still lost as to what our relationship was, but the way she was looking at me meant it didn't matter.  
  
"I've lost people before who said they would be there for me. They went away or they had to go help other people or get away from me or they... died." I put my hand on top of her hand resting on my forearm and her grip tightened. Her eyes were cloudy as she continued, "The only people I know I can count on are Willow, Xander, and Giles. Now Giles is leaving, Willow's got her own problems, and Xander is getting married. Everyone else is just off in their own world. It's like they brought me back to fix their problems and just assumed that I would be just fine, that everything would be fine, once I got here. I don't think anyone else even saw that I needed something besides pizza and some sleep to be okay here. I want you to be with me. I don't know what I'll need next week, or tomorrow, or tonight for that matter; but something tells me it's gonna be okay now. Thank you."  
  
Then she was in my arms, hugging me tightly. Some part of me knew that what we were was still firmly inside the gray area, but it was a very small part and the rest of me was too distracted to notice it very much. I marveled at no matter how hard she squeezed me; she was still so small and needy in my arms. I wrapped my arms around her protectively until her body stopped its very slight shaking and she pulled back slightly to wipe nonexistent tears from her eyes. I smiled gently at her, with no trace of accusation. I didn't want her to feel weakened by crying in front of me, even just a little. She sniffed and looked at me in anticipation. I slowly leaned forward, her hands in mine; her eyes closed slowly, and met her lips gently with mine. Leaning back slightly, I tucked a stray strand of hair back into place behind her ear and traced the line of her cheek and along her jaw.  
  
"C'mon, babe, let's get out of here." We walked and talked our way down to the park. She seemed to want to listen more than speak, so I started filling in with stories from my time in the army, the year I did with the NSA and the freelance bounty hunter kind of work I did after that but before I'd met her the first time. She asked me questions about my high school and I had to think back a ways to old martial arts tournaments and junior shooting competitions.  
  
"No, I want to hear about your school. What were your classes like? Did you have anybody disappear? Was one of your teachers a man eating insect or a techno-Wicca?"  
  
"Nope, nothing quite like that, I'm sorry to say."  
  
"I'm gonna win." She had a very charming smug smile.  
  
I had to think back a good ten years to my old home town and things I hadn't thought about for a long time. Gradually the stories came about football games and cheerleaders. She laughed at all the funny parts and aww'd at all the touching parts. Slowly she started telling stories from her high school and some of the odd things that happened there. It seemed to me like, after looking back from the real world, high school didn't seem quite as bad as it did when I was actually there. We found an isolated part of the park and sat down in the shade of a tree to talk the rest of the afternoon away. Finally I shifted her weight slightly more onto my chest to look at my watch. The sun finished setting and with a glance at her face we rose as one to begin walking our way to the cemetery. We walked through just a few of the many cemeteries sunny-dale had to offer before arriving at her front door. Here was another thing I wanted to make clear before we made a habit of it.  
  
"You know, I can go get a hotel room. You don't have to put me up here until I find a more permanent place." She got what I would later learn was her assertive face on and spoke with conviction.  
  
"You will stay with me as long as you are protecting me. It's stupid for you to waste money on a hotel room when you can stay here for free. Besides... you never know when I might need some middle of the night protecting." She still seemed to think the idea of me protecting her was a little silly, and I was in full agreement, but the kiss she gave me to silence any comeback I might have was effective to say the least.  
  
"Okay, okay. I can take a hint. But I do need to go pick up my car from where I parked it yesterday." She turned around from where she was heading up the steps to her house with mild surprise on her face.  
  
"You have a car? Where was I when you had a car?" I think she was amused.  
  
"I parked it at a friend's house yesterday. I never really needed a car when I was here before, so didn't think about it today. I'm just gonna go get it and I'll be right back, I promise." She nodded and looked thoughtful as she turned and went into the house. I took a direct route to my car, and looked it over in appreciation. It was still new enough to warrant some awe. I got in and started her up and the gentle purr started on the first turn over. I went as quickly as possible back to Buffy's house. I pulled into her driveway and shut off the engine. Standing at the door, I wasn't sure if I should knock or go right in. I stood there for a second before finally knocking on the solid wooden door. She answered it quickly, probably standing in the living room, before she told me that we had to go and to hold on while she gets her coat, and that's Amy by the way. She was gone up the stairs before I could question her so I came in to nod politely at the girl sitting on the couch eating cookies.  
  
"You're one of Buffy's friends?" I nodded again, feeling kind of stupid for doing it. Time to say something,  
  
"How long have you known Buffy?"  
  
"I went to high school with her. I've been gone a while now, though."  
  
"Oh yeah? Where've you been?"  
  
"Rat." She seemed serious in a satirical kind of way. I decided to go with it.  
  
"Wow, how'd that work out for you?"  
  
"Not too well, actually; I missed prom and the guy I wanted to bring me is dead... and gay. Everything's different: did you know that Willow's dating girls? And what's up with people getting frozen?" At this point I was kind of worried about this girl and it was a godsend to see Buffy come down the stairs.  
  
"Let's go. Bye Amy, see you later." Then she was out the door. I turned back to Amy and told her it was nice to meet her before I headed out myself, closing the door behind me. She was already closing her car door as I came outside. I got in and started the car before closing my door and turning to Buffy to ask where we were going.  
  
"The museum; somebody's been frozen." I guess that Amy girl hadn't been too off her rocker, then. Oh well. We were well on our way when I turned my head and asked her what the deal with Amy was.  
  
"Well, Amy's a witch. Back in high school there was this mob that was under the influence of a demon and they tried to burn all three of us, Willow, Amy and me, at these stakes they had surrounded by books. Anyway, Amy turned herself into a rat to escape and Willow hasn't been able to turn her back."  
  
"I see. So she what, missed out on high school too? What's she going to do now? Does she have any family here?"  
  
"Her dad I think is still around somewhere. Her mom disappeared back when I first started going to school here. Her mom was a witch too and she actually took over Amy's body and arranged these accidents to get onto the cheerleading squad to relive her good old high school days. That was weird. Anyway she hasn't been seen since."  
  
"Wow, you really did have excitement in your high school. You were right, you win." Her smug smile returned and then we were there. I had to park a little ways down the street away from the crowd gathered around the entrance to the museum. We made our way through the crowd to the front just in time to see the frozen security guard getting wheeled out by emergency medical workers. We pulled back out through the crowd when I saw someone I recognized.  
  
"I'm gonna go talk with that cop over there and see what I can find out about what happened here."  
  
"Okay, I'll go check out the rest of the building and check for something the cops might have overlooked." I nodded and headed over to call out to max. We shook hands and started on the pleasantries before I asked him what happened. He didn't really want to tell me anything about what he was hiding. I tried asking him in different ways and acted like I knew there was something else going on. He talked freely about the guard himself getting frozen, but nothing else about it. I thanked him and wished his wife well before I turned to look after where Buffy had gone. I was surprised to see her hit spike and even more surprised to see him hit her back, knocking her to the ground. I waited for the pain to hit him, but he seemed confused at first before grabbing his hand to his head and bending partially over. What the hell? Buffy got herself back up and back handed him knocking him onto his back. I saw her say something to him and then turn and walk away. I hurried to catch up to her, meeting her at the car.  
  
"Are you okay?" She seemed kind of bad moody, but she nodded as she waited for me to unlock the car door for her. I closed it behind her before heading over to my side only to find her reaching across to unlock it for me. We pulled out as I started talking about what I'd found out from Max. Not a lot, to be certain, but I told her I was sure he was hiding something; I just couldn't figure out what it was. We were quiet again for a few minutes before I finally decided to ask her what happened with spike.  
  
"Saw that, did you?" I didn't say anything, just waited and listened, "Look, last week there was this demon that got summoned and he pulled this song and dance magic that made you sing what you really felt no matter what." She was quiet for a second and I realized she was looking at me.  
  
"So there couldn't be any secrets." I said and it seemed to be enough as she went on with her story.  
  
"After it was all over and I had to sing out how I was in heaven instead of in the hell they thought they'd rescued me from, Spike saved me from combusting myself from the self destructive dance thing I was doing. I don't know what happened. I-"She was starting to get emotional. Whatever happened between them, she didn't feel too good about it.  
  
"You don't have to go into this now; you can wait until you want to tell me about it." She nodded and then her resolved face came on in full effect.  
  
"No, I really want you to know about this. At the end of the whole spell thing, after Spike stopped me from dancing and combusting, we... kissed." She paused for a second and I could feel her intent gaze as she watched for my reaction. "I'm not even sure why it happened. I guess I just got so caught up in what was going on, and having to tell my friends about the whole heaven thing and I just wanted to feel something. I don't even know why I kissed him except that he's been the only one really there for me sometimes. At times it's like he's been there before and he almost knows what I'm going through but at others he's just Spike being... well, Spike. You know what I mean?"  
  
"I understand. You had to tell your friends something that was obviously very hard for you to say after they thought they were saving you. It's completely understandable that you felt the urge to reach out to someone, and it's certainly not any of my business for me to judge if there's anything wrong with what you did or who you did it with."  
  
"What do you mean it's none of your business? Don't you care about anything I just told you? I mean, I kissed Spike! I can't believe that doesn't mean anything to you. Why am I the one who is disgusted with this and you don't even care? This is a big deal for me."  
  
"I get that." Wow. I was a little taken aback and a little bit defensive now. I think now, looking back, that she wanted me to see this as a big bad issue; that I should condemn her for it so I could forgive her later. I didn't see that at the time, though, and proceeded to push my foot further into my mouth.  
  
"It's not that big of a deal. No matter what you did in the past, it's in the past. I will never hold it against you who you chose or choose to be with, it's not my place."  
  
"It's not your place? I'm sorry, so what have we been doing the past two days? The walk in the park, spending the night together, what was that? Do you do that with every girl you meet? Do I mean nothing to you? God, how stupid am I? What am I doing?" I looked at her in shock. I had no idea how I'd gotten myself dug in so deep, but I was stopping this now. I locked my gaze with her furious one as I pulled the car over. As the car came to a complete stop, I shifted into neutral and put the parking break on before turning in my seat to look directly at her. Throughout this process she kept going from looking at me to out the front window and she had her arms crossed the entire time. I waited silently for a moment and began preparing my mental suggestion and started emanating soothing vibes. Finally she met my eyes before I continued with what I had to say, what I had to make her understand. I took her hand, which she let me have reluctantly, and I held it protectively in both of mine. Keeping my eyes on hers I started talking and her eyes grew wide as I spoke.  
  
"You... are not stupid. You are a wonderful and strong person. I would do anything you asked of me, no matter what it was. I will always be here for you through whatever comes our way, and I will never tell you that you are not worthy; I just can't do it. I am here to help. I may not be able to save the world single handedly, or die twice and still make it work or save people nightly, but I can be here for you when you need me to be. Now I don't care about who you were with before no matter how long ago or how serious, be that vampire, human, or demon, but I don't need to. I only care about you." I pulled her in close to me and she let me put my arms around her cautiously. "You don't have to cry, you don't have to fight alone, and you don't have to answer to me. I'll be here no matter what. I am not your Judge, I'm your backup." We sat there for a few moments as the radio in the background softly played. Eventually she pulled back and looked at me softly.  
  
"I'm sorr-"I cut her off.  
  
"Don't apologize. You haven't done anything to me you need to be sorry for. Now don't worry about it, we'll just get something to eat and go home. Sound okay to you?" She nodded and kept hold of my left hand as I shifted with my right and pulled back onto the road. She was stable very shortly, but we held hands all the way back to her house, stopping for chicken on the way. We were about a block from her house before she turned said anything else.  
  
"By the way, I almost forgot, but Amy's staying over tonight." Okay, now what?  
  
"No problem, I can still go get a hotel room somewhere."  
  
"Don't worry about it; you're staying with me." I shut my mouth, now was not the time for me to argue with her again. We parked and got out to head inside. I opened the door for her and followed her in. I went downstairs to grab the sheets from on top of the dryer to make up the couch. I thought I was doing it for me, until Buffy and Amy came back down the stairs and Buffy thanked me for making it up for Amy. I nodded at Amy as I followed Buffy's beckoning gesture into the kitchen.  
  
"What's up?"  
  
"Well, I thought I'd give Amy the couch because she just found out about willow and putting them together might... you know." I nodded. We didn't want to make Amy think willow brought her back to put the moves on her. I could dig that.  
  
"So what do I do?"  
  
"Hmm, come with me." I followed her up the stairs as we went first to the linen closet to get fresh sheets and then into her room where I piled the sheets on the floor and laid down, she went to check on Dawn and Willow before coming in and climbing into her bed. I wanted to wait for the signs of steady breathing that would tell me she was asleep. I waited for almost half an hour of her tossing and turning before she sat up in bed. I pretended to be asleep as she peeked over the side of her bed and then rolled quietly onto the floor to first lie down next to me and then tug my arm up and around her. I murmured something as I pulled her in close to me and rolled against her back. She was dreaming peacefully as I closed my eyes and, with the half grin of complacency on my face declaring me one of the happiest men on earth, I followed her into sleep. 


	9. Broken

A/N: sorry for the kind of short chapter, but anything else would be just filler and I had to keep away from the smut before the spuffy-ites decide to kill me. Hope you enjoy and please review.  
  
Disclaimer: I keep telling these people that I don't own anything, especially not the lines from Smashed. And Jake? He owns himself. Thanks.  
  
CHP 8 Not smashed, but broken.  
  
I woke up first that morning, with the Slayer still snoozing peacefully curled against me. I stroked her hair softly, trying not to wake her. She slowly opened one eye and looked at me before she smiled. We followed almost exactly the same routine from the previous morning, me folding the sheets while she checked in on Willow, Dawn and Amy and then took her turn in the bathroom. She opened the bathroom door; the sweet vanilla smell permeated the air as steam from her shower billowing out, just as I reached the top of the stairs. I smiled at her as I ducked past her into her bedroom to grab my bag and she followed me in, waiting until I left to close the door behind me. I got in and out of the shower quickly and was waiting for her downstairs. Dawn raised her eyebrows at me but continued eating her cereal as I came in and she nodded at my good morning. I found a banana and poured a glass of juice so I could be ready to hand it over to Buffy as she came in a few seconds later.  
  
"So when did you get here?" Buffy and I both looked at her sister at the same time, but Buffy answered for me.  
  
"What are you doing today, Dawnie?"  
  
"Oh, I'm going to meet Tara for our big movie and milkshake fun-day. What are you guys doing?"  
  
"Well, we've got that frozen guy from the museum last night we have to find out what did that to him. The Scoobies are meeting at the Magic Box this afternoon." I looked at my watch, realizing it was eleven o'clock, as Willow came in, looking not too badly for her breakup, and went to the fridge. She didn't even bat an eye when she saw me, but I heard her psychic message to me clearly while she wore what I would learn to be her mischievous face, 'Good morning and I hope you both got a lot of rest last night.' I nodded at her, but she didn't send me anything else. Willow grabbed an apple before heading back up the stairs. Shortly Buffy and I left, quietly so as not to wake up the still sleeping Amy. We got in the car and I took her to lunch, before driving to the Magic Box.  
  
Once we arrived, I took a spot in the background as the scoobies greeted each other. I nodded at Xander, but he looked at me guardedly as he nodded back. I really didn't think he liked me. We waited for Willow before really getting started with the research. Xander had brought some newspapers that we started going through looking for stories about the museum guy. Willow found the first article and Xander continued reading about how everything in the dude's system just slowed down and he was still in a coma. I pulled a book off the shelf next to me and started going through it as Willow pulled out her laptop. I watched as Buffy started saying how great it was to see her go back to the basics, but then change her mind once she saw willow using magic to look through the internal police records.  
  
I didn't know what the big deal was for a witch to use magic, so I kept my mouth shut and watched as Xander feigned a yawn and claimed to be tired while claiming that what Willow was doing was tiring as well. Willow seemed to get defensive as she asked what the deal was. I gained admiration for Anya as she threw what she thought right out in front of everyone. Willow was defending herself to her friends, but I was reading about something that caught my attention. After they quieted down, the whole group kept reading, first finishing the newspapers before moving into the books, looking for any clues about either demons or the diamond. Willow was the first to leave, heading right home from what she said, but it wasn't long before I got a phone call saying she was going out with Amy. It was dark outside by the time Xander finally came upon a lead. Unfortunately it was a lead in a D&D manual. How frustrating was this? Anya further clarified that there was no such thing as what we were looking for and proclaimed our search hopeless. I stayed quiet as the friends put themselves down.  
  
"We need new brains. What's up with Willow?" I looked at Buffy, letting her answer for me.  
  
"Out with Amy, I guess."  
  
"Oh great, someone to do more magic with." Anya threw her two cents in easily.  
  
"But at least she's not all cooped up and crying. That's forward momentum. I know that I don't know everything that happened with her and Tara but it's-"  
  
"Tara thinks Willow's doing too much magic; she's not the only one." Xander seemed sincere in his criticism of his friend. So that's what happened. I understood now why Tara left after what I now guessed was Willow's spell gone wrong.  
  
"I know, but I think she'll be fine. I mean, its willow, she of the level head."  
  
I stopped listening to the conversation between the rest of the scoobies as I got caught up in the text I was reading. I looked at the cover to verify it was one of the watcher diaries. It looked like Giles wasn't the first watcher to read the prophesy that was haunting me and see if it could be enacted to help his Slayer. I was absorbed by the text on how many different people this watcher had researched, including Angel, and even of the Seer he'd paid to search for the man it mentioned. All was to no avail, as his Slayer was shortly killed. I was pulled out of my reverie by the phone ringing and Buffy got up to answer it.  
  
"Hello, Magic Box." Then she glanced at me and lowered her voice as she looked puzzled and continued to talk.  
  
"Spike?" was all I heard for a bit and then,  
  
"You have a lead on this frost monster thingy?" She listened for a bit longer before hanging up without saying goodbye.  
  
"So, what did captain peroxide want?" Xander asked what was really on my mind. I checked myself to make sure I wasn't broadcasting. How could a single mention of spike get me so fired up?  
  
"Nothing." It wasn't long before the Slayer called a halt to our research craze and she asked me if I wanted to patrol. After saying goodnight to Xander and Anya we went our separate ways. Our path took us downtown and towards some alleys while I tried to find a way to lead into the topic I wanted to talk with her about.  
  
"I think you should watch out for Spike." Okay, so I couldn't really find a way to lead it in.  
  
"Spike? He's harmless. Unless this is some sort of over protecty boyfriend kind of thing here, 'cause then that could be kinda sweet." Boyfriend? Did she just say boyfriend? I brought myself back to the subject at hand just as Spike made an unexpected entrance.  
  
"Speak of the devil." I said as I nodded a greeting at spike and then walked a short distance away to answer my vibrating phone.  
  
"You never showed, slayer."  
  
"My night is now complete." I started talking to Tara as I vaguely heard Buffy ask Spike to get out of her way and get out of here. I thanked Tara and hung up with her just in time to see Buffy knock spike a good one. Spike waited for a second before backhanding her with his left, turning the Slayer around. Just as I suspected, Spike's chip had a short or something; no pain.  
  
"Oh the pain. The pain... is gone." I started forward to help Buffy, but she put up her hand and I stopped.  
  
"How?" She seemed still to be shocked by this development.  
  
"Don't you get it? Don't you see? You came back wrong." I couldn't believe what he was saying. Surely she didn't believe that crap. She took a few steps forward and knocked him back a few steps with a right. He actually seemed to laughing a little as she continued to beat him back. Until, that is, he blocked one of her backhand blows and knocked her into the fence.  
  
"It's a trick. You did something to the chip. It's a trick."  
  
"It's no trick. It's not me, it's you. Just you, in fact, that's the funny part." He hit her again, with a right, and kept talking  
  
"You're the one that's changed." He connected with a left. "That's why this doesn't hurt me." She blocked and pushed down his next intended blow.  
  
"Came back a little less human than you were."  
  
"You're wrong." The Slayer finally retorted and then kicked him across the alley.  
  
"Then how come you're so spooked love. And why can I –"He hit her with a left before he finished his sentence, "-do that?" Now Buffy started getting her Irish up. I gotta admit I felt a little sorry for Spike now. She asserted herself and punched him, knocking him back across the alley before grabbing him and hitting him again. As he got back up she pushed him through the closed door of the condemned warehouse. I took that as my cue and followed them into first the open hallway and then into a larger room as Buffy continued to beat Spike across this room as well and knocked him to the floor. He got up kinda slow, but laughing. And the wisecracks just kept on coming.  
  
"Poor little lost gurl." He'd jumped up and grabbed the chandelier to swing forward and kick Buffy with both feet. Now, I'm all for woman power and I'm all for a good fight between good and evil, but I'm not all about some guy trying to play with her head. I just couldn't stand by watching anymore. I stepped in while he was still holding onto the crystal light fixture and hit him with a solid left to the chest, knocking him to the floor and sliding him a few feet before he rolled over to stand up. I ran forward and kicked him, sending him sliding more than a few feet before I moved to his side and caught his lapels in both hands, lifting him up to hit him again, but kept a hold of him and bringing him all the way to his feet.  
  
"You don't hit her." I didn't realize how pissed off I was until I said that. I hit him a few more times before he finally tried to swing on me and fell back in pain as his chip activated. So, it was true. I heard Buffy's intake of breath behind me as realization hit her much harder than Spike had. I held back and let him get up on his own. He looked at me with hate in his eyes, but made no move against me. Finally he spoke but it wasn't me he addressed.  
  
"I'll deal with you later, pet. Super boy here can't be around you all the bloody time." He started walking out the door, and I moved to keep myself between him and Buffy. It wasn't that I didn't think she could kill him if she truly wanted to. I was more afraid that she wouldn't. He stopped right at the doorway and turned to face me.  
  
"Watch out for her, mate." I wasn't sure if his words were meant as a warning or a request, but I had other things I needed to take care of right now. I turned to see Buffy standing with her arms crossed, as if she was hugging herself. When she looked at me it seemed as if she was still processing what had just happened; like she just couldn't believe it. I was at a loss myself, but I couldn't let her see that. Her voice was quiet as she asked me a question I knew the answer to, but lacked the evidence to prove.  
  
"I'm still human... aren't I?" This just wouldn't do. I met her gaze without flinching as she asked more questions while growing increasingly loud.  
  
"Am I still human? Am I really supposed to be here? What's happened to me?"  
  
"I don't know what has happened to you, but I do know that you are still you."  
  
"What if I did come back wrong? If I didn't come back wrong why did I think those things?" Not knowing what she thought was working against me here, but I had to make her listen to me. She turned and knocked a chunk out of the pillar beside her and then stared down at her fist and the blood starting to drip from it.  
  
"You are still you, Buffy. Really, you are." She seemed close to tears as I finally got close enough to her to grab her to me.  
  
"Am I? How do you know that?" I pulled her in close and met her lips with mine and let the passion behind our kiss grow before breaking it and locking her gaze with mine. I had to make her believe.  
  
"Because it takes a real human, a real woman, to make me feel the way you do. Not an hour goes by that I don't get amazed by what you do as a human, let alone as the Slayer. Nothing about you is average, true, but you are one hundred percent real woman. Nothing else but a real woman could do the things you do to me." Due to our close proximity and physical contact, I got a flash of thought from her right before her mouth met mine in a very needy way and she backed me across the room, shoving me up against a pillar. The flash said 'prove to me that I'm real' and even if I wanted to I couldn't argue with her. Her passion sparked a strong response from me as we continued to kiss, bodies pressed close. Her force pushing against me into the pillar was very strong, but she allowed me to push back against her and move her up against the far pillar. That pillar creaked and then cracked against our combined weight hitting it, but our lips were locked and locked they stayed.  
  
I was only vaguely aware of other parts of the room starting to fall down as she turned us around and shoved me back up against he pillar, picking her legs up to wrap around me. My left hand went to her butt as my right found the hem of her skirt and drew it up, her hand going to my zipper. I couldn't hear a thing, couldn't feel anything but her, even as we turned again and fell through the floor together. She kept moving against me as the chandelier above me fell and shattered on the edge of the hole above us with a few shards of sharp crystal falling down upon us. I caught the one aimed for the back of her head as another slid its way down my brow and digging into my cheek before a shake of my head kicked it and a few drops of blood away from where we continued our steady motion. All else but her fades away.  
  
A/N: More to come including my next plot twist. Please review. 


	10. Not quite wrecked

A/N" Thanks for the reviews, I could get used to those. And big thanks to Catlimere for a beta.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing, as usual. Joss owns most and Jake owns himself.  
  
CHP 10 not wrecked.  
  
Buffy sat up with a start and I blinked as light penetrated my tired eyes. She reflexively grabbed my jacket around her and I looked around to see a pile of rubble, a hole in the ceiling above me, and both of us naked. She stood up and looked around alarmed before she turned back to me.  
  
"When did the building fall down?"  
  
"I don't know. Must have been sometime between the first time and... I don't know." I found myself not wanting to talk about what had just happened. She looked around through the rubble for her clothes and put them on one piece at a time. We were quiet as we looked at each other. She moved past me to get her other boot and I grabbed her hand, pulling her back down to me.  
  
"What's your hurry?" I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close. She tolerated it for a second, and I thought she enjoyed my lips on her neck. She pulled away and her face was serious.  
  
"The hurry is that I left Dawn alone all night."  
  
"Wait a sec, babe, she's a big girl. I'm sure she'll be fine for one night." She seemed distracted by my hands on her body and my lips on hers before she pulled back again.  
  
"We have to go; I can't leave her alone like that." She got up and found the rest of her clothes as I reluctantly got dressed. It wasn't until I pulled the shirt over my head that I realized my face had been cut. I tried to feel the extent of the damage with my fingers, but I couldn't tell how bad it was. It couldn't have been too bad, because it wasn't bleeding too badly until I started messing with it. I put my jacket on from where she'd left in after she realized she was safe. She caught me playing with my cut and grinned at me, as I realized her own face was bruising from where she'd fought with Spike. I grinned ruefully as I shook my head and surveyed the scene once more before we walked out into the light. We walked the short distance back to the Magic Box and my car, where I pulled out my first aid kit and cleaned up the cut on her hand from when she'd hit the pillar. Then I started cleaning up my face with the mirror, but she caught my hand and carefully wiped away the dirt and crusted blood. Her eyes were thoughtful as her amazingly strong hands became soft and gentle. I winced once as she probed the part of the cut on my cheek, it cut a little deeply into the soft tissue of my face, but wasn't serious enough to warrant stitches. I think she noticed the glimmer in my eye and asked me what I was thinking.  
  
"I was just picturing what would happen when someone asked me to tell the story behind the scar I'm about to have." Her answering smile was well worth the pain she was trying not to cause me. Shortly my wound was cleaned and I started up the car to drive us back to her house. We pulled up and she turned to me before I opened the car door.  
  
"Do you think we could just... I mean. Could we not... talk about what happened last night?" I held back a sigh. I could wait until she was ready to tell her friends. I nodded and at her relieved look opened my door and led the way to open the front door for her. She led the way into the kitchen where we passed Tara. I nodded at her politely, but she seemed not to notice me as she walked right by. In the kitchen we found Willow, Amy and Dawn, with the last still in the same clothes from yesterday. Judging by how tired the other two looked, I wouldn't be surprised if they'd stayed out all night themselves. I stayed standing in the hallway behind her as she walked all the way in.  
  
"Buffy, where were you? Are you okay?" Worry permeated Dawn's voice.  
  
"I'm fine." Buffy was quiet and reserved in her response. Dawn wasn't letting it go that easily.  
  
"You're not; you're all sore and limpy."  
  
"I'm not sore." I walked in to see her wince as she sat down. "I just had a fight; all nighter kind." I drew looks from the others in the room and I met each gaze in turn, looking at Dawn last.  
  
"What about you, are you okay?" I fingered the butterfly bandages on my face, but nodded and quietly answered her.  
  
"I'm fine. It was quite a... fight." I didn't look at Buffy as my hand found her shoulder to let her know I had her back.  
  
"I figured. I knew that's why you didn't call. So what's the big bad?" Buffy threw out a general reassurance and then she changed the subject as quickly as possible.  
  
"So Tara was here?" Willow answered her, but I only caught part of what she said. I was paying attention to the burning smell but Buffy was listening and responded.  
  
"You guess? Where were you?"  
  
"We went out, kinda' lost track of time." I was trying to track down the smell by opening the back door and looking outside. I finally looked over at the stove as dawn mentioned her pancakes were burning. Willow took the steps to shut it off and turn on the exhaust vent.  
  
"Tara was making them."  
  
"I've... I've gotta get some sleep" Willow seemed very drained.  
  
"Me too." Buffy chimed in, standing up. My eyes were on her carefully moving her body fully upright, as Amy announced she should go home to see her dad. A quick glance at the calendar on the wall told me today was a school holiday. Okay, so I wouldn't have to get Dawn off to school. Buffy was checking to see if Dawn was really alright again before she turned and headed upstairs. Willow turned toward me and asked if I was okay too? I nodded and she turned and followed in the same direction as Buffy. Dawn turned and looked at me as I found a glass for juice before she began asking me questions.  
  
"So what's up with you and my sister?"  
  
"I'm not sure." I wanted to keep to the truth as much as I could.  
  
"You sure have been spending a lot of time with her lately." I only got here two days ago.  
  
"She is an amazing person. She deserves as much support as I can give her."  
  
"She needs support? She's the Slayer; saver of the world and stuff." Huh, looks like Buffy was right about that too.  
  
"Everyone needs support sometimes, Dawn. Nobody can do everything by themselves." I sipped my juice for a second while she posed her next question.  
  
"So you guys were in a pretty big fight last night, huh?" I nodded and she came closer to me. "Is that cut deep?" She reached out a hand, as if she wanted to touch it, but I stopped her.  
  
"Not too deep, but it's enough to hurt. Buffy cleaned it up for me, and it'll be okay." She pulled back, but still looked curious. I glanced at my watch and realized I was awake for the day at 9 o'clock so, finishing my juice and moving to the pan and the bowl of batter by the stove, I asked Dawn what she wanted to do today.  
  
"Really? You're staying awake?" I dumped out the burnt pancake and cleaned the pan a little before spraying it down lightly and starting on some serious cooking; serious for me that is. I was admiring the batter as I talked with Dawn over my shoulder.  
  
"It's too late for me to go back to sleep. I do need a shower before we head out, but wherever you want to go is okay with me."  
  
"Really? Wherever I want to go?" That actually sounded kind of scary, when she said it. I had a lot to learn. I'd opened my mouth and now it was time to put my money where my mouth was. Literally, I was to discover, as she wanted to go to the mall. I flipped both the browning pancakes at the same time with a flick of the pan, as Dawn was telling me that she would need a shower herself before we could go.  
  
"We've got plenty of time, all day in fact."  
  
"That's cool." I set out those two on a plate for her and poured two for myself into the pan before going to the fridge to pull out syrups for her and asking if she wanted butter or jam or something. She told me she didn't as she moved past me to get her glass of juice from the counter. I poured myself a glass of water this time before going back to the pan and flipping my pancakes. I turned and leaned back against the counter to watch her eat.  
  
"You're sixteen, right?" I knew she was fifteen, but I wanted to make conversation and playing up to her would induce more topics than silence. It worked; she smiled as she shook her head and swallowed her bite.  
  
"Not yet, but almost."  
  
"Cool. I think I had some of the best fun in my life when I was your age." She smiled again. I got a plate for my pancakes and turned off the stove to sit down and eat. We were quiet until she finished up and headed up to shower and change. I finished up quickly before I cleaned up the kitchen, leaving a note on the fridge for Buffy in case I forgot to tell her, and then went outside to grab my bag from the car. I came back inside just in time to hear Dawn get out of the bathroom and close the door to her bedroom. I headed upstairs to peak in on Buffy sleeping in her bed before ducking into the bathroom myself. I carefully peeled the butterfly bandages off of my face, I'd replace them afterwards, before stripping off my dirty clothes and carefully washing the blood dust and sweat off my body. I grabbed clean clothes out of my bag and shaved down the two days worth of stubble on my chin.  
  
I put all my dirty clothes together on the top of my bag and headed down to the basement where I started a load of my wash and then headed back up to the living room to grab the sheets from the couch to add to the mix. I went back upstairs then to the living room where Dawn was waiting for me and I nodded that I was ready as I grabbed my bag from beside the sofa and we headed out to my car. She admired my blue beauty as I started her up and Dawn's eyes lit up at the throaty purr of the mighty engine. We took off and I only had to ask for directions twice before we found the mall she liked. I had counted on spending most of the day and quite a bit of money there shopping with a teenager, but I was at a loss to describe the next four hours, not counting lunch. We didn't go into every store, of course, but we did find quite a few things that she liked and one or two that I could buy for her that wouldn't make me seem like I was trying to buy her favor with gifts. Then over a lunch of hamburgers and ice cream I made a request of her that I hoped I wouldn't regret.  
  
"Dawn, I have a bit of a favor to ask."  
  
"Oh yeah? What's up?"  
  
"Well, I don't really move around too much with the intent to stay in one place for too long, and I don't really have the clothes to impress, well, girls. I guess what I'm asking is –"She cut me off  
  
"You want me to pick out a few outfits for you so you can impress my sister?"  
  
"Well, I... I mean, not outfits really, just a few shirts and maybe a new pair of pants or two."  
  
"And some shoes?" I looked down at my Doc Marten steel toe half boots.  
  
"What's wrong with my shoes? I like these shoes."  
  
"Fine, no shoes. But yes I accept. Lets go." She swallowed her ice cream so quickly I was surprised she didn't get brain freeze before she grabbed my arm and dragged me off to a posh men's store. She convinced me to try a few different colors and some definitely nicer styles than I was used to. I trusted her fashion sense, but I had two factors I wanted her to consider. Firstly, I had to be able to move in these clothes, and second I did not want to suddenly look like the cover of GQ. She pouted at the last stipulation, but then moved us on to other stores that seemed to feel more like me than the others had. Almost three hours later and I had a much enlarged wardrobe. We stored my six bags and Dawn's three in the trunk and then went on back to the house with Dawn chatting with me about things going on in her school, including who thought who was cute.  
  
We pulled up to her house as it was getting dark. I walked in with her to check for notes on the fridge. Willow was gone, but my clothes were now in the dryer and I said a silent thank you for that as I stuffed them into my backpack. I'd kept my other bags in the back of my car, and this would join them. I called the magic box to find Buffy and the Scoobies minus Willow there researching away. I was going to wait there with Dawn until they got back, but Willow came in and, while she seemed a little woozy, she said she was okay with Dawn. Myself being the newcomer to this group of friends, made me inclined to agree with her. I got into my car and headed over to the Magic Box just in time to see them coming out the front door.  
  
I offered a ride to Xander and Anya, but he indicated his car and waved to Buffy as she climbed in. She closed her door and leaned over to kiss my cheek as I asked how her day was. She was fine and her day was slow, but she was more interested in my day with Dawn. I told her some of the gossip from her school to give her an idea, and she nodded as though she understood. We went directly back to her house from the Magic Box, and I held the door open for her after she unlocked it. I heard some strange sounds from upstairs as Buffy checked the fridge. She came back with the note from Dawn about her and Willow. I read it quickly and nodded as I pulled out my pistol. Her eyes went wide as she saw it, but I motioned her to be quiet as we made our way up the stairs.  
  
I cleared each room we came to as quietly as we could, and then made finally made my way to willow's partially opened door. Opening the door the rest of the way, I saw no one and waved Buffy forward as I tucked my pistol away. She went in looking at the chaos of the room around her centered on a chest I assume held magical supplies. She crouched down and poked through it as I watched the door move on its own. Buffy heard its hinge creak also and turned to see me grab Amy by her shoulders and move her back into the bedroom. Amy's arms were full of herbs and such. I got out of the room as she grabbed Amy be the shoulders and shook her as she asked Amy questions. It finally came out that Willow might have Dawn downtown with this serious magic user guy, but the entrance to his place kept moving around and you had to be part of the big bad to find it. She let Amy finally go yak in the bathroom and Slayer face came on in full effect as she started past me down the stairs and I hurried to keep up.  
  
"Do you think you can find that place she was talking about?"  
  
"The way she said it, you have to be part of the dark-side, magic or demon or something. I might be able to find him, if I knew him. Or Willow and Dawn, but if they're inside his spell it'll mask them from me too. I think we need someone else on this." I hated to say it, and she knew exactly who I meant. I grabbed my coat on our way out and put it on as we got back in the car. She didn't say a word either then or as I drove over to the cemetery that had Spike's crypt in it. I went to get out of the car but she stopped me.  
  
"I think it's better if I go talk to him alone." She didn't elaborate and I trusted her, I guess, as I sat in silence on the back of my car. It was times like these, when I had nothing to do with my hands, that I wished I still smoked. Instead I turned inward, centered myself and locked myself down as who I was, before putting my walls down and opening myself to the world around me. I was looking for Dawn's aura specifically because I knew her better than Willow, but it was as I suspected and they were shielded by his spell. I didn't know that much about those kinds of spells and idly found myself wishing Willow was here. Of course if Willow was here, we wouldn't be looking for Willow now, would we. I didn't hear anything of what Buffy told Spike to get him to help her, but they came walking out of the cemetery together and he got in the back seat.  
  
I drove my way downtown and I tried to keep myself as open as possible to everyone I could at once, knowing I would pay for it later. Spike was smoking in the backseat and I almost would have asked him for one if I hadn't been purposefully distracting myself with being so open. The car was silent, with Spike making only directional comments and with even the radio off. Tension permeated the atmosphere in the car as everyone was either just uncomfortable with each other or at least worried for Dawn. Finally Spike made a comment to Buffy and then it was on. My headache grew worse exponentially the longer I kept myself open this way and I finally had to close myself down again. It was all I could do to drive, let alone try to pay attention to what those two were saying to each other. The only part I heard was Buffy telling Spike that she wanted him out of her life.  
  
They were so caught up in their own argument that I was the first to hear?... sense? I wasn't sure how it found its way into my head, but it was unmistakably Dawn's voice. I spun the car around in a 180 that got me moving again in the right direction and momentarily stunned my passengers into silence. Buffy was the first to ask, and she did ask the right question.  
  
"Do you sense her?"  
  
"I think so, but she's going in and out and it's hard to track. Keep your ears open. And Buffy, I think she's in danger; I heard her crying out in fear, but not pain I think." She nodded and thankfully they didn't speak to each other again for the rest of the ride. I got another flash that told me we were close and then I saw motion near a crashed vehicle. I pointed and Buffy nodded; that was them. I pulled up and slid sideways and suddenly the Slayer was out of the car and in full butt kicking action. She went after the demon that seemed to be terrorizing Willow and Dawn. I ran to Dawn, keeping an eye on Buffy, but checking for any injuries. She was clutching her arm to her chest and there was some blood, but she seemed pretty much okay. I got her to give me her arm and it seemed tender and bruised, possibly fractured. Better safe than sorry and I would make sure she got to the hospital tonight. It wasn't long until Buffy finished up that demon and I looked over to see Spike helping Willow as Buffy came to see how Dawn was.  
  
"We need to get her to a doctor, but she'll be okay. I'm going to get her to the car." Buffy nodded and helped her sister up as Willow started trying to talk to all of us at once.  
  
"Dawn... oh god there's blood. Is she okay? Is she okay? No, Dawnie, I'm so sorry. I didn't see. I'm so, so sorry." In spite of Buffy telling her to back off and that she, Buffy, had it Willow moved in front of us as she ranted and blocked our way to the car as she tried to apologize to Dawn. I saw some of Buffy's temper in her sister as Dawn's eyes got hard and she slapped Willow. I retook Dawn's arm and got her moving again. Buffy followed quickly until Willow fell over sobbing that she was sorry and Buffy stopped and nodded for me to keep getting Dawn to the car. I pulled out the ever present first aid kit and cleaned up the cut on her face, just a scratch really, before carefully putting a compress on it and then I pulled out an ace bandage and a soft plastic splint board to support her arm and wrist before I immobilized it against her chest.  
  
Buffy had gone back for willow and they came up to the car as I got Dawn settled into the front seat. Spike had walked up in front of them and he spoke softly as he told me he was going to take a walk I should take care of the girls. He left with a nod to Buffy, who nodded slightly in response. I don't know what Buffy said to Willow while I'd been caring for Dawn's injuries, but it was a much subdued red head that sat in the back seat with Buffy as I drove to the hospital to drop off Buffy and Dawn. Willow stayed sitting in the backseat quietly on the ride from the hospital to where I dropped her off at Buffy's house before I returned alone to the hospital to pick both of them back up. The ER doc had put Dawn into a gel cast support for a fractured arm and given her something for the pain. I got them into the car and left it running in front of the main entrance as I went in to speak to the lady at the desk. I asked her if she took my insurance and when she said that they did, I had her write in that information instead of Buffy's address as billing address. I also left my phone number for the insurance follow up verification number. It wouldn't keep them tied up for too long, but at the end they'd ask me to pay instead of Buffy... I hoped.  
  
I got them home safe and helped Buffy get a groggy Dawn into bed before going back downstairs to set up the sheets for my bed on the couch and Buffy went in to talk with Willow. I had the sheets arranged and was in the kitchen when Buffy came down to find me. We were quiet for a minute before she spoke. She seemed a little reluctant to get close to me. I thought we were going to have kind of a serious conversation, but I got surprised instead.  
  
"So, you made up the couch?"  
  
"Yeah, is that a problem? I can stay somewhere else if you want." She responded quickly.  
  
"No, that's not it. I just thought... I mean." I think I understood. I nodded at her and finished my glass of water before moving the sheets to the floor of her bedroom while she was in the shower. I grabbed a clean undershirt and shorts as I headed in and she came out of the bathroom. I took the time to clean the cut on my face and rub some of my herbal compound onto some of my worse bruises on my back, the ones I could reach anyway. I came out of the bathroom and quietly crossed the hall into Buffy's room, closing the door behind me, to find the sheets I'd arranged on the floor were refolded and to find Buffy in an undershirt herself, lying in bed on one side under the sheets with the other side of the sheets folded back in invitation.  
  
"I thought we should actually try sleeping in a bed for once." I detected a sense of irony in her voice, and smiled as I shut the light off and made my way into bed. Once there I settled into the soft sheets and warm blanket. I didn't make any moves on her, tempting as it was now that we were actually in a comfortable bed. Instead I just enjoyed our close contact. Shortly she was spooned against my back and using me as a large teddy bear, but I had absolutely no problem with that and shortly found myself lulled to sleep by her soft breathing, body warmth and steady heartbeat. 


	11. Where did she go?

I woke up before she did; I think I was getting more used to this sleep schedule. I looked around the room without moving too much from where I was lying on my back with Buffy curled up against me on my left. I couldn't bring myself to move her just to look at my watch, so decided to lay there and enjoy the view. I'm not sure how long I stayed there like that before I realized I was falling in love. However long it was didn't soften the blow any. I'd only fallen once before, and judging how badly that turned out I think I was justified to feel like I'd been hit in the head with a hammer, but without the pain. On second thought, the pain was there too, but that was probably just from opening myself for too long and stretching too far last night. I looked down at this wonderfully strong person who had faced the world on her own for so long, who had stopped it from ending more times than I could count, and I was not in awe of her physical attributes half as much as her strength of will. I had seen her move and seen her fight, but that was just wonderful garnish to who she was as a person. A person who loved and cared for her friends as she protected everyone around her with no regard for herself. In my mind, that just wouldn't do. I had this thing for taking care of people, and I'd be hard pressed to find someone I would enjoy helping as much as the beautiful blond next to me.  
  
I was so distracted marveling about how lucky I was and trying to figure out how long I'd felt this way about her, that I didn't notice her open eyes looking up at me. I met those beautiful hazel eyes with mine and smiled as she relaxed against me. I brushed a stray strand of hair from her face and we lay there for a few minutes silently until her alarm clock went off and both of us started at the loud noise. She rolled over and shut it off before standing up and finding her clothes. She glanced back at me once as she was getting dressed to see me pull my own pants up. I felt her gaze and turned my head to catch her looking just before she pulled her shirt off. I quickly looked away and found a clean shirt in my bag. She asked me to knock on Dawn's door before I headed down stairs. I smiled and nodded as she ducked into the bathroom with her hairbrush already in hand. I knocked on the requested door and heard Dawn's curt voice tell me she was already up before shouldering my bag and heading downstairs. I used the downstairs bathroom and washed my face, being careful of the healing wound. I grabbed a glass of water and drank half of it before I headed outside to sit on one of the lawn chairs. Drawing my feet up into a lotus position, I slowly centered myself as I began a meditation.  
  
I was in deeper than I thought as I didn't realize Buffy'd said my name softly from the back door. She said she called for me a few times and even checked to see if my car was still here before checking out back. I didn't hear her at all until she touched my shoulder and I grabbed her hand and went to flip her over my shoulder before she stopped my motion easily. The awareness of how I didn't complete my reactionary movement was what really woke me up, I think. She looked at me puzzled as I told her how sorry I was, she'd just startled me. She just stood there looking confused as she responded.  
  
"No harm no foul. What were you doing, sleeping?"  
  
"Meditating, trying to fix what I did last night, but it can be similar in how oblivious I can be to the outside world. I really didn't mean to do that, it was just a reaction."  
  
"It's cool, don't worry about it. You gonna' be okay?"  
  
"Yeah, I just pushed myself a little too far. My reflexes might be off a little bit for the day, but I'll be okay."  
  
"C'mon, I need your help inside." I stood up and followed her into the house. Buffy had a box she carried upstairs to Willow's room where the removal of all magical items was underway. We went through a few drawers with Buffy do the searching and me putting all magic items into the box; Willow sat on the bed the whole time. Dawn came in to help after she got out of the bathroom; at least I think it was helping. She started criticizing everything or whining about how we had to get rid of stuff she liked. Buffy tried to tell her that it was a thorough cleaning of anything that might tempt Willow and we were trying to help her. I was a little at a loss over how much stuff there was. Different bags of herbs, large and small; candles, crystals, incense, different colored sands and powders, and a few more miscellaneous items from all around her room. We moved down to the living room where I thought Dawn was finally going to flip over a statue of the fertility god that used to be their mother's, but Buffy got her way and I got handed the figurine to carefully place in the box.  
  
Willow came down to help make breakfast, while Dawn went upstairs to get ready for school. I poured juice for the three of us while we chatted about a lot of nothing. Buffy went to the stairs to holler that Dawn needed to eat before she had to get to school. I'd volunteered to drive her to school as we were cleaning and Buffy called Xander to let him know he could sleep in a little bit. Buffy came back in the kitchen and asked Willow how she was doing. Willow did seem to be shaking a little while she made an omelet, but she said she was doing better. Dawn came in and seemed to be trying to give Buffy a hard time about everything in general. She ignored breakfast, saying she was ready. I went to wash my hands before we left and heard Dawn heading back upstairs.  
  
On my way back, I heard Spike's voice and stopped cold in my tracks. What was he doing here? I heard Willow say she was gonna head up and get dressed. I went back around the corner and tried not to be noticed. Willow saw me anyway so I made a kind of 'what was going on in there?' hand wave, but she just shrugged and kept going, seeming a little paler than usual. I went back to standing just out of view to listen in, feeling like a cad the whole time. Didn't I just tell her yesterday that it was her business? I heard her tell Spike to stop trying to see her, and to stop calling her whatever he had called her that I didn't hear. He spoke again, moving closer to her, "So, um, what should I call you then? Pet? Sweetheart? Maybe goldilocks? I love this hair, the way it bounces around when you- " My blood ran cold at the tone in his voice as I assumed he played with her hair, but held myself back from doing something stupid. I heard metal as she picked something up from the counter, but then he said something about a flapjack I didn't quiet catch. What the hell was that supposed to mean? I heard her echo my thought out loud, but then she stopped and, more importantly, she breathed. I knew that breath. What the HELL was going on in there. I took a different kind of breath of my own and walked in.  
  
"What are you doing, Spike?" I kept my voice quiet and calm, somehow. She reacted quickly, slapping him away from her and putting down a spatula. They looked at me, but Buffy couldn't meet my eyes. I opened my mouth without thinking about what was going to come out, generally a bad thing with me, but she stopped me by saying it was time to get Dawn off to school, walking toward me. I wanted to keep my feet planted but didn't feel like fighting her Slayer strength. She forcibly walked me around the corner as she hollered for Dawn. "Hey, we really need to get Dawn off to school. You can let yourself out, right Spike?" Her commentary came on with a slight hint of babble, but I kept my mouth shut for fear of what might come out of it as we rounded the corner to the stairs and raised her voice to yell for Dawn. "Dawn, you better get going, you're going to be late." She finished up as Dawn reached the bottom of the stairs, her coat over her arm. "I'm here." "Okay, you've got everything you need?" "Yup." Dawn's responses were treading on the heals of Buffy's, but I was still afraid to say anything. "And after school you'll-" "Yeah. Let's go Jake?" Dawn pushed forward toward the door only to be stopped by Buffy blocking the way. "You will come straight home." Buffy had mom voice. I just realized Buffy had a mom voice. Dawn didn't quite respond to it as Buffy'd hoped she would, I wager. "Sure. Maybe we can find some time for you to get me into another car accident." Buffy gave up and opened the door for us. Standing on the other side was a middle aged woman, looking kind of motherly in her own way. Something about her said social worker to me, and I didn't meet her eyes. She introduced herself as Doris from social services and, my suspicions being confirmed, I led Dawn on a quick escape; wishing Buffy the best as I left her to face one battle I was in no way qualified to help with. I was tempted to kiss Buffy on the cheek on the way out, but stopped and just whished her a good day as I retreated, making sure not to make eye contact with that woman.  
  
Dawn and I were in the car and well on our way to the school before I finally had to say something for fear of us being thrown into awkward silent friend mode.  
  
"So how's the arm feel?" Good, a nice general topic with only a slight allusion to how she got it. Not bad considering how I felt at the moment. She, however, seemed a lot less enthused.  
  
"Great, just great; almost as good as the last injury my sister caused."  
  
"Hold on a minute, babe. You don't really think she wanted you to get hurt, do you?"  
  
"No, but she didn't do anything to stop it. She never talked to Willow about her problem, even though she knew before all of us lost our memory that she was doing too much magic. She never listens. Even after Tara left she was all 'la la la' with the not caring." I put my hand on her arm, trying to comfort her and send out a relaxing vibe, but she just looked over at me with a questioning look on her face as she asked me if I said something. Looks like I needed more time to relax my head before trying to move anybody else's. And it also looked like I was going to have to do this the old fashioned way.  
  
"That's not the whole of it, and you know it. You know she's been through a lot herself, and she's trying hard to work through things on her own. It's a full time job just being the Slayer, but she's managed to find time for you and her friends too. From where I'm sitting, that's quite an accomplishment. You shouldn't try to fight her; you should try to work with her, if you want anything to get better." We were silent for a couple of minutes and the best thing I could hope for would be her thinking about what I had to say, even just once. Luckily I got her there on time with a few minutes to spare. Fast cars do help. As she was about to get out I touched her arm again and told her to have a good day and that I'd see her later. She did smile at me as she said that I should too, and I took that as a good sign.  
  
I drove around a while before heading back to the house. I tried to cool off before trying to think about what Spike had been doing there this morning. Unfortunately it didn't work so well because my top three responses all involved death, dismemberment, or at the very least some kind of pain. I forcibly centered myself; realizing that being thrown out of balance last night was going to make me both grouchy and emotional today and not my normal relaxed self (insert irony here). I finally made myself stop for some ice cream (yes I said ice cream) to make me feel better and then taking a short drive around town looking for a shooting range. I did stop by a shop that sold guns and they gave me directions. I put that errand off for later and headed back to Buffy's house to find her gone and the back door unlocked. I made my way upstairs and found a sleeping Willow and still no sign of Buffy. I stood in her bedroom and tried for the umpteenth time that morning to relax as I looked around. I did notice some hair on the floor in front of the mirror on the wall. It looked like she'd cut it and tried to clean up, but missed a few strands. I smelled it and was sure it was hers before putting it back down on the carpet.  
  
I left the house the same way I came in, checking again for notes on the fridge and again finding none. I drove around, stopping for gas, and then to the Magic Box to see if she was there already. Walking in I noticed Xander and Anya had their place setting thing set up, but were completely ignoring it, talking about something invisible.  
  
"Hey guys, how's it going?" With no preamble whatsoever, I got the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  
  
"Buffy's invisible and we don't know how she got that way." Talk about weird mornings. Funny how they seemed more used to this kind of thing. Still, I assimilated Xander's information quickly enough, I think, and started asking questions.  
  
"So I take it you've seen her then?" I realized it as soon as I said it and there was no way Xander would let it get by.  
  
"No, she's kind of invisible."  
  
"Okay, so I get it. Where is she now?"  
  
"She just left to take a walk. She said she needed to clear her head. And you caught me on my way out; I'm heading over to talk with Willow."  
  
I nodded as he spoke and couldn't help the small grin when he told me the invisible Buffy needed to clear her head. He left after saying goodbye to Anya and then was gone. I looked around the shop and then back at Anya. She seemed to be a very attractive, if somewhat abrasive, person but I don't think we'll ever be good friends. Throughout our whole conversation she kept trying to get me to buy stuff. It wasn't long before I excused myself to go into the training room for some heavy bag workout. I was toweling off when my phone rang and Willow was on the other end. She wanted to make sure I knew about Buffy, I guess Xander hadn't told her that he'd already told me. I asked her if she knew anything about how it could have happened. She actually got defensive on me, accusing me of accusing her, but I finally got her to understand I didn't think she did it. She told me she didn't know how it could have happened but she was looking into it. I got cleaned up and waved at Anya on my way out, asking her to call me if anything changed. I was going to look for Buffy.  
  
Turned out, it was pretty hard to find someone who was invisible; I sure tried though. I went driving and then walking downtown. I checked out a few haunts and found a few bars. I even got a tip about a nest I checked out on my own, hoping to find her there. I didn't find anybody alive but there were six vampires, four of whom I dusted before pulling back into the sun. I headed over to the park and walked through it looking at everything blown by the wind. It was almost dark when I finally decided to head over to Spike's crypt but before I could go inside, my phone went off again. Xander sounded nervous as he described the tapioca pudding effect. I told him where I was and where I'd gone already, before he told me he was going to join me in my hunt for Buffy. I knocked on the door before pushing it in. The place was a shambles, but he wasn't in the main level so I started downstairs, calling his name.  
  
He was standing there, naked, looking down at himself. As I said his name, he looked at me in a mix of accusing surprise. I told him to get some clothes on and I'd be upstairs waiting for him. I looked around, checking his fridge and admiring the extensive layer of dust covering everything. He came up the ladder slowly, looking around until he saw me sitting in his chair. I stood up and leaned against the back of it as we started talking.  
  
"We need to talk, Spike. Have you seen Buffy?"  
  
"What's the matter, mate, afraid I'm moving in on your bird?"  
  
"That's not it. Buffy does what she wants."  
  
"I'll bet she does who she wants, too" The vampire was trying to get under my skin, I told myself; don't let him.  
  
"I'm not here about that. I wanted to make sure you knew she's invisible. The rest of it, well... I'd like to know why you attacked her the other night. I mean, I know you're still evil, but what did you get from showing your hand? Or has the chip done its purpose and reformed you?" He looked thoughtful for a minute before responding.  
  
"I wouldn't exactly call me reformed. 'Leashed' is more the word for it. Look, I started helping Buffy so they wouldn't kill me and also because demons and other vampires are the only things I can kill. Now, it's different." I waited for him to elaborate, but he made no indication he was going to. Finally I asked him another question.  
  
"What do you want from her?" Now he was getting more upset.  
  
"You don't get it, do you, you tosser. I want her." It took a second to sink in.  
  
"Do you love her, Spike? Wait, don't answer that. I don't need to hear if you do or not, it won't change things." I stood up fully and started walking around before I kept on with what I wanted to say. "I'm falling for her, Spike. I think that she's an amazing person, and I could hardly blame someone else for seeing it too." I sat back down on the back of the chair, facing him again. "The fact is that I'm worried about her. Not just this whole invisible thing, it's more than that. I'm worried that she might just give up, stop living. I'm worried that she might get fed up and blow up at her friends, maybe hurting them... and herself. I'm worried that she might need something that I don't see in time and she'll end up hurt. I'm worried that she might decide she doesn't need me, doesn't want me around. I'm worried that if, when, I tell her that, she'll look at me and laugh. But I'm more worried about her choosing someone other than me to be with her. Don't give me something else to worry about, Spike. Don't make me have to worry about if you're going to hurt her; I don't have time for it." I threw my hands up in the air. "I don't know why I'm telling you this, I should be telling her."  
  
"You just did."  
  
I admit it; I jumped about a foot in the air. The voice, her voice, came from a few feet to my right. I was shocked, relieved, and nervous all at the same time. She heard what I'd just said, what in the world was I going to do now?  
  
"Buffy?"  
  
"Yeah; it's me." I waited for her to continue... to say something, anything; but she was silent.  
  
"Look, Buffy, I don't know what to say."  
  
"You certainly knew what to say when you were talking to Spike about me, us. You seemed to have a lot on your mind, actually." I was literally at a loss for words. Without being able to feel what she was feeling, I had no idea how to react. I realized two things at that moment. The first was that without my hard earned mental skills I was almost lost, amazing how quickly I'd come to rely on them. The second was that I was about to be in serious trouble if I didn't watch my step in the next few seconds.  
  
"I came here to talk about his chip and to find out more about why he thinks he can hurt you. I wanted to know about his intentions. I wanted to know if he'd seen you, because I wanted to tell you myself about how I felt. I guess this is a just bad time. Look, call me if you need me, I'll be around. Xander is looking for you too by the way." I'd been walking around a little, looking in her general direction while I talked but stopped during the last two lines, the one about Xander almost an afterthought delivered over my shoulder as I turned and walked out of the crypt into the night. I heard Buffy calling for me to wait, but I made a bee line for my car, got in, started it up, and took off with the only passenger being my own frustration.  
  
I didn't know where I was going and I didn't really care. I drove around for hours, before finally stopping back by the Magic Box to see if they'd found what caused Buffy's invisibility. They hadn't heard yet, so I made sure they had my number and then went back roaming the town, my mind torturing me by replaying Xander's words in my head 'like tapioca pudding'. It wasn't too long before my phone went off and I heard Buffy's voice on the other end. All she did was ask me to meet her at the house. I would have taken my time to get there, but hurried at the thought of her fading away, dissolving away from me. When I did get there she was waiting for me on the front porch and she was visible again. I took my time getting out of the car steeling myself for what was to come. Amazing, I told myself, that I could lead men into combat but I couldn't face the adorably amazing blond sitting on the front steps of her house. The tangent to that thought was wondering how many of her opponents had had similar thoughts. I shook them free and concentrated on the current objective; not sticking my foot in it while I made sure she knew how I feel about her. As I got closer I realized I was right about her cutting her hair and reminded myself to ask her about it later. It did look very nice, though; definitely not a bad change.  
  
"Hey. Love the hair." All that and I still didn't really know what else to say.  
  
"Thanks. Can we talk?" Her hand absently went to her much shorter locks as I sat down next to her, keeping my eyes on her. We were quiet for a minute before she started talking.  
  
"Willow and I had a little talk, after we found the guys with the invisibility ray."  
  
"I'm sorry, did you just say 'invisibility ray'?"  
  
"Yeah. Nerds. It's a whole thing."  
  
"Ok, I guess. Dealt with?" At her nod I tried to get us back on track. "So what was your talk with Willow about?"  
  
"First steps. Trying to find the right path..." Her voice trailed away and her gaze went somewhere afar.  
  
"And what did you decide?" She brought herself back and looked at me before turning away again, looking straight ahead to answer.  
  
"That what has been tempting me for the past few weeks, what I finally gave into today, isn't right for me." That sounded pretty good so far. I knew she was talking about Spike, but mentally shrugged off that idea; there was something more important here to deal with now; us.  
  
"So what's next?"  
  
"I don't know. I guess that all depends, really."  
  
"Depends on what?"  
  
"On you..." Her half smile was back, but the feeling wasn't behind it.  
  
"What do you mean by that? How can this depend on me?" I held myself back, not knowing what really think about what she'd meant.  
  
"Well, I want you to tell me what you told Spike about me, and then I want, need, to make sure you mean it." I looked at her, gauging her sincerity for a second, and then decided to go for it.  
  
"Well, I don't know when you came in, but basically I kinda told him how I feel about you. I told him that you were amazing without being the Slayer. I told him how I worried about your friends supporting you, and what could happen if they didn't. I told him I was worried about not being able to protect you if you need it." I stopped and pulled her hand into mine. Her eyes were shining and focused on my face. Her hand shook slightly in my grip and I held it with both hands to warm it up. "I told him about how worried I was to have this conversation and your reaction. I told him I wouldn't know what to do if you decided you didn't want me around, or if he hurt you. And I am the most worried about what could happen if you decide to be with someone else." I kept my eyes on hers and my mind was clear enough now that I could tell she liked what she heard. I knew there was something else I needed to say, now was as good a time as any. I took a deep breath and let it out.  
  
"Buffy, I'm falling for you."  
  
She looked at me, smiling, but didn't answer. I took in a breath and sighed it back out at her lack of reaction. But that's okay, I could wait. All I wanted from her was her smile. I was happy enough right now, even though I still didn't know if we were together. That could wait 'til later, as long as she needed. Her right hand reached across in slow motion to hesitantly touch my face at the upper tip of my scar. Slowly her finger traced its way down the length of the entire scar; I closed my eyes, letting her gentle touch tickle against my skin unencumbered. Her lips found mine in a long kiss that broke as she rose and led me upstairs silently to her bed. Wordlessly she pointed at the bed and gave me a gentle one handed push making me sit down on it as she turned and left the room coming back a few seconds later with some clean bandaging and some peroxide. Carefully she pulled at the butterfly bandage on my cheek, trying not to hurt me. I was silent and kept my gentle gaze on her face and the tender expression I saw there. She cleaned and then pressed a clean bandage across the worst of the cut after applying some aromatic ointment. I looked up at the door and willow leaning against the doorframe and Buffy turned to follow my gaze.  
  
"Hey, Wills, headin to bed?" She started to self consciously clean up the wrappers and used cotton balls, looking down at her hands.  
  
"Yup. Good night, Jake. Sweet dreams, Buffy." I waved at her with a smile on my face, wishing her a good night and Buffy echoed my response. Willow turned and walked away toward her room and Buffy looked up to meet my eyes. I leaned forward slowly and placed a gentle kiss on her lips. We separated with a gentle sigh and stood up together. She went first into the bathroom and I headed downstairs to grab my bag from the car. She was already out by the time I got back up so I spent a short time getting cleaned up before tapping softly at her door before opening it slowly. She was laying in bed with the sheets pulled up to her neck, smiling at me and beckoning me to her. I smiled and turned out the light as I closed the door behind me. 


	12. Job hunt

I woke up to an amazing morning. Buffy looked down at me, stroking my face. I was big with the smiles as I woke up and stretched. A perfect morning is very hard to come by, but this was as close as I'd come in a long while. I looked at the alarm clock next to the bed before turning onto my side to stroke her hair and pull her head onto my chest. She played with my chest with the fingers of her left hand before meeting my eyes with hers and pulling herself up to meet my lips.  
  
"Hey babe, I think you wanted to wake up early today." She smiled and then yawned before rolling over to look at the clock for herself. We lay in bed, looking at each other, just relaxing in the moment. It wasn't long before I couldn't help but lean over and kiss her again. Her answering kiss brought us into something that prevented us from an early morning. She barely got up in time to make sure Dawn was up and ready by the time Xander came to pick her up. As soon as they left, however, it was full awake mode. I helped her clean up the house some until Willow came down stairs and we all had breakfast together in the kitchen.  
  
"So, Jake, what's the plan for today?" Willow was asking me. I looked around at both of their smiling faces, Buffy's brighter smile made me think of other things, but I still had to answer Willow.  
  
"I'm not really sure. I had planned to just wash the car, or maybe go down to see a few friends of mine. Why, what's going on?" They looked at each other before Buffy turned back to answer me.  
  
"I've gotta go find a job." A job? No kidding.  
  
"Where are you thinking of applying?"  
  
"Somewhere I don't have to go through a lengthy application process and can start making money now; which actually translates to fast food. I'm going down to the Double-Meat Palace to apply later. Do you want to come?" Wait, the Slayer was going to go work at fast food? She had to save the world for minimum wage? I don't know if I could be okay with that.  
  
"You probably don't have to do that. Some of the guys I was gonna' go see today could maybe make a spot for you with their organizations. At the very least it wouldn't hurt for me to ask, right?" She seemed slightly skeptical, but hopeful.  
  
"Well, you want me to come with you? Anything could be better than the Double-Meat Palace, right?" I didn't know if she'd like it where I was going, but I'd already put my foot into it.  
  
"Sounds like a good idea to me, give you a chance to meet some of the people that can help you out. And if you don't like any of them I can still go with you to the dreaded Double-Meat." We collectively cleaned up the kitchen and then Willow went back upstairs to take a nap, she said, while Buffy and I went out and hopped in the car. My first stop for the morning was this older guy I'd met the last time I was here. His name was Doc Davis and he provided discrete medical services. Unlike most other doctors who did the same, he was actually trustworthy and I met him after the fateful night I met the slayer, dropping off the guy who'd attacked me afterward. Buffy came in with me when I walked in and when the receptionist told him who was here, he came out almost immediately and asked us to wait in his office, personally. He came in about five minutes later and shook hands with Buffy before he shook hands with me.  
  
"Imagine, the Slayer in my office. Jake, to what do I owe the honor?"  
  
"Wait, he knows who I am? How does he know who I am?" The Doc and I exchanged looks, but he answered.  
  
"Some of my clientele are quite afraid of you, my dear. Not a week goes by that some demon wants me to look at a broken arm or some such that you gave him." She starts looking around the office, almost like looking for an escape.  
  
"They don't come here; they go to where I stay open at the back of the shop three nights a week." He assured her.  
  
"So you fix up the things that try to kill me?" Uh oh, time to try and save this.  
  
"They also deal with information around here. Show her the file, Doc. The guy I brought in last time didn't want to tell me what I wanted to know, but he told the Doc here enough to fill up an entire tape recorder." Davis had turned to a drawer behind his desk and pulled out a large manila folder stuffed full of papers and a box of recorder tapes soon joined it on top of his desk.  
  
"That's it?" At least she still seemed interested.  
  
"Well, for this week, yeah." I knew the Doc was proud of his side business, and that he just recorded the stuff to prove that he could outsmart the demons, but the stuff he didn't sell just wound up in a safe somewhere to be forgotten.  
  
"We need to talk. Do you think we could have a moment?" She smiled sweetly at the Doc as he nodded and left the room. "Do you think we're being recorded?" I didn't think so, but pulled out my cell phone and dialed a lengthy recording before I swept my phone over the most common places to hide a bug. This wouldn't catch everything, but the older bugs would static as I came near them. Just because I didn't find anything didn't mean they weren't there.  
  
"I don't think dealing with him is such a good idea."  
  
"Why not? You get a regular 9-5 job of easy stuff like filing mostly, and on the side you get access to all of his intelligence."  
  
"But he fixes the things that try to kill me. How can I work here and support that while he's helping them? I don't think this is gonna' work." I nodded and acquiesced to her will, it was her job.  
  
"Alright, well I've still gotta get his new number and catch up a little, so he doesn't think we're being rude." She seemed about to protest. "Relax, it'll be ten minutes max and if we ever need something we can't go to the ER for, we've got a fallback option." She thought about it for a second before nodding. I went to the door to wave at the Doc standing down the hallway that we were ready. It was actually eight minutes before we left, all of us smiling. We got into the car and it was instantly game on.  
  
"I can't believe you would bring me here! You knew about his shady customers, you knew he recorded what people say to him. How could you think I could work here?"  
  
"I knew you needed a job." I waited a few seconds, sending out soothing vibes, before continuing, "I knew he recorded them, but what if we got a hold of that info? We could find out things we might need to know about whatever else is coming. And yes I knew about his shady customers, because last time I was here I technically was one, not like with the demons or anything, but I couldn't be 'in' Sunnydale so I couldn't go to the ER to drop off that dude." We were silent for a minute while she thought about what I'd said. Finally she spoke, but it was like she wanted this whole thing to never have happened.  
  
"So what's next?"  
  
"I've got to go by the base"  
  
"Wait, the base? What do you need to go to the base for?"  
  
I want to go see a few guys there. Plus there's an officer I know who can hire civilians to work there. Ever think about being an unarmed combat instructor?"  
  
"Is that what you did?"  
  
"Yeah, the last few years I was in, I did that for agents and stuff. But if they don't use you for that here, you could at least help out with the recurrent training that goes on here."  
  
"I don't know about working on the base. I haven't had too many good experiences with the military."  
  
"Not all the military is the same as the Initiative, Buffy."  
  
"You know about the Initiative? Wasn't that supposed to be top secret or something?"  
  
"Well, I used to be in good with some people that are now pretty high up. I called one of them up, one of the guy's we're gonna go see right now in fact, after I had my run in with you to see what the government knew about all of this. He met with me in person and explained what they knew and what they were going to do about it. Could you imagine every vampire in the world having a chip like Spike's? That was how the idea was pitched to me, except our own military would carry transponders and they couldn't attack anyone carrying a transponder, then we'd drop them into hostile zones and let them feed on the other side during the night, and then when daylight came both problems would be solved. He told me a lot, Buffy; some of it I can't tell you yet, but most of it seems pretty pointless. Those bureaucrats could never really see what a threat the underworld could be to them."  
  
"So did you ever know Riley?"  
  
"Do you mean Agent Finn? Is that who Xander mentioned the other night before we sparred?"  
  
"That's him. How do you know him?"  
  
"I helped teach him. Mostly I used to cover unarmed combat, but I got into some marksmanship too. He was part of the Initiative, wasn't he? I haven't seen him in a while."  
  
"He was, but he... left." There was something there she wasn't telling me, and it sounded like something personal.  
  
"Does he still favor his left side?"  
  
"Yeah. He does. Anyway, so what kind of wait time would I be looking at if I went to work here?"  
  
"That all depends on how long it takes to get your clearance paperwork done. Shouldn't be long at all if I convince him you want the job." She was silent, thinking, the rest of the way to the base where I showed my ID to the Gate guard and he saluted before waving me in. We finally pulled up in front of a nondescript building with a number on the side, but no sign marking its unit designation. We headed in together, through a glass door, to see a man behind a bulletproof glass booth. I handed him my ID and he went to tapping a few keys on his computer while I asked Buffy to pull out her ID. She finally produced her old college ID, just as the Sergeant behind the desk handed me back a green swipe badge and I passed him her ID and told him that I was going to sign her in. He nodded like he was listening to me, but typed her into the computer anyway and shortly he pulled out a similar badge, but blue in color, to pass through to me. I showed her where to wear it, nodded at the Sergeant who told me to have a great day, Sir; before I swiped my card through the reader at the door to his right and held it open for Buffy to lead the way. We were down the hallway and out of his earshot when I finally asked her how deep in with the Initiative she'd been.  
  
"I thought you knew."  
  
"I knew it was here, and I knew you were here. After finding out you knew Riley, and knowing he was with the Initiative, I speculated."  
  
"Well, I helped them out a few times. Until my professor, their medical lady, Walsh, tried to kill me. Then I killed the evil multi-monster she was building and blew up most of their lab after the vampires and demons and stuff they had got out of their cages."  
  
"Wow, you never do things half assed, do you?"  
  
"Nope, not my style. So who's this guy we're going to meet again?'  
  
"He's a general, so he's pretty high up there even though he's only got one star. I knew him when he was a Captain, back before I was training agents in Georgia, we served together. I helped him out of a tight spot, and then he helped me out a little and we've pretty much been doing the same thing, off and on, ever since."  
  
"And he's the guy we need to talk to about getting me a job here?"  
  
"Well, he's the guy that tells the guy we need to talk to that he wants him to hire you. We're working from the top down on this one, babe." We were silent as we made our way upstairs and took a short walk through the local Hall of Heroes before making our way to another card swipe door. We walked into a square room with a receptionist sitting at a desk and a hallway extending away from us with signs hanging from the ceiling. I told the receptionist my name and who I was here to see before he, another Sergeant, told me to wait a second and checked my name against his computer. He nodded at me to go on in, but to knock first. The General and I were definitely on a first name basis; he called me Jake, and I called him General.  
  
"How's it going, you old son of a bitch?" Well, most of the time anyway. I responded in kind, of course.  
  
"Better than any day as an overbearing yet falling apart incompetent who's still responsible for everything." We shook hands firmly before he motioned us to sit down across from him.  
  
"So who's this wonderful person, and what is she doing slumming with you?"  
  
"I'm Buffy Summers, and you are?" Oops, time to step in and stop fooling around before she felt slighted.  
  
"Buffy, this is General Butler; he's the commander of this base. And I'm sure he's very pleased to meet you." I turned back to the General with a face that told him he'd better agree with me.  
  
"Buffy Summers? As in the Slayer Buffy Summers?" His tone was questioning, but his face was thoughtful.  
  
"Does everyone in this town know who I am? Why was it so hard to get a loan if everyone knows who I am?"  
  
"Your reputation does precede you, young lady. I can assure you that not everyone in this town knows who you are. I only know because I had the distinct lack of pleasure to review a few files from the Initiative experiment. I'm sorry for everything that happened to you." Buffy's look clouded up and its time to change the subject, I think.  
  
"So how's business, General?"  
  
"The usual: boring and brutal. How 'bout you, demon hunting seems to agree with you."  
  
"I'll take that as a compliment. I have recently discovered, however, how easily overmatched I can still be." I smiled at her, trying to bring her back to the conversation before I made the request on her behalf.  
  
"Hey, are you gonna be around for a few days? I've got a new toy I'd like you to try out, if you've got the time."  
  
"I think I can arrange some free time next week, I'll let you know. In the meantime, I was wondering if you've got any available slots for unarmed combat instructors."  
  
"Why, think you can shake off the rust that easily and come back to work? Actually I could use someone with your skills with this new group coming back in. They'll be thinking they know everything again, and that just won't do."  
  
"-and that just won't do." We said at it at the same time, just like the old days when he'd call me onto the carpet to 'ream me a new one' and we ended up talking over whiskey instead. I nudged aside the old memory and looked at Buffy for her reaction as I continued.  
  
"Actually, she might be interested. I don't suppose you could make a phone call and get her an appointment with whoever your current evaluator is, could you?"  
  
"Well, I could. But... are you really as good as they say you are?" This last was directed at her, and she smiled sweetly before answering.  
  
"That is why they call me the Slayer, isn't it?"  
  
"Gumption, that's what that is. I like her, Jake. Better be careful or I'll steal her away from you." Without glancing at her, as badly as I wanted to see her reaction, I managed to retort.  
  
"Yeah with your wife and your girlfriend both hunting you down for it, I'd wager." Another old running joke from days that we could no longer live up to. I could see the answering thought in his eyes. Were we just playing at doing our jobs after everything else we'd already gone through?  
  
"I'll call over right now. You remember where the training facilities are? Good, be there to meet with Captain Bearsnet in about twenty minutes and he'll be expecting you. I expect you to give me a call later this week to let me know when you can check my new toy out; I think you could use it. It was very nice to meet you, Ms. Summers, and I hope this will not be the last time." We stood up and shook hands before leaving his office and heading out to the car, stopping to turn back in our badges for our ID's. Once in the car, we headed over past the airfield and next to the hospital; the perfect place for a training area.  
  
"Hey, you okay?" I looked over at the worried tone in her voice and nodded before smiling and answering, pushing aside the thoughts that never leave you alone after war.  
  
"I'm okay, just thinking is all. Remembering different times, some of which I'd rather not re-live, is all." We got out of the car together and I walked her across and through the track, the pull up bars, the outdoor sparring ring, and the open grassy fields used for calisthenics before heading inside. I found his office easily enough and checked in with this office's receptionist before being told to wait a few minutes until he was ready to see us. She was pacing almost nervously, so I asked the Specialist behind the desk to come get us when it was time and walked with her outside the front door.  
  
"Are you okay?" She smiled slightly then sighed and relaxed a little before answering.  
  
"Yeah, it's just the whole apply for a job that's not evil thing, plus the whole I'm on a military base thing, rounded off with a good old case of how much do these people actually know about me. I guess I'm kinda wondering what I'm doing here when I could be at the Double-Meat in near obscurity." Sounded to me like she'd thought this through more than a just little bit.  
  
"If you don't want to be here, we'll leave. I just wanted you to know there are more options out there for you. You don't have to limit yourself to fast food."  
  
"Excuse me, Sir."  
  
"Yes." I glanced over my shoulder at the Specialist who nodded at me to come in when I was ready. I nodded once in response and returned my attention to the Slayer.  
  
"Do you want me to do this?" Her question took me by surprise; this wasn't the person I was used to.  
  
"Babe, you do what you want. If you want this job, it's yours. If you want to go work in obscurity, go do that. Tell me what you want and I can help make it happen, but it's all your choice." She blinked at me and then squared her shoulders to march head first straight into his office.  
  
"Good morning." The man standing behind his desk looked very sharp in his uniform with polished brass and cleanly shaven face. After shaking hands and exchanging pleasantries he motioned for us to please sit down before leading right down to business.  
  
"I understand you might be looking for a position as an unarmed combat instructor. I'll have you know that the training program offered here is extensive and any instructor I will employ must be thoroughly proficient in martial arts."  
  
"Look, mister-"  
  
"Captain." He'd cut her off, but she shrugged it off and continued without pause.  
  
"Captain, I assure you that I can handle anything you can throw at me."  
  
"So you wouldn't be opposed to a minor test then would you?" At Buffy's head shake he picked up the phone at his side and asked for some sergeant or other to meet us in the practice hall in five minutes. Standing he led the way down the hall and into a largish room with mats on the floor and a podium toward the front.  
  
"Will you need to change? We can provide sweats for you, if you prefer."  
  
"I'll be fine." I pulled her to the side and whispered into her ear.  
  
"Remember to be careful, you don't want to kill this guy, but he's also likely to know some tricks you don't. Use your size to your advantage, he's probably not going to be used to fighting someone so small." She pulled me closer and applied pressure to my arm.  
  
"I have done this a time or two before, remember?"  
  
"I get it. Sorry." She let go her vice grip on my arm and I resisted the urge to rub it. I turned to see a very large and very cut man enter the room. He walked with the swagger of a man with utter confidence in himself. He went to speak with the Captain before stretching out on the mat.  
  
"You ready to do this?" I was beginning not to like Captain Bearsnet and this sergeant didn't seem any better. Buffy nodded and moved onto the mat and I walked over to stand beside the captain to watch. It started out simply enough. They shook hands and then backed up a few feet and waited. The sergeant waded in with blows aimed high at her head; she ducked under and kicked him in the stomach. The fight lasted about three more blows, none of which landed on Buffy, and the end result was priceless; the sergeant sent flying across the room. I was the only one clapping my hands at the end but it was worth the look on the Captain's face and Buffy's answering grin. The sergeant took his time standing up, and he didn't look pleased.  
  
"Want another shot?" The sergeant nodded his head and rushed headlong at her only to be misdirected and knocked down again. He sprung up quickly and rejoined the attack. I think Buffy actually let him get a hit in before she spun and kicked him in the face; he stayed down.  
  
"Seen enough?" The captain turned toward me as he answered my question.  
  
"Quite. Sergeant, are you alright?" The sergeant got up slowly and wiped at the blood on his face before nodding. Finally standing upright, he walked over to Buffy and stiffly shook hands with her before asking the captain for permission to go to the hospital to get his nose checked out. It was a much deflated man that walked out the same way he'd come in. The captain immediately began telling us about the pay, benefits, and hours per week she could expect. Buffy nodded with a polite expression on her face before asking for the man's card and telling him she'd call him if she was interested. We left him there with a bewildered look on his face as we walked out to the car.  
  
"So you don't want to work here?" I waited until we were in the car and on our way off base before asking.  
  
"I don't think I belong here."  
  
"Alright, I'm not gonna push. Wait, yes I am. This is a good job, doing what you're already good at and its good money. I guess I just don't see the problem here."  
  
"No, you don't. I can't work in a place where they know more about me than I do. Where everything I do has a number and a file somewhere. I'd rather work in fast food than have to worry about people looking at me without me knowing it all the time." She took a deep breath. "I can't do that." We were in the car by now and on our way off the base and back into town. We were both quiet for a time and there was definite tension, but I had no idea what to do about it. As I find myself to be a creature of habit I followed the same plan I normally follow in these kinds of situations; I stuck my foot in it.  
  
"I'm sorry I'm not being big supportive guy over here, but you'll be costing yourself money and the chance for an easy job you're already good at that would normally get you home in time to wait for Dawn after school. I understand you've had a bad experience with the Initiative, but they don't even exist anymore!" I caught myself raising my voice and paused to take a breath. When I continued I was much subdued, but still clearly agitated. "I don't understand, Buffy. You don't have to explain it to me, but pardon me for showing some concern over you risking your life nightly and saving the world to be paid minimum wage and come home smelling of grease every night."  
  
"That's what this is all about? You're worried about the way I'll smell? You really don't get it. My bad experience wasn't just about them trying to kill me, I deal with that everyday. My deal with them had to do with saving a... friend from that place. He was in deep, like you, and he knew a lot more about it than I did, like you, and he was big on trying to get me involved, like you. See a pattern?"  
  
"Wait, you won't listen to me because someone else had a similar opinion before and it got someone hurt? So now you don't trust me and I'm evil, deceitful, and trying to corrupt you into my conspiracy. Jeeze, Buffy, it's like you're not even hearing me over here." I could tell before she opened her mouth she was getting huffy and defensive. I took a deep breath and held up my hand. "Wait." I centered myself and sent out some soothing vibes which actually might have calmed me more than her. She ignored my hand and brought up a very good point.  
  
"Why are we fighting about this? Why are we fighting at all? It's my job."  
  
"I don't know. I guess I should just be there for you only when you want me to be and shut my mouth the rest of the time." I think she was shocked into silence by my last point and it gave me time to think. She was right and I knew it, but there was still this lack of trust thing going on between us we'd have to deal with eventually. She said she wanted me around and in her life more than just a background player, but she didn't seem to trust me at all today. I pulled up in front of the Double-Meat Palace per her request and stopped the car. She moved to get out but I put a hand on her leg and she paused in her motion.  
  
"I'm sorry we fought about this. I'm sorry we fought at all. I don't want you to think I won't support you just if I think you're wrong, but I'd be even more wrong if I didn't let you know how I felt about it. Look, just take the General's number in case you change your mind after seeing what it's really like in there." She was cold at first and looked like she just wanted to get out of the car but she took a breath and met my eyes as she put her hand on mine and her other hand took the card I'd offered her.  
  
"Look, I'd be pretty surprised if we actually made it through a week without some kind of a fight, it's kind of my track record. I'm sorry if you thought I didn't give your friend a chance but I will think about giving him a call if it doesn't work out here. Don't worry about picking me up, I can walk home from here and I could use the time to think. Thanks for trying to help me." She pulled her hand away from mine and got out of the car shutting the door behind her. She physically squared her shoulders, almost like she was heading into a demon's den, before marching her way through the front door and into commercialized hell. I drove around a bit and stopped back by my new gunsmith friend from the other day to pick up some extra ammo before making my way to her house. Dawn was there and we talked about her school day and something about a girl in her homeroom and that girl's boyfriend or someone else's boyfriend or... actually it was kind of hard to keep track of. We waited for Buffy to get home together and I had dinner ready for all of us, nothing fancy of course.  
  
She headed up to get her shower and I pulled out the sheets I hadn't used in a while. I thought they'd be kind of appropriate considering the fight we'd had. We'd been quiet during dinner and even though Buffy and Willow made some small talk no one really asked her about her prospective job. I'd kept silent about the other places we'd checked out beforehand and about almost everything else for that matter. She came out of her bedroom in her PJ's and I heard her walk around upstairs before coming down to see me settling into the couch, the lights already off. She was silent as she saw me, her face unreadable. She turned and made it halfway up the stairs before rushing right back down and practically jumping on me before burrowing her way in between me and the couch. Without a word I kissed her cheek, wrapped her in my arms, and followed her into dreamland. 


	13. Betrayed

I didn't know where to go. I was lost in my own body, my own mind. Driving around town wasn't helping. If anything it was making it worse; giving me too much time to think. The masochistic part of my brain kept trying to review the scene I'd seen so clearly under the moonlight. My mind wanted to pull back and think before I started losing control, but I clamped down on myself and forced the full playback to go on uninterrupted. Spike's crypt, I was there looking for Buffy. I heard what I thought were sounds of a scuffle going on inside. I'd opened the door of the crypt and stopped in shock. I softly closed the door and then sat down leaning against the cold and comforting stone wall. My mind didn't want to believe what my eyes were telling it I'd seen. I cracked the door ever so slightly and heard her unmistakable voice ask him to do something I didn't need to hear. My brain started to overload and shut down. Around me in the car objects started shaking softly and then more aggravated and violently; even the car itself began to rattle. I reaffirmed my control and the shaking stopped as I thought about what I'd done.  
  
I'd left. I walked away, but didn't really have anywhere else to go. Walking back to my car, I was so out of it I'd tripped and fallen into some garbage cans along the sidewalk, hitting my face on the way down and it reopened the freshly closed wound on my face letting blood flow freely. I ignored it, feeling nothing, and pushed myself on to get into the drivers seat and then sat for a minute trying to remember how to start the engine. I get it into gear and peel out, trying to get as far away from it, them, from her as I could. It was late and I had no idea where to go. Finally I pulled out my phone and made a phone call to my old friend the General. He met me at the bar I asked him to. I was there waiting when he walked through the front door. He took one look at me and ordered and paid for six rounds for each of us to be brought one after the other before making his way to my table and sitting down. He glanced at the cigarette in my mouth with scorn, but pulled one out of the pack sitting on the table and lit it. We drank the first of the whiskey train still without a word being said between us.  
  
"You're bleeding." I nodded, looking at my shirt and the blood stained there, but the cut had already stopped dripping.  
  
"Is it the girl?" I said nothing, but I didn't need to. He nodded  
and continued.  
  
"It's always the girl. Well, friend, my plan of attack is simple. We'll drink ourselves as close to oblivion as possible and still be able to drive to the apartment I keep on the side that you can use tonight and then I'll go back and sleep on base tonight. Tomorrow is soon enough for us to try and patch things up, if they warrant patching. Risk assessment though, chief; do you think it can be salvaged or are we looking at a no win situation." It was times like these that reminded me of when we'd first met. I'd breezed by the story when I told it to Buffy, but the real telling takes time.  
  
He had just taken over as my company's commander when our unit got moved overseas. I was a Staff Sergeant and acting Platoon Sergeant without a Platoon Leader. We didn't have much notice before we had to leave, and he had just moved into the area so I asked my girlfriend at the time to help out his wife of the time, basically just to get them settled in. We were on the plane and on our way in no time, it seemed. A few days at a forward base and again we were on a plane this time with our weapons ready and all our goodbyes said.  
  
We dropped at night into some hairy fighting that was enough to give anybody nightmares. I could hear the guy next to me on the way down screaming from the bullets that had found his parachuting silhouette. I rallied my platoon together and we pushed forward to finish the objective, but got pinned down by some machine guns emplaced on the hill to the left of our intended staging zone. Our Captain, Butler, stood up to rally two platoons together and push forward around the hill as I yelled for our platoon to lay down cover fire at the machine gunners.  
  
I watched in slow motion as an enemy sniper moved into the open to take aim on Butler. I swung my weapon around and tried to aim at the sniper about two hundred yards away at night and with no moon. My target was hard to differentiate from the background heat of the rocks he was on so I turned off my night vision goggles to aim with my naked eye. I took too long and he got off two shots before my round found his chest and he turned as he fell. I looked over at the Captain who had fallen onto his chest and waited for him to move. I yelled for my squad leaders to split and sweep around. I heard them echo their commands and first squad moved quickly around to the right of the berm and laid down cover fire for the second squad which broke left and began advancing by buddy teams before the first squad leader yelled to the second to begin his movement, just like we practiced.  
  
I stood up and ran to the Captain, a few bullets hitting the dirt at my feet. I grabbed him by the harness and carried / dragged him to cover and then called for medevac. I checked with my squad leaders over the radio, and when they told me they were clear I ordered one to setup perimeter security of the staging area and the other to begin a slow sweep coordinated with the other platoons. The Captain was the only one injured in that operation, but I got him mostly stabilized before the chopper showed up and moved him to a field hospital. I'd regrouped my platoon and called into the acting commander my status before we pushed forward to complete our objective. The op went so well from Butler's planning after that, he got a medal and a promotion as soon as he could stand. I thought back briefly to the time he'd repaid the favor of saving my own life, and realized it didn't matter what we did, it would always be that way between us.  
  
"You're on, what, your third wife now?" I finally broke my silence after finishing our second round.  
  
"Fourth." He looked thoughtful.  
  
"Was it worth it?"  
  
"Every one of them." I nodded and we returned to our silence. We didn't need to talk; all the normal drinking conversations had been exhausted by us years ago. The whiskey glasses came and went and more came to replace them. I looked at the half empty pack of cigarettes and, wadding them up, threw them across to behind the bar. The female waitress came over to ask if we'd like anything else. I shook my head and we rose as one to drop five bucks a piece as tip and walked in step out the door. I followed him in my car to the apartment he told me I could use for at least the next two weeks if I needed it, or longer if I let him know. He made sure I had his phone numbers, some food in the fridge, and the directions to the closest liquor store.  
  
It wasn't long before I made my way to said liquor store and stocked up on some much needed supplies. Well fortified with both Irish whiskey and some very good scotch, I looked at my phone in minor rage as I recognized Buffy's number before turning it off and throwing it into the next room. I lay there on the large and comfortable bed with the TV in the background for noise and began losing control. 'Being open is simply not being closed' I realized the validity of that truth as my consciousness wandered with my thoughts. First to the place I'd seen them together, empty now, and then to the inside of her house and Buffy sitting alone with the phone still in her hand looking at it with a slightly confused look on her face. My mind wanders in spike's direction and I see him sitting in the shadows of his crypt watching TV and smoking, his place still in a shambles. Fleetingly my mind jumps to see the other Scooby's, Dawn asleep, Tara, willow, Xander and Anya; and then more faces further away both in distance and time. Finally I slip into sleep pattern and can at last relax.  
  
I woke up groggy and looked around my unfamiliar surroundings. I checked myself for injuries and decided it wasn't too wild a night; the only blood on me was dried on my shirt. I had, however, lost control of my mind judging by the furniture in disarray around the room. I forced myself upright and looked around the apartment for a broom to sweep up the shards from the broken bulb that had been in the ceiling. Slowly, more as a discipline thing than for any real desire for cleanliness, I put the entire apartment to rights. Not much more than a living room and a kitchen, single bedroom and a bathroom, but it was nicer than a lot of places I'd had to lay my head. I picked up my phone and turned it on to listen to Buffy's voicemail wondering where I was, wondering when I'd be back, and letting me know where the door key was and to come on up to bed when I got there. I deleted that message and the other two after it. How could she expect me to come to her bed after sharing herself with him the same night?  
  
She had a shift this morning and I wondered if I should go try and see her as I made my way down to my car to get my bag and then headed back up to clean myself up. I got out of the shower and sat there on the couch, the TV still going, wondering what I was going to do with myself today. I think it might be best to leave her alone for a few days and just continue on as her friend. I needed to sort some things out, but first I needed intel. I had to know just what had been going on under my nose. I left the apartment and drove around making sure I saw Buffy at work before pulling away and heading toward her house. I guess she must have seen me drive by because it wasn't long before my phone rang and she was on the other end asking, demanding really, where I'd been the night before. I gave her some hollow promises about my safety and that I was okay, but neither of us really bought it. She finally hung up, saying she had to get back to work, but the ghost of what she'd done was between us now and it was hard to see through it to the real person I thought I'd known.  
  
I drove by the Magic box to make an appearance and check on things before heading out for some fast food and back to the apartment to crack open another bottle. I spent the rest of the afternoon like that before getting fed up with myself and went out looking for some action. I called up the General before heading out, letting him know I was okay after last night and thanking him for the use of this place. I hit up the bar, but it wasn't the right scene for me so I went over to the Bronze to check things out. I hadn't been there for two minutes when my phone went off and Buffy told me she was heading there to relax with her friends and invite me for some frosty nectar. I told her I might stop by, but probably wouldn't. I had a pretty good drink and a very good observation post when I saw the group enter and meander around before settling at a couple of tables. I waited for a while before watching Xander and Anya start dancing and then Xander heading over to invite Buffy and Willow. Buffy went to the bar and then she turned and headed up the stairs. I pulled back into the shadows and she didn't notice me. It wasn't long before Spike appeared out of the other shadows and closed the distance between them. I watched in silent rage as I watched them move together. I watched her face go to her friends down below and was amazed to see her fully enjoy herself. Who was this girl? How could she do that with her friends below? Watching them, even? I felt I didn't even know her anymore.  
  
I left and walked right by them both without them noticing and had made my way through the crowd to the door before I realized that it didn't hurt like it had the day before. I was amazed by myself and my lack of reaction. I got in the car and took off for a few parts unknown, even to myself, as I tried to puzzle out why I didn't feel anything. Had I not been in love with her? Had I simply written our relationship off as a loss? Had I moved on already and convinced myself to ignore everything we'd had? Had we had anything? I stopped that train of thought before I drove myself crazy. I headed back to the apartment and closed my mind down tightly before slowly lowering myself into bed and staring at the ceiling waiting for morning to come. I rolled out of bed and rummaged around in the drawer next to the bed for a pad and a charcoal pencil. The therapist the General and I had both attended told us that drawing out our feelings was a good way to identify and deal with them. I spaced out as my hand moved of its own volition. My mind chased wild thoughts through my life, but they all kept coming back to the past two nights. An hour or so passed and I looked for the first time at the scattering of drawing paper with my charcoal marks spread across the bed and the floor. There was Buffy the first time I'd seen her, over there she was fighting with me, here and there she was wearing my jacket the night we'd lost our memories, and there she was kicking the crap out of the pompous Sergeant at the base. Buffy...Buffy smiling. Buffy smirking. Buffy sleeping. Buffy with Dawn. Buffy laughing. Buffy with her Slayer face on and looking dangerous. Buffy jumping and kicking. Finally my gaze lingered on the closest one to me which featured two faces hers and Spike's, both in mutual rapturous pleasure. My heart jumped to my throat when I saw it. I realized then why I didn't feel anything the night before; I'd been too pissed off to feel the hurt.  
  
There have been times in my life when the only thing that kept me going was the sheer resolve to win. I got myself out of bed and into the shower, cleaning my cut and finding clean clothes as soon as I got out. I shaved down the stubble carefully before brushing my teeth and running a hand through my short hair, I'd need a haircut soon. I made my way down to the car and drove to her house to find it empty. Checking my watch I headed over to the magic box hoping to find her there working out and had a lucky break. I made my way through the shop without acknowledging Anya or anyone else in the shop, heading straight into the back to watch her working out on the pommel horse. "Can we talk?" She vaults off at the sound of my voice and runs at me for a hug but I stop her short by holding up my hand and stepping aside. "Okay, let's talk. Where've you been? What's going on?" "I was hoping you could tell me, actually." "What are you talking about?" She was getting agitated now and more than a little defensive. I took a breath and sighed it out thinking of how to best proceed without messing this up any further than it already was; I still had to stick around and help her out after this was worked out. "Can we do this another way?" She understood my meaning and nodded as she moved to the center of the open area and stretched out her arms. I dropped my jacket on the chair next to hers and rolled my shoulders to pop them before stepping in front of her to square off. We started moving and talking at the same time. My mind kicked in as I became attuned to her movements and could see what her next move was going to be, and soon her feelings as well. I turned the conversation to what I really wanted to know, but I had to lead into it. "I want you to know that no matter how this ends I'll still be there for you." She nodded in return as our blows and blocks punctuated the conversation, lending to the inherent rhythm of our dance. "What are you doing, Buffy?" I asked her.  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"I mean with Spike; what are you doing with Spike?" At her sharp intake of breath I looked at her face.  
  
"How long have you known?"  
  
"Two days ago."  
  
"Who else knows?"  
  
"No one." We were silent for a long pregnant moment, only the sounds of our feet and hands reverberating from the walls around us. "I wanted to tell you; so many times I wanted to tell you." I could sense her regret easily and couldn't really blame her considering the source of this argument, but there was more I needed to know.  
  
"How long has it been going on?"  
  
"I don't know. Not long, but long enough. Too long." We were moving more focused now, both of us fighting more with our emotions and the strength of our blows reflecting the same. The tempo of the fight began to increase and we began to take more hits instead of blocking them. She clocked me a good one forcing me to step back and I tasted blood as I stepped right back into the fray. The pace increased again and we weren't talking anymore or actually thinking of ways to fix the problem, only trying to beat the problem to death. I ducked under her punch and stepped forward nailing her in the chest with my right and knocking her down. I was expecting her to spring to her feet and come at me, but she stayed down and was breathing heavily. She looked up at me from the floor and asked me a very hard question. "So what do you want to do now?" The room was so utterly silent; I could actually hear her heartbeat as she waited for my response. I wanted to take her in my arms, but doing that would only betray myself. I wanted to kiss her and forget all of this had ever happened, but life doesn't work like that. This problem wouldn't be solved easily. I sat down ignoring the stinging of the sweat in my facial cut. "I don't know. I didn't see this coming. I mean, it's Spike." Her eyes welled up. "I know its Spike, okay. I know. But it doesn't mean anything. He... doesn't mean anything. "Do you love him?" "How could you even think that?"  
  
"I saw you together, Buffy. Twice. And you called me after the first time asking me when I was going to be there to share your bed." I watched it sink in and regretted the pain I saw in her face. I sighed again and tried to take a mental step back into friend mode and out of hurt boyfriend mode. I changed my tone and tried to keep emotion out of my voice as I asked her.  
  
"Did you want to tell me about it?" I wasn't trying to accuse her anymore; I simply wanted to find out more. I could tell she took it the wrong way by her face, but she was strong in her conviction.  
  
"I came back wrong."  
  
"No, you didn't we've been over this."  
  
"You're wrong, I am different. I'm wrong. I feel different and I think different. I'm doing things that I shouldn't be doing and I don't know why."  
  
"Like Spike?"  
  
"Yes... like Spike."  
  
"Do you love him Buffy? It's okay if you love him." Was it? I'd said it, but did I believe it?  
  
"I don't love him. He's just, more like me. Or I'm more like him now. It's different." "Did it ever occur to you what it would mean if you didn't come back wrong?" She was silent for a minute and she stood up to look down on me. "Look, I guess it doesn't matter to you, but I'm sorry; I'm so sorry for what I've done. What I did... to you."  
  
"How can you think it doesn't matter to me? I still love you, Buffy. I'm just trying to figure out if I can still trust us to be together. Can I? Can I trust you Buffy?"  
  
"What Spike and I have... had was wrong, I know that. I know it shouldn't have happened, but when I was with him, it felt more right." I faltered as her punch arced past my face and caught her follow up square on the chest. I stepped backward and then back in quickly to pick up the rhythm again. She caught my hesitation and quickly tried to clarify herself. "He doesn't mean anything to me. He never did, he was just... convenient."  
  
"And what am I?" "You're... different. You're there to look out for me; I feel safe around you. Spike can't give me that. Spike can't take me out in the sun. When I'm with Spike he makes me feel... bad." She couldn't meet my eyes as she told me how she felt. So where do we go from here?" I asked as I straightened. "I don't know. What do you want to do?" What did I want to do? Don't go there, I told myself; I knew what I should do. "I think we should take it kind of slow for a while, be friends. Wait a few days and see where we go from there. I love you Buffy, and I want you to know that if we're together, then we're together. But I want you to decide if you still want Spike before trying to come see me again." She didn't seem to like that too much. She reared back with her right, hit me with her left and then knocked me across the room with her right. I knew it was coming, but took it anyway and got up slowly as she gave me a hand up. I pulled her in close to me and kissed her lightly before letting her go. She leaned into the kiss, turning it into something more before I broke it off. Where had her lips been already today? "I'll call you." She said, turned to grab her jacket and was gone, hurt evident on her face. I stood there shaking for a few seconds, trying to get my physical reaction under control before grabbing my jacket and heading out through the shop to my car. I needed another shower and planned on lots of cold water. After I got out I went first to the bed and pulled out the last sketch I'd been working on, Buffy and me together smiling; I liked that one. Then I went to the bottle to have a few swigs before heading out for some food. I'd planned on an early night for once, but that wasn't meant to be. My phone went off at about twelve thirty as I was leaving the burger joint for the second night in a row; I'd pay for that later.  
  
It was Dawn on the other end and she was way worried. She said that Buffy'd told her that she'd hurt somebody, a girl, and that she was going to the police. She begged me not to let Buffy turn herself in. I told her I would try and not to worry before I hung up. I was calling Max on my way down to the station and I lucked out again; he was on duty. I told him that if he saw a blond by the name of Buffy he should stall her and wait till I got there. He sounded confused, but agreed before I hung up again shoved the pedal down further.  
  
I pulled up and squealed the tires as I barely stopped in the parking slot. I looked around frantically for her before heading inside and seeing Max. He shook his head at me from across the room and I went back outside in time to see her coming around the corner and get pulled backward by Spike. I rushed after them, but stopped to lean around the corner to listen, whatever she decided I would stick with but that didn't mean I couldn't get the inside scoop. Besides, I had to know what I was dealing with here.  
  
"I have to tell them what happened."  
  
"Nothing happened."  
  
"I killed that girl."  
  
"Demons in the woods, time going wonky, I'm sure they'll believe that." So Spike was there when it happened. It seemed like he was trying to stop her from turning herself in. I walked back into the station to find Max and ask him what was going on tonight. He mentioned the murder of a twenty something girl named Katrina. I asked him about cause of death and he said unknown, they'd just found the body, but it looked a few days old. I told him to put it down as suicide, sounded like she'd done a bridge bit. He nodded and said that was the working theory. He looked at me sideways and asked if that was what really happened. I nodded and he bent to his paperwork as I headed out. I made it out into the alley in time to see Buffy standing over Spike beating him and shouting that she was not his girl, could never be his girl. I saw him try and stand up, looking around through swollen eyes as he called out for her. I stepped on him as I made my way to her and wrapped her up in my arms. She leaned against me drawing strength for a second, but my mental suggestion didn't hold and she fought her way out of my embrace and squared her shoulders to walk resolutely toward the front of the building.  
  
We walked in together and I stood behind her without touching her but made sure that she felt my presence. We approached the desk and I nodded at Max as he made his way to speak to the desk sergeant who looked at the phone and picked it up nodding back at Max. Buffy glanced back at me and I put my hand on her back. The sergeant complained to the voice on the other end that it was busy and then asked him about a confirmed ID on the body. He said her name again and it didn't mean anything more to me from the first time I'd heard it, but I felt Buffy stiffen under my hand. She turned toward me and her face was cold and angry.  
  
"Warren." She said and walked past me heading out the door. She was getting in the car as I came out and I glanced at the alley, seeing nothing, before getting in myself. I drove us back to her house in silence. I got out at her house and followed her up to the front door. I held back at the door, though, and she turned to face me as I stopped.  
  
"Could you please... I just. I don't want to be alone right now." I heard the need in her voice and nodded following her in and directly upstairs. I kept my pants on as did she and we both lay down on top of the covers. Time enough to puzzle everything out tomorrow; tonight was for comfort and sleep. I slept better that night than I had all week, with her in my arms and her warm weight pressed close against the chill in my heart.  
  
We were gathered at the magic box the next day; all of the Scoobies, Dawn and myself included. Spike was conspicuously absent. I tuned in on Anya as she explained about this type of demon Buffy said she'd been fighting right before it happened. As soon as she said temporal disturbance my ears perked up, the phrase 'Time going wonky' echoing through my head. Buffy was nodding as Anya described the effect they have on our dimension and close contact with the people in it.  
  
"So these things just made you think you killed her." Willow was amazingly helpful in calming Buffy down.  
  
"Yeah, she was probably dead long before you stumbled across her." I'd gotten up early that morning after we'd been asleep for a few hours. After calling Max still working the night shift I'd gone over to see the body first hand. Looked to me like it had been an earlier killing than when Buffy'd had her encounter. The official report would be death from a fall but the detective Max introduced me to had told me it looked more like a homicide, but without the evidence there wasn't a whole lot he could do. I made it back without Buffy noticing I was gone, I hope. I glanced at Dawn sitting beside me on the steps and leaning against the guardrail but her face was pensive. I put my arm around her shoulders.  
  
"It wasn't the demon, it was Warren. He knew Katrina, he had something to do with this I know it."  
  
"How can you be sure?"  
  
"You always hurt the ones you love." I felt something from her across the mental link I hadn't quite realized was still there. She thought of me.  
  
"Does this mean you're not going away?" Dawn beside me kept her gaze from meeting her sister's as she asked the question.  
  
"I'm not going anywhere." Buffy stood up as she spoke and walked toward us, but Dawn shrugged off my arm from her shoulders and stood up to walk away.  
  
"Give her time, Buffy." She nodded at me and turned to face her friends.  
  
"We need to find Warren and the others. Whatever they did they're not going to get away with it. The group broke up heading in their separate directions. I collected Dawn from the back room and she sat silently in the backseat of the car on the way back to the house. I dropped them off to give them the time to talk and I headed out to the gun range to focus myself. I took a place at the end of the range away from the other shooters and put my target onto the moveable brace to send it down range. I emptied my first magazine, reloaded and shot through my second before putting down the pistol and bringing back my target. I discarded that paper silhouette and put up another to repeat the process. I spent quite a few hours there before I left smelling of smokeless gunpowder; one of the best smells I know of. I did finally make it back to the apartment to clean and lube my pistol and then myself before heading over to Buffy's house.  
  
I stood nervously outside her door for a second, wondering if I should be there. Finally I reached up and knocked. Buffy answered quickly, seeming eager to see me. I smiled but hers dimmed.  
  
"I'm sorry; I wasn't really expecting you back tonight. I was kinda waiting for someone else." Who? Spike? I felt my Irish rise up a little, but held back. It was still her choice.  
  
"I – should I leave?"  
  
"No! No, come in. I'm waiting for Tara. We have something to talk about." She waved me in and I walked past her into the living room. I sat down on the couch looking up at her, trying to find a place to start but before I could open my mouth the doorbell rang and Buffy answered it to let Tara in.  
  
"Could you, maybe, wait in the kitchen? I just really need to talk with Tara and I'll be right there." I nodded and stood up, saying hello to Tara as I walked by her and into the kitchen. I poured myself a glass of water and sat down to think. I couldn't hear anything they said, but my link to Buffy was still open and I felt enough through it to know it wasn't Tara's problem they were talking about. I felt a sense of confusion and denial at first, but that shortly became humiliation and overwhelming regret. I waited a few minutes to see if I could pick up anything more specific but finally I just couldn't stand it and went into the living room to see Buffy crying with her face in Tara's lap. My eyes went to Tara looking up at me.  
  
"What happened? Is she okay?" Tara nodded and Buffy sniffed loudly. I moved behind her and placed my hands on her shoulders as I kneeled down beside her. She picked her head up and moved suddenly to wrap her arms around me and squeeze. I heard her in my head begging me not to forgive her, but I brushed it aside and pushed my own feelings across our link to her. Her breath caught in her throat as I felt her realization echo across to me. She pulled me to herself tighter than before and she began to whisper how sorry she was she had used us both. My eyes went to Tara still sitting on the couch as she leaned forward to wrap her arms around both of us, seeming about to cry herself. We sat there for a few minutes until I moved to stand us up and Tara released us. She told us she would see us later and with a look at me went out the door closing it behind her. I picked Buffy up in my arms resting her head against my shoulder and carried her upstairs and to her bed. I slowly undressed her and laid her down in her bed before undressing myself and lying down next to her, pulling her close to me. She'd cried herself out and was laying there silently next to me as our thoughts intertwined, and I relaxed us off into sleep. 


	14. Older? Maybe

It was a week later and in between our time apart we managed to work out a few more of our issues. Mostly little stuff on the same level as leaving the cap off the toothpaste (her) but the big issues had been marginally addressed and almost forgotten. We'd patrolled and talked as we walked exploring our lives and our time apart. Since Giles left I'd been spending a lot of time at the Magic Box on a daily basis trying to almost fill his shoes and failing. Willow, Anya, and even Xander knew more about the texts they had on hand than I did, but I wasn't going to let that stop me. I delved into texts until my head hurt and my eyes burned and had to take a break before going back to work for another fifteen minutes. I did wind up spending more time with Anya as well and found out she was a really good person underneath the expansive commercialism and the stories of hers and Xander sexcapades. I wouldn't exactly call us drinking buddies, but at least she didn't try to get me to buy something every time I walked through the door.  
  
It was in my new researcher capacity that Willow approached me. She'd been going to classes again lately and let me take over the miscellaneous reading for the group. Upside was that I was near the training room and could go work off my language barrier stress on the heavy bag and I'd been helping Buffy out with her training while she helped me out with mine. Downside was being very close to bored to death on a daily basis. Willow came to me one day with her concerned face on and I closed the book in front of me as she sat down next to me at the table.  
  
"What's up?" She smiled nervously before answering me.  
  
"Well, I'm on Buffy's birthday patrol so I'm trying to put together a simple nice party without things going wrong. She's had kind of a bad track record with birthdays; every year it's something different."  
  
"So what exactly do you need from me?" I'd known it was coming up and had something planned, something special, but I hadn't planned on being part of the whole organized party thing.  
  
"Well, I need you to be there in case something bad happens you can take care of it without her having to leave everything and chase it down or something. Also because you're her friend and she needs all the friends she can get." She looked into my eyes like she was worried about me showing up. I wondered how much Buffy'd told her about us, but shrugged it off; I could be there as a friend. I nodded at Willow and her face brightened a bit and she leaned slightly back against her chair.  
  
"I'll be there tomorrow. Do you need any help with decorating or food or anything?"  
  
"Nope, just fighting the old evil kind of thing. Thanks though, I really appreciate it and I know she'd like you to be there." She stood up and with a smile she was gone again. I stared off into space for a minute before reopening the tome in front of me trying again to decipher what it was telling me. Angel had told me how much she like ice skating and about the rink he'd taken her to years ago when they were together. He'd told me how much she'd liked it, but she hadn't been again in a while. My plan was similar but unique; I was just going to wait until the weekend after her birthday to surprise her with it. It would be the first real boyfriend kind of a thing I'd done in a few weeks.  
  
Buffy came in after her morning shift and we worked out for an hour or so before patrol. The plan involved walking through a few cemeteries on patrol and back to my car for the ride to her house. I hadn't spent the night there in about little over a week, but I still spent some time there both with her and sometimes Dawn. As usual, though, no plan survives the first contact with the enemy. This thing, whatever it was, was certainly no vampire. It attacked us from her side and she ducked under its swinging sword and then kicked out at it. She connected but it didn't even look like it felt the blow. I stepped forward with a kick of my own but got hit with a left and had to step back as Buffy stepped forward, sweeping it's legs out dumping it to the ground. I moved forward again to smash its head with my foot, but it dissolved in front of me and my boot found only the earth. I looked at Buffy but she was alright and I was fine, so we split up. We were close enough to her house now that she could make it there pretty quickly and I went back to my car and would meet her there.  
  
When I got there she was in the living room with a bag over her shoulder and Dawn standing watching her make her way to the door. I smelled something that smelled good and guessed Dawn had done some kind of cooking. I smiled at Dawn and looked at Buffy.  
  
"Ready to go?" She nodded and said goodbye to her sister, making sure she'd do her homework, eat, and get to sleep in a timely fashion. We headed out to the car, stowing her bag in the back and headed back to the cemetery. We split up, both of us armed, her with an axe and me with my sword. I heard sounds of a scuffle and rushed back over to see her stab the demon with a sword, its own I'd assume, and a bright flash of light knocked her back. The demon hit its knees and melted into the blade as Buffy slowly got to her feet. I walked over to meet her as she pulled the sword from the ground.  
  
"Ooh, Shiny." She swung it around a few times with an exceptionally pleased with herself smile.  
  
"Nice work. Ready to head home for some dinner?" Her happy face became endangered of turning upside down.  
  
"I'm not to sure I could willingly face Dawn's concoction. I know she means well and I'd love to spend more time with her, but..."  
  
"How about some real food?" Her smile rebounded and she grabbed my arm, swinging against me as we walked back to the car.  
  
"Lead on, kind sir, to the land of pizza." I chuckled, but held open the car door for her and drove us to the closest pizza joint where we ate inside, keeping the mood light talking about childhood memories. We arrived back at her house to find the kitchen cleaned up, the food put away, and Buffy checked on Dawn in her room.  
  
"It's late, I should probably go." She still didn't like my enforced separation from her, but nodded her head and gave me a hug before watching me walk out the front door and closing it behind me. I got into my car and sighed, my thoughts still with her, before I started it up and stopped for gas on the way to the apartment. I reminded myself to call the General tomorrow and ask if I could keep using this place and if I could pay him for the time I'd already spent here. I hit the hay that night and tried to find whatever sleep I could without the comforting presence of my protector.  
  
The next day I swung by the Double-Meat Palace to see Buffy on her break and to let her know I'd be out and about all day. I had to fully prepare her surprise, pick up a spell or two, and swing by a specialty shop. I even headed out of town to scout out the perfect sight, leaving behind a sign that read 'Site reserved for a romantic moment between two people that aren't you.' I chuckled over that one and headed quickly back into town and turned down Revello drive to her house. I parked in the driveway and headed into the brightly lit house to find Dawn and give her a hug and then follow her toward the kitchen to find Buffy, Xander, and Anya.  
  
"A guy? For Buffy?" I was very surprised and stopped in my tracks as I heard Xander try and tap dance out of the Slayer's murderous gaze. Anya, of course had her two cents to throw in.  
  
"I assume that this is an act of kindness?" Xander shrugged. "That'll help with the not throttling. Xander retreated quickly, taking the food out with him to the dining room table. I got a drink and stayed mostly in the background talking with Dawn and was standing in the living room as Xander led some guy through the front door and directly back to the kitchen where Buffy was. So that was the guy. Xander came back into the living room and sat on the couch. I tried to keep from glaring at him and Anya, but I tried in vain. I walked away from them into the kitchen as Dawn started asking about Buffy opening her presents. I walked in to see the one person that couldn't have made me feel any better.  
  
"Spike. What are you doing here?" He glared silently at me and his saggy skinned friend reached out to shake my hand.  
  
"Hi I'm Clem. Are you a friend of Buffy's?" I shook his hand and got the impression of a good person with few vices and only a little bit of darkness. I had to grin at his appearance, but introduced myself politely before turning back to Spike.  
  
"We need to talk." I held open the door to the basement and pushed him forward. He turned around looked at me expectantly. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"Willow told me about it, I figured the more the merrier." I shook my head and walked closer to him till we were standing face to face and I looked dead into his bruised eye.  
  
"With you, there's no such thing, Spike. I can't believe you have the gall to even show your face to me. I've killed men for less, and you aren't even a man." I hit him, knocking against the back wall. I wanted to do more to him, but stopped myself and forced my fists to unclench. Spike didn't deserve all of this. "I'm sorry. Xander invited a friend for Buffy, and I guess I wasn't ready to deal with it yet."  
  
"Seen him, wasn't too impressed." He got slowly to his feet but made no move to strike at me or to back away. "Know what you mean though." We stood in silence for a bit before I spoke again.  
  
"Do me a favor, stay away from her. I'd hate to have to explain dusting you in front of the regular people out there." I turned and made my way up the stairs leaving him to tend to his bleeding lip in the dark. I headed upstairs to the kitchen to replenish my drink I'd left there and to make some small talk with Tara before I caught a glimpse of Buffy and started after her, excusing myself first. By the time I caught up with her she was speaking with Xander and Anya and then Dawn. Instead of following her around the house I decided on an easier way to do this.  
  
'Meet me upstairs when you're ready.' She looked around for a second before her answering thought came.  
  
'Ready for what?' Her tone was mischievous and it brought a smile to my face, doing much to relieve the mild jealousy clouding my judgment.  
  
'Not quite that, I just want to talk for a few minutes.'  
  
'Aww, it's my birthday. I'm supposed to unwrap all my presents.' I made no response and made my way upstairs with a silly grin plastered on my face. I wasn't waiting too long, but it seemed like forever I walked around her room keeping my hands to myself and looking at the pictures on her wall. I felt her at the door before it opened and she stepped inside keeping the light off. She made her way unerringly into my arms and her lips found mine easily in a tender kiss that ended with us both sitting on the edge of her bed. I broke contact and took her hands in mine as I looked into her eyes reflecting the moonlight.  
  
"I've got a surprise for you."  
  
"You do? What kind of surprise? Will I like it?"  
  
"I'm pretty sure you'll like it just fine."  
  
"I like that gleam in your eye, you should do that more often." She leaned forward for another wonderfully sweet kiss.  
  
"So what's up with 'Richard'" I used air quotes, God I'm old.  
  
"I don't know. He seems sweet enough, I guess. Plus he is really cute." She broke into giggles at my affronted face. "Anyone ever tell you you're pretty cute yourself, when you're jealous?" My scowl melted into a half grin as I gave in to her laughter.  
  
"I'm sorry, I can't help it. Plus Spike being here isn't helping anything."  
  
"I know, but I can't kick him out and still be pleasant hosting lady."  
  
"Can I kick him out?" She laughed at the eagerness in my voice, but sobered and put her hand back on my arm.  
  
"As much as I would enjoy seeing that, I don't think that would be too good an idea. Do me a favor?"  
  
"Name it."  
  
"Keep him from terrorizing Richard?" I nodded easily.  
  
"What about me, can I terrorize him?"  
  
"Be nice." Her mock scolding tone ended with my lips on hers and we sat together for another perfect moment before she stood up and went to the door.  
  
"Thank you, for being here."  
  
"I'm here when you need me." She closed the door softly behind her and I sat for a few minutes in the solitude before squaring my shoulders and crossing the hall to the bathroom and splashing some water on my face. I came down the stairs to find Spike brooding in the hall and I brushed past him on my way to the living room. Shortly it was time for presents and Dawn could hardly wait for Buffy to open hers, only to have it brushed slightly to the side when Xander wheeled his beautiful wooden creation into the room. I admit I was in awe of the beauty one man can create, but Dawn's gift was pretty extravagant considering how she must have paid for it. I'd offered her some money for her shopping, but she said she'd saved up for it. I sat down on the couch beside her, but the doorbell rang almost as soon as my pants hit the fabric. Tara got the door as Buffy was thanking them for the gift and in walked someone I think I'd seen at the Double-Meat Palace. She seemed kind of... High Schooly I think is the best term. She spouted off something about her mom, thank you's and dairy but I sat with my arm around Dawn's shoulders and focused on her, rubbing her shoulders gently. Spike shut the door and everyone was introduced to the new arrival.  
  
Shortly the music got turned up and the dancing began, first in short spurts of rhythmic energy and then as more people joined in relaxed jigginess was to be had by all. Well, most anyway. I looked over from my place leaning against the wall to Dawn sitting next to Anya on the couch, looking slightly ignored. I crossed over to her and held out my hand, she took it and moved with me to the open area used by the other dancers. Her smile widened as she moved easily to the beat and then further as she observed my half hearted attempts at making my body conform to the music. I liked to think I was faking most of my clumsiness for laughs, but I knew better. What can I say, I'm too old for this stuff. The next song came on, a slightly older one with a more classic up tempo beat.  
  
"Did you ever take ballet or jazz?" She nodded with a puzzled expression on her face but I smiled as I took her hands and began to spin her through a swing dance. The floor cleared around us and it was all she could do to keep up with her part of the dance as we kicked and spun. I picked her up and brought her around one side of my hip and then the other before tossing her in the air and spinning her around to catch her again and setting her feet on the ground. Her face was excited and her giggles sparkled in the air between us as we finished up the song with some quick whirls and spins ending in an extravagant dip and flourish to the applause from the spectators. Dawn blushed scarlet as I bowed and nudged her to bow beside me before straightening. Buffy was standing in the entryway with a smile on her face and after sitting Dawn down and telling her I'd get her a drink, I moved toward the kitchen and Buffy followed me.  
  
"I didn't know you could dance."  
  
"I used to do it in high school, my cheerleading coach got me into it for a while, but I was nothing compared to my partner. Now she could move. I just tried to keep up."  
  
"Angel never... I mean. It's nice to have someone around who'll dance besides Xander. He tries, but I think his funky bone is kind of twisted; if not completely broken." I poured some punch into a cup and added some ice for Dawn and moved back to Buffy's side.  
  
"Thank you, all gratuities are appreciated." I smirked at her and she slapped my stomach playfully. I gave her a quick kiss on the cheek on my way out and brought Dawn out her drink. Hours passed quickly and I found myself in conversation with almost everyone there except the severely blond party crasher. The evening progressed to board and card games with me winning a few hands of poker, but finding Clem as a tough adversary. We ran out of alcohol, not a big deal for me, I was trying not to drink too much. There was some discussion I think about going out for more, but it didn't happen.  
  
Morning found us lounged around the living room still awake and idly watching cartoons. My eyes were on Buffy as she dealt out cards for her and Spike in whatever game they were playing. Richard said something about having to get to work, but I was up on my way to the bathroom and when I came back down Buffy and Spike were talking by the door.  
  
"I'm actually trying to move right now."  
  
"Me too." I didn't care what was going on, I stepped forward off the last step and backhanded Spike as I turned to Buffy.  
  
"What's going on?"  
  
"I can't get to the door." I looked at the door knob and tried to step forward... and couldn't. What the hell was going on here? I pointedly ignored Spike's glare as he climbed to his feet.  
  
"Well... this can't be good." We gathered everyone together in the living room and tried to talk it over. Everyone seemed to have something else they had to do but none of us could manage to cross the threshold, not even when all of us tried collectively to leave. Comments flew about what or who was holding us here but Dawn was the one to take affront at all of us, as she put it, being stuck in here with her. She stormed out of the room, all eyes following her, and up the stairs to her room. Buffy led the way up the stairs with me following her. The Scoobies and Spike followed us up and into her room to ask her what was going on. She shrieked at us to get out when she'd had enough of 'being talked to like a kid.' I stayed and nodded at Buffy as she left last and headed down the stairs. I sat down on the bed next to her and began broadcasting reassuring and comforting feelings. Slowly I reached out and placed one hand on her head, my eyes closed and my thoughts reaching out to hers. She whimpered and I winced and pull back; I don't want to hurt her. I stroked her hair softly and she pulls away from me.  
  
"Please get out. I don't want you to see me cry." I nodded and patted her shoulder as I stood up and went to the door, turning off the light before closing it. I headed slowly down the stairs to hear them talking about using magic and lamenting the lack of magical supplies, until Willow volunteered that she still had some. The others split up after yelling at Willow. I grabbed Buffy's arm on her way by and pulled her apart from them as I told her that Dawn really didn't know anything about this. She nodded and thanked me quietly as she followed Tara into the kitchen to watch her get ready for the spell. It was afternoon, almost evening really, when the spell was ready and I was standing behind Spike, Willow, and Anya as they strained toward the door waiting for the spell to take effect. I heard Tara's voice from the kitchen tell us to try the door and I pushed forward. I could see Spike clench his hand and Willow tense her back as she tried to force her body forward. Finally Spike relaxed his hand and shook his head.  
  
"Nope, can't." For once I agreed with him. I walked into the kitchen and away from Richard's questions. Only to run back in with Buffy hot on my heals to the sounds of screaming and growling coming, I shortly discovered, from what looked like the demon we fought just the other night. It slashed at Richard and Buffy stepped around me to attack it and I grabbed for him as he fell. It was a bad cut, but I applied pressure and looked around for something to wrap it with just in time to see the Demon melt into the floor. Everyone was quiet as they looked around in surprise or fear and Xander came up behind me to help with Richard. The demon reappeared behind Buffy, slashing downward only to be blocked by Buffy's upraised hands, leaving her open to his answering kick which knocked her to the floor before he disappeared again.  
  
"What was that?"  
  
"That was the demon I killed two nights ago." I was trying to staunch the blood flow from Richard's chest wound and wasn't succeeding.  
  
"How is he?" I looked up and answered Buffy.  
  
"It looks pretty bad. We need a doctor but I'll do what I can. We need to get him upstairs." Xander helped me pick him up and we took him up to Willow's bedroom and got him situated on the bed. I wrapped and bandaged his wound as best I could with what we had on hand and prepared him to wait it out. Over the next few hours before night came on in full effect we set up groups of people to protect us from the demon, assuming it couldn't get out either. Spike watched most of the group downstairs and I watched the rest of us upstairs with Buffy going back and forth between us to check and see if I needed anything. We started hearing rumbling in the walls, the demon moving around I assumed. Everyone was pretty afraid of what was going to happen but I was more worried about keeping Richard alive. Tara helped me clean the wound and coax some water and a pain reliever down his throat. I heard Xander walk past the door and make his way downstairs, and then a male scream.  
  
I wanted to rush downstairs, but if I did I'd be leaving more people unprotected so I stayed put. I heard sounds of a scuffle that ended quickly enough. I waited for the call that would indicate someone else was hurt, but it didn't come. Willow and Tara headed downstairs but I stayed with Richard and tried to keep his mind busy by talking to him. I found out about his home life and the latest work project they were almost done on and how much he enjoyed his job. He struck me as a pretty good guy even though he had no clue about what went on in the world around him. He only spoke once about not wanting to die, but I made certain to squash that idea as quickly as I could and reinforced it with a mental suggestion. He would live, I promised; no one else would die on me again.  
  
I was distracted from that chain of thought by sounds of someone rummaging through things and knocking things over in Dawns room. I heard Xander's muffled voice and hoped he was taking care of it. Next came Dawn's outraged voice and I figured someone besides her was going through her room, but I stayed put. I heard lots of footsteps heading downstairs and the argument, whatever it was about, went with them. I centered my energies and tried to get his body to start healing itself, something I'd seen done only once before, and demonstrated my ignorance when nothing happened. The bleeding was pretty much fully stopped but he'd lost some blood and was still showing signs of shock. Something cut through my link to Buffy and her hurt and humiliation smacked me in the head. I looked down at Richard and put him to sleep with a thought before hurrying down the stairs, hearing Anya yell out for someone name Hallie to get her ass down there. I saw a demon morph in a second before our demon appeared behind her, stabbing her through the gut.  
  
The fight was on, after a second of shock at what happened to Hallie, with Spike and I rushing it from behind to help out the Slayer. The Demon was knocked around between us as it knocked Buffy back and then me only to disappear again. We didn't even get a second as it attacked from the side and Spike grabbed it as I kicked it. I stepped forward to grab its other arm and knee it in the chest to make it drop its sword. Spike yelled out to grab it, which Buffy did as it got away from us and ran toward the wall. She threw it at me and I stabbed it into the wall, some kind of weird blue light energy shining everywhere. I pulled out the sword to see the demons visage imposed on the blade. I handed it to Buffy who broke it over her knee to another flash of light.  
  
"The pendant, we have to get the pendant." Anya and Buffy both rushed for the fallen demon who sat up with a start and with a wave sent Anya crashing back to the couch. I watched the scene play out in front of me between the vengeance demon and the ex as they argued about the spell that had been cursed against us. The only thing that surprised me was Hallie recognizing Spike as William. That was a thought for another day. The gradual explanation of why Hallie had cursed us because of Dawn's wish slowly came to light piece by piece. It was only after she pronounced her full curse upon us in her little speech that she realized what she had done. Her spell prevented anyone from leaving Dawn... anyone; including her now that she was here. She sheepishly acknowledged Anya's pointing out of this fact and released her spell from the house.  
  
Willow and Tara went to the kitchen to get the magic stuff gathered together and Xander followed me upstairs to wake up Richard and help him down the stairs to the front door.  
  
"You have some weird friends."  
  
"News from the file marked 'Duh'. We're gonna get him to the ER."  
  
"Think it wore off?"  
  
"Only one thing left to do." Spike crossed to the door and opened it, letting it swing open against me. The group followed us out one at a time looking at the stars and the grass. I did hear Clem say he liked the party before he took off. After I got Richard into the back of Xander's car I headed back up to the front of the house, brushing against Spike on his way out. I stood at the threshold looking in at Buffy and Dawn. I smiled as I glanced at the retreating figures behind me and then turned back around to face them as I closed the door.  
  
"Who's hungry for some dinner?" The answering grins on both of their faces made this the right course of action. Discovering only a few supplies in the refrigerator ensured some creativeness on my part and it almost wound up completely ruined but in the end I think the dish my mother called casserole and my dad called goulash turned out alright. Anyway, it could have been worse... I think. Alright, so I gave up and ordered in. The important thing was that we stayed together in the house that night watching TV and talking. All of us fell asleep on or against the couch together with the empty ice cream bowls on the table in front of us.  
  
Waking up the next morning was both hard and easy. Hard because after staying up the entirety of the night before, waking up with the sun isn't fun. Easy because the curtains were wide open and the blaring of cartoons ensured that I could not stay there in restful slumber any longer. I stood up from my place on the floor leaning against the couch and first turned down the TV and then closed the blinds. Checking my watch to ensure it was really Saturday I made my way to the kitchen and cleaned up my mess from the night before and pulled out the ingredients for some simple omelets and greased down the frying pan and set it to warm. I cracked the eggs and started on the first one before starting half a pot of some good coffee I found in the back of the cupboard.  
  
The sounds of motion and Buffy's morning groan answered the aroma drifting into the living room. I smiled and poured some juice into a glass on the table and then flipped the omelet onto the plate with fresh fruit already on it and placed it in the middle of the place setting I'd arranged first just as she came strolling into the kitchen to survey my handiwork. I stood with my hands wide as she took in the vase with the single flower from the backyard in it, the clean placement of plate silverware glass and napkin, and a leather gift type bag all sitting on the kitchen table. Her hand went to her mouth in surprise and pleasure. I crossed the room to take her hand and lead her to the table and held out her chair for her. I pushed the bag in front of her gesturing for her to open it.  
  
"You are unbelievable. Thank you."  
  
"I couldn't give you this the other night, too many questions." She opened the bag and her eyes widened as she looked inside, moving green light reflecting from her already green eyes. She slowly reached into the bag with her hand and pulled out a green sphere about the size of one of her fists that was flat on the bottom and that I already knew was constantly cold to the touch. She set it beside her plate on the counter and looked back up at me.  
  
"What does it do?"  
  
"That's the surprise. You'll find that out later today, if you're up for it." She nodded and smiled her mischievous smile at me.  
  
'I'm always up for it.' Her thought put an answering grin on my face. I scooped up the orb and tossed it back in the bag as Dawn came in and silently crossed to the fridge to pour herself a glass of juice.  
  
"You want an omelet Dawnie?" She shook her head silently at me as she drank her juice. I mentally shrugged and started one for myself. We let the silence fill the air for the course of the meal but I had to make sure it was okay with Dawn for us to head out today.  
  
"Hey, Dawn, I've still got to give Buffy her birthday gift today. Would you be alright staying here with Willow?"  
  
"I guess. Look, I'm sorry guys. About everything that happened last night. And before." I nodded, we'd been trying to reassure her the entire night after everybody left that it was okay, but she hadn't apologized before just now. Willow came down just as we were finishing up and I told her we'd be gone all day, she said she was cool with staying with Dawn all day, she didn't have any other plans. Willow helped me clean up the kitchen after I whispered to Buffy what to pack. She was ready half an hour later, cleaned and polished. We said goodbye to Dawn and Willow before throwing her bags in the back seat and hitting the road.  
  
As soon as we were on our way she reached over and put her hand on my thigh and I scooped it up with my left, driving and shifting with my right. I played with her fingers and glanced at her often. And though I could feel her curiosity playing on the edges of my consciousness she never once asked where we were going on our many houred trip. I parked off the side of the road in a clearing and popping the trunk. She carried her big bag, leaving the smaller one in the car, while I carried two bags: one large on my back and a smaller one I'd strapped to the back of it. We set off through the woods at a moderate pace which slowed slightly as it got thicker. We made our way out the other side of the woods across a tall grass clearing that gave way to even lighter vegetation and shorter grass. The clearing finally came to a slight ridge and as we crested it we looked down on a pristine lake and my sign. We stopped and looked down on the quiet and peaceful scene untouched by civilization in any way.  
  
We put our bags down against a large tree and pulled out towels to dry off a bit. I told her to go ahead and get cleaned up and into some dryer clothes. It was still chilly outside being January, but it was also the middle of the day and we'd just hiked a few miles. I wondered if she would have any problems with changing out in the open, but she quickly proved that she had no qualms at all. I untied the smaller bag from the larger and opening it, pulled out the leather gift bag I'd giver her earlier and set it aside. I handed her the other bag, the one I'd pulled the leather one out of, and laughed at her shocked expression as she looked inside and pulled out a brand new pair of good ice skates in her size. She looked at me confused and I got her to put them down and took her hand to lead her to the edge of the lake, more of a pond really. I held the leather bag open and she pulled out the glowing green sphere. I took her hand in mine and placed it so the flat side was facing down with her fingers on top and then she placed it carefully on top of the water. The orb floated serenely for a second before it flashed a bright light and the lake stood still. She gasped and stepped back before bending down and touching first her fingertips and then her open palm to the now frozen surface of the lake.  
  
"How did you do that?"  
  
"Borrowed magic." I got her to try on her skates while I pulled mine out from my bag and joined her on the ice. We took a few laps around hand in hand, admiring the scenery and the animals. I pointed out a rabbit that was lapping at the edge of the lake and how the ripple extended for just inches from his nose before dying out. We stopped at the center of the lake and I pointed down at the fish still visible beneath us. The lake was frozen for us, but without the biting cold of actually frozen water and the animals encountered no resistance whatsoever between them and the water. We made it back around to our starting point and I stopped and gestured for her to do a few laps on her own. I watched her move across the ice as though she was born for it. She turned, jumped and spun; changing feet and skating backwards. I was struck by the simple beauty of her precise physical action and at the spirit it took to create such simple beauty in this world. Her peace and relaxed joy radiated from her face like a second sun and I blinked and had to look away for the portable player and speakers I pulled from my bag. She looked up and smiled at the classical sounds of a romantic song and held out her hand as I moved across the ice to join her. We moved slowly in time to the music and danced across the ice for what seemed like hours; perfect hours.  
  
"About ready?" She was sitting down taking off her skates and putting back on her shoes as she asked me. I nodded and followed her lead before reaching further into my bag for some simple food supplies, camping fare mostly, and moved to the pile of wood I'd already prepared. Concentration and a few magical words later and I had a crackling fire going. Leaving the fire we moved back to the lake shore and the still glowing sphere sitting on the surface. I showed her how and then had her pick up the sphere and put it in the bag as the magic faded from the lake restoring it to it's normal liquid appearance. When we got back to the fire she put her hands to the flames, the retreating sun and the wind cooling us enough where the fire was most welcome. I pulled her against me where I was propped against the log behind me. She relaxed against me as I wrapped my arms around her until dinner was ready and we kept close proximity as we ate. After both of us were full and the pot was empty we continued to cuddle for a few minutes before I reached into the side pocket of my bag for the makings of smores. I answered her grin and we chuckled like little kids as we cooked our marshmallows and stuck them to our chocolate bars and graham crackers. I laughed hard bringing tears to my eyes as she stuffed eight marshmallows into her mouth at once.  
  
Shortly it really was time to go and we packed up our bags with her carrying her skates. She'd changed again while I was cleaning up the food and started putting out the fire. She helped me make sure the fire was out and we started our way back in the last vestiges of twilight. I set out unerringly on our course, occasionally checking direction with the stars and we made it back to the car more than a few hours later. I grinned as I saw her halter top in the light from the open trunk as we stowed our gear. Closing the trunk she pulled me close to her, wrapping her arms around me and leaning her full body against me.  
  
"Thank you for a perfect day. It's been a long time since I've had a birthday I could just enjoy."  
  
"I want you to enjoy every part of this day, you deserve it." Eventually we separated our lips and our bodies and climbed into the car to head back into the city holding hands. We got to her house late that night and checked on Dawn and Willow, both asleep, before taking turns in the shower and making our way into her bed. She enjoyed every part of that day; you can take my word for it. And I slept better than I had in weeks. 


	15. Boy scout

I sat in my car a few weeks later outside the dreaded Double-Meat Palace, watching the motion in the light. I'd already swept through most of the cemeteries with minimal action, only two vamps. I watched Buffy's figure move from the back to the sitting area and check under tables and let my thoughts follow hers. It wasn't too long though before the manager guy left and she made another round of the tables before locking the front door on her way out. I stood up getting out of the car and moved to the passenger seat to hold it open for her. Buffy could change faster than anyone I knew, it seemed like just two minutes ago she was in her work clothes. She walked up and hugged me before getting in the car. As soon as I got in I smelled the burger smell, but courteously ignored it; no need to rub her nose in her decision.  
  
"I heard that." I looked at her surprised.  
  
"Heard what?"  
  
"I heard you in my head when you smelled the smell." I guess our bond must be getting stronger, only problem was I didn't know how to close it, not like I really wanted to anyway.  
  
"Have you heard anything else I've been thinking?"  
  
"Some, but I mostly ignore it." I grinned as an idea came to me. She smiled a second later as she 'heard' me.  
  
"Mostly?" The car was now parked in a dark and empty parking lot but still running as she agreed and jumped on top of me, her lips furious.  
  
"Mostly." She whispered.  
  
We did finally make it back to her house, to find Willow and Dawn in the kitchen. We chatted there for a bit before Dawn and Willow headed out for the Bronze after inviting us out with them. Buffy looked at me, the thought clear in her mind. I followed her idea with a smile as I grabbed the popcorn and she grabbed the drinks and headed into the living room to find a movie somewhere. I joined her quickly and curled up with her on the sofa under the comforter she'd pulled out of the closet. I don't remember what we were watching, but we didn't talk the whole night as we cuddled and relaxed together.  
  
I woke to the sound of a garbage truck rolling by and the answering groan from the blond beside me. I heard her in my head say the word garbage. I nodded at her and headed out to try and stop the truck while she headed back to get the two full trash bags. Unfortunately the driver decided I was just making his day longer and almost ran me over as he sped past me just as Buffy came out the front door. I put my hands in the air and sighed as she turned and walked back into the house asking me to get the mail. Dawn was eating breakfast when I came in and looked up to wave at my good morning with her mouth still full. So far we'd been getting up still before Dawn, so I don't think she knew that Buffy and I were even together, let alone we'd had problems lately. Buffy came in the back door after leaving the bags in the back and went straight to the pile of mail. Dawn wished Buffy a good morning and reminded her sister that it was garbage day. Buffy's answer was less than enthused. She opened one letter and as she read it her demeanor fell. She did respond to Dawn, saying it was nothing and folding it back up, but she seemed distracted.  
  
"Where are you going?" Like I said, distracted.  
  
"School."  
  
"Don't you want breakfast first?"  
  
"Already made it." Dawn seemed maybe just a little worried as she said goodbye to her sister and left out the front door. I moved to the sink and got started on the dishes as Buffy came up behind me, her hands on my back.  
  
"What would I do without you?" Her voice was close to my ear.  
  
"The dishes?" She slapped my arm affectionately and moved beside me to dry and put away the dishes I'd washed.  
  
"So what are you doing today?"  
  
"Well, I promised The General I'd meet him to check out his new toy and then to lunch. And then later I am enjoying dinner with you."  
  
"But I'll be working."  
  
"And I will subject my body to the risks that come with the eating of vegetable meat and be there to see you around your break time." I finished up the last dish and dried my hands before moving behind her, my hands on her back. I put my face close to her neck and breathed in her wonderful before burger scent before gently kissing her neck. I chuckled as her skin pimpled up and she shivered slightly. She turned around in my arms and pushed herself up against me, her lips finding mine for a long blissful minute. She broke our kiss and turned back around as she continued to dry. I glanced at my watch.  
  
"What time does your shift start?" She looked at the clock and cursed. I took that as a bad sign. She dried her hands and put down the towel before kissing me again and running upstairs. I picked up the towel and finished drying the other dishes and then wiped down the counter. I brushed up the kitchen a little bit before heading out back and taking the garbage bags to my car, carefully putting them inside the trunk. Seeing the still new clothes Dawn and I had bought and moving them to the backseat made my thoughts go to Buffy where she was in the shower and a smile sprung onto my face.  
  
'I'm gonna go take care of the garbage. Have a good day and I'll see you later.' Her response was a little faltering as she phrased her thoughts, but she didn't seem freaked out by it.  
  
'See you later. Be careful. Boys with toys...' I grinned and sent her a psychic kiss that started at her lips and moved down to her neck and slowly down her back and around to her stomach. My grin got wider as I felt her response and pulled back my mind as I got in the car and headed to the apartment. I dumped the bags in the dumpster out front and headed up to shower and shave and to change my clothes before heading back out. I met him at the range on base where he was waiting for me.  
  
"How you doin', chief?"  
  
"I'm good, really good. Everything worked out and we're doing very well. Thanks again, by the way, for letting me stay in your apartment."  
  
"Hey, not a problem. I probably won't need that place for a long time, the way my marriage is going right now."  
  
"So what you got for me?" Turns out he had a few different toys for us to play with. A new assault weapon, exploding ammunition and a few other things that Hollywood would've loved to get their hands on. Turns out he also had a few new rounds developed from the Initiative experiments: Hard wood, silver rounds, Holy water explosive tipped rounds. There were a few others but the problem, he told me, is the lack of effective targets. He needed a favor. He needed me to try them out on actual threats.  
  
"You're still in the computer as an operator, so even if the police do have a problem with what you do, they're just going to call me to come get you."  
  
"Sounds good. How many do you have for me?" He had plenty and more if I needed them. We stuck around for a while putting rounds downrange using the rifle and both our pistols before we cleaned up and headed out to lunch. After a very nice soup and sandwich we headed over to the apartment to clean the weapons. He walked in and looked around the apartment.  
  
"Looks more or less like I left it. Don't remember these though." He'd headed into the bedroom and was admiring my work. "You really got good at that therapy shit didn't you? I never got past the fruit stuff. Is this the problem you had?" He was holding up the one of Buffy with Spike; I just nodded. "So is he dead or just wishing he was dead?" I finally smiled a little before I answered him.  
  
"Dead, but that happened before I drew that." His eyebrows shot up but he didn't ask. "Vampire." His eyebrows stayed where they were, but his eyes got wide.  
  
"Wait, your girl... the Slayer, was with a... Vampire? And he's not some pile of dust blowing in the wind? She's still alive, isn't she?" I put a hand up to stop the rest of the questions and began explaining step by step what had happened. By the time I finished we both had drinks in our hands and he was sitting in the big easy chair staring at my face with rapt attention.  
  
"Wow. I gotta tell you, I figured you would just fight about it and maybe get a little physical with it; I know how that makes you feel." I smiled as the memories he spoke of sprang to mind, but I pulled back.  
  
"We did fight it out and we talked as we fought, but in the end she needed me and that's why I'm there for her. I love her, Butler; more than I ever thought possible. When was the last time you heard me say that?"  
  
"Never. You got it bad, son." We were silent as I sat down and pulled out the cleaning supplies for us to get started on our pistols. We went through about half a bottle before we got done and he said goodbye for the night and headed out for dinner with his wife.  
  
"Hey, if you aren't gonna use this place, do you mind if I stay here? How much a month is it?"  
  
"I have no problem with that at all. Don't worry about the rent, it's already paid for. Just let me know if you need anything else." I nodded and shook his hand, conveying my heartfelt thanks for our friendship with that grip.  
  
"Take care of yourself... and her." His parting words reminded me of Angel's and I felt a pang as I realized I still hadn't told her everything about why I was here. I'd take care of that tonight, I promised myself as I got dressed after my shower. Getting into the car I headed out to meet Buffy. I went inside to ask the guy behind the counter where she was.  
  
"Damned if I know. She ducked out of here about ten minutes ago with some guy dressed in black." He sounded pretty pissed off, but he wasn't my problem; Buffy was. I hopped back in the car and traced my psychic link to find a very distracted and slightly confused Buffy heading downtown. I tore out of the parking lot in pursuit.  
  
I did finally find her walking down the road wearing her black coat over her work clothes and walking next to a tall man in black she seemed to be talking to. I pulled up to a stop beside them to get out and walk around the front of the car.  
  
"Hey." She turned to look at me and she smiled. She seemed okay, so I guess it was probably something important she'd left work for. My attention turned to the man standing next to her and recognition appeared on his scarred face. Riley Finn? What was he doing here?  
  
"Sergeant McBoom? What are you doing here?" Buffy chimed in for me.  
  
"He's kind of helping me out right now."  
  
"Oh." He looked back at me and continued, "I see. God it's been what, 5, 6 years?"  
  
"Something like, Finn. And I just go by Jake now. How've you been? Who do they have you attached though these days?"  
  
"Demon affairs detachment of Special Ops, Col Hagery commanding."  
  
"Old 'Hosiery' is commanding that unit? God, wait till I tell Butler. So what are you doing here?"  
  
"Sovolte Demon. Been tracking it for two days straight." He paused as something attached to his belt went off. He pulled an advanced tracking device out and consulted it. "It's on the move. And it's close."  
  
"Well, get in." They jumped in the car; Finn moving bags around until he could fit. Buffy raised her eyebrows when she saw the labels on the bags but was silent. And we were on our way. Finn read off direction, bearing and distance, but then paused and spoke again.  
  
"Thanks for doing this, guys. There are not many people in the world I could ask to risk their lives for me."  
  
"I know that I for one have no problem serving alongside an agent like you, I know how fun it can be. Nice scar by the way." I could hear the smile in his voice but didn't turn around to see it.  
  
"You too." I glanced at Buffy's face, enjoying her smile and the scarlet on her cheeks. We rounded a corner and saw people running toward us, some of them screaming.  
  
"Looks like we're in the right place." I stopped and we clambered out of the car, running toward the commotion.  
  
"You ready for this?" He asked Buffy.  
  
"Yes please." And with those motivational words we joined the fray. Finn yelled something about the forestry service, but my concentration was on this thing in front of us. I swung on it and got out of the way as Buffy's kick knocked it down. Finn moved in and it knocked him back as it stood back up. I tried coming in from the side and flanking it but it turned and hit me and I spun into the wall. When I looked up again it was gone, jumping onto the roof.  
  
"We need to split up." I noticed Riley had his pistol in his hand.  
  
"Did you tag it?" He nodded. "Good, give me the frequency and I can go my own way." We went to the back of my car and I opened the trunk and pulled out some of the gear I'd pulled out of storage on my way here from LA. I shed my shirt and pulled on some lightweight Kevlar, an older version of what Finn now wore. I grabbed a belt and clipped it around over that and then attached a few toys to it. I offered Buffy a few things, but she shook her head.  
  
"I was never big with the gadgets." I smiled as I pulled my gun out from my pants and put it into the holster on the belt and reached further into the trunk to pull out a tranquilizer rifle and checked to make sure it was loaded. I held out my RF tracking device and tuned it into the frequency Riley read off of his.  
  
"You got wheels?"  
  
"Oh, I got wheels. Don't you remember I was a boy scout?" I smiled. We used to call them boy scouts before they finished the agent training program; they always had to be ready for anything. We split up and Buffy went with Finn in his SUV and we both peeled out chasing that signal. My thoughts went with Buffy as I drove. If I concentrated hard enough I could hear what she said.  
  
"I've heard you call people Sergeant before, and I've heard him say Sergeant before, but I've never heard you say it like how you call him."  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"Like all respecty and stuff; like he was your boss."  
  
"He trained me to fight, helped me learn how to think. I'd follow him to hell with a smile on my face; because I know he'd lead me back out again after we won." I heard respect and faith with just a little bit of humor in his voice and it gave me a huge warm and fuzzy.  
  
"Wow. So, did you learn a lot from him?" I tuned it out and closed my walls back up. His SUV continued straight and I veered off to the right on a side street that would take me to the dam. I circled around to the right and he went left, but we both narrowed in on the same place. I left my car at one side and I saw them start across the catwalk and stop as I made my way across to meet them. Buffy looked almost perfect in the black tactical gear.  
  
"Down we go?" She asked.  
  
"Looks that way."  
  
"Well, Mr. Finn, got an extra jet pack for a girl like me?"  
  
"Sorry, fresh out of jet packs, looks like we'll have to share." I walked out of the shadows behind Finn.  
  
"We'll go parallel." I said. Finn nodded and Buffy looked at me.  
  
"Parallel? What goes parallel?"  
  
"Our lines are only built for one. If we each take a hold of you, we can share the weight." While he spoke Finn was securing his line. I stepped up and secured mine next to his. We looked at each other and stepped over the railing and held out the inside hand to Buffy. She took my right hand and stepped over the railing. With my right arm and Finn's left arm around her back and her holding each of our necks, we began our descent. Hitting the ground Finn and I split our directions of attention and began moving toward where we suspected the demon was. He moved forward past me and got knocked sideways by the demon stepping out of the shadows.  
  
I stepped forward and planted a kick on its chest before I got spun around with a blow to the face, just in time for Buffy to grab its head and throw it forward into Finn's fists. We worked as a team as we fought it, Buffy and I with our mental link knew where the other was without looking, and Finn and I sharing the same training. I got knocked down and Buffy stepped in to get twisted about with Finn and kicked it in the head but got thrown to the wall, Buffy first. I kicked it again in the head and it looked like it would stay down for a few. I looked first at Buffy and Finn who were oblivious to all but each other, and then to the high tenser wire rope that dropped down next to the wall. I looked up in time to see a brunette dressed the same as Finn dropping down it. She ignored me, but looked at the two of them standing together and asked a question.  
  
"Hey there. What exactly are you doing with my husband?" Way to go Finn. I felt Buffy's shock and she didn't say anything for a minute, just looked at Finn. I had to wonder just what had gone on between them. Finally Buffy decided to clarify.  
  
"Husband? Wife? And those aren't like code names like big dog or falcon. I didn't think so." Finn introduced his wife as Sam and introduced Sam to Buffy.  
  
"Pleasure."  
  
"Demon." Buffy said it a half second before I got hit from behind. I kicked it from where I was on the ground.  
  
"Mine." Sam waded in with both fists and feet as she began beating the demon back. I was quickly on my feet and took a second to watch her work before joining in. The two of us worked pretty well and she actually took my lead in the pattern of attack, working well with me. She did eventually get knocked down, though, and I heard Finn break his conversation with Buffy to step in beside me and hit it with the stun prod. Sam was back on her feet shortly and joined back in, but Buffy hung back, thinking. I glanced back at one of her thoughts and got knocked in the head for it as Buffy finally came forward.  
  
"Call this my wedding present." She said as she took it by the head and broke its neck. "Call that mission accomplished."  
  
"She killed it." Something in the way he said it didn't sound right.  
  
"Oh honey, that's okay."  
  
"Okay? Wait you guy's have been tracking this thing as a couple for two days straight and you did want it dead, right?." Buffy shared my confusion.  
  
"Let me guess, Captain Can-do over here forgot to mention this was a homing operation." I liked Sam's style.  
  
"Wait, you accepted our help and you didn't tell us you were just following this thing? And then you brought us in here without a tactical back brief in what was not a nothing-left-standing op? How much have you forgotten to learn in the last five years, Finn?" I was a little pissed off, I guess. I mean: I had trained him, I expected better.  
  
"And you are?"  
  
"Sam, this is Sergeant First Class McBoom. He was one of my instructors in the agent training program. Sergeant, this is my wife, Sam."  
  
"Charmed. I retired, by the way, and reverted to an inactive agent status. He just calls me Sergeant for old time's sake. You can call me Jake." We shook hands and I not only liked her strong grip but her surface persona was truer to herself than any I've come across in a long time. It was almost refreshing.  
  
"It's nice to finally meet both of you. Finn, how could you recruit the slayer and a higher level agent without filling them in on the objective? If we weren't on a serious time restraint I would seriously consider ripping you a new one. May I?" Finn handed her a knife and she bent to work on cutting open the demon.  
  
"What is a homing operation?" I'd forgotten Buffy didn't know what we were talking about.  
  
"A homing op is when we harass a target until it leads us to what we know it has. No serious harm is done to the target, so it thinks it's running from us to its safe house where it is likely to hide those things we might want from it." That was straight out of the book, not bad for not teaching it in four years.  
  
"Damn, we're too late." Sam had cut open the gut to reveal nothing but yellow green intestine. She stood up and wiped off the blade before handing it back to Finn.  
  
"It's my fault, already; stand down soldier."  
  
"He's your boss too?" Buffy found that rather humorous. I did too, but didn't consider it likely.  
  
"He wishes." Sam spoke with a smirk. "Speaking of safe houses, I'd hate to burden you further, but we need one."  
  
"I've got a house, and I think it's safe."  
  
"I don't think that's a great idea. I'm staying in an actual safe house, registered to no-one, and it's clean."  
  
"I don't think my house is that dirty." Indignant Buffy was almost cuter than regular Buffy.  
  
"I think he means from surveillance, Buffy." Thank you Sam. I went on with the planning.  
  
"Alright Buffy, you and Finn have some catching up to do, and if it's alright with you, Finn, I'd like a back brief as well; so you take Buffy and I'll take your charming wife and you can follow us to where food, shelter, and warm water await." The Finn's nodded as one and began heading back to where their tenser lines hung waiting. I grabbed Buffy's arm and pulled her back.  
  
"You alright with this?"  
  
"Yeah, I'll be fine. Just a bit of a shock is all. I mean, Riley's married. We really need to catch up." I held onto her arm for a long second staring into her eyes and feeling her cold echo back across our link. She was withdrawing from me, pulling back physically and mentally. We didn't have time to have a talk about her feeling like she didn't belong. What I got from her was more than just the normal level of still coping with being brought back; she felt that we were better at this than she was. She really felt that she didn't belong fighting with us, didn't feel she was good enough. I wanted to pull her into a hug, but an emotional conversation and possible breakdown in front of her ex is not something she would appreciate. Reluctantly I let go her arm and she walked over to where Sam beckoned her. It would be easier for the two of them to go up together on the one rope.  
  
"By the way, dig the outfit." I got a mental grin from her as she disappeared above me. I made my way to my line and went up it, Finn keeping pace with me. I shrugged aside my worries as, like most things usually wind up between men, it turned into a competition which he almost beat me at. Almost.  
  
"Good job, at least you've kept in shape." He nodded with a rueful grin and took his cable with him as he made his was to the SUV. I waited for Sam to untangle her line and led the way to the car where I stowed the extra gear I wouldn't need.  
  
"Very nice, '69 right?" She climbed into the passenger seat.  
  
"Yeah, thanks. So how long have you been married?"  
  
"Almost four months. Been kind of a wild ride." She went on to talk about how they met and then their wedding and finally about the journey that brought them out of South America and into our backyard. I drove within the speed limit as we made our way back to my apartment, chatting all the way. I very carefully kept my mind away from Buffy, letting them have their privacy, as I learned all I could from Sam. By the time we arrived I'd heard more than what I needed about their personal lives, their professional lives, and her pleasure at meeting both the real live Slayer and one of the men who, as she put it, helped shape Finn into the man she loved.  
  
We arrived at the apartment complex and battle parked our vehicles, backing them in, before heading up to my front door. I was the first one in and was followed by Finn as I made my way to the bedroom. I collected my drawings as his gaze followed them around the room. I did manage to conceal the one of Spike and Buffy from him, but he was still silent as we looked at each other. He nodded his understanding and helped me pick the rest of them up, handing them to me.  
  
"They're good."  
  
"Thanks." We headed back into the living room to find Buffy and Sam with drinks in front of them and Buffy on the phone with, I presumed, Willow.  
  
"They'll be here in fifteen minutes. They're walking." She said, hanging up, and then going to the kitchen to ask if Finn and I wanted a drink. I shook my head as Finn asked for a glass of water, which she poured quickly, before joining us in the living room.  
  
"Okay, so what's the plan now?"  
  
"I don't know how much Sam filled you in on, but we have a black market dealer in the area who's selling the eggs we're looking for. Money has been exchanged, but we can't really track him down. When the gang gets here, they can start on background and possible whereabouts of the dealer who calls himself the Doctor."  
  
"And we'll split up into two or more teams and do the foot work?" I broke in with the obvious conclusion to the plan.  
  
"Right. So who goes with whom?" Before he could answer Sam's question the door bell rang and Xander was on the other side.  
  
"Whoa, soldier boys all around. And girls." I looked at the picture as he probably saw it. Four people dressed in black, three of us with weapons, two of us scarred, all of us deadly; sitting around the living room of a small apartment sipping drinks and eating chips. I almost laughed at it myself. Behind him came the whole troop of Dawn, and Willow. I guess Anya was at the house with the family in for their wedding.  
  
"You guys got here fast."  
  
"I was just pulling up when Willow and Dawn came running out and climbed into the car. So here we are and I feel horribly underdressed." Dawn came over and gave me a hug before walking over to Finn.  
  
"Agent Finn returns." She didn't seem too happy to see him. Sam was introduced to all around and the plan was broken down. Willow nodded at my laptop and asked if I minded her using it to try and track this guy down. I nodded; I trusted her after all. I looked at Buffy and saw her gaze stuck on Riley's and Sam's clasped hands. She shook herself and looked up at me standing behind her with an almost lost expression on her face. I wrapped my arm around her shoulders but she pulled away from me and took the last available seat.  
  
"Anybody hungry before we get started? It could be a long night." I offered my household food to any and all famished warriors, with no takers.  
  
"Two teams, no civilians. Sergeant McBoom and I will hunt down some leads on the doctor, you two find that nest." I nodded at Finn's plan, but Buffy seemed surprised.  
  
"Me and Sam together?"  
  
"You come across a Sovolte you'll want her at your back." Sam had her own reservations about holding Buffy back, but Buffy suddenly changed direction and told us to go.  
  
"Xander, you okay to stay with Dawn?" He nodded and Finn stood up with Sam close behind. We broke up and left Willow there with the phone and the computer as Xander took Dawn with him back to Buffy's house. Sam and Buffy headed off walking toward the closest cemetery and Finn followed my lead as we headed on foot towards the closest demon dive. It seemed like he'd done this before, he knew exactly who to talk to and beat up for information. We tracked the rumors of the Doctor to two more places before we got the lead we needed, but it wasn't what I expected.  
  
"Spike? I can hardly believe it."  
  
"His chip has pacified him, but it hasn't reformed him. He's still an evil, immoral, soulless beast. This doesn't surprise me a bit; I'm just a little disappointed Buffy didn't know about it before." We were silent as we made our way to the cemetery Spike had his crypt in. Right before we headed in, he stopped me.  
  
"Look, Sarge, I know I could never try to give you an order, so consider this friendly advice. Don't hurt her... ever." His voice was deadly serious and I could tell he'd been thinking about saying this for a while.  
  
"I love her. I know you probably still do too, in your own way, but you know me. I won't let it happen." He nodded, accepting my answer to his worried heart, and we moved on into the cemetery. We approached the door to Spike's crypt flanking it on either side. He opened it and I followed him in to stop dead in my tracks.  
  
I turned and walked out with the sight of them together, naked on his tomb under a sheet, still fresh in my mind as I first walked and then ran away from the second betrayal in a month. I managed to make it back to my apartment and past Willow into my room before my eyes let loose the feelings I had inside. As I lost control of my emotions, the room around me started to vibrate and things flew across it to smash themselves against the far wall. Willow knocked quietly and the door unlocked itself for her. I think I did it without thinking, but she didn't seem to notice and moved to sit across from me on the bed.  
  
I don't know what happened, but as her gaze met mine, a level of control became possible. She held my gaze and then my hands with her own as she mentally helped me, pushed me, to center myself. Gradually I could concentrate enough to hear the soothing thoughts she sent me and I began to breathe again. I blinked a few times rapidly and dropped her hands. I looked around the shambled room including the scattered drawings of Buffy spread across the floor and through the open door to the trashed living room before back at her face.  
  
"What happened?" Her voice was soothing, without a touch of accusation. Her face was worried. My breath was still coming in gasps as my body came back under my control, but I tried to answer her.  
  
"Buffy-" I stopped, remembering her not wanting me to tell anyone else. It was too late now, I suppose; Finn already knew anyway.  
  
"What about her?"  
  
"Her and Spike... I saw them together... in his crypt... together." Her eyes grew wide as realization sunk in.  
  
"Spike...?" Her voice trailed away and we both sat there for a long time before I pulled out my cell phone and turned it off, tossing it across the room. I stood up and went to the kitchen and the waiting bottle there, feeling Willow follow me.  
  
"Drink...?" I asked after I'd had a few swigs myself. She took a swig, more to be polite I think than to really start drinking. I poured some into a glass with ice and put the cap back on the bottle, leaving it on the counter as I walked into the bathroom to piss and wash my hands. My eyes caught my face in the mirror and on the scar I'd gotten because of her standing out on my face. My fist lashed out, cracking the mirror and cutting my hand before I went back into the living room to finish my glass quickly. Willow came over with a paper towel to grab my hand and try and stop the bleeding. I only looked at it after she touched it and paused at the tenderness in that touch. I wasn't worthy of that touch, couldn't she see that? I was gentle as I pulled her hands away from mine and looked at the cut to pull out a small shard of glass and then closed my eyes. The words of a simple healing spell stopped the bleeding and began to close the wound quickly. I opened my eyes to see Willow staring at me and I realized what I'd just done.  
  
"Sorry, I forgot. It just seemed simpler than making a big deal out of it, and I don't deserve anyone else to care for me and my own mistakes."  
  
"How can you say that? You're too good for that talk." She seemed surprised, like she didn't see it, but that wasn't possible. "It's okay about the magic; I just didn't know you could do that is all." She stood up and went to the kitchen to get the bottle and came back to refill my glass.  
  
"Thanks." I couldn't kick her out without hurting her feelings, so as long as she was here I should at least be polite. I was surprised to see her take her own long swig from the bottle.  
  
I was still mostly sober when Finn stopped by to say goodbye to Willow and me. He made sure he had my number, but didn't say anything about Buffy, for which I was thankful, as Willow continued to rub my shoulders until he left, shaking my hand on the way out. I remember looking back at her and thinking something, but I don't remember what it was, before darkness claimed me. 


	16. My head hurts

My head hurt. That was my first conscious thought that morning. I don't know what I'd been doing the night before, but it couldn't have been good. Against my better judgment I cracked open an eye to see if I could get the elephant off of my head. No elephant, just some sharply blinding light and a full bladder. Finally the latter won out as I went to wrestle my body into an upright position. I was stopped by a quiet sound that was both familiar and confusing. The soft murmur of the sleeping body next to me made me widely open both eyes and instantly regret doing so. I blinked rapidly until I could ignore the biting pain the light was causing me and looked around.  
  
"Buf-"I had a double realization as half of her name came out of my mouth. First the images of Buffy as I had seen her last tore through my head and inspired feelings of rage and hurt. Second was the shock that the woman curled next to me on the floor was not Buffy. There was a dramatic pause as my mind got kicked into gear and the events of last night came back in almost stunning clarity. Unfortunately the pain that came with these images caused me to grab my head in agony.  
  
"Ow." With one hand pressed to my skull, I carefully extricated myself from the woman next to me, Willow I realized, and made my way to the bathroom. Feeling the shattered pieces of glass beneath my feet made me realize I was wearing only a pair of boxers. I shook my head, instantly regretting it, at the thought of what I could have done last night. I found the bottle of pain killers and swallowed half a handful with water from the tap. I stood with both hands braced against the sink as I stared at the shattered reflection of my life; somehow it seemed appropriate. I wanted to wait there for a minute before facing the day; unfortunately I didn't get that luxury as sounds from the next room told me she'd noticed my absence.  
  
'Where are you?' And a second later, 'There you are. Why did you leave me?' Her thoughts came in rapid succession and the images she sent me involving us told me nothing about what had happened. Quickly I finished the business that had called me here in the first place before heading out to face the music.  
  
'How are you feeling?' I had to think about it before I could respond.  
  
'My head hurts, and my hand too, a little, actually all of me hurts, but I've had worse days I think.' I came into the room to see her lying under my jacket she'd snagged from the pile of assorted clothes piled on the couch. Her eyes were open, but she was still lying as she was when I'd left.  
  
'C'mere' I moved over in her direction but sat on the couch looking down at her.  
  
'Whassa matter? You're not having second thought about what happened last night, are you?' Her thoughts took on a serious and worried tone. I regretted what was going to happen next.  
  
'Willow, I'm not exactly sure I know what happened last night.' Her eyes grew wide and she sat up straight, clutching the jacket to her chest. If I didn't know she was almost naked before, that gesture alone spoke worlds.  
  
"How can you not know what happened last night? You weren't that drunk. Were you? You couldn't be. Your mind was too clear for you to be drunk." Her voice was bordering on frantic. She took a breath and composed herself, holding up a hand to forestall any comment I might make until she was ready to hear it. She reached into the pile next to me and fished out her shirt which she put on while still concealing herself with my jacket. She moved almost standing up as she planted herself in the recliner behind her before looking at me again. I probed my murky memories for any clues as I waited for her to speak.  
  
'Okay, I'm going to try and be reasonable and I'm going to try and help you puzzle out what happened with you. Will you let me in or do we have to do this the slow way?'  
  
'I don't think I could if I wanted to. I think we need to work it out step by step if you don't mind.' She nodded and while seeming more than slightly vexed, she agreed and began where I ended.  
  
'What was the last thing you clearly remember from last night? Show me.' I thought back and played out the scene in my mind, pushing it across to her, of Finn leaving the apartment.  
  
'Okay. Riley wanted to make sure you were okay and he was surprised to find us drinking together. You were more than a little... unstable last night and he said that you'd rushed away while the two of you were on your mission. He didn't mention what you'd seen, but I guessed at what it was from what you told me.' She paused and looked at me; I just nodded, not wanting to think about it. 'I figured. When you got here last night, you lost control of your mind. You started throwing things across the room, the whole place was shaking, and your thoughts were being shouted in all directions. I started crying myself before I realized where it was coming from and tightened my walls against it. I had to push centering thoughts into you to force you to close your walls again.' I nodded, I remembered that part.  
  
'Sorry about that. I guess I just got so shocked by what I'd seen that my walls cracked, emotional overload. It comes from suppressing and controlling myself for too long before one big sudden shock forces all the pent up pressure through a pin hole and everything just comes pouring out. It's the price I pay for what I can do.'  
  
'I get that. After I got you relaxed you started drinking and I joined in after my own shock at the... thing I'd seen with your eyes. Kinda' took me by surprise too, I guess. We finished off what was left of that bottle, but you were still sounding pretty sober in my head. You started telling me you weren't worth anything and it was like this ingrained truth that was stuck in your head. It started right after you punched out the mirror. I started trying to reorganize your concentric energy fields with some massage. I think I started right before Riley got here. Anyway, you relaxed right into it and then you started a link between us.' She paused for a second and she couldn't meet my eyes. When she was focused again her thoughts came slowly, carefully, and she paused slightly between each one.  
  
'It was the most amazing experience of my life. It was like we were the same person. I knew everything about you and you knew everything about me. But it wasn't weird or awkward at all, it just seemed... right. There weren't any reservations or miscommunication; I mean, how could there be? We were as one. I've never felt anything like it.' She stopped thinking at me, but I could hear the hum of her thoughts as she relived it to herself and then the sudden stop as she refocused on me. 'I never knew exactly what someone else thought about me. I've never felt so appreciated before. Everything else just came naturally, I guess. I'd hoped to return the favor and knock you out of your self destructive thoughts.' She was looking at me intently and I knew with a certainty that if I said the wrong thing she would be terribly hurt. I took it slow and tried to play it safe.  
  
'First off, I don't think I was too drunk last night. Using my abilities too much or pushing my mind too far throws me out of whack, like I almost don't know what I'm doing and sometimes who I am. Combine that with the emotional overload and the drink and this is the final result.' Meaning me. I let her fully feel what I was feeling for a second and heard her sharp intake of breath before closing myself back down. 'I still need to know, Willow. What did we do last night?' Her eyes got wide and I thought she would cry, but then she nodded and silently showed me the images of what we'd done. Those images sparked recognition in me and it was my turn to avert my eyes. I sat in silence for a long moment as the entire scene played out before my eyes. I reveled in the idiocy that was man as I puzzled out what I could tell her that wouldn't end this badly.  
  
'What do you want to do about this?' After what I'd done I had to make it right between us. I had to make sure we would still be friends.  
  
'How can we not be friends?' How could she hear me? I hadn't broadcast that. 'I can hear you because we are still linked and I don't think you're controlling yourself enough to block me out yet after you pushed your feelings at me just now. As far as what we do now, why do we have to do anything? I understand how you feel about me as a friend and I know you're still in love with Buffy. A part of me wishes you weren't but I can't do anything about that and I can't expect you to change how you feel especially after feeling it myself. I love Buffy too, in my own way. But what happens between us doesn't have to concern her. This is our bond, our connection; our friendship.' She took a breath and sighed it back out. 'You know me better than anyone else in the world now. You know my feelings, you've seen my memories, everything. And I know you the same way. I know about what you've done and what you think about but don't tell anyone else. I know how you feel about me without you having to say it.' I tried to search out the depth of our link and felt her thoughts and worries, her hopes, the place on her back she itched a little bit. She was right. I didn't know how to close it down, if it could be closed down, even if I wanted to. Doing so, I could only imagine, would be like tearing myself into two pieces.  
  
'What about your life? What about Tara?' Her eyes clouded up and I could feel how much she missed Tara.  
  
'Well, I don't know that either. I still love her. I don't know what that makes me. I'm not straight because I still love her, and I'm not gay because I kinda love you too now. How can I not, knowing now what I know.'  
  
'Can we stay just good friends and still share these thoughts? What does that make us?' There was a pause and then the mutual thought sparked between us with special meaning, almost impossible to explain to anyone else but each other.  
  
'Together.' The rightness of that thought and the connection it stood for resounded through me and we just looked at each other as I realized what we had was more than what Buffy and I had had, but it would still not be all we would need. We were together, as one, but both of us needed someone else. Both of us needed someone to love.  
  
She stood then and dropped my jacket to unselfconsciously sort through the pile of clothes for her underwear, pants, and then her socks and shoes. I didn't watch her, but I didn't need to. What point would it be when I could feel everything she felt, including her own body. She threw my pants at me and I silently thanked her to which she nodded. I waited and had the idea for a shower. She looked at me and I had no problem with her going first in so she smiled and headed past me to the bathroom. I went to the kitchen and began frying some eggs and potato hash browns. I made her eggs scrambled and with cheese, her favorite, then I salted them to her taste. All of this was a little weird; I was still getting adjusted to the bond not to mention still being out of it from the night before.  
  
'I'm almost done.' She thought at me. I smiled as I replied, seeing what she saw as she looked into the broken mirror.  
  
'I know.' I felt her answering smile as she dried herself off and I forced my concentration to putting the food on the counter and then poured two glasses of juice. She met me at the counter as I sat down on one of the bar stools there and she found the one next to me. We ate in silence, reveling in the simple pleasures of cold, sweet juice and near perfectly cooked eggs. I smiled as the thought came to me but before I could discard it I heard her answering chuckle and felt her amusement. Wait; was that my thought or hers? It had to be mine, it was about my past. But she knew my past now too. I realized that trying to puzzle this out would only confuse things more, better to just let it be. I felt her agree with me and then dropped the issue. I'll just say it had to do with food and a certain ex of mine that swore I couldn't cook unless it involved her body.  
  
'So what do we do about Buffy?' I'd waited until we were done and the plates washed before I took my turn in the shower, but still wanted to try and work this out.  
  
'I don't know. I know that she and I are still friends, and she can hardly blame us after what she and Sp-' I cut off that thought.  
  
'Can we not think that name right now?'  
  
'Sure. Sorry. Anyway, I think you should give her time, keep your distance.'  
  
'I don't know what to think about her.'  
  
'You love her. I can tell that you still love her and want to be with her. To say otherwise is to lie to yourself... and me. I know she stabbed you in the back for the second time, but just give it time; you'll see.' I paused as I thought of her face. This was important to both of us. How was Buffy going to react to Willow and I being bonded like this? How would she react to Willow knowing more about me than she would know about her own boyfriend, if we did get back together that is. I didn't want to think about it.  
  
'So don't.' Her answer was simple, but doing it would be hard. Buffy wasn't one you could easily forget, to say the least. I did know that I would be staying here so when she was ready to talk she could find me, however long that was. Besides, I still had to protect her, didn't I?  
  
'You should go back to the house, I'm sure she needs you too.' I was in the bedroom now pulling out a shirt and a pair of jeans from the drawer in front of me as I heard a glass break in the kitchen. I knew Willow was okay, but why did she break the glass?  
  
'You want me to leave?' I winced at the pain in her thoughts at that idea. I walked into the living room still barefoot and walked up behind her where she was stooped over picking up pieces of glass. She stood up as I came near and allowed me to draw her into my hug.  
  
"I don't want you to leave me. I don't want you to go anywhere. But I also don't want her to be without her best friend either. She needs to figure out what she wants too. Besides, no matter where you go you're still only a thought away." I spoke aloud to show her how serious I was. She relaxed into my arms and returned the hug.  
  
'I'm not going anywhere until I make sure you understand how worthy you are.' She pulled out of my arms and gave me a resolve face that Buffy had obviously gotten from her, she was a true master.  
  
'We don't need to go there. You know what I've done. You know why I am this way. We do not need to talk about this.' I retreated from her, but she followed me into the bedroom as I fished for some clean socks.  
  
'We aren't talking about this now, but we will have to eventually. I'm just gonna make sure you can't get rid of me until we do.' Her resolve face was definitely a force to be reckoned with. I closed down that part of myself, shying away from the memories she was talking about. Her eyes went wide.  
  
'How did you do that? I can't see part of you anymore.' Her thoughts were worried and her expression clouded over. I could tell I'd hurt her just by that simple act alone. I felt her pull slightly away from me mentally as though she was afraid of what I would do next. I sat down on my bed, my arms going slack as a wave of melancholy swept up from the depths of my soul. If she didn't get it before, surely she must understand now why I wasn't worthy of a gentle touch or a caring gaze... nothing. My thoughts went to the now empty bottle sitting in my living room and the other ones like it sitting in my garbage can.  
  
Her presence was instantly enveloping my depression with comfort and her arms came around me as she pressed herself against my back and began rocking me back and forth. I heard in my mind her continuously soothing and reassuring thoughts.  
  
'It's okay, baby. You're okay. I'm here. Everything is going to be alright. We're fine. Don't worry, baby. It's all gonna be okay now.' I felt my body go slack and I almost gave up caring in the instant before I felt her roll us onto our sides and I curled up against her like she was a teddy bear. It was a long ten minutes before I opened my eyes and looked up into her face. She stopped her steady broadcast of comforting thoughts and met my gaze steadily, tears on her face as well.  
  
'I told you I wasn't worth it. Do you believe me now that I've hurt you too? Now do you see why it could never work with me and Buffy? I'll only wind up hurting her too.' Her eyes cleared and I felt her get angry with that thought.  
  
'How can you say that? Do you know how you make me feel when you do that?' She stopped for a second as she brought her anger under control. 'Do you trust me?'  
  
'Of course.'  
  
'With your life?'  
  
'Yes, but my life isn't worth a whole lot.'  
  
'Do you trust me with more than your life?'  
  
'Absolutely.'  
  
'Then I need you to trust in my judgment that you are worth the attentions I give you. I know you better than anyone else and you know me. Don't you think I'm a good enough judge to know when someone is worthy or not? If you don't you'll just be insulting me and I still won't leave.'  
  
'I trust you with more than I've ever trusted anyone else with. But I also know that I can never redeem myself. I can't ever make it up enough to where I can live again and leave my men to their cold deaths.' I looked down at my hands and the scars left there by war. She held me close to her chest then, pulling me back down to her and drawing my thoughts away from the past.  
  
'No. Those thoughts are not worthy of you, not the other way around. Ignore them and be here with me. This is good, you deserve every bit of this and more for what you've done, let alone what you're going to do.' Did she just think that or was I reliving what I'd told Buffy.  
  
'My thoughts are for you, baby. You know that I am here for you, I'm not going anywhere.' I relaxed against her and let her mind show me the way to rest and temporary comfort. I dreamed then, and watched a fantasy me do things that could never redeem me, but could probably go a long way towards. The phantom pain that seemed real didn't bother me; my phantom deaths didn't wake me. I was calm in the knowledge that I would one day die for my sins with the fact that I had been doing good since would someday being my one small comfort in hell.  
  
My dreams moved into a different scenario: one straight from my past. I led my men and they followed me. Into hell and back, they'd said, and if I had only realized how true that was. We were in the jungle, the maze of war, and were quietly moving through it alert for danger. Suddenly my men began disappearing one by one and there was nothing I could do. I opened fire with my weapon and sprayed lead in any direction I thought the attack was coming from. It wasn't long before all my men were gone and I was alone running through the maze of death toward I know not what. Then I was attacked by an apparition I could see as one of my men I thought dead ran toward me and waited till I got close enough to look at his wound before vamping out and trying to sink his teeth into me. As he pulled back from his repast he thanked me for letting him die so he could kill his family and have their blood be on my hands as well.  
  
I sat up straight in my bed with cold sweat gleaming off of my face and hands. I looked around frantically and wondered where my weapon could be. I noticed I was gasping for air and tried to make myself breath normally before finally getting myself under control. I hadn't had dreams about my men in a long time, not since I had said goodbye to the Army and what I'd done. I felt warm fingers trace the curve of my shoulder and jumped as I looked down at the groggy redhead now running her fingers through my hair. I smiled as I relaxed and realized I was safe, really safe, and laid back down into her embrace and I smelled her wonderful strawberry psychic scent as she drifted me back into much more comforting dreams. 


	17. Mending a broken blade

A/N: Huge plot twist last chapter, but I need to point out two things I don't think I'm making very clear. Firstly I never came out and said that Jake and Willow actually slept together, remember that Jake woke up in his boxers. Secondly the true dynamic force behind Jake's love for Buffy is that she is the unattainable. He doesn't feel worthy of anything truly good; especially her. In addition, we also have Buffy's own conflicting feelings of self worth to deal with. Hope this clears up a few ideas behind the actions, so please don't hate anybody too much yet; they still have to save the world, after all.  
  
It was two weeks before she came to find me. I was on my way toward a real recovery, Willow said, and we worked daily for the first week just on refining and exploring our bond. I learned things about myself by watching her learn them and I was daily amazed by how much alike we actually were. Granted I had a few years and a few more kills than she had, but we'd both learned that we weren't good enough the way we were and had worked to change that, to make ourselves useful to the one that would fight; the one I would love. We had taken to spending most of the day sky clad and meditating with our minds clear and our thoughts affirming our existence in this world and our control within it. Most evenings would be spent around the apartment in conversation or in mutual comfort as we relived our past and with her daily trying to convince me I was good enough for Buffy.  
  
Willow had problems of her own, as all of us do. While she was busy trying to mend my broken heart and mind she was trying to put off working on her own. Her grief over Tara hurt her more than she'd care to admit, almost as much as her negligence causing pain to Dawn did. About the third day was when I had been together enough in my thoughts to bring some of those feelings to the surface of her mind and make her see how much she was needed by other people besides me. She resisted at first, not wanting to relive her own pain, but while showing me some of the reasons for my purpose she'd opened the door to her own past mistakes, so now we worked on those too.  
  
Gradually our bond faded to almost an after thought. We could still easily send thoughts to each other and show each other things that we were seeing, but it stopped being automatic. We stopped having to consciously hold back from each other's senses, but the strong feelings remained the same. After that first week, I made Willow understand that she had other people she had to be there for. Xander's wedding came and went without him in it, and no one could find him, but Willow was there for him and for Anya after he left. I did some occasional shopping and actually ate pretty well, if plainly. I still wasn't ready to try and work anything out with my life. And while I never quite got around to fixing the mirror, I had with Willow's help set the rest of the apartment to rights. The drawings of Buffy still sat on my bedside table and had for days and days before Willow encouraged me to continue letting the pictures relieve my stress and to demonstrate my feelings until I figured out why I couldn't help loving Buffy. I was sitting on the bed, drawing out my love and my angst at not only what I'd seen again but what I was going to do about it, when there was a quiet knock on the door. My eyes focused on it and my hand froze in its careful motion. As the knob slowly turned I made sure my pistol was under the pillow before turning back to see who was intruding, sure by now who it was.  
  
The knob finished turning and Buffy stood for a minute in the threshold before walking in; I froze completely and my skin tingled. I saw her eyes rove the room and her nose crinkled slightly at the smell of incense lingering in the air. She took a few steps into the room, closing the door behind her, and then moved to the counter top to pick up the empty bottle still sitting on it and examine the label. She put it back down and I watched dumb struck as she made her way through the living room and back to my bedroom doorway to stop and look in at me. I was afraid to make a move in case this was a dream and she wasn't really here. She blinked and in the end it was she who spoke first, her eyes on the drawings spread across the floor beside me.  
  
"Hey." Her voice was quiet, contrite... sad. I couldn't respond to it, not like that. I kept my silence and nodded once, my expression as plain as I could make it. I looked into Buffy's eyes and watched her look around my room, everywhere but at me. I saw her look at the pile of drawings from a few weeks ago sitting on my dresser by the door and then back at the others strewn across my bed and down to the floor.  
  
"Angel used to do this too, when he was... upset." I looked at her face as she spoke, but her eyes were distant. She shook her head and brought herself back to the present, finally looking at my face.  
  
"Look, I had a... talk, with Spike. I told him we couldn't be together anymore. I made him understand that we could never work, that I was using him... and you. And that I couldn't do that anymore." I reached across to move some papers to the floor and motioned her to sit down. She did so and we sat together in silence.  
  
"I tried to talk to you, in my head, but I can't hear you anymore." I nodded and spoke for the first time in days, my voice raspy and rough with both emotion and lack of use.  
  
"My walls broke down that night; I had to have time alone to... fix myself." She looked down at her hands.  
  
"I'm sorry...for what I did, for lying about it...for hurting you. I'm so sorry."  
  
'Tell her you love her.' Willow's thought came through loud and clear.  
  
'No, I can't. It's too soon.'  
  
'It really isn't. You can do it, you have to. If you ever want to make this right, you have to tell her. Can't you feel how worried she is about this? How much it's hurting her not to have you in her life? How sorry she is about what happened?' I could, but I didn't want to. At Willow's forceful suggestion I cracked open my wall and felt her pain, all of it, though my still strong link with her. Willow was right.  
  
"I love you, Buffy, and I couldn't change that if I wanted to. But you hurt me. I don't know if I can trust myself around you anymore." I found myself averting my eyes and looked up into her soul probing gaze. I let the words pour from my heart." Every time I see you I want to take you in my arms and it's all I can do to stop myself sometimes. I love you so much; too much maybe. It's like I can't control myself when I'm around you. You don't even realize all the perfect little things you do that drive me crazy. Nothing would make me happier than to just be with you all the time and I think I'd go insane if you weren't near me. But then this happened, again, and now I don't know what to do." I stopped and slouched back against the headboard, the pad on my lap falling forward and I watched her eyes go to the only picture in the room of us together. In the picture we held each other, both of us looking out, with my head leaning down on top of hers and the darkness that permeates all of existence surrounding us, but it can't touch us. Her eyes start to shine and then a single tear makes its way down her face as she leans forward to take the pad out of my hands. She flips a few pages to see almost all of them are filled with more sketches of the two of us in different situations or positions, but always together.  
  
"Wow. I don't know what to say." She puts the pad down on the bed behind her and looks back up at my face. "Thank you, for being there for me when I needed you. I wish we could just go back to the way we were before. I didn't know what to do before, after I came back. It was so hard. I got so much support from you and then I had to go and mess it up again; stupid Buffy." I wanted to interrupt, but stopped myself. I had to let her tell me in her own time. "I had something so great and I messed it up. Twice. Once again, I had one good thing in my life and I screwed it up. I sorry for... everything. God, I am so sorry." Her tears ran more freely now and I again react with the instincts I didn't know I had and didn't know where they came from, reaching out and drawing her into me. She uncoils and trails her feet out behind her as she pulls herself into my chest, continuously telling me how sorry she is. I wrap my arms around her, my face down close in her hair and I breathe in the scent that I missed so much. Tears spring to my own eyes as we slowly rock back and forth together. I don't know why my body betrayed my heart this way, but I haven't felt as perfect in a long time as I did in that moment, with Buffy there with me and Willow silently supporting and cheering for me in my head. I relaxed into the arms of my savior and protector for as long as I could before pulling away slightly to look down on her.  
  
"What are we now, Buffy? Are we together?" She pulled her face away from my chest and looked up at me with those beautiful green eyes and a worried expression on her face.  
  
"Can we... do you want us to be together?" Her voice was hopeful, but reserved; almost like she didn't expect a good answer. As though there was another I could give. I knew I still wasn't worthy, and part of me expected to be betrayed again, but pain is my ally, my friend; I could deal with pain. It was really all I deserved. Anything else was just a bonus until I could get away from all of this again.  
  
"I want us to be together in every sense of the word, Buffy. I love you." Slowly I brought my hand up and gently wiped her tears away from the perfect smile springing up beneath my touch. She pushes herself forward pressing her lips hard against mine, her hand snaking up around my neck. I pulled her to me as she threw her right leg over both of mine and pressed her entire body down onto me and moved against me. It wasn't long before I responded as all men do when a beautiful woman rubs against me the way she was now. My hands pulled her to me, my right moving up her back and my left moving down to the left pocket of her jeans. She moaned softly against me and I pulled her shirt up and over her head. We separated briefly as the cloth obscured her face from me but her lips found mine before her eyes reopened. I stopped her increasingly rapid motions and held her back away from me as I sat up beneath her. Her eyes were wide as I held her away from me for a long minute before I started my mouth and fingers on a different kind of slow journey.  
  
Slowly I traced every curve of her body, my mouth finding every scar on her I could as my right hand reached up to undo the clasp of her bra and I worked my way downward. She shivered as my fingers lightly found one on the back of her neck and my hands stroked down her back to another old cut. Her fingers curled themselves in the collar of my t-shirt as I traced the scar on her stomach, from her own stake I think. My lips found hers and my fingers slowly stroked the length of her back a second time before she pushed me onto my back and tore my shirt in half right down the front. She smiled as she began a similar slow, agonizing, and thoroughly exciting torture that started at my head with her lips tracing the scar on my face before working their way to my chest and the old bullet scars that walked their way down to my stomach. I no longer had the six-pack from high school, but I didn't have much of a paunch at all, and the thick scars that marred my skin were long faded but still very visible. She continued working her way down, unbuckling and pulling off my pants as she continued her search for the marks of war. She started counting the shrapnel wounds in my legs and then caressed her way back up to my face.  
  
I focused my mind slightly and held out my hand to catch the ice cube that floated its way from the freezer. She gasped as I touched it to the back of her neck and trailed it down her back. She was back on top now and moving against me as the ice danced across her skin and my phantom hands caressed every part of her lithe curves. She danced under my touch and I under hers. We slowly reacquainted ourselves with each other's bodies, conscious of each other's needs and feelings as our link slowly re- established itself. Each kiss, caress, touch, taste reasserting our bond and bringing us closer than ever before, culminating in the actual consummation. We lay there together in my bed covered in sweat, cuddling together, and relaxed. I looked at the fridge and two cans of soda made their way across the room to my hands and opened themselves.  
  
"How'd you do that?"  
  
"I'm getting better with some practice. Breaking my walls down seems to have opened myself to more potential, but I still can't do much."  
  
"You can do plenty." Her fingers traced a pattern on my chest and I put my soda down on the bedside table to wrap her up in both arms and settled further into the sheets.  
  
"Do you have anywhere you have to be?"  
  
"Nope, I'm just going to head out later to look for Warren and the rest of the nerd herd. Willow got a list of new rentals in the area and I'll be checking them off one by one."  
  
"Sounds exciting."  
  
"Alright, so it isn't the best job in the world, but it's gotta get done. I've got to stop them before they cause any more trouble."  
  
"Do you need me to come along? We could even split the list up and get it done twice as fast and maybe have time for some dinner afterwards. What do you say?" She smiled at my simple plan and then raised one eyebrow as her smile took a turn to mischievous.  
  
"But we don't have to do that till later do we? What are we going to do until then?" My grin answered hers and it was quite a few hours before we finally got up and showered to head out. The plan was very simple: hit every house on my half of the list and we'd meet up together before getting changed and going out for dinner. I had a change of clothes in my bag so we could both get ready at her house. We started out on our rounds and while it took a little longer than I thought it would, it was a fully uneventful mission. I was waiting with the car in the right parking lot and took the extra time by myself to meditate and try and figure out just what had happened tonight with me and Buffy. Was that going to happen every time we were together?  
  
I cautiously poked my way through my head and sorted out my connections to other people. Willow was definitely still there but she wasn't quite like I remember her first connection to me. We had been bonded before but now the link had faded to a mere thread of what it had once been. I could still tell where she was and, if I thought about it, what she was doing but that was about it. I got none of the flavor, the texture, of her thoughts unless she was thinking at me. Then I thought of Buffy and I saw through her eyes before I realized what I was doing and pulled back. My link to her was stronger, easier to use. I heard her surface thoughts easily and clearly and I knew how she felt about them without thinking; almost like they were my own feelings. She realized I was thinking of her and I felt her thoughts caress mine gently before she sent one clear statement.  
  
'I'm almost done, I'll be there soon.' I sent a distant kiss and pulled back gently into my own body. I wondered at why my bond to Buffy wasn't as strong as Willow's and mine initially was. I'd have to think about it some more and maybe do some research. Time enough for that later, though. As soon as Buffy got here we'd be heading out for some quality time together and I really wanted us to work it all out especially after telling her how I felt about her. What was keeping her? The thought was barely thought when I felt and heard her adrenaline boost and shoved the car into gear. She was only a few blocks away but time stretched as I rushed to her side. I pulled up in front of a nondescript house just like the others next to it and jumped out to find Buffy lying against the hood of a car in the driveway.  
  
"Are you alright?" I sent a probing thought for her but she was seeing something different than the world that I was seeing. She blinked and looked around before looking into my eyes.  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"I was hoping you could tell me. Was there a fight? Your arm is hurt." I could feel it and a flash later I saw her image of the thing that'd done this. I wrapped my arms around her and walked her to the car to sit her down. She seemed a little foggy at first, but cleared up as soon as we were on the road on the way back to her house. She was even back to making witty comments about my driving.  
  
"God, you drive like I do and I don't drive." I grinned in response to her mischievous smile but kept my eyes on the road as I slowed down to the speed limit from the frantic pace I'd been going; I was worried about her. We got to her house and I helped her take her coat off and hung it up before sitting her down on the couch to take a look at her arm. It didn't look like much more than a small puncture, a bit bigger than a needle but nothing too huge or deep. I went upstairs to the bathroom to get the medical stuff box and came back downstairs to find her taking her long sleeved shirt off keeping it draped in front of her. I smiled gently as I carefully cleaned and then bandaged the small wound. I looked up into her eyes a second before she leaned forward and kissed me.  
  
"Thank you for taking care of me. I'm so glad you're here again." She bounced up off the couch and finished pulling her shirt off as she made her way up the stairs and first into her room and then the bathroom. I cleaned up the rest of the med stuff and put it all back in the box and went outside to grab my bag from the car. Before I opened the door something made me stop and I took a whiff of the air around me.  
  
"Hello Spike." I turned around as he stepped out from behind the tree, the smell of his cigarettes unmistakable to a former smoker like myself.  
  
"Well, if it isn't the self important half of a poof what thinks he's good enough for my Slayer." I understood he was bitter; I probably would have been too. I understood that he would react badly to Buffy's talk with him; I probably would too. However, the thing I understood most at that moment was how good it felt to have my fist connect with his face knocking him onto his back where he glared up at me.  
  
"Good bye Spike." I left him there and walked into the house just in time to hear Buffy's bedroom door close and made my way directly up the stairs to take my turn in the shower. I looked at myself in the mirror, something I hadn't done in a while since I'd broken mine. I shook my head as I ran my hand through a few weeks worth of beard and cursed my baby face that made me still look like I was in freakin' college. I decided to leave it be, though. Between the half beard and the scar I guess I didn't look too young anymore. I finished up and applied some deodorant before pulling on my clean shirt and opening the door to find Buffy looking like she had been leaning her ear against the door. She stepped back in surprise and grinned sheepishly up at me and I couldn't help but step forward and bring her into my arms.  
  
"Ready to go?" She nodded against me and pulled back a little to give me a peck on the lips.  
  
"I am but you're not."  
  
"I'm not? I feel ready."  
  
"You're wearing the wrong shirt." She stepped back and pulled out a shirt from behind her back to hold out to me, a shirt that had been in a shopping bag in the back seat of my car half an hour ago. I smiled and obligingly pulled off my shirt and held out my hand for the thin silver felt one in Buffy's hand. I normally wouldn't have worn something as flashy as this was, or as nice. I was more into subdued colors like greens, browns, some blues depending on my mood and don't forget the ever present black. I spun around once and did a little bow as Buffy clapped at my little show. I held out my arm and she took it as we made our way downstairs out the front door and into my car. We held hands all the way to the restaurant where I walked her in and took her leather jacket to hand it to the coat check but stopped as I saw what else she was wearing.  
  
Stick with me now, I'm not a fashion expert but I do know what I like. Her shirt had short sleeves and was a slightly darker gray / silver than my shirt and beautifully complimented her eyes and hair. She wore it over a black almost lacey skirt and black shoes I could tell she could still fight in if she had to. She'd replaced the full wrap bandage I'd put on her arm earlier with a flesh colored band-aid that in no way distracted from the most important and eye-catching thing about her blouse: how low cut it was and the righteous amount of skin left visible. I finally completed the motion of handing over the coats and escorted her to the table, holding out her chair for her as she sat down. The waitress was very polite and smiled a lot as she went to get our drinks and came back with breadsticks.  
  
"You know, I just realized I don't know how old you are." Her statement took my by surprise as I realized she was right. Just how much of the simple stuff didn't we know about each other? I thought back to the first and then the second time we met and chuckled; I guess we didn't get much time for the simple stuff. Most of our relationship had been based on support and understanding, not knowledge of each other. I felt a tinge of pain as I thought about telling her everything about me, thankful my link with her hadn't been forged when I was as out of it as I was with Willow. Time to change my mental subject now and answer her question.  
  
"I'll be thirty two next month." I watched her eyes and listened to her aura as I said it, half expecting shock or at least some kind of surprise. I was disappointed; nothing. She took a second or two as she calculated how much older than her I was before she spoke again.  
  
"Well you're older than my last boyfriend, but younger than my first. What day is your birthday?"  
  
"The twelfth. And you're twenty one?" She nods. "Not too bad of a difference, ten years. How old was your first boyfriend, if you don't mind me asking." At the look on her face I knew I'd be staying away from old boyfriends for the rest of this conversation, but she did answer my question.  
  
"Let's just say he had at least a century on me." I took more than a few seconds to fully absorb her answer and looked up into her worried eyes. I knew full well who it was, well I was pretty sure anyway. But I couldn't tell her he'd sent me here; time to play dumb. The scene from earlier tonight played through my head bringing a smile to my face as I asked her.  
  
"It wasn't Spike was it?" Her eyes got wide and I think she was almost about to laugh, but shook her head instead.  
  
"His name was Angel. He left right after I graduated, headed to LA. Ever been?" At last a safe subject.  
  
"Yeah, just a few weeks ago actually, right before I came here."  
  
"So how is Angel?" I had been taking a sip of my drink and almost spat it back out again in surprise.  
  
"I'm sorry?" I put an innocent (okay, so it was only a 'not guilty') face on and tried to feign ignorance.  
  
"Angel. In LA. Where you just came from before you got here." She waited a few seconds, tapping her fingers against the table and looking at my almost blank stare before continuing. "The guy whose jacket looks, feels, and smells just like yours." I took a deep breath and nodded, giving in. What really took me off guard though was that she wasn't pissed off about it. I decided that now was the right time to tell her.  
  
"He's good, still doing the demon investigator bit. He didn't want me to tell you that he'd asked me to come. I'm sorry for not telling you sooner, I tried but..."  
  
"I know. I figured it out the like first week I knew you."  
  
"The jacket?"  
  
"The jacket. I wore it sometimes before he left. That's why putting it on again that night in the Magic Box made me feel better, it was something familiar to me. Did he say why?" I shook my head and she kind of half sighed, looking to the side. "A year ago, this would have really pissed me off." I could tell that it was a little hard for her to admit that, but she wasn't done. "I guess I've come more to grips with it. With my... relationship with Angel."  
  
"I don't really know all of what went on with you two, but I know he still thinks about it. When I was there we used to drink together at night after work and talk about his old life; he always brought up you when he talked about other women."  
  
"You drank with Angel? He didn't used to drink."  
  
"He doesn't drink much at all, hardly ever in fact. Mostly I drank and he talked. He has a way of telling his stories that makes it easy for me to picture myself there with him, watching him do what he did. It was almost real, you know?"  
  
"He's relived them so many times, regretting his actions from before. How much did he tell you?"  
  
"He told me a lot from his life before he was turned, his escapades with Darla, and some of his life, excuse me un-life, after he got his soul."  
  
"How much did he tell you about us?" Her voice was quiet and if I wasn't really listening I would never have heard her slight nervousness. It made me smile that she was worried about what her ex had told me. It was reassuring, really, that she worried about my opinion.  
  
"He didn't tell me about your relationship, just what kind of a person you are, how you save people and the world all the time, how you care about the people around you." I took her hand in mine. "What an amazing person you are." Our eyes were locked and she squeezed my hand.  
  
"Thank you." It was a whisper, but she meant it and the feelings I got from our connection were overwhelming as I smiled back at her. We took a few minutes, me to take a sip of water and her to wipe her eyes with her napkin, but were fully composed and smiling when our food arrived. It was a very delicious evening: perfect company, wonderful food, nice atmosphere, and no demons breaking in and trying to kill us. We had a few glasses of wine over the course of the evening and judging by how tired Buffy was on the car ride to her house she wasn't a big drinker. She seemed fine once we got there and went upstairs to get ready for bed. I changed my shirt and headed out for a quick patrol after letting her know I'd be back shortly. No action, but I felt better about having such a nice evening instead of fighting the good fight. I came back to find Buffy already in bed asleep and, after a quick shower, crawled under the covers and curled up against her. Looking back, I think that was the moment I considered myself patched. 


	18. Unexpected visit

The morning seemed to start off simply enough; waking up next to the woman I love in her bed with the sunlight streaming through the window shades reassuring me that we were safe, the problems of yesterday forgotten. She was still asleep, but sweating and with a frown on her face, two things that were not the normal order of things. I wiped my hand across her brow and down her cheek before stroking her hair. She was still turned away from me on her side and I let my hand trace its way from her hair down her shoulders to her side and wrap around her stomach as I pulled myself close against her and tucked her head under mine. I might not have been as tall as Finn, but Buffy was a petite woman and she fit perfectly against me. It was my turn to frown; she seemed a little warmer than she normally did. I kissed her cheek and then down to the side of her neck and she gave a soft moan before cracking open her eyes. Her moan became first a yawn and then, with an upturned note at the end, a question.  
  
"Its morning, and unfortunately you have a shift at the dreaded Double-Meat Palace." She groans and tries to close her eyes again as she whines.  
  
"Five more minutes." I smile, thinking back to when I used to say that. I put my lips back to her neck and start my way slowly up to her ear and I feel her shiver beneath me as my tongue finds a sensitive spot. She moans again softly as my lips move to the back of her neck and down her spine. She's enjoying my treatment of her, but she doesn't seem to want to wake up yet, so I take it as a challenge. The fingers of my right hand move the strap from her slightly loose tank top off her shoulder and my lips explore the newly available flesh as I roll her onto her back and work my way across her chest and then back up the other side of her neck. Her hand goes to the back of my head and I look up at her face to meet her lips with mine.  
  
'You have to get up.' I kept kissing her; I couldn't help it, working my way from her neck back up to her face. Her lips met mine easily and both of her arms were now wrapped around my neck before she responded to me.  
  
'Make me.' I grinned with my lips still pressed against her and chuckled as my fingers found her side and tickled. She squirmed against me in a very attractive way as she burst into giggles. 'You win! You win!' I stopped tickling her and smiled softly down on my love.  
  
'Are you awake now?'  
  
'Yes, you big meanie, I'm awake.' With a last kiss she rolled away from me and gathered her clothes before heading into the shower. I yawned and stretched before rolling out of bed myself and making it back into the scene of perfection it was the night before. I got dressed and headed downstairs to start breakfast for Dawn who came down just as I scooped the omelet onto a plate for her.  
  
"Thanks. How was your night last night?" I raised my eyebrows at her question.  
  
"Very nice, almost perfect." She blushed and hurried to try and correct herself.  
  
"I meant the restaurant and the nerd hunt and stuff."  
  
"So did I. It would have been better if we could have found them." She nodded, agreeing with me, and took a bite and then a quick sip of juice.  
  
"It's good, hot, but good. Thanks." It seemed like I just turned around and it was gone from her plate and she was finishing her juice. She dropped the dishes into the sink and kissed me on the cheek on her way past me and out the door to the sound of Xander's car horn. I followed her to the door and made sure it was really him and waved at them as they pulled away. I made it back to the kitchen in time to flip Buffy's omelet before it burned. Her breakfast was on the plate getting cold and mine was gone before she finally made her way down the stairs. My eyes followed her motion across the room. Her movements were every bit as careful and concise as they had been the last time I'd watched her move, but something was wrong. She was slower, for one, and seemed more than a little out of it.  
  
"You okay?"  
  
"Fine. Why? What's going on?"  
  
"Nothing. You just seem kind of... slow." Her eyes met mine and I detected the makings of a glare, but with none of the oomph. She sits down to poke at her breakfast a little before shaking her head as if to clear it and then began to eat in earnest.  
  
"Wow, this is really good." I smile at her praise and obvious appreciation as it disappeared quickly; I'm not a big chef at all.  
  
"I'm glad you like it. Are you ready to go?" She nodded and then seemed to just think of something.  
  
"I've got to get Dawn off to school." She really was out of it.  
  
"She's gone already; fed, and safely on her way in Xander's car." She nodded and moved to the coat rack, leaving her dishes there. I followed her out and got into the car to drive her to work. She was silent the whole way, staring out the window. I was starting to get worried now and I hoped nothing had happened to her. I wrote it off as maybe coming down with something and reminded myself to check up on her later.  
  
"You have a good day and I'll be by to pick you up later, okay?" She smiled and nodded at me, giving me a goodbye kiss. Climbing out of the car, she walked slowly into fast food hell. I shook my head again over her decision to work there, but stopped myself from the bad vibes and sent a reassuring thought her way as I drove off. I got back to the house to find Willow coming down the stairs. Without a word we greeted each other good morning and she started cleaning the dishes while I started another omelet for her. She ate and I finished cleaning first the kitchen and then headed upstairs to clean myself up for the day. I could feel Willow's thoughts go with me and we filled each other in on minor details of our lives from the past few days. Finally I got around to asking her what she had going on today and I sensed anticipation and a little bit of nervousness.  
  
'I'm gonna' go try and see Tara today between classes.' I decided that simple anxiety was what I was hearing and sent her a calming thought and the feelings to go with it.  
  
'I'm sure you'll be just fine and her too.' I got dressed and headed downstairs to find her sitting in front of her laptop, but not doing anything more than drumming her fingers on the table in front of her nervously. I grinned at the image, but before I could comment she closed the monitor and stood up to pick up her bag and sling it over her shoulder. She met my eyes as she made her way to the door.  
  
"Wish me luck?" I gave her a hug and smiled as I walked her to the door.  
  
"Good luck." She smiled nervously and was gone. I looked around the big empty house, wondering what I was going to do today. With a sigh I knew I would do what just had to be done. An hour later I was finished with the vacuuming and the dusting and was about to start the windows when I heard the back door slam and moved to look around the corner to see Spike and a smoldering blanket littering the kitchen. He took a second to fix his appearance before making his way down the hallway toward the living room. I stepped around the corner and he stopped short, anger burning in his blue eyes.  
  
"She's not here, Spike."  
  
"I bloody well know that. Unfortunately I'm here to see you." He seemed almost as disgusted with the idea as I was. I decided to give him a few minutes to explain himself. Besides, if he pissed me off too badly I could always just toss him out into the sun. The idea made me grin as I led the way into the living room to make sure the blinds were closed before he followed me in. I sat down on the couch and he took a seat on the chair facing me.  
  
"What do you want Spike?" He sat for a few seconds before answering, almost like he had to build up his courage or something.  
  
"Look, I don't like you. I just want to make that clear."  
  
"You came here to tell me that?"  
  
"I love her." I stopped talking at his announcement and simply started listening. I focused in on his aura, trying to see past the surface feelings to his thoughts; and failing. All that meant, though, was he truly believed his conviction. He didn't think, he felt. I leaned forward propping my elbows on my knees and clasping my hands in front of me pasting an open expression on my face I nodded for him to continue. Throughout his entire speech he behaved erratically, alternating mostly between sitting forward, leaning back, and at times standing up to pace around the room only to sit back down again and continue with his story. He started back when he was with Dru, and how she'd left him because he was thinking about Buffy all the damned time, as he put it. He spoke of following her around and even having the Buffybot made when he couldn't have the real thing. He told me everything about her death and how he failed to stop it, but had lived up to his promise to protect Dawn. How he counted the days she was gone from his life and of his joy with her in it. Finally there came a time when he'd stopped talking and was mirroring my pose waiting for a response from me, only I had none to give.  
  
"Spike, I don't know what to tell you. I mean, you're a vampire; all of this is a little hard for me to believe right off the bat. How can you say you love her? She kills your kind; she would have killed you if she had the chance." I leaned back against the couch and sighed as I processed what he'd told me and what I was going to do about it. "Why are you telling me this, Spike? Do you think I'm going to help you? I love her Spike. For the first time in years I've found someone who really deserves as much as I have to give and more. You don't really think I'm going to give her up because of what you've told me, do you? Everyone's got their own sob story." He leaned back cocking his head to the side.  
  
"I'm dead, mate, the sobbing is over. God, I should have killed her so long ago, I wouldn't be in this mess." That was enough of that. I stood up, stepped over the coffee table, and slugged him a good one on the chin knocking him back over the chair and down.  
  
"Don't ever say that. You love her but you wished you'd killed her? What kind of crap is that, you sick son of a bitch. Now, I don't know why you thought you'd come over here and tell me all of this to make me feel sorry for you, but it won't work. I've come through too much, and dealt with more than enough for a man of my years, to sit hear and listen to your line of crap. Now get off the floor and sit down." I stepped back and let him get up on his own and defiantly try and stay standing in front of the chair I'd picked back up so I pushed him down into it and stood over him for a second before moving back to the couch and sitting down myself.  
  
"I am not going to allow you to talk like that about her. You say you love her, but that doesn't stop you from lying to her, trying to get her drunk, and then trying to beat her up and mess with her mind. You say you love her but you knew how torn up she was when she came back and you tore her down even further. You told her she was dark, that she'd come back wrong. Instead of trying to help her fix her life, you told her that her friends would never understand her, they'd never fully accept her, especially if they knew the 'truth'. She told me all I need to know. That's not real love, Spike. You want to tell me you love her, you better be willing to back it up and prove it. I will stand you tall before the man." I shook my head trying to pull myself out of soldier mode. Would I ever stop quoting that movie? I realized I was looking at Spike as if he was one of my wayward troops; someone who'd messed up without really understanding why or how. This was a cold blooded killer, I reminded myself; just like me.  
  
"The sobbing doesn't end when you die."  
  
"How the bloody hell would you know?"  
  
"I died once; rode the flat line for a good ten minutes before they brought me right back to the hell hole I was in at the time." I chuckled and shook my head. "Got a promotion and a god damned medal for that crap." I thought back to the next day and the new and romantic meaning I thought I'd seen in the world... until the mine went off under my buddy's foot and really woke me back up to the harsh reality; life is pain. I looked up to see Spike watching me and pulled myself back to the present problem.  
  
"What do you want from her, Spike? What do you want from me?"  
  
"I want all of her. I want her love. And from you I want only death. If I can't have her, I don't want anything." His mooning reminded me of high school puppy love, so ready to throw their lives away for someone they won't even keep in touch with after graduation. I stood and pulled him up by the collar dragging him to the door and opening it to let the light in. I held him right outside the beam and put my face directly in front of his.  
  
"If you want death, you've come to the right place. But you'd better mean it." I yanked him between me and the light letting him start smoking and trying to get away before shoving him back into the shadow and onto his back. "The only thing stopping me from helping you out of this world is not wanting to seem petty for killing the guy who screwed my girlfriend, too cliché. Unlike some people, I don't want to lie to Buffy." I closed the door and shoved him back in the direction of the kitchen. "Try your luck with me next time and I'll be more than happy to get rid of another bloodsucker." I let him pick up the blanket and watched him glaring at me as he opened the door and ran out into the sun. I stood there for a minute looking after him wondering how long I could have kept killing him a secret before shaking my head; I would have had to vacuum again. 


	19. Normal aint for me

For the second time I went to meet Buffy at work and she wasn't there. I spoke with her manager, a blond with a five year pin on her shirt. She told me that Buffy had left early because she looked like she wasn't feeling well. She'd been moving slow all day and was bringing down the entire team. We talked for a good fifteen minutes, mostly about Buffy. I left and took the most direct route back to her house but didn't see her on the way. I got to the house to find Xander's car in the driveway and pulled up to run inside to find the girls sitting at the table and Xander with his back to me.  
  
"Hey, we all screw up." Buffy saw me before the others and her comment touched me. As long as she knew she'd screwed up there wasn't much point on me dwelling on it. I came up behind Xander and put my hand on his shoulder.  
  
"It's good to see you, man. Are you alright?" He nodded and his voice was still emotional when he told me that yes he was fine, but he still couldn't find Anya. I nodded and he left to go look for her. I told him to call me if he needed me, even if it was just for a drink. I was still trying to be there for him even though he wasn't the friendliest guy when we'd met. We weren't the best of friends but we talked sometimes and he recognized I was here to help Buffy. My attentions turned next to Buffy sitting at the table looking like her usual self, but she didn't feel like herself in my head.  
  
"Are you alright?"  
  
"I'm okay." I didn't bring up her leaving work early, but I knew I wasn't going to let her work tomorrow. Shortly I left to go pick up Dawn from school and I took her to the hardware store to get some supplies for a school project she had coming up. She'd told me about it on the way home and I made the detour to help her out. We ended up working on it the rest of the day as Buffy caught up on some sleep. I checked on her mentally every few minutes while I worked and she seemed to be having some very strange dreams, something about an institution. I tried to redirect her thoughts to more pleasant dreams and felt her murmur and roll over in her sleep but stay in the same mental track. Dawn and I finished up her project in time for dinner: Chinese. Buffy ate dinner quietly, but she did eat it all, and then she insisted on going patrolling. Knowing better than to try and argue I simply tagged along.  
  
I cheated a little bit, though. I opened my walls and spread myself looking for mental images of fear (victims) or hunger (vampires) but wisely limited my search to the graveyard. I got a hit coming from the west wall and turned to Buffy telling her that we should split up. At her nod I headed off to deal with the threat I didn't want her to try to meet in her condition, whatever it was. I found them easily enough; two vampires had a high school aged girl cornered between them. They were pretty easy opponents and neither of them had a real clue of what they were doing. I told the girl to run home and watch her shortcuts at night from now on before hurrying back to find Buffy. I was surprised to find Spike face to face with Xander and Willow trying to get between them. My attention went from their altercation to Buffy in a second as she doubled over. I was at her side, my mind reaching out to hers and pulled back at the sharp pain of her vision. I realized it was the same as her dreams before and the pain was similar to the other night when she'd been attacked.  
  
"Guys, I need to get her home." Xander looked up at me from his follow through after punching Spike. Willow's attention immediately moved from the fight to me and even Spike looked up from the ground. I picked her up and Willow was instantly at my side.  
  
"Buffy! Are you okay?" I shook my head and tried to push through to Willow the feelings Buffy was going through as she fell back into her nightmare vision. Willow's worry was enough to motivate her to get Xander moving as well. We left Spike there as we hurried towards my car.  
  
"I'm okay, guys, really." I didn't believe it and she knew it as she quit fighting my hold on her as we kept moving. Behind us Spike had picked up his bag and called after us to put some ice on her neck, she liked that. I stopped suddenly, Xander bumping into my back, as I turned around to pin him with a glare.  
  
"I know." I turned and kept walking as Xander yelled out to Spike that she was our friend and that we'd take care of her. I ignored them, leaving both of them with a fast pace to my car where I placed her gently into the passenger seat. Willow rode in Xander's car as we rushed back to Buffy's house. She was quiet, but kept trying to assure me she was okay; I was having none of it. I was convinced her illness and her visions were connected to her attack. We got her to the house and I helped her walk through the front door, Xander and Willow right behind us and Willow going directly to the kitchen to get Buffy some ice water.  
  
"I've been having these flashes, hallucinations I guess."  
  
"Since when?" Willow asked as she handed Buffy the glass and then took a place next to Xander on the couch. I looked down at Dawn from my place behind Buffy's chair, my hands on its back as Buffy told of her attack and being poked by the demon.  
  
"And when you say poked?" Xander added a hand motion to his question and I glared at him as Buffy answered.  
  
"In the arm." She went on with her eyes downcast as she spoke of the mental institute her visions told her she was in. She met Dawn's eyes when she came to the part with her Mom and Dad being there together. I could tell it was hard on both of them. She got to the part about how convincingly real it had felt and Willow jumped up with a vote for research. Xander got the demon bars and Dawn was going to help Willow check for stuff on the internet. Willow glanced at me feeling my resolve to not leave Buffy's side and didn't say anything but nodded at me. The group split up leaving us alone. I took the unsipped from glass from Buffy's hand and picked her up to arrange her more comfortably on the couch ignoring her protests that she could do it for herself. I sat at the end with her head pillowed in my lap and began broadcasting a mantra I called the 'logic of numbers' because all it consists of is counting as high as you can mentally. It works for reassuring yourself that things are real.  
  
She didn't fall asleep but just lay there against me with her fingers entwined with mine. Finally I had to get up and use the bathroom and Willow stopped me on the way back with her print out of the demon from Buffy's description. I nodded, that looked like it to me. She followed me into the living room where Buffy'd picked up a picture with her mom and dad in it and was curled up with it on the couch. I moved back to my place by her head and wrapped my arms around her as Willow showed her the picture. Buffy agreed that it was our demon and Willow told of how it carried the antidote to its own venom.  
  
"I feel so lost." Her voice was quiet... scared. I pushed reassuring and stabilizing emotions her way and felt her respond as she pulled herself tighter against me. I looked significantly at Willow as she spoke of how detached she'd been, but Willow was looking at Buffy. I stroked her hair and then rubbed her back as she told us about her time in an institution back in L.A. after she'd seen her first vampire. My heart wrenched sideways as she told of her parents willingly putting her into it and then forgetting it had even happened.  
  
"God, that's horrible." was Willow's understatement.  
  
"What if I'm still there?" She was crying now and I resisted the urge to try and shake her out of it and just pulled her as tight as I could against me. "What if I never left that clinic?" Her eyes were on mine now and they asked the question deeper than the one voiced: was I even real?  
  
"You are not in an institution. You are here. With me. And I'm not going anywhere." She wiped her tears and nodded half heartedly. Willow took that opportunity to break in and reassure Buffy that she was going to get that antidote. She told Buffy that Xander was hunting the demon right now and they'd have it in no time. Buffy was worried that the demon was too strong for Xander and I wondered why Willow hadn't asked me to go with him, but she told Buffy that they'd gotten other help. I didn't have to ask who, I knew it was Spike and I ignored the idea of him helping us out only because Buffy needed it. Willow went back to the kitchen and shortly I picked up Buffy in both arms and carried her up the stairs to her bed. I curled myself around her, resting her head against my arm, and connected my mind to hers trying to convince her that this was real. We were connected like that when the next vision hit her and I got sucked into her fantasy world.  
  
I looked around, amazed at the clarity of the images around me. The white halls and the nurses and doctors moving through them are just what I would picture one of these places being like. I walked to the door next to me and cracked it open to see a bed with tie downs for arms and legs, a table, and a figure curled in on herself in the corner. I came around the edge of the bed, sure from her haircut that it was her.  
  
"Buffy. I'm here for you." I moved to take her in my arms and she reflexively fought me off before looking up into my face and freezing. "Buffy, it's me. I made it through to your hallucination. I'm here for you." I waited for realization from her but she looked at me lost and confused.  
  
"You're here. You can't be here unless you're real. And if you're real than I put you in my dreams. Be nice to me or I'll take you out of my dreams." The sincerity of her comment shocked me into silence. I tried to wrap my arms around her and lend her strength but she shrugged me off again and I pulled back slightly and found myself back in my body with my arms around her. I looked down to find her looking up at me.  
  
"I was there, I saw that place Buffy. Trust me, it's not real." The clarity had almost convinced ME it was real, but I couldn't let her know that.  
  
"It's not real." Her voice was quiet and lacked resolve, but I couldn't push the issue. I held her and rocked with her, supporting her as much as I could. A quiet knock on the door gave way to Dawn bringing tea for her sister. She sat on the bed and they shared a quiet conversation while I tried to puzzle out how to protect her from her next vision. I felt her flash into one beside me and there was no way for me to follow her in. I flailed around in her head searching for her link into the hallucination but pulled back as she blinked and looked back up into Dawn's eyes.  
  
"I'm not even there, am I?" Dawn stood up with tears tracing down her face and retreated a step from the bed. "It's your perfect reality and I'm not even there." Buffy grabbed her head with both hands and I broke into their conversation.  
  
"I'm sure she didn't mean that." Dawn looked from me back to her sister and ran out saying she had to finish her chores. I pulled Buffy close to me as she wiped her eyes on her sleeve leaving mascara marks. I kept my arms around her as I heard sounds of a scuffle echo through the silent house late that night. I traced Willow's thoughts to see her break the spine off the demon's arm and, leaving spike downstairs, sent Xander to the Magic Box for supplies. I turned my attention back to Buffy's mind and went back to anchoring her here in this world with me. I was worried that if I followed her in again she'd see me as even more of a figment than she already did. She slowly drifted to sleep and I concentrated on the light switch, flooding the room with darkness. I didn't get a single wink of sleep that night but hadn't moved by the time Willow came in to wake Buffy up with her antidote. I finally pulled myself away from her to use the facilities and came back to find Spike making some comments in a tone I just didn't appreciate.  
  
"- or I will." I stepped up behind him and he almost walked into me.  
  
"You will what, Spike?" I saw a flash of surprise and what I hoped was fear as I grabbed both his lapels in one hand and forcibly dragged him from the room and against a wall. "You'll bleed on me?" I dragged him down the stairs, through the kitchen and threw him down into the basement. I came down more slowly, observing the demon still chained up against the pillar.  
  
"What the hell are you doing? I helped you."  
  
"No, you helped her. And I do appreciate that. But I told you once before, Spike." I was on the basement floor now and looked into his eyes. "I won't let you, or anyone else, talk to her or about her like you just did. Seeing as I brought you a little closer to God the last time we had this discussion, I'm wondering just what I have to do to make sure you remember this conversation next time you open your mouth around her." I swung with a right I made sure he saw and blocked only to jab with my left, feeling his nose break; a very satisfying feeling.  
  
"Good luck, mate. Compared to the Slayer, you're a bloody amateur." He had bent at the waist and spoke with his hand clutching his nose and muffling his words. I smiled as I brought my knee up against his face and then followed with a left to his temple, knocking him down to his side. A solid kick to his ribs made me feel a lot better and I stopped.  
  
"If we do have to have this conversation again, I will kill you." I left him there in the eyes of the demon and made my way up the stairs. I stopped Willow and asked her about the antidote.  
  
"It should kick in almost instantly. She should be fine in about ten minutes." I thanked her and told her I'd be taking a walk after I told Buffy where I was going. She nodded and put her hand on my shoulder before letting me make my way upstairs. I tapped on the door and waited for her to look up at me before making my way to her bedside.  
  
"I'm gonna go take a walk and cool down before I kill Spike. Are you okay here?" I noticed her cup was empty and she nodded at me before I leaned forward to kiss her cheek and then stood up. I walked out with a single glance at her before making my way back down the stairs and out the front door. I'm not sure how far I walked before I convinced myself I'd done the right thing by not killing my very blond problem. I made it back to the house but it seemed too quiet. My thoughts were to stop by the kitchen for some water before heading upstairs to check on Buffy. Those plans were canceled when I heard sounds of a fight going on down in the basement. Initially I held back, thinking someone else was just beating up on Spike or they were finally hauling out the demon. When I saw Willow getting knocked to the ground by the demon and Xander sprawled sideways I reacted. I jumped down to the floor and immediately joined the fray. My mind cataloged seemingly random items strewn across the floor including rope and duct tape. I kicked the demon, knocking it against the wall and glanced beneath the stairs to see Buffy curled up hugging her knees to her chest.  
  
"Buffy, help me." I barely got it out before I was knocked down myself. I rolled out of the way of the demon's next blow and tried to get to my feet again without running into or over Tara, Dawn, or Willow. Next thing I know the Slayer, and she was all Slayer, is standing in front of the demon for a second just looking at it before kicking it across the room. A few more blows including some while holding it up and finally finishing up with a straight fist into the flesh of its chest. The demon fell back clutching the hole in its chest as Buffy just looked down at the goop on her hand. I looked around and saw a towel next to me and grabbed it as I stood up to meet her. I wrapped her hand in the towel and my arms around her.  
  
"Thank you." She looked up at me as I spoke and I saw that her Slayer aspect was gone to be replaced again with the worried girl she'd been a few minutes ago. "For coming back to me." I crushed her against my chest and then let her go to face her other friends.  
  
"I'm so sorry." It came out as more of a whisper, but everyone heard her. I put my hands on her shoulders as Xander reassured her that we were all okay, it was all okay. Willow wanted her to sit down, but Buffy wouldn't until she got more of the antidote. I supported her as we made our way up the stairs and did convince her to sit down on the couch with me. Willow came up last, after making sure Tara was okay, with the spine from the demon's other arm and headed out to do more concocting with Tara following her. Xander checked on Dawn and got some ice for one of her bruises as he brought me water for Buffy. We stayed in the living room talking, trying to keep Buffy with us and a part of the conversation. I probed for her connection to the delusions and did find one last one of a doctor shining his light into Buffy's eyes, but she was here with us and wasn't even there to see it.  
  
Willow came back quickly with the liquid for Buffy to drink and we all watched her guzzle it down eagerly and wipe her mouth with the back of her hand. Willow immediately asked her how she felt, but I think Buffy was just concentrating on not puking first before answering her friend. It wasn't long before she was both clearer and drowsier. I carried her again up the stairs to her bed and took off her shoes before tucking her beneath her covers. I sat there on the side of her bed with her facing the window and rubbed her back until she slipped into a peaceful sleep before closing the door quietly behind me and making my way back down the stairs. Dawn said she was going upstairs to her room and I hugged her as she passed me. Xander, Willow and Tara were sitting on the couch talking quietly, but there was something I had to say.  
  
"Tara, would you mind giving us a moment? I'll come into the kitchen in a second to thank you." She nodded and rose from Willow's side to cross in front of the coffee table and make her way past me with a nervous smile to the kitchen. I took a breath and looked down at the puzzled faces of Willow and Xander.  
  
"I don't know how else to say this, so I'll just say it. I'm disappointed in both of you. I don't know how you could let this get so out of hand." Willow's face fell and Xander started getting a little angry.  
  
"Now hold on just a minute."  
  
"I'm not done!" I kept my voice quiet, but I still knew how to shut people up when I had something to say. "Xander I know you've been going through your own problems with Anya, but you had a responsibility to your friend who you helped bring back from the grave. Did you really think that some pizza would just automatically fix her as soon as she got back?" He seemed slightly shocked now and I could hear his thought of 'how did he know that?' without trying. "Hello, psychic over here. I've got two different angles on that moment. None of you were sure of what to do and that's understandable, but Dawn was the most level headed of all of you and you didn't listen to her. It's like you thought that as soon as she came back everything would be okay again and you were free to move on to your other problems." I took a breathing pause and Xander decided he didn't have a response to what I'd said so I turned from him to Willow.  
  
"What about me?"  
  
"You know how I feel, I'm disappointed in you. Yes you came through in the clutch today and yesterday with the science but what about the day before that. Did you know she'd been hurt? Did you ask her? Did you even think about asking her? I know you didn't, but I wanted you to realize it." I looked from one to the other and continued on my next sore spot with both of them. "Ever since I got here she's had more and more pressure put on her to be normal, to act like nothing had happened, to get on with life. I saw how she was about to be overwhelmed the first day I was here and she was about to walk out on your little conversation with Giles. Believe me if he was here I'd be talking to him too. For best friends you two have been thoroughly engrossed in your own problems, which she helped both of you with by the way, without supporting her through hers." Looking at Willow again I thought of another subject I'd waited on broaching.  
  
"Will, how long have you been staying here in her house? Have you helped out with the bills or the mortgage? Buffy's working fast food..." I let the words sink in. "The Slayer is saving the world and putting up with your crap for minimum wage!" I took a breath and sat down in the chair, both of their faces looking at me in rapt attention waiting for the next piece of truth to hit them. "You both are making more money than you need while she barely scrapes by every month. I know she's too proud to accept it, but have you even tried or let her know it's there if she needs it? I'm not asking for the world here, people, and she isn't asking for herself." I sat there silently debating with myself if I should tell them the next part and in the end I decided to try. I looked up from my hands and let my face show how I really felt, worried and hurt.  
  
"Do you have any idea what it means to be brought back? This world is a harsh place on a good day, bright lights, cold things, hot things; everything hurts. I know, I had to do it once myself." I paused and let that sink in for a second.  
  
"How did you..." Xander's question faded away as I looked at him.  
  
"I rode the flat line; you know what that means, for more than ten minutes. I felt myself fade away and I knew that I was... complete. I had done my work in this world and could finally rest. They brought me back and I woke instantly to see them working on me, putting me back together, and I was pissed. I started thrashing around on the table and they had to hold me down and sedate me before they finished bringing me back into hell. I convinced myself it was better to be alive with all the good I could still do in the world, but that was before I knew what real hell was." I shook my head to clear it of the memories. Willow had her hand to her face as she'd seen what I had, but Xander's was just shamed into silence. I really didn't mean to put all of this on them along with everything else they'd already been through in the past few weeks, but I wanted them to see what they were doing to her.  
  
"I don't think I can even describe to you the peace I felt before they ripped me back. I mean, how can you tell someone what a strawberry tastes like if they've never tasted a strawberry? It was... perfect. It was my time and I knew it. I could release everything and move on. I gotta tell you, I can't imagine doing it twice." I stood up again and paced around the back of the chair a few times.  
  
"I have to get her out of here and away from this." I stopped and turned to both of them. "I'm taking her on vacation." Their eyes widened and then their faces firmed up and Willow nodded at me as they realized I was right on all counts. I didn't notice Dawn had come down the stairs and had heard part of my little speech. She did have one comment to make.  
  
"What about me, am I just supposed to stay here with Willow and go out with Xander?" I turned to the sound of her voice and made a split second decision that just seemed right.  
  
"How'd you like to come with us? Keep in mind it's supposed to be a calming trip, an escape from stress." She nodded, her indignant face becoming her eager and excited face in a split second.  
  
"I can totally do that. No problem. I'm gonna go start packing right now." She ran back up the stairs disappearing from my sight. I hoped she'd be quiet enough not to wake her sister and a quick thought verified that Buffy still slumbered peacefully. I turned my attention back to the two in front of me.  
  
"We'll leave on Friday after Dawn gets out of school and take most of the week off. I'd appreciate it if you guys could show her more support when we get back, but I know you'll do what you think is right. If you have any problems you can't handle I'll have my phone or you could always beat Spike into helping you." They were both still silent and I sat there for a minute waiting for them to make some kind of comment. When none were forthcoming I excused myself to head into the kitchen to find Tara sitting nervously at the counter with a glass of water in front of her.  
  
"Sorry it took so long, I had to get a few things off my mind."  
  
"I heard. I can understand where you're coming from; I just wonder if you were too harsh with them. They're her friends too."  
  
"That is precisely why they should have noticed this before I did. You saw what she did today. She was ready to walk away from everything here in hopes of a normal supportive life with her parents even if they thought she had been insane. She would have killed you and the others including her own sister to do it; to get away. That kind of thing doesn't just happen in a day." I stopped and calmed myself down. I'd tried to stay away from that subject for as long as possible and had refrained from rubbing Willow's and Xander's noses in that particular piece of evidence. I looked up at Tara's face and remembered why I was here.  
  
"I think you did the right thing letting them know how you feel about what's happened."  
  
"Thank you. That's why I came in here, actually; to thank you for being there for Buffy when she needed you. It means a lot to me that she had someone she could go to for help." She nodded.  
  
"I'm just glad I could help. I'd better get in there to talk with Willow before I leave." I nodded myself and watched her leave. I sat there in the silence, sunlight still streaming through the windows reminding me it was only afternoon. Something inside me couldn't bring myself to care about that, judging by how tired I felt. I stood up and made my way to the base of the stairs where I told the assembled party that I was heading up to get some sleep, not caring they'd know I'd be sleeping in the room with Buffy, before slowly trudging my way up the stairs to her bedroom door. I listened for a second to the blissful silence before quietly making my way in and to her bed where I took off my shoes and over shirt before crawling under the covers with her. I had just gotten comfortable when her arm found mine clutching herself against my chest in her sleep. I smiled and closed my eyes as temporary peaceful oblivion claimed me. 


	20. Gettin out of Dodge

I woke up the next morning way too early. Getting to bed early the night before helped, but I was still not fully awake when I realized the light was on. I lay still for a minute before cracking my eye open a hair only to find Buffy sitting up and looking down at me with a half smile on her face. She was fresh out of the shower and had changed into some cleaner night clothes, but I hadn't noticed when she had gotten up. I opened both eyes and she blinked and smiled wider. I returned her smile and reached out my hand to her face.

"Good morning, sleepyhead." I glanced significantly at the window and the darkness outside before looking back at her and quirking an eyebrow.

"It's not morning, you're dreaming again." I reached out and pulled her back down against me, both of us lying on our backs looking at the ceiling. "How are you feeling?"

"A little headachy, but fully with the sane. Did you get hurt in the fight?" I shook my head before realizing she couldn't see the motion.

"No, everyone came through it alright. A few bruises and scratches but nothing major." We were quiet for a few minutes enjoying the closeness of each other. I had to break the silence, though, to tell her about my conversation with her friends. She stiffened when I got to the part with Willow helping out around the house she pulled away from me to sit up and turn to look at me.

"You didn't. I can't believe you did that." She wasn't pissed, I don't think. She seemed more shocked that I'd said anything about it.

"Buffy, I had to say what I felt. I know you can't ask for yourself, you're too proud for that; it's one of the things I love about you. I've only been here a few months but some of what I've seen has really upset me. If I hadn't said what I did last night I wouldn't have been doing my duty as a friend; I would have been just as negligent as they've been."

"I just can't believe you would yell at them like that. We've all been through so much together. They've always been there for me when I needed them, like Willow with her antidote and Xander hunting the demon. They're my friends."

"All the more reason they should be looking out for you instead of trying to get you to ignore your problems."

"I don't have any problems." I looked into her eyes and touched her hand with mine.

_'It's me, remember? I know you like no-one else does.'_ She nodded and changed the subject, not wanting to get into that right now.

"What else did you tell them?" I went on about my own death experience trying to play it down to her, how could it compare with both of hers? Then I finished up with my plan to take her and Dawn away starting this weekend and taking as much time off as we needed. Her eyes got wide at the prospect of just going away for a week and she instantly had objections.

"I can't just take a week off work without notice. Plus I need the money for the bills that are coming up and Dawn has school. We can't just drop our lives to run off and have fun."

"It's not about having fun. It's about getting you away from the everyday stress around here. We just need to relax for little while, take a break from the chaos that's been going on lately. And don't worry about work and school stuff, it's taken care of."

"What do you mean it's taken care of? What did you do?" I could tell the prospect of a vacation was starting to appeal to her and her last question sounded more mischievous than annoyed.

"Well, I was talking with your boss the other day when I went to pick you up and you weren't there. She told me that if you needed anything just to let her know. She seems to really like you and she was worried about how you were feeling. I'm sure all I have to do is ask and she'll let you take a week to recuperate. And don't worry about the bills, I have the feeling our friends are about to inundate you with some monetary stability." She rolled her eyes at that but wouldn't let the issue drop.

"What about Dawn's school? Education is important." I nodded at the mom in her voice but was ready for that one too.

"We'll leave on Friday after she gets out of school. I'll have her get some assignments she can work on in the car. Plus Monday is a school holiday so all in all she'll miss maybe two or three days." She seemed to be still on the fence, wanting to get away but not ready to have Dawn be delinquent from school. "Of course, it's entirely your call and you can go ahead and tell her she can't come with us." She seemed to play that scene out in her mind and shuddered at Dawn's response. I smiled gently as she gave in to my plan. She lay back down against me rolling her body against mine and with her head on my chest.

"Okay, I give up; you win. Tell me about our special trip. What kind of stress free activities do you have in mind?"

"Uh uh, nothing doing; you don't get to stress until we're on our way. I'll handle the planning, you just get to pack and ride." She smiled at my assertiveness and didn't ask any more questions I finally glanced at the clock to see it was only about two thirty in the morning and concentrated on the light switch as my lips found hers, pulling her on top of me. If I couldn't get back to sleep I knew I could find other ways to occupy my time until morning. We did actually get another few hours of sleep before her alarm went off. She rolled out of bed slapping her clock and was in the shower faster than I could say lickety-split. I was left with a grin on my face as she disappeared with a wink behind the door. I rolled myself out of bed and stretched feeling my shoulders pop before turning to the task of making the bed.

She bounced back into the room, water still dripping from her hair, wearing a towel. She smiled impudently at me as I excused myself with a bow, backing my way out the door. I tapped on Willow's door; already sure she was awake, before slowly pushing my way in only to catch a pillow with my face. I stopped and slowly opened my eyes to find her sitting on the bed and glaring at me. I expected her to still be upset, but she seemed surprisingly calm. I sat down on the edge next to her and set the pillow back on the bed.

"Buffy's doing better."

"Good. I'm glad it worked." I took a breath and sighed it back out.

"Look, I'm sorry for what I said last night; I didn't want you to feel yelled at, but I had to say how I feel. She's been hurting for a long time before this."

"I know she has. I don't know how to help her. I mean, I pulled her out of that place; I should be there for her when she needs me. You were right; it's just kind of hard to admit I haven't been there like I should. Buffy always takes care of me. I couldn't sleep last night, just thinking about what else I could have been doing around here." I reached out and patted her leg.

"I didn't want you to stress over it, but I wouldn't mind the help in backing her up." She nodded and I stood back up after a quick hug and a peck on the cheek. "I've got to go and start planning if we're going to leave tomorrow. You got class today? Good luck and I'll see you later." I smiled at her as I backed out and almost ran into Buffy as she made her way to Dawn's door. We both stopped short, our faces inches apart and I leaned down to plant a quick kiss on her lips before we separated with a smile. I made my way directly downstairs, rubbing sleep out of my eyes and checking my breath, heading for the kitchen. I poured juice and looked into the fridge for supplies. I decided that omelets have been kind of overdone lately and started on some French toast batter. Buffy came in shortly after I started and she grabbed the glass of juice from the counter to come up behind me wrapping her free arm around me.

"Whatcha doing?" I smiled as I flipped the browning pieced in the pan with a

flick of my wrist.

"Making breakfast before I go."

"Go? Where ya' going?"

"Well, I've got to go to my apartment to plan this thing without you gazing over my shoulder the whole time. Besides, I've got to go by your work to get you the week off, Dawn's got school; and if I stay here by myself another day I'll end up cleaning everything again."

"And the downside of that would be?" I gave her a mock glare and pulled up a corner of one of the pieces to check to see if it was brown enough and then turned to find a plate to put them on.

"Very funny, Miss Smarty Pants. I'm also going to see if there's another job I can do in the area to give us some more breathing room." She looked around the house and I could hear the thought behind her gaze wondering what she was going to in her house all day. I waited through another batch without hearing any ideas before looking back at her and feeling myself cave.

"Did you want to come with me? I guess I could let you put your two cents in." Smiles like hers should come with warning labels. I felt my puppy love grin spring to my face as she quickly agreed. I put the plate on the counter and made my way around to her side, taking her in my arms. I'd just planted a solid kiss on her lips when I heard the voice behind me.

"Good morning." We both jumped a little, but she didn't pull away from me at Dawn's greeting. I smiled at the younger Summers and pointed at the pile of French toast before her. She grabbed some juice and sat down to eat while I went back to the pan and started another batch. I wrote out a note to her teachers for extra assignments and had Buffy sign it. None too soon, we heard Xander's horn outside and Dawn ran upstairs for her bag. Xander came into the kitchen, a little nervous, and purposefully kept from looking in my direction as he asked Buffy how she was doing. Dawn came back downstairs as I was offering him some breakfast. He still avoided my eyes as he told me he'd already eaten. He left a minute later after saying goodbye to Buffy and she and I were left looking at each other.

"Well, that was a little awkward."

"A little; Willow seemed more open minded about my talk with them last night. I'll work on talking with him when we get back." She was agreeing that that was a good idea as Willow came into the kitchen. I held out a plate to her which she took gravely and with a little bow, as though it were a silver platter, before breaking into a slightly silly grin.

"Well looks like you two are still getting along alright. Any idea why Xander had such a tough time with your little talk last night? You didn't talk about Anya, did you?" I shook my head; even I wouldn't stoop that low.

"I hurt his pride. Sometimes being told you're wrong and realizing it are two very different and very difficult things." Willow nodded and, with her mouth full, told us she'd try to talk to him after we'd left. I started cleaning up the kitchen only to be brushed aside by Buffy and being ordered to eat before my food got cold. I sheepishly sat down and started in, not realizing how hungry I was until the food touched my lips. I thought back to the last meal I'd had, breakfast yesterday, and shook my head. Why did I do that to myself? I finished both slices and the banana Buffy'd thrown at me from the fridge and rose to wash my dishes only to have them taken from me and quickly washed by Willow. I looked quickly around the kitchen to see what else needed cleaning and leaned back slightly, my hands on my hips and a grin on my face, as I realized it was already being done. I shook my head at Slayer healing powers and asked her how long before she'd be ready to head out. She disappeared in the direction of the stairs with a smile on her face and no answer for me. I looked at Willow who shrugged at me and sat down at the counter.

"I'm glad that's over. Crazy Buffy just isn't one of my favorites."

"She's trying to spring back too quickly. Super healing aside, she's doing too much to make sure we think she's okay." I tapped the side of my head significantly. "She can't hide from me." Willow nodded.

"It's good you're getting her away for a while. I just hope Dawn won't be any trouble." She stood and we walked into the living room and I gave her a hug as Buffy came down the stairs with her bag in her hand and I opened the door. Buffy wished Willow a good day and closed the door behind her before making her way to my car. We let the radio do the talking, but held hands on our way to the apartment. My first order of business was a shower, but I pulled a map out of my laptop bag before heading in to get cleaned up. _'Oregon?'_ I chuckled at her surprised question but kept my silence as I stepped under the warm running water. I took my time, fully enjoying the warmth and the massaging jets of water on my back. Looking at myself in my still broken mirror, making a mental note to replace it, I ran my hand through my short full beard wondering if I should shave it or at least trim it down. _'Leave it, I like the way it tickles.' _I was still grinning as I stepped out of the bathroom and into her baleful yet slightly humorous glare.

"And what, pray tell, is in Oregon?" I moved to her side where she'd spread the map out on the coffee table and planted my finger on one of our stops.

"Crater Lake." She read. "And what is Crater Lake?" I silently pointed at the legend at the side of the tourist map that bore the description of each landmark and let her read for herself. I moved over to my laptop bag and pulled out a notebook, turning to a blank page.

"Go ahead and read through the descriptions for the touristy traps and for some of these sights too. See if there's anything else you might want to do while we're there?" I wrote out a few things and names of some towns on the notebook and handed her the torn out sheet of paper. Unhooking the power cord, I carried my laptop to the couch and sat down beside her. I was absorbed in reading through work reports form my server and didn't notice her looking at me.

"What are you reading?" I glanced at her face and back at the screen before grinning and leaning back to tilt the screen so she could read it.

"Work reports; I started kind of a loose company for other people who do what I do. Jobs are posted on a secure server or in secure mailboxes broken up by part of the country. A Hunter just calls into the mailbox from say New York and he'll get all the jobs lined up for New York, New Jersey, all the way up to New England. He takes the job he wants, call in to confirm he's on it and who he's dealing with, and then again after he completes it. Everyone carries a camera like this that can be hooked up to a normal phone line to upload the pictures for verification. They can even use our server to clear credit cards and dump their fee into their own accounts. The company gets fifteen percent off the top to keep the server running, tech support, and a dispatch fee for my information center."

"Information center?"

"Yeah, these five guys who take shifts running checks through 'secure' government servers for information on the run. I call a number and they get me anything from date of birth to their last tax return and whether they take sugar in their coffee or not."

"Wow. And you like own the company?"

"Yeah, but I don't get paid very much unless I do my own jobs. I just don't have to pay the commission fees. On any given day I've got maybe fifty employees, with about twenty regulars who only go hunting. My best guys get the hardest jobs from the richest employers; which means they get the biggest commissions. I also get them to write out the more unusual parts of their jobs and post them. The information guys go through them for patterns and clues to other cases."

"Sounds like a pretty organized gig."

"Practically runs itself."

"So any jobs going on around here."

"Unfortunately for my bank account, you do a good job of keeping the demon cases to a minimum. There are a few here that could probably be taken care of pretty quickly today and tomorrow. Feel like getting paid for your calling?" She nodded and smiled.

"Yes please. If I'd have known about this, I wouldn't have had a problem getting a loan for my re-pipe." I showed her the website and the three jobs called in for the area. One was only a block or so away for a man named Vargas. He had a nest in one of his properties, unknown number of vampires, but he's offering five thousand. Buffy wanted to leave immediately.

"Wait, there's more to do here." I pulled up a schematic of the building in question and showed her the entrances and exits, the blind corners, and the possible hiding places.

"I'll let you do the negotiating, but the best way is to have the client there when we go in and you charge him per kill. The more kills increases the risk to us, raising the price."

"Us? I thought I'd go do this while you finished reading your stuff and planning our trip. I'll be back before lunch." I readjusted myself, pulling my right leg onto the couch so I could look at her face to face and pulled her hands into mine.

"If you think I'm letting you go into a nest alone the day after you were crazy then you're... crazy. I don't want you to push yourself too hard yet if you don't have to. We don't know if your reflexes are a touch off or how many you'll be facing in there."

"All the more reason to help out this Vargas guy as soon as possible. Plus, jumping right back on the horse; best way to get back in the game." She groans and pulls her hands away from me to do a single flounce standing up and turning back to me. "I have to do this; it's my job even if I wasn't going to get paid for it. I am getting paid for it, right?" I nodded and couldn't help the grin on my face.

"Which is why I'm not stopping you, I'm only saying 'let me tag along'. Just in case." We went over a few more details and I called Vargas on my cell to tell him we'd meet him at his office. As promised, I let Buffy handle all of the details and name her own price. I wasn't surprised when he agreed quickly to her offer of five hundred a vamp. She even listened to my advice for setting a nominal fee for fewer than six kills. Shortly he was telling his boss he was taking a few hours off and following us to the building. Shortly after we got there he was standing around nervously while I stood by my open trunk reloading my magazines with the General's special rounds. Buffy was standing by shaking her head and making sure she had a few stakes tucked into her clothing and then reached past me to pull out a sword, giving it a quick spin.

"Didn't I tell you those things are never useful?" I grinned at the memory but pulled out my second pistol, a duplicate of the other, and loaded them both. I moved to the side of the door, telling the client to stand behind Buffy and to follow me in, staying behind me. He nodded nervously, sunlight gleaming off his balding head, and did as I said. After my nod Buffy stepped forward and kicked the door stepping through it. I followed a pace behind and did a quick survey of the room, my pistol indexing itself on my first target. I fired, watching as my round found its heart and counted out loud "One." As it dissolved the surprised expression was the last thing to go. Buffy quickly yelled out "Two" as her stake found her target and it too exploded into dust. I fired twice more at another target and shouted "Three" as I stopped its jump midair. Back and forth we counted up to seven in the first room and I checked to make sure Vargas was alright. He was standing clutching the doorway with white knuckled hands and an eager, bloodthirsty look plastered on his face. Buffy was moving toward the doorway to the next room and I grabbed his lapel to drag him in after us as I followed her in. She was already on "Nine" by the time I got there but I found Ten, Eleven, and Twelve as she started her way up the stairs.

The house was slowly cleared one room at a time and with every kill Vargas got slightly more animated. Buffy's stake found the last unwelcome guest and she sounded out "Sixteen" with a very big grin on her face. We took the plywood down from the inside of the windows and let the sunlight stream into every room of the house before walking an ecstatic Vargas out the front door to the waiting cars. He happily wrote out a check for the appropriate amount and promised he'd tell his friends about our service. We let him pull away and I opened my trunk again to hand Buffy a towel and to wipe down my pistol before reloading it and tucking it back into my pants. She handed it back to me and went back to admiring the check as I wiped the sweat from my brow and the back of my neck.

"Easiest eight grand I've ever made." I nodded at her comment as she tucked the check into her back pocket. I drove us back to my apartment and after quickly checking my own account balance handed her the laptop to read through the other jobs available in the area. I turned to the map with my notebook and checked out the few places she thought we should check out. My stomach's growling interrupted my itinerary and I looked up at Buffy's chuckle.

"Let me take you out to lunch." She stood and went to the door, tossing me my jacket and waiting for me to follow her. We drove first to her bank to deposit the check before finding a little outdoor café for a very nice meal. She picked up the check and we sat enjoying the rest of our celebratory margaritas as she slipped me an envelope across the table. I picked it up but did not open it.

"What's this?"

"Ten percent; I figure I get a discount for sleeping with the boss." Don't ever spray margarita out your nose. The other patrons looked at us in shock as I tried to clean up the mess on the table; luckily I'd missed hitting anybody else. We quickly made our escape to the glares of the assembled party and had made it into the car before I looked again at the envelope.

"I don't think I can accept this, I don't really need it." I tried to hand it back to her, but she held up a hand forestalling my action.

"Keep it. If I'm going to work for you I'm going to do it right and proper, with a few exceptions." I shrugged and dropped the envelope in my lap to take her hand in mine while I drove us back to the apartment. I figured I'd just look at it as her contribution to our vacation. Back at my place she went back online, asking only occasionally for help, as I hit the map again. I had started calling around to make reservations and checking items off my 'to do' list when she called my attention back to the screen.

"What the heck is that?"

"I'm not sure how you say it, but this guy says he's got one. I'm going to go handle it, unless of course you want to baby sit me again?" My grin answered her invitation and I stood to stretch my arms out.

"How do you kill it again?"

"The usual. Already called the client." I nodded and pulled on my jacket holding open the door and bowing to let her precede me. She hurried out and led the way to the car with me following her quickly. We were in the car and on our way with me following her directions to, of all places, the police station. I stood at the door of the detective's office looking out as he laid the deal on the line and listened through Buffy's negotiations. I let her play the entire deal herself again and then we rode out leaving him there. Basically, the department didn't want to acknowledge the existence of such creatures, but the one in question had been spotted repeatedly on surveillance video's robbing stores downtown. He'd pay us to take care of this problem and we'd both part ways silently. Buffy waited till we got to the car to ask if I'd ever done any jobs for the cops before.

"It's rare, but it does happen. They want to take care of the problem but they don't want to come out and say demons are real; it's a thing. My guys know to watch out for themselves when dealing with the law and the government, but we haven't had any problems before." We made our way to the last known location and hunting around for the demon filled the next few hours. I finally tucked the sword I'd been carrying into my jacket and we made our way to the bar, the closest place for some water and a bathroom. There sitting on a stool in the back was our guy. Buffy sighed and reached into my jacket, pulling out my sword and cutting off it's head before handing it back to me and heading into the bathroom. I wiped the still dripping blade on a napkin and tossed a hundred dollar bill onto the table asking for a glass of water from the bartender. He didn't even look at me askance as he put some ice in a glass and filled it, set it on the counter and tucked the bill away in a single motion. He waved at a guy in the back and two guys came to drag the body into the street after I took a picture.

"Where did it go?" I turned and handed her the glass as I took a shot of whiskey myself before answering her.

"It's gone and I paid off the bartender. Want a drink?" She did look at me askance and seemed reluctant. "C'mon, in celebration. My treat." She finally nodded and I tapped the bar ordering two more shots. We took them together and she made a weird 'Gahh' sound as she grimaced. I chuckled and she slapped my arm as she put the glass back on the bar. I dropped a ten on the bar to see it disappear similarly and led the way out to the car. I glanced at her on our way back to the apartment as she opened her mouth wide in a massive yawn.

"Maybe the alcohol wasn't such a good idea. Are you getting sleepy?" She caught herself mid-yawn and glanced at me as she put her hand over her mouth.

"I'm okay, just a little tired I guess."

"Sure you didn't push yourself too far today? It's your first day back in the game, why don't we leave the rest till tomorrow?"

"Okay, I can do that." She stifled another yawn and shortly we were there. She made it up the stairs into the apartment and directly to my couch where she lay down and closed out what she'd left running on the laptop. I chuckled as I picked up her feet and sat down beneath them as I reached for my 'to do' list and made sure there wasn't anything I could do tonight.

"So diving, skydiving, or skiing?" I looked over to see her slumbering peacefully against my couch pillow. I toyed with the idea of putting her back in the car and taking her back to the house but decided it was just too much work. I did pull out my cell phone and called the house to let Dawn know that we were safe and at my place. I let her get to sleep herself after I made sure she was okay and that Willow was there with her. I sent a silent thread of a thought out to find Willow doing some kind of schoolwork. I let her know where we were and sent her the mental picture of Buffy's sleeping form and felt her grin of a response. I gently took her shoes and socks off and then carefully picked her up and laid her down on my bed. I tucked her in gently before taking a quick shower and finding some clean shorts to lie down next to her.

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­------------------

She woke me up again that morning. She did it quietly and it brought me awake in an instant as her lips touched my skin. I jerked upward, my hand going for my pillow and the pistol beneath it but she stopped my motion with a strong hand pushing me right back down against said pillow. She moved from my chest up to my face and her lips found mine gently at first and then more forcefully. I gave way to her ideas of morning exercise and it wasn't until ten o'clock that we said a word to each other. We were curled up together under the sheets and sunlight streamed through the window. I stroked her hair back from her face and kissed her forehead.

"Good morning, beautiful."

"This isn't my room." I chuckled as I answered.

"No. No, it's not. Is that a problem?"

"I don't think so. Did you call Dawn?"

"Called Dawn and Willow, they were both fine and knew where you were."

"I could get used to this."

"I hope so." I kissed her again and we lay there for a few more minutes, the juice in the kitchen pouring itself into two glasses. Slowly and painfully they made their way across the living room, into the bedroom, to find my waiting hands.

"I could definitely get used to this." I smiled as I sipped from my glass and then put it on the bedside table as I rolled my feet off the bed and sat up to stretch. She lay there looking at me as I found my shorts and put them on and made my way to the bathroom. I came back to find her pulling her jeans on and then standing up from the bed to find her shirt.

"Did you want to do another job today or should I just take you back to your house so you can pack?" She seemed to think for a few seconds with her finger touching her face next to her lips.

"I do need to pack, and I suppose I can do more when we get back. I should definitely try and see Dawn off to school." I pointed at the clock next to the bed and she looked sheepish as she continued. "Or maybe not. Yes I need to pack and I definitely need a shower."

"You don't smell bad to me. In fact, you smell a lot like... me." We kissed again and I found my pants from yesterday pulling them on. I grabbed a clean shirt from a drawer, pulling it on as I made my way to the kitchen to start breakfast. We ate in silent companionability and it wasn't until the dishes were washed that I asked her if she thought skiing would be a good idea for our trip.

"Skiing? Like me on skis? I don't know about that, but we could try it I guess." I guess she'd never been, so that meant Dawn probably hadn't done it before either. I looked down at the pad and made sure the whole day would be set aside for that. It wasn't long for her to be ready to go and I led the way down to the car. I kissed her at her door and told her I'd be back to pick them up around four. I quickly made my way back to the apartment and jumped on the phone. With all of our activities generally planned out and reserved I glanced at the clock and practically ran into the bedroom. I stood in the center frantically looking around from the closet to the dresser, the list of things to pack no where to be found. I sighed and started from scratch, folding shirts and tucking them into place in the sports bag I'd bought for the trip. I had time to go over the new list one last time before I had to leave and pick up the girls. I even swung by the police station with the camera and the pictures from last night to pick up the bounty. The detective shook my hand with a wide smile on his face as he walked me to my car and I resisted the urge to peel out of the lot. I parked and walked through the front door to stop in surprise. Looking around at the pile of bags in the otherwise empty living room I asked a rhetorical question to no-one in particular.

"I did say ONE week, didn't I?" I asked the question of no-one but the sound of my voice inspired a flurry of motion as Buffy made her way down the stairs to the last few and jumped into my arms. She kissed me before I let her down and she turned to look back up the stairs for Dawn. The latter came down wearing her backpack and carrying books.

"I can't believe you made me bring schoolwork on vacation." I smiled at her gloomy tone, her excitement from the other night forgotten at the prospect of imminent boredom.

"Look at it this way, what else are you going to do on the long and otherwise boring car ride?" She didn't look any happier, but just put her bag and books down to survey the already heaping pile. Buffy joined her and then turned to her sister to ask if there was anything they thought they'd forgotten. I gestured meekly at the pile of baggage to my left with a clearly questioning look on my face. Buffy pretended to not understand what I was talking about and Dawn turned to her sister to say that she thought they'd gotten everything.

"Everyone ready to go? Let's get started." Buffy and Dawn each grabbed a few bags, and made their way out the door I'd opened before stepping up to the pile grabbing a heavy bag in my left, tucking a smaller bag under my left arm and picking up another heavy bag in my right... only to find it not heavy. Like the empty kind of not heavy. I looked up sharply at Buffy's and Dawn's peals of laughter.

"Sorry, those were just there to freak you out. I think we did a pretty good job." Buffy turned to Dawn and they both nodded in satisfaction before throwing their small bags back in next to the stairs and grabbing the appropriate bags, setting a few aside for me. With a bemused expression I picked up the three bags in front of me and made my way out, closing the door with my knee. I opened the trunk and started fitting the bags in carefully as Buffy ran back up to lock the front door and Dawn settled herself in the back seat. Buffy came back to help me with the last few bags and gave me another quick kiss before heading to the passenger seat and I closed the trunk.

"Shouldn't we say goodbye to Willow?"

"She's at class, I think. I left a note to remind her where we were and put your phone number with it so she can reach you." I nodded and started the car to back us out and get us on our way to the interstate. We drove for quite a few hours and well into the darkness before stopping at the first motel for the night. I went in to check us in, leaving the car in the drop off lane. I came out to find Dawn wrapping up some math homework and Buffy trying to read my coded notes.

"Those won't help, babe. If you can break that code I can definitely find you a better job than working for me. I've got good news and bad news. The good news is they booked my reservation and there's a heated pool. The bad news is that instead of two rooms with one bed, I got one room with two beds."

"That's not a problem, we'll make it work."

"Dawn, do you mind sharing a bed with your sister?" I braced myself for the answer, knowing I might wind up on the floor.

"You guys do know I know you're together, right. You can totally share a bed in front of me. As long as there are no weird sounds coming from that side of the room, we'll be alright." I couldn't help the grin that came to my face at her comment, but left the decision up to Buffy as I remained silent and pulled the car around closer to our room. I handed the keys to Buffy and made my way to open the trunk. Buffy in turn handed the keys to Dawn and told her to head up with her backpack before making her way back to help me out. Super strength comes in handy, I can vouch for that. I was left carrying just two bags including my own and managed to close the trunk and make sure the car was locked before following the two girls up the stairs.

The two beds were nice sized and the room was cozy if not spacious. The girl's bags were in a row at the foot of one bed so I threw my bag beside the other before adding Buffy's bag to the others. I looked around for Dawn but figured she was already in the bathroom. I pulled out a pair of shorts and my personal hygiene kit from my bag and sat down on the bed closest to the door finding it rather comfortable. Buffy found the remote and clicked on the TV to some kind of sitcom before rummaging through her bag for similar items.

"So what do you want to do tonight?" She quirked an eyebrow and I quickly amended my question. "With the beds. Where do you want to sleep? Or do I get the floor?" She spoke and there was humor in her voice at the mental image.

"We could both get the floor. I don't know if I'm ready to decide yet. I think I'm going to wait until after Tai chi." I nodded at her course of action and the conversation was forestalled by Dawn coming out of the bathroom in a sweat suit and Buffy taking her turn to change.

"You know you don't have to come along for this. Don't get me wrong, I think you'll get something out of it and it'll probably be a good lead in for your anti-demon training down the road." She perked up at the last part and I got the impression it hadn't started it yet but was eager too.

"I'm up for it. Totally ready to get started." Buffy came out quickly in her own workout pants and zip up sweater top. I was in and out myself, just trading the pants for my pair of shorts and reapplying some deodorant. We each brought hand towels with us as we left the room. I made sure I had my key before we left and checked the handle to make sure the door was locked.

Tai chi stretching exercises took place by the pool to the amusement of a few scattered on lookers. Most of their amusement was the leader, me, wearing just a pair of shorts while I led the exercises. There were a few ignored comments from the well heated pool to the effect of me being a crazy man. Tai chi shortly turned into yoga which is more about mind control over your body. We were at it for a good forty five minutes before I told Dawn to start stretching and shortly any amusement the other guests derived from our little show melted away as Buffy and I moved into more advanced exercises.

Putting my other hand to the ground and switching my weight to it while keeping my feet in the air is not easy, hearing other people remark in awe about it is. Ten minutes of that and another difficult exercise later and we started cool down stretches. One of the guests actually climbed out of the pool to ask me if he could find classes in the area. I smiled as I shook his appreciative hand and told him what to look for in a yoga or tai chi class before finding my shirt and leading the way back to the hotel room, toweling off as I walked.

Mind control or not, it was nice to get back into the warm hotel room. Northern California is not the most comfortable place to wear shorts in late January. We followed the same marching order for the shower as we had to change. It seemed like a very long time for Dawn to make her way out of the shower and into the inner bed where she reached for the remote and changed whatever dribble was on to some random cartoons.

"Have you started any kind of training yet?" She shook her head, her attention still on the rabbit hitting the duck with a hammer.

"Nope; Buffy thinks I'm still too young and that I need to be protected from that kind of stuff. I'm as old as she was when she started fighting vampires."

"Yeah, but you're also not big with the super strength. Which is not to say your training shouldn't happen, but it should be moved into carefully so we don't hurt you during training. If you're going to be hurt it should be on the street where violence belongs." She glanced at me with a smile at my mocking serious tone. Buffy came out with a wash of steam and the scent of vanilla which I breathed in to sigh back out.

"I won't be long." I made my way in to take care of business and to clean myself up. I stood for a minute under the nice warm water, finally scaring the chill from my bones. That is until the deliciously warm water became freezing cold in an instant and I forced myself to complete the cleansing process. I stood beneath the near frozen torrent with my head against my hands resting on the tile in front of me forcing my body to relax for a long moment. I shut the water off and climbed out to towel myself dry and grabbed a clean pair of shorts taking my dirty clothes with me as I stepped out. I found Buffy sitting on the edge of my bed talking with Dawn about something and I crossed to my bag to stow my hygiene kit and looked again at Buffy before pulling back the covers and crawling beneath the cool sheets. I realized that both Dawn and I were looking at Buffy expectantly and I shook my head and looked at the light switch to force it downward leaving the room lit with the TV screen. I heard and felt my covers move before Buffy leaned over to give Dawn a goodnight kiss and then pulled herself beneath the covers next to me, planting her cold feet against my leg making me jump. As Buffy settled herself I told Dawn goodnight and to turn off the TV when she was ready, reminding her what time we had to get up the next day. Pulling Buffy against me I kissed her neck and whispered a goodnight into her ear before closing my eyes, immersing myself in the sweet vanilla smell of her hair.


	21. It's a Zen thing

My eyes opened as the light from the suddenly drawn back curtains fills the room. I vaguely make out a shape standing silhouetted in the brightness, but my drowsy eyes couldn't make out the figure was Dawn until she moved to the foot of the bed where she stared down at us with her hands on her hips. Beside me Buffy groaned as she instinctively rolled away from the light, still asleep. I wiped my eyes with the hand that wasn't currently pinned by the weight of the Slayer and looked back up at Dawn's face, trying to make out her expression. I decided it was definitely a frown and decided to start out with a general question.

"What's up?"

"Do you have any idea what time it is?" I looked around quickly and down at my watchless wrist before flicking my eyes to the open window again.

"Day time?" I could see the smile war for control of her face and almost win before her cute scowl returned in full force.

"It's almost a half hour after you told me we could get started with our-"I cut her off with a my hand as I gestured at her still (I hoped) sleeping older sister in my bed. Carefully and very slowly I extracted my pinned arm from beneath her and rolled out of bed to pull on my sneakers. I motioned for Dawn to follow me quietly out of the room and around to the grassy area next to the pool. We stretched out quickly and squared off against each other.

"Now remember, I'm not going to hurt you, but you will get hit. For this, our first time, I want you to use everything you have to try to hit me. Don't worry about hurting me; I think I can take it." She giggled a little at my sarcasm until she caught my glare and sobered up quickly. I nodded for her to begin and she took a quick breath before launching her attack. She started with a punch; I blocked to the outside, stepping forward to body check her and wrap my other arm around her neck. The application of a little leverage and my forward momentum brought her body parallel to the ground to be stopped in an abrupt position similar to a dancing dip, accompanied nicely by her sharp intake of breath. We froze there in tableau for a long second of her surprised eyes looking up into mine before I helped her back to her own balance.

"You overreached yourself. Keep your jabs short and fast, sometimes it's better to stun an opponent and set them up for your next attack than trying to knock them over outright. Understand?" She nodded quickly and reset herself as I took a step back. "Try again." Her next try was a lot better, leading with a quick jab aimed at my nose which I dodged with a quick sideways motion of my head only to have to block her right knee trying to find my sternum. She pulled it back quickly and brought her left leg up to prevent my coming after her as she stepped back but then put it back down when I didn't follow up. She held her hands up and waited. I moved in, leading with my left and following with my right in a simple one two combination, she dodged and rebalanced quickly, but her footwork needed work. I brought my right leg up in a kick and watched her block it with both hands, we'd need to work on that too. We sparred back and forth for a few minutes while I evaluated what she already knew and what she still needed work on. What really surprised me was how well she did, both with taking a few hits and in her overall speed and coordination. Maybe a little bit of her sister's Slayerness got included in the package. I'd have to think about that later.

We covered a very few improvements and going over how to work them into her technique. I decided the best plan would be to take it slowly, one step at a time. We stretched and cooled down before bowing formally to each other and making our way back to the hotel to get ready. I was worried about Buffy being awake and waiting for us, but she was right where I'd left her. Dawn took her turn in the shower and changing and I woke up Buffy before taking my turn to hurry in and out. While Buffy got cleaned up I was packing up and it wasn't long before we were checked out and enjoying the free continental breakfast in the hotel lobby. We made our way back to the car and were soon on our way down the road.

"So where's the first stop, captain?" I glanced back at Dawn who was spending more time looking out the window than down at her book before answering Buffy's teasing question.

"Why, got to use the bathroom already?" She put on indignant Buffy face and slapped my arm lightly as she answered.

"No, silly. I just want to know where I'm going to work off my stress today. Is that too much to ask?"

"Not at all; but why ask when you can read." I pointed to a road sign we were about to pass.

"California redwood forest? Sounds exciting." Gotta love sarcasm.

"Do you trust me?"

"Of course."

"Good." We drove on, holding hands after I leaned back and tapped my finger on Dawns open book making her jump and glare. Shortly we were pulling through the entrance of the national park and then beyond the edge of the side parking lot through the temporarily removed barricade. The girls both perked up as we ignored the 'authorized vehicles only' sign and drove down the unpaved road to a remote park office and storage area. I parked in that lot and made sure the girls had comfortable shoes before making my way to the office to shake hands and thank the only man in the office. Back at the car I pulled on my hiking backpack and led the way down a partially obscured and obviously rarely used path. We hiked for a good half hour at a pretty light relaxed pace, surrounded by the gentle sounds of nature and the deep greens of the thick vegetation. Looking around, it almost reminded me of the jungle where... I shied away from those thoughts and concentrated instead on the blond beside me barely sweating and absently tucking a stray strand of hair away from her face. Glancing back at Dawn was a different picture. She walked with her head down trying not to stumble or trip on a root. She seemed to be enjoying this part of the trip less, but I was sure she too would relax when we stopped.

The clearing I had in mind was found easily enough after finding my landmark and I dropped the bag as Buffy stretched and Dawn suppressed a yawn with her hand. From the bag sprang first bottles of water to be tossed at the girls and then the portable radio/CD player. I prepped it to play the CD quietly and waited till they were ready to get started. I walked them through some tai chi like motions and then into some gentler, more soothing motions. After they got the rhythm, we kept moving as I walked them through a mental journey leading from the woods to the place they felt the most safe, their 'cave' if you will. I joined them on the journey toward freeing the mind from earthly concerns and we spent hours like that on end before I slowly brought them back out of their self induced trance and back to the world. Buffy's eyes fluttered open and I could feel through our link her new appreciation for the natural beauty surrounding her. Dawn kept her eyes closed and though I couldn't tell exactly what she was thinking, I sensed a reluctance to leave her fantasy world behind. I took a sip from my water bottle and stopped the repeating CD to begin packing it away. The bag packed I looked back around to see Buffy bent over admiring a pretty flower and Dawn looking around at the massive trees as if seeing them for the first time.

"Ready to go back?" I kept my voice gentle, as I had during the fantasy walk, but not as soothing as both girls looked at me and shook their heads as one to the sound of my gentle chuckle. "Good." I left the bag there and led the way a little further into a thicker and darker part of the forest, giving way to a larger clearing and the small lake within it. I heard the soft intake of breath from Dawn behind me as she saw the collection of wildlife gathered for water. I'm no expert at fauna in the area, but a few of what looked to be deer were gathered at the far edge of the, I'll even call it a pond it was so small. There were a few birds in the trees around despite the chilly air and some smaller animals like rabbits and even a chipmunk or two, or maybe they were squirrels. I gestured for them to sit and watch for a while as they unwound and adjusted themselves into their new way of looking at the world. Almost another hour was spent beneath those trees and admiring that world, apart from and free of our normal world of violence, malcontent, and stress.

Eventually a very earthly concern, hunger, prevailed over any desire to stay removed from the world that also involved fast food. We made our way back to the car, picking up my bag on the way, in much less time than we'd taken getting to our little clearing. It wasn't long before we were a few exits down the highway chomping down on some rather good tacos, considering how far north we were from the border. It wasn't too long before we were back on the road heading for parts unknown, to them anyway. The highway stretched on before us and Buffy and I spoke only a few comments about songs on the radio or 'hey did you see that's'. It was a comfortable silence, shared by all three of us. We stopped at a gas station to fill up and for other necessities, but I noticed the looks the girls gave the bright commercialized world and how they took their time to re-immerse themselves in it. I reminded Dawn about her homework and she griped about it, saying she had plenty of time, until I pointed out that the sooner she got done, the more enjoyment was to be had.

We made one more stop of note in California, well a small note anyway. The store was small and off the beaten path a bit, but well worth the trip. I held the door open and let the girls precede me into the small and earthy smelling shop. I watched them from a place near the door as they browsed through the shops inventory, their fingers lightly brushing against some hanging pendants on leather straps or running through real fur coats and other apparel from animals hunted and killed in the old and honorable ways. The owner came out of the back and smiled as she saw me.

"Goddess brought you to my door again, blessed one." Her speech was precise and had the rounded tones of the intelligent or maybe the nobility.

"Goddess does have a way of watching out for me, learned one. How've you been?" We bowed to each other, her with her hands together and me with my left hand covering my right fist.

"I am well. How could I be otherwise, doing what I love so much; what the Goddess has chosen for me? And what brings you to my door again, my friend?" I indicated the two girls still browsing lightly through her shop and found myself speaking with a smile on my face.

"I come on behalf of my temporary charges. I'm taking them on a vacation from their normal world, their everyday stresses. I thought I might find them a focusing item here. Think you can give me a hand?"

"I think that can be arranged." I called the girls over and introduced them to Mistress Allovette who smiled and shook hands with each in turn. As she touched Buffy's hand with her own there was small flash of light and an invisible jolt surged through her body. I stepped to her side, but it was over as soon as their skin parted. Buffy seemed unaffected but more than slightly surprised.

"That was a bit of a shock. I cannot help you with her, blessed one. She is of a power almost as old as mine, a power laced with darkness." I nodded; I'd forgotten to tell her what she obviously already knew now.

"She is the Slayer." The holy woman took in a long slow breath and sighed it out again just as slowly.

"I cannot help you with her, but I can tell you where to try. Give me a moment." She reached out hesitantly to Dawn's held out hand and the jolt that shook her matched the much brighter flash of light. She did almost fall that time and I reached out to steady her. As she opened her eyes she looked up at Dawn with awe in her almost wary gaze.

"Are you alright?" I was asking both women, the younger hadn't felt anything and nodded at me before I turned back to the holy woman still leaning on my arm.

"It is the same with her, blessed one. I cannot provide what you seek; only you can help center them. So much darkness..." Her voice faded away as she looked back to Buffy whose answering face grew cold and I almost felt her draw herself apart from those thoughts. Allovette removed her arm from mine and she excused herself to the back of the shop and I turned back to the questioning and demanding looks from the two younger and much better looking women.

"I forgot to explain, I'm sorry. She's a holy woman I met years ago before I believed in what I recently learned to be true. She tried to set me on the right path and out of my destructive one, and she almost succeeded. I brought you here for a centering object, something as simple as a feather, a stone, or even just a grain of sand. She can attune herself to people to see what they still need to be complete. I've never seen that happen before, though." Buffy was still withdrawn, hugging herself with crossed arms, and her voice was quiet as she asked her question.

"We didn't hurt her, did we?"

"No, I think she'll be alright." As though taking her cue from my words Allovette came back into the room with a cloth bag which she gravely handed to me.

"These may help you, blessed one, but they will not be all you need. You're chosen task is greater than you might imagine." I accepted the bag with equal gravity and we bowed again formally before I reached out to take her hand for myself. We'd done this before, but not with the unexpected built in fireworks. My flash of light couldn't compare with Dawn's, but it was almost as big as Buffy's.

"That wasn't supposed to happen. What's different? What did you do?"

"I did nothing. The change is in you. You have found your path and changed yourself into the man you need to be to do what you now have to do." Cryptic answers have always been her thing so I thanked her again and with another bow led the retreat to the car. We chose not to speak of the incident in the car; in fact we spoke of nothing at all, letting the radio choose our words as we all contemplated what her reaction to each of us might mean to the rest of our trip. I held out my hand to Buffy and she placed her cool one against mine as we rode together in silence.

We stopped again for dinner and then once more for the night. We brought the bags in, changed, and made our way together to nightly centering exercises. I could feel Buffy getting edgy with the lack of combat and that she needed to try and beat something up. After a glance at Dawn where she was stretching out to make sure she was watching, Buffy and I squared off and bowed before moving into an intricate and violent dance. As before with the tai chi and yoga exercises, the other patrons had a few comments to make. They were soon silenced except for a few appreciative sounds when our attacks came close and our moves became flashier. High flying kicks, throws and twirls using your opponent's momentum, and some exceptionally fast moves that couldn't be discerned for what they were by anyone watching. I could feel Buffy's growing frustration at her inability to stop me and she picked up the pace, aiming full force blows at my body and it was all I could do to not let her break me. She had quite a lot of anger built up and almost all of the good we'd done that morning was almost forgotten. Not too much longer she overreached herself almost as her sister had that morning but didn't give me the full opportunity to throw her so I launched a chasing jab of my own and winced as I connected with her jaw and felt her momentum begin to carry her backwards toward the ground. I stood looking down at her in shock for a flash of a second before she rolled to her feet and launched her own two legged attack aimed at my chest and my face. I was caught flat footed as I blocked with both hands the foot aimed at by chest, but her right foot connected with my nose and I felt it crack... again.

I heard a combined gasp and realized I was bleeding where I lay on the ground. Buffy raced to my side with one hand covering her mouth.

"Oh my God, Jake! Are you alright?" I shook my head to clear it and regretted it instantly.

"I'll be fine. My nose is broken again, isn't it?" She nodded mutely and helped me to my feet to the applause of the assembled guests. I waved with a smile on my face and asked if someone in the crowd had a mirror. A middle aged woman reached into her purse and pulled out a folding compact mirror which she obligingly held at eye level for me as I first admired the break, flattening my nose almost to touch my cheek and then grasping both sides I applied the appropriate practiced pressure to pop it back into place. I would tell you it felt better to be fixed, but I'd be lying; that thing hurt. I thanked the woman with the mirror and then, with a sweeping bow to the audience, made my way back to our room flanked by both girls trying to take care of me. I got Dawn to run by the ice machine to fill a small bag and had a few moments alone with her big sister.

"Jake, I am so sorry. I didn't mean to, it just kind of happened."

"It's not your fault; I left myself open when you went down. We still had a good run, though, and I know what I need to work on for next time." I looked around the room for my bag and went to stand up from the bed to get it but was pushed back down with one hand.

"Don't get up. What do you need?" I looked up at her genuinely worried face and couldn't help but smile at the caring I saw there.

"It's just a broken nose, babe. I'll be alright in a few minutes. I just need to get some aspirin." As I spoke I was again moving to get up only to be held down easily with one hand.

"You are not getting up until I say so. Which bag is it in?" I indicated the small black bag I kept my hygiene and medical stuff in and she bounced off her perch on the side of the bed to get it for me. She handed me the bag and went to get a glass of water which she set on the bed stand next to me before resuming her place at my side, her worried expression never wavering. I fished out the bottle of extra strength migraine pain killer and swallowed two with the water before finishing the little cup and putting the bottle back in the bag. She took it from my hands and put it back where it belonged. Her sister walked in to find her like that, holding my hand and stroking my hair. Dawn's face was almost as worried as her sister's as she handed me the bag of ice and I applied it to the bridge of my nose with a wince. I felt the pain meds kick in about ten minutes later as we lay there listening to the TV showing more cartoons. I pulled the bag off of my face and stood, shrugging out of Buffy's grab for my arm, to walk over to the mirror and survey the damage. Not too bad, I decided, I'd had worse. I'd set it correctly and it would be tender for the next few days but the bleeding had stopped and I wiped away the drying blood from the rest of my face. I glanced at the clock and decided we still had plenty of time.

"Get ready, guy's; we've still got exercises." Buffy immediately protested and Dawn sat up with a start.

"You can't be serious. You're hurt and the pain is making you delusional. Now come back here and lay down." Buffy had her resolve face on, but after seeing Willow's it just wasn't quite up to par. I shrugged of its effects and put on my own resolve face, though I called it something different; a throwback to my days training snot nosed agent wannabe's.

"I've done these exercises in the rain, in the snow, drunk, hung over, sick, and with broken ribs. I'll be damned if a little broken nose is going to stop me from doing them now. And since you both volunteered to do them with me on a nightly basis, and it is night, we're doing them together." I stood with my hands on my hips and blood on my shirt as I gave them a half force glare. I think Buffy decided it would be better to go along than to argue and have me go myself, so she glanced at Dawn and nodded. Both of them were stretching on our way back to the grass, but I wouldn't need to, I was still good from before. We bowed formally and started the exercises from the night before in almost perfect unison to the appreciative comments of the scattered audience, some of whom had been there for the fight. Buffy and I again went into some advanced moves including the one handed hand stand during which my nose started throbbing and then bleeding again. Finally I lowered myself to the ground in time to stop the blood from running into my eyes and heard Buffy's exasperated gasp as she saw my face. I smiled and started some cool down stretching, letting the blood flow unimpeded. Shortly we were heading back to the hotel room, with Buffy held back for a few words with one of the guests about what we'd been doing. I did hear one comment that made me grin even more.

"Very nice looking, but you got yourself a stubborn one there, honey. Watch out for him."

"I intend to." Buffy responded over her shoulder as she walked quickly to catch up to the two of us. Back at the room I cleaned my nose again in the mirror and washed my face and hands in the sink before taking a quick shower and changing into something I could sleep in. Buffy let Dawn take the next turn and sat with me on the bed, her frustration coming through plainly.

"Why do you push yourself like that when there's no need? I could have really hurt you tonight, I'm only lucky you're strong enough to take a hit. And then instead of taking the time to fix yourself up you had to climb right back up on the horse and push yourself harder."

"I have to push myself, Buffy, especially when I don't have to because that means I'll be able to do it again when I do. As for you hurting me, I could tell you were pulling back a little on that kick." Her face kind of twisted sideways and I couldn't tell if hurt pride was what I saw battling with her worry for me, but in the end the worry won out and she spoke again softly but with conviction.

"No, I wasn't. I'm sorry for that too. I guess I just got pissed off when you got a hit in on me and I couldn't touch you. I knew you weren't ready and I still attacked you. I'm so sorry; I didn't really mean to hurt you." My mind was stuck on something else: I knew I wasn't really hurt.

"Wait, so what you're saying is that your full force kick, which should have sent me flying into the pool, only broke my nose and put me on my back? Something isn't right here. Are you sure you were going full out and didn't pull back at the last second?" She just nodded, her eyes shining with unshed tears more from her shame at really trying to hurt me than any worry she had for me. I leaned back against the headboard and pushed a few thoughts around in my head for a minute before coming to a quick decision: wait until later, comfort Buffy now. I reached out and pulled her into myself, drawing her down next to me.

"Do you know how many times I've broken my nose? I don't. I lost count a long time ago. Hell, even a cheerleader broke my nose one time. I mean when I was cheerleading, like a regular cheerleader, not you. It happens, babe, and I got used to it a long time ago. Besides if I let a little thing like a broken nose slow me down I wouldn't be the high speed, hardcore, protector of the Slayer I am, right?" I could feel her smile against me before I saw it break through to her face, but there was still a little worry clouding her eyes. I opened myself more fully to her and with a flash of insight I realized it wasn't just about what happened but what she had been thinking about beforehand. She was still worried from Allovette's comments about her inner darkness. I looked into her eyes and she knew I'd figured out why she was really upset. She hid her eyes from me, laying her head on my chest and looking out the window.

"What is it about the darkness that makes you worry, love? You know we can fight it."

"That's not it; I've been fighting it since I was sixteen. It's something Spike said... about me." Her words came slowly and she felt me stiffen at the mention of his name.

"What did he say?"

"He talked about my darkness, how I belonged in the dark, how my darkness helps me fight... and love, like him." She shivered against me and I wrapped her more tightly in my arms.

"All I can tell you is that your darkness makes you strong. Everyone has their own darkness to deal with, their own demons to slay, ours just happen to be the literal type. Being dark doesn't mean you came back wrong and it doesn't mean your darkness makes you a bad person." She pulled back slightly from me as the bathroom door opened and Dawn came out in her PJ's. I kissed Buffy on her forehead and she got up to get ready for bed.

"Hey, you okay?" Dawn sat down on the other bed facing me as she questioned me.

"Yeah I'm fine, kiddo. How about you, feel better about training now?" She thought for a minute before nodding her head and delving off topic.

"You got a lot of scars, huh." I self consciously tried to hide my hands from view as she asked and tried to look around the room without seeming unwilling to talk about it.

"Uh, yeah, I guess you could call them a lot."

"I only mean. Well, I saw you with your shirt off yesterday and again today and I was just wondering how many you really had."

"I don't know, I never really counted." 42, if you didn't include the small ones. Time to change the subject a little. "You know, in the old American Indian lore, they say a scar tells a story and a warrior's entire life can be told from the marks on his body. A scar can be a great battle or a worthy hunt, an honorable duel or even the marks from a spirit journey."

"Spirit journey?"

"Yeah, where they get high and stumble around searching for enlightenment from a spirit guide. Sometimes it can involve starvation or sitting in a tent or a cave for days on end. The visions they get are amazing, or so I'm told."

"So you've never done one?"

"No. I've been more into the eastern and Celtic religions. They have their own ways to determine someone's destiny."

"So back to the scars. Where do they all come from?" I reluctantly pulled out my hands and stared down at them contemplating what to tell her.

"Alright, well you see this one here? I started training in martial arts back in middle school. I was sixteen, I think, and we were training for a tournament with a buddy of mine who was the same level as I was. We were going to perform a sword exhibition, choreographed of course. We were practicing and I turned aside his thrust to my left and his sword found my off hand, leaving this long mark. It actually went deep enough through this finger to cause some nerve damage and I can't even feel it when you pinch it like this." I demonstrated, pinching the end of my middle finger feeling nothing as promised.

"Wow. And that was just from training?"

"Sometimes training hurts, babe. Especially if you're doing it right." She moved across to sit down on the bed to look more closely at my hands.

"So what's this one from?" She took my left hand in hers and traced a thin and short line on the back of it. I shook my head at her choice.

"Pick another one."

"Why?"

"Bad experience, I don't want to talk about it." She examines my hands for another long moment before she moves to trace a curved one just beyond the webbing between my thumb and forefinger.

"Ahh, that one is the mark of a desperate man. I had him in a hold similar to a naked strangle, kind of- you know what, come here. It was like this." I started to demonstrate a loose kind of hold on her and showed her the mistake I'd made of hand placement. "It was like this and he couldn't break my hold on him. Go ahead and try if you like." She squirmed around a little bit and quit when she realized she couldn't escape. "He couldn't get out either and he bit me to try and get me to let go. I kept still and let him bite down, but didn't pull away so it didn't tear too badly. A few stitches later and I was good to go."

"And what happened to the guy?"

"This." I put my right hand by her jaw to simulate the bite and brought my left hand from pinning her arm down to the back of her head and gave a quick jerk that didn't even pop her neck.

"Oh, so I guess that means he didn't send you a get well soon card."

"Nope. Taliban aren't too big with the card sendage." Buffy came rounded the corner coming out of the bathroom and stopped with her hand still in her hair.

"What are you doing to my sister?" I looked down, quickly letting free my hold on her as she sat up.

"He was telling me a story about some of his scars." Buffy's eyebrow rose to an impressive angle. "I asked him about how many he had and he told me about some of the ones on his hands." Buffy looked up at me and I nodded soberly. Dawn moved back to her bed and I moved over as Buffy took her place, curling against me. I glanced at my watch before taking it off and throwing it at my bag.

"It's time for me to crash. You about ready?" Buffy nodded and Dawn stood up to shut off the light as I pulled back the covers to slide my legs beneath the sheets. I yawned once as Buffy curled herself back up against me as I lay on my back, my arm wrapped around her. She pulled her head up and kissed me very lightly on my nose before shutting her eyes.

"Good night."

A/N: Good night to all of you, must get some sleep tonight. And you must review first. Thanks.


	22. Surprise fall

That next day I followed Mistress Allovette's advice. We made our way down the highway for another few hours before finding the park I was looking for. This one was a little more formal and involved a walk around the park on cemented and guard railed trails. I was surprised at first to see it so empty, but the temperature must have been keeping the tourists away. The park was almost deserted as we parked near the bathroom and bundled up before heading down the start of the path. We rounded a turn, walking silently together in harmony, and stopped at the wondrous view before us. The waterfall started above where the path wound down and behind it to curve around below us and continue away from the falls. Dawn pulled out the disposable camera I'd gotten her when I designated her picture gal and snapped the shutter. We moved down the trail slowly and I started talking through the grounding and centering mental exercises that would start the mind control process. The idea being to identify stressful influences on your mind and set them aside to embrace the void beneath the sound.

We stuck to the path, more or less; as we walked down to a particular waterfall I had in mind for a demonstration. I finished up the talk and both women were still looking around in awe at how perfectly green and white the entire woods were around us. We stood in front of the small pool surrounded by smooth stones formed by the falling water, water too turbulent to form ice but definitely cold enough. I smiled at Buffy as her breath misted into my face and I dropped my bag and took off both my jacket and the long sleeved shirt beneath it before she got past the quirked eyebrow stage and asked me what I was doing.

"Demonstrating." I was shrugging out of my t-shirt as I answered.

"Demonstrating what?" I took off both boots and undid my belt.

"Mind control." I pulled my pants down and then my socks off to carefully pile everything away from the water. Buffy bent to touch the water after she removed her glove and jerked her hand back from the chill.

"Are you crazy?" I could only smile as I walked into the water, careful not to splash them, wearing only my shorts. The water went up to my knees, and then slowly up to my waist as I approached the falls. I took a breath to steady my control and then stepped beneath the plummeting water. I stood beneath the freezing shower, my face looking upward, my eyes closed in satisfaction. The energy in the water was amazing, the thoughts of others were gone from my head, and I was with two of my favorite people in the world; bliss was mine to be had.

"How long is he going to be in there?" I stepped out of the water at Dawn's words to see Buffy shrug out of her warm winter jacket, the heat from her body visible as the temperature change created mist. I walked back out to waist level but clear from the falls so I could hear her more clearly when I asked her what she was doing.

"Coming in. You don't think I'm going to let you have all the fun, do you?" I made my way out of the water and pushed away a shiver as the chill wind found my skin but I made it to her side as she was unlacing her boots.

"I'm sorry; I thought you said you were coming in." She nodded her head and thought her response at me.

'I am. Don't you think I can do this?' I rocked back on my heels at the inherent questions involved in her simple query. If I told her no and she came in anyway her resolve might be weakened and send her body into shock. On the other hand, if I told her yes and she wasn't she might still be in danger. In a split second I felt her resolve to do this thing and went for it, stepping closer to her as she stood again to pull off her t-shirt to reveal a tank top beneath.

"You don't have to do this."

"I know." Her voice was quiet and she kept her eyes on my face, her blond hair blowing gently in the wind.

"I mean, if you'd rather wait..."

"I'm ready. I want to." She unbuttoned her jeans and slipped them off to reveal cute little pink shorts that matched her top; figures. I almost shook my head at that but instead we clasped hands and turned, keeping eye contact, to walk slowly into the water. I watched her face for any reaction as her toes touched the liquid ice but her face was firm and with the quirky half smile that usually accompanied her mischievous face. We walked together up to her waist and then up to my waist, our eyes never wavering. We stopped before the falls so we could turn and look back at Dawn who was dipping her own fingers into the water only to jerk them back again. Buffy waved at her sister with a smile on her face as we stepped forward into the cascading falls. I stood holding her from behind as she spread her arms wide to catch as much of the falling water as she could. The water washed over our barely touching bodies until she pressed back against me as I slid my arms further around her waist, pulling her closer to me. She turned her face over her left shoulder to find my lips with her own. We stood lost in that kiss for a long and perfect moment, the sounds from the falling waves drowning out the entire rest of the world.

_'Thank you for taking me on vacation.'_ She broke her kiss to turn fully in my embrace keeping her body pressed against mine.

'_It's not over yet.'_ We turned as one to make our way out of the fall and back into less troubled water. I turned my face from Buffy's to see Dawn step barefoot with her pants pulled up into the freezing water with a wince.

"Dawn!" At her sisters cry Dawn looked up in shock losing her footing in the process to fall onto her back into the very shallow water. We raced to her side as she sat up and crawled frantically backward out of the water.

"Are you okay?" I was more worried about her having hit her head as she had a hand clutched back there, but as I reached for her she pulled her hand to the front of her face to examine the stone she was clutching tightly. I helped her to her feet and checked the back of her head anyway, but she was fine; only freezing to death. I grabbed my bag and pulled out the towels and the blanket I'd packed inside at the hotel this morning. Wrapping the blanket directly around Dawn I handed Buffy a towel and told her to get dressed. I started rubbing Dawn's feet to keep them warm and reached again into my bag for the small thin bottle inside. Buffy caught a flash of the label as I twisted off the top and handed it to Dawn.

"You're giving her booze?"

"One drink won't hurt her but it will warm her up. Just a small sip, Dawn." She did as I asked and swallowed quickly to gasp for air before coughing through her dry throat. I quickly took the bottle back from her and offered it to her sister as I thought about what to do for dry clothes. Buffy took it warily and sniffed it only to pull back with a cringe and quickly put the cap back on it. She put it back in my bag, now fully clothed, and handed me the dry towel to take over with Dawn.

"Will she be okay to get back to the car like this?" I shook my head and tossed Buffy my jeans and over shirt.

"Put these on over her other clothes, they'll keep her out of the wind until we get back to the car." I put on my socks and boots, wrapped the towel around my waist, and pulled on my jacket to help with getting Dawn dressed.

"I can't feel my toes."

"Let me know if they start to really burn." She'd only been in the water a few minutes, but getting out of her warm shoes into below freezing water without enough mind control to force her body to work could cause some difficulties. We pulled her jacket on over my shirt and got her to her feet so we could start walking back to the car. I picked her up so we wouldn't have to fight her stumbling numb feet. We made it back up to the parking lot in record time, uphill most of the way, and went directly into the enclosed lobby type area of the information office. A cup of hot chocolate and five minutes in front of the fire later and Dawn was once again smiling as she admired the stone that hadn't left her hand since her fall.

"What is it?" She grudgingly held out her hand to me as if letting me into her most sacred secret and then leaned forward to catch my reaction to her treasure. The stone was small, but polished smooth by the water and the outer edge had reflective bits that caught the flickering light from the fire giving it a dancing effect. As I looked closer I could see that from one particular angle you could see all the way through the stone to her palm, but the view was tinged with a greenish cast. I leaned back again with a smile on my face and she responded at my pleasure.

"I think some good may have come from your fall after all."

"What's that?" Buffy sat down next to me on the arm rest of the large chair I was in to hand me one of the two mugs of hot chocolate in her hands.

"I think Dawn might have found her centering object. I'll check it out a little later. Can you feel your feet yet?"

"Oh yeah, sorry I forgot to tell you. Yeah they're fine; just kinda tingly is all."

"Let's check you out then." We unwrapped her from the blanket and tugged off her shoes and socks again so I could check their color and her feeling. She was fine so she sent her sister out for some dry clothes and then changed into them in the bathroom. She came back out to hand me mine only to see my staring into the stone she'd reluctantly left with me.

"What do you think?" I looked up at her, almost surprised she was there, and then back down at the somewhat damp towel still wrapped around my legs.

"I think I'd better get dressed." I gravely handed her the stone before taking my clothes from her and making my own way into the bathroom. I came back out feeling much more like myself, my still wet clothes wrapped in the towel, to find Dawn curled up on the couch still contemplating her stone in the firelight. I went directly out to the car so I could put the wet clothes into a plastic bag and then reached into the trunk for the cloth bag Allovette had given me the day before. I admired it again on my way back inside. It was of a neutral tan color with fanciful beading worked into patterns of shapes and colors. I sat down on the floor with it between the small table and the fire. Buffy came out of the bathroom still toweling her hair dry and stood behind the chair as her sister came to join me at the fire.

"Normally we'd do this outside, but I think this will be fine. Now I just want you to hold the stone in your strong hand with your weak hand cupped over top." She nodded and did as I said and I opened the flap and pulled out a smaller bag. Opening this bag gave a gentle pungent aroma to the room and I used only a small pinch as I sprinkled it over the top of Dawn's closed hands. Putting that small bag away I pulled out a perfectly round stick about a centimeter thick and red in color. I reached the far end into the fire and pulled out the smoking end of the stick to wave beneath her outreached hands. Without warning the powder was still clinging to her skin burst into a short flash of green flame. Dawn looked at it fascinated and then opened her hands to see the stone gently glowing with its own internal flame.

"What was that?" Buffy's soft voice broke through the silence and I thought I heard retreating American Indian drums, but it was probably just my heart. I stood slowly, my knees popping, and offered my hand to Dawn who looked, startled, away from the stone to my face before she took it and rose to her feet.

"That was a sign of her new balance. Dawn's going to keep the stone on her for the next few days at least and it will be a focus point for her connection to the rest of the world. It will help in her learning process." I gathered the mystical devices back into the cloth bag and checked to make sure we hadn't made a mess of the table or floor. I looked up at Buffy who was gazing lovingly at her sister who still was engrossed in the stone in her hand. "Ready to go?"

"Where now?"

"There's still one more fall I'd like to see before we go. If you're up for it, that is." The sisters exchanged a glance and it was Dawn that answered for them.

"Let's do it." We stopped back by the car to deposit the bag and Buffy's wet clothes and I made the suggestion of a hat for her still damp hair. She pulled out a knit cap and a scarf to wrap around her neck and told Dawn to find her own scarf. We all held hands as we took off down another trail that bisected the one we were on before but further down the way. The walk was very pleasant and Dawn snapped a few more shots of smaller falls we passed on the way to the huge double falls you definitely heard before you saw. We stood together on the overlook and were still close enough to breath in the mist from the kicked up water. I stood with my left arm around Buffy's shoulders as she stood to my left with Dawn wrapped in both arms. My right hand rested on Dawn's shoulder as she snapped a picture of the breath taking scene in front of us.

"How did you find this place?" I gave kind of a half chuckle before I answered and I carefully kept my eyes on the falls to not give her the wrong impression.

"I lived about a hundred miles from here when I was a kid, before we moved south. I used to sit up there and watch people watch the falls." I pointed to the ledge behind us and a good hundred meters up the slope of rock looking down on the water. "Then one day I saw a very happy couple get married right here and looking back at all the places I've been there still aren't too many other places I'd like to do the same. It's like a perfect metaphor for a union. Think about the air around us and the water chasing gravity only to be stopped by more water. Instead of giving up and fitting in, it kicks itself back up to join instead with the air, an element not too unlike itself but unique in it's own way. And here it is together all around us, the finished product, and it can either go back down together and form bubbles only to do it all over again down there; or it can float it's way up and over to land on some plant and bring it life." I fell silent as I surveyed the falls and let my eyes follow the water down below my feet before turning to meet Buffy's gaze.

"Wait, you've already thought out where you'd like to get married at?"

"Well, it's just an idea I used to have and it's still something I might like to do someday, if my partner is amenable of course."

"Wow." She caught my defensive look and quickly clarified. "No, I mean really, like, wow. Not many guys I know ever think about such things until the wedding and even then it's not something they've planned out ahead of time. I think it's kinda sweet." I smiled down at her and leaned down slightly to share a gentle kiss before we were interrupted.

"Guys, I am kinda right here, you know." We broke contact with a sigh and Buffy squeezed her sister again before we started on our way back up the trail. Down is the easy part but up wasn't really a problem. All of the trails in this park were designed to be accessible to just about anyone so three agile young fighters (well...) had no problem. The car was waiting for us and it started up readily and the heater kicked in soon after. We made our way back to the highway and set out for northern Oregon. A long drive and a few stops later and we arrived at the lodge I'd arranged reservations with and were escorted to our rooms. I'd gotten us two rooms thinking that Buffy and Dawn could have girl time and I could have some privacy, but it became clear that Buffy had no problem letting her sister have the room across the hall as she put her bags down next to mine. Buffy started exploring the suite, squealing loudly as she found the private hot tub before rushing back to where I still stood in the middle of the room and jumping on me, her legs wrapping around my hips as her lips found mine happily.

"Thank you. Thank you. Thank you." She punctuated her exclamations of appreciation with quick kisses, letting the last one last for an exciting moment before I put her down.

"Hey, this is my vacation too, you know." I kissed her again where she stood with both feet on the floor. "So, would you like to do the exercises inside tonight? It's a little chilly outside." We both turned as if on cue to see the first of a long fan of snowflakes make their way past our window. Buffy ran to the other room to get Dawn and show her the snow, obviously a big deal for these two. It had been a bit of a while since I'd seen snow falling, but I grew up with it so the romance wasn't what it was for the girls. They stood close to the glass looking out and I watched their faces in the reflection from the glass. I poked at the fire in the small but capable fireplace and tossed another log on top before turning back and asking my question again. We got started in my room and then moved to the indoor workout room when we ran out of space.

As usual we acquired a variety of onlookers both guests and employees as we moved from one form to the next with only a minor change. This time I wanted Dawn to lead the exercises and she did so almost perfectly. As we moved through the motions and the forms slowly and precisely, I allowed myself to get lost in the rhythm. I finally woke up to realize I was standing balanced only on my head with my hands folded across my chest. I looked around at upside down Buffy and upside down Dawn and an assortment of other people standing around behind them. I put a hand to the floor before me and flipped onto my feet slowly.

"What's going on?"

"We finished the form, but you moved into a different one and then stayed like that for like five minutes." That would explain the stiffness in my neck. I looked once more around the room and shrugged my shoulders.

"What can I say? Sometimes I can't help myself. What's next?"

"That's it, we finished."

"Oh, alright then. Shall we?" We walked back to the room to change into swim suits for a dip in the heated pool. Dawn knocked on our door as I was still waiting for Buffy to come out of the bathroom. How much time did a girl take to get ready for a quick dip in a pool? As if answering my question for me, the bathroom door opened as I stood with my hand on the front door handle. The light blue bikini was framed at her shoulders with her pert blond hair. It looked like she'd touched up her makeup and her dazzling smile sparkled with her dimples perked up in amusement at my frozen stance. With my own answering grin and a wink I opened the door to let Dawn in.

"Aren't you ready to go yet?"

"Why don't you to go on ahead and I'll be down in just a minute." Dawn shrugged and turned to her sister. Buffy grabbed a towel from the rack next to the door and kissed my cheek on her way out the door with her sister. I sighed and leaned against the door for a second before straightening and pulling off my shorts in exchange for swim trunks and a towel of my own. My flip flops on the deck probably would have given me away, but the sounds of loud music from the other end masked my approach nicely. I sat on one of the many poolside chairs as I watched the sisters together. Dawn stood in the water next to the wall, her elbows propped on the edge behind her, as she talked with her sister and was routinely distracted by college aged guys in the water near where the music was being played. I focused in on Buffy from my seat at her back and in an instant I heard what they were talking about; me.

"So, you and Jake are pretty serious now, huh?"

"Yeah, well, what can I say? It's nice, having someone to look out for me for a change. Plus he's sweet and really romantic."

"Romantic, huh?" Dawn's tone eager for more gossip from her sister, but would have been more effective if she hadn't been eyeing the guy about to dive into the water.

"Oh yeah. Like for my birthday, he took me to a lake and used magic to freeze it for me so we could skate together. Then he cooked me dinner, and we made smores with extra chocolate, and that night he wrapped his arms around me and told me all the things he loved about me and he was still talking as I fell asleep. I felt bad about it the next morning, but he was just so darned happy I couldn't say anything." The girls giggled together, an awesome sound by any means.

"So how long have you guys like really been together? Like, I know you've been spending all that time together with training and patrolling and everything, but you've kept it kinda quiet."

"Well... remember that first night, after the Magic Box and the whole memory thing?" At her sister's wide eyed nod she continued in a conspiratorially quiet voice. "Well that night he spent the night on the couch... and I spent it with him."

"Buffy!" To say that Dawn was surprised would be an understatement, but I also detected some excitement too.

"Not like we slept together or anything, we just... slept together. Like with the sleeping."

"Oh. Well, I see how you can like him. He's a really cool guy and he always listens, you know? Still, I can picture what mom would have said, almost like what she said when she found out about Angel being a vampire."

"That he's way too old for me and we could never have a real future together? Believe me; the thought has crossed my mind. Still, even though the two are more alike than I like to think about sometimes, he's not Angel. He's different, but in a good way. Angel will always have a place in my heart, but we could never really work out and I know that. Jake and I may not live happily ever after, but it could happen. Provided we make it through whatever danger brought him here." I pulled back from Buffy's mind and felt her recognition before she turned around to glare at me playfully. She pushed herself through and then out of the water to jump on me, sopping wet, as I stood up from my chair and forced me back down.

"How long have you been listening in?" She now sat on my lap looking down on me with her hair dripping on my chest.

"Not long, but long enough." I wrapped her in my arms so she wouldn't escape and leaned back in the chair, taking her with me as I tickled her. She squirmed against me and giggled as she fought back, finally winning her way out of my grasp only to pick me up and start dragging me toward the pool. I thought I had her and went for my final push only to be caught off balance and thrown sideways into the water with a smack and a splash. My head cleared the water to the sound of applause from the far end and I waved an acknowledgment as Buffy dove gracefully in after me.

"You cheated." She broke the water beside me and I swooped my arms around her and dragged / floated her in the direction of her sister. She responded with a very convincing innocent face that made my grin widen.

"How could I cheat? You started it."

"Super strength ringing any bells?"

"Well... it's not my fault you tickled a super hero." We pulled up next to Dawn and I released Buffy to float with one arm holding the wall.

"You tickled my sister? You monster." I wondered how long ago Dawn had mastered that impudent grin.

"So what's happening tomorrow?"

"Well, I'll try not to get your sister killed again."

"Hey! I resemble that remark."

"Sorry, babe. Tomorrow we ski."

"Ski?"

"What's the matter Dawn, never been?" She shook her head at me and I smiled sympathetically. "Don't worry, neither have I. But that'll change tomorrow."

"Sounds like fun." Buffy put her arm on my back and I turned toward her as she dunked me under the water. I stayed under, looking up at her for a second before pulling her down with me. My lips found hers and she smiled against me for a second before my fingers found her sides again and air spurted from her lips as she pulled away. I found the surface first and took a breath in before diving at Dawn. She squealed and tried to get away, but I pulled her under and instantly released her. Buffy dove onto my back on my way back up and we spun around together, carried by her momentum a good ten feet underwater. We broke together into the air and took in big breaths but didn't let go. My left hand found the wall but my right tightened my grip on her, pulling her lithe body against me as our lips met in a long and sweet kiss.

We broke contact and I happened to glance up to see a woman probably in her forties looking down at us shaking her head as she walked past us to her girlfriends sitting together at a table with fruity drinks. My eyes followed her, feeling more than a little affronted, as she sat down and immediately started gossiping and waving her hand in our direction. Buffy looked from her sister as Dawn joined us, to follow my gaze and then back to my face in mild concern.

"What's up?" I looked down at my beautiful, strong willed, and amazing but still almost inappropriately young girlfriend and forced a smile onto my face.

"Nothing, babe. Don't worry about it." I could tell she didn't buy it for a second and was about to ask me again, but I did not want to make a big deal about this now.

'_We'll talk later, in the room_.' She hesitated but decided to save it for later. Of course, I spent the rest of our time at the pool trying to distract her from the subject. Unsuccessfully I might add. Right after Dawn stifled her first yawn Buffy announced that we had an early morning if we wanted to hit the slopes before the crowds and as soon as the door closed between us and the hallway she turned with her hands on her hips.

"Well?" I sighed, knowing what she was asking but decided to play dumb for as long as I could; I did not want to have this discussion.

"Well what? Join me in the hot tub?" I kept walking toward the already bubbling water and was easing into the heat as Buffy was forced to walk around the corner to keep me in sight.

"You're not getting out of it that easily." I smiled and held up my trunks.

"Already did." She smiled brightly and turned her head to the side rolling her eyes as she laughed. Her expression sobered quickly though, replaced by her resolve face, and I put the swim suit down on the deck next to me.

"What was it? What were you thinking about in the pool after that woman walked by? Did you know her?"

"No, I don't know who she was. Look do we have to do this? It's not really something I want to think about on vacation."

"Well you already thought about it and now my curiosity is too piqued to let me forget about it. Spill." I took a breath and let it out again as I thought about how I could explain what had been troubling me. I waved for her to get in with me, which she did grudgingly and then sat there staring at my face waiting.

"I don't know. After we kissed I just happened to look up at her face. I don't know if I looked because of chance or if she was really thinking about us, but it happened." She was silent, patiently waiting for me to tell her the whole story before deciding what she thought about it and I appreciated that as I prepared to open the entire can of worms. "I think she has to be a mother, probably of a girl as young as you can look sometimes when you're happy. Now, I couldn't hear what she was thinking and I didn't need to feel what she felt; her disapproval and disappointment was pretty clear on her face. Anyone looking at her could tell exactly what she felt about us being together. Of course, that didn't stop her from explaining to her friends, in detail, for several minutes, exactly what she felt and why. I don't know, I guess it just made me feel... self conscious. Like the whole world thought it was wrong for us to be together." I waited for her response, which started with her head down. I found that I couldn't meet her eyes myself, when she did look up at me.

"How long have you felt this way... about us?"

"I don't know. It's not usually something I think about, if that's what you're asking."

"Then why are you thinking about it now? Look, I know that not everyone is going to approve of you and me being together. I guess that's why I've kinda held off from telling my friends about us. But it doesn't matter what the rest of the world thinks. Do you love me?" The last line was delivered with her head cocked slightly to the side.

"Of course I do." I looked into her eyes and she smiled again.

"Good. Then don't worry about anyone else but me." She'd moved closer to me and leaned in close to my face, her eyes closing as our lips met. I jumped as her fingers found my leg and worked their way up. I pulled her down to me, my arms wrapping around her as her snaked up my chest and around my neck. We made love as the water swirled comfortingly against us, moving onto the cool tile when the heat got too much for us. We did finally get some sleep that night, dried and wrapped in each other's arms, with her head against my shoulder; where it belonged.


	23. Welcome confusion

The car pulled into the drive and Dawn let out a groan from the back seat.

"What's the matter, Dawnie? Sorry the escape from reality is over?"

"That or she's realized we're back in enough time for her to make school tomorrow."

"No, it's not that; although the school thing is kind of a let down."

"Then what is it?"

"I forgot to get gifts for my friends! All that playing around we did and those cool places we went and I didn't get one little trinket for anybody." I grinned as I opened my door and made my way to open the trunk.

"I'm sure they'll understand. We were kind of busy, after all." Buffy came around the back of the car to grab a few bags from me as Dawn was still climbing out. I left my stuff where it was and Dawn grabbed her own bags as we made our way up the front walk to the door. The door opened on its own as Xander and Willow both came out to help.

"Hey Dawnster, let me get one of those for you. Gotta say, totally missed you guys." Xander seemed very happy to see us; a sign of Willow's counseling I was sure. Gradually the gaggle of helpful and happy people made their way into the living room with all the bags. Buffy immediately made for the kitchen and the snack food she found there. I followed her in for a glass of water as Dawn made her way to the bathroom and back out again at the same time the rest of us gathered with Willow and Xander who were conspiring quietly in the living room.

"Maybe you should sit down for this, Buffy." She looked a little worried at Willow's tone, but sat between me and Dawn on the couch, her eyes on Willow's solemn face but it was Xander who spoke first.

"Look, while you were gone we talked a lot about what you said to us about Buffy." I realized he was looking at me and my gaze swung from Buffy to the face that matched his serious tone. "Willow pointed out to me a lot of ways I haven't been doing quite all I could to help you out, especially right after you got back. I wanted to tell you as soon as you got back that I'm sorry."

"We also put our heads together over some of the finance stuff and we came up with a kind of tentative plan to help fully get you back on your feet." Buffy's hand had clutched mine as Xander apologized and her grip only got tighter as Willow broke in. I looked back at her face to see a single tear make its way slowly down her left cheek. I brought my left hand up to gently wipe it away with the back of my finger and she turned her face to me, her eyes shining. I smiled knowingly back at her and she saw the 'I told you so' without me having to say a word. She smiled through her tears and pulled my hand up to her lips before turning back to her friends.

"Thank you guys. I know you're there for me when I need you." She stood up and leaned over the coffee table to embrace both of her supporters. They finally extracted themselves and tears were wiped all around as Buffy stood back up.

"Okay, well I think dinner is a good first order of business and then we can sit down together and talk about my other new business venture." Dawn went upstairs to get cleaned up before she ate and I volunteered to make a run out for some food, but got shot down by Willow who had gone shopping and was dead set on making a decent meal on our first day back. I helped out around the edges and we chatted a little about our trip. I almost thought she was going to burn the chicken, she was laughing so hard at some of the tumbles I'd taken on the slopes. We did finally get it together and onto the table to be joined by Buffy and Xander still talking in the living room. The food was good but what was even better was the look on Willow's face as Buffy explained about being paid to hunt demons and kill vampires.

"Wow, that kinda makes my plan look a little... wimpy." Buffy patted her hand and spoke reassuringly.

"I'm sure it's not wimpy, Will. Besides, this will still be a part time gig and I'll be keeping my job at the Double-Meat. I've gotta show a steady income for social services. Oh my God!" At her sudden change in tone I sat up, all of my attention on her face. "What day is today?" A glance at my watch later and she wasn't any calmer. "I can't believe I could forget this."

"Forget what?"

"My interview redo with social services is tomorrow. I don't know what I'm going to do." I almost chuckled. Here was a warrior who had saved the world countless times and fought evil on a nightly basis but was still rattled by a social services worker. Can't say as I can blame her, though. Dawn's eyebrows were up, but she seemed otherwise unaffected.

"So what's the game plan?"

"I'm not sure. I've gotta clean the house tonight and make sure you get off to school on time tomorrow." She looked at Dawn with a mock glare and she groaned again in response, but nodded her head. "I don't know how I'm going to explain about her taking days off of school."

"Don't worry, I'll be here too. I got your back." She looked at my face and visibly relaxed, her right hand finding mine beneath the table.

"Thanks." I glanced quickly at the other faces around the table and they were all watching us. Buffy seemed oblivious to them as my eyes found hers again and she leaned forward for a quick kiss as though it was the most natural thing in the world. I felt butterflies at the realization she was alright with her friends knowing we were together. My chest swelled and suddenly I could take on the world again. I returned her contented smile with feeling and turned to see Xander averting his eyes. Shortly the table got cleared and I started the dishes while Willow took Buffy back to the living room with Xander to break down the rest of their money plan. Dawn stuck around helping me dry and she gave me a very nice piece of information.

"You do know that you're my sister's boyfriend, right?" I glanced up at her entire lack of preamble, but after a second's surprise I nodded my head. "Good, because she called you that when she was talking with Xander just now and I just wanted to make sure you were clear." I smiled at her innocence, sure that she knew more than she was letting on, but I'd play along for now.

"Yep, we've been together now off and on for a while. Our last big kind of fight was right before she lost it this last time, but we're doing okay now."

"That's good. I kind of like having you around to talk to. I know you're not as old as my dad, but its nice having someone like that around I can ask stuff I can't ask my sister." My eyebrows shot so far up they were in danger of flying off my face at the mere thought of what she'd just mentioned. She saw my shock and giggled a little as she clarified herself, but it didn't help. "I mean just about like guys and stuff. Stuff Buffy doesn't really know too much about. I mean she's never had much luck with guys." I made a mental note to talk with Buffy about Dawn's conversation about guys, but there was time for that later.

"Alright, kiddo, what say we head on in to join the rest of the gang?" The dishes were washed and drying, the counter wiped down, and the trash all in one place. We walked in with my arm around her neck giving her a noogie. Buffy glanced up from the papers spread before her with a smile on her face at our entrance. I recognized some of her bills and some notes in Willow's handwriting full of numbers. I moved past Buffy to sit on her left as they kept talking. Dawn announced she was going upstairs to finish her homework for tomorrow. She turned away from my glare over her not finishing before we got back like she'd promised, but I couldn't help but smile as she hurried up the stairs like she was a little kid again.

I turned my attention back to the pile of paperwork in front of us and listened to Willow as she broke down the rest of her plan. We went over a lot of stuff before my head started to hurt and I had to excuse myself to get a glass of water and rest my eyes. I was leaning forward against the counter, holding myself up with my left hand as my right massaged my eyes and then the bridge of my nose. I felt someone come up behind me so I didn't jump when her cool smooth fingers traced a pattern on the back of my neck, instantly relieving my pain. My eyes opened and I threw my mind at the figure behind me only to find Willow standing there with a very pleased expression on her face as I whiled around to face her.

"I thought you were Buffy for a second."

"I know. Thought I'd surprise you." I gave her a second to compose her thoughts before I let her tell me what she'd come here to say. "Look, I had that talk with Xander, like I promised. He took a few days, but he came around with a full amount of helpfulness. It was his idea to try for a loan in his name because he's the only one of us with a steady job. I kinda get the impression you think he doesn't like you because you can do things he can't, but that's not it at all. He's always had this kind of thing with Buffy's boyfriends, like he always thinks they're not good enough for her. It's kind of something we all got used to back in high school but don't take it personally."

"I don't dislike Xander and what I said to both of you had nothing to do with my feelings for either of you. It had to do with her."

"Don't you think I know that? There is something you don't know that I think you should, seeing as you've got some experience in the area."

"What area would that be?" She turned to her right and took a few steps away from me before turning back in my direction but without looking at me as she started talking.

"Xander's been drinking, like every night. Like he's okay sometimes, during the day, but he keeps thinking about Anya and everyday she's gone it's only gotten worse. I was hoping maybe you would have a talk with him or something. Tell him that he can't drink away what's he's done. What do you think?"

"I'll try. But not tonight, though; Buffy and I need to go patrolling. We haven't killed anything in like a week." She quirked a smile, my mission was accomplished. I gave her a big hug, sharing in the comfort of someone else on our side and knowing how we felt.

"Well, first we have to slay the bills." I followed her out with my glass of water and Buffy's juice I knew she'd be asking me for as soon as I got back. Her eyes sparkled as I handed it to her and sat down beside her but it wasn't long before she had to take a break of her own, slouching her head against my shoulder her nose burying itself against my delt. I chuckled as I wrapped my arm around her and pulled her to me.

"I need to go kill something." She whined her voice muffled against my chest. I looked up at the eyes of her friends and nodded. Xander actually volunteered that we finish up the next day. Willow was soon to follow and Buffy waved goodbye to her friends as she pushed me further onto my back and climbed on top of me.

"I thought you wanted to go hunting." My tone was playful as my arms found their way around her to keep her from escaping.

"I do. I just need to relax and let the headache go away before I try and stand up again."

"Hmm. Head swimmage." She giggled as I imitated her and then I rolled us back to a sitting position to turn her around and work on her back. My hands worked her tight neck muscles and down her shoulder blades before finding their way back up again. She moaned under my touch and I saw Dawn's head peek down the bottom edge of the top stair. I grinned and waved as she jerked her head back up quickly. Buffy pulled away from me and stood to stretch her arms and pop her joints. Dawn came the rest of the way down the stairs, right side up this time, and bounced off the last step.

"Whatcha doin?"

"Actually we're about to go patrol. Did you get your homework done?"

"Yes."

"All of it?" Her sister was unrelenting.

"I said yes. I'm just gonna watch some TV while you're gone and I'll be asleep by the time you get back."

"Okay then, I love you." They hugged and I held out Buffy's coat to her. She reached into its pocket for her hat and put it on as we headed down to the sidewalk.

"How do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Well, I just got done driving for quite a few hours, I haven't had a shower or a change of clothes all day and I feel a lot liked smacked ass. But you, you put on a hat and a smile and you're beautiful. I never could do that." She had on what I imagined my foolish grin looked like. I think I liked it.

"Stop it, you're gonna make me blush and then I wouldn't be able to intimidate the vampires before I killed them." I had to chuckle at that one and she grabbed my hand as we made our way toward the first cemetery.

"So." I decided to lead off slowly. "You're alright now with your friends knowing about you and me? When did that happen?"

"I don't know, it just kinda happened. Like I was talking with Xander and it just kind of slipped out. You should have seen his face. So I figured it was already out there and just went with it. You're okay with that, right?" What do you think I'm stupid? Of course I agreed with her, how could I not?

"Babe, I'm okay with you; I don't care what anyone else thinks." She smiled at my words and we walked in silence for a few minutes before I thought of the other subject I wanted to bring up. "So, Dawn thinks it's cool to have me around because she can ask me about stuff she can't ask you." I felt only minor qualms about betraying Dawn, but it was worth it to see Buffy's face.

"What! She said that? What kind of stuff?"

"That's what I asked her, but she said it was just guy stuff. Stuff, she said, you weren't too good at." I almost kept my straight face as I delivered that last comment but lost it as her face contorted in about six different directions. I had to stop walking, I was laughing so hard. She stared down at me as I doubled over, indignant Buffy in full effect. God she was cute when she did that. If only she couldn't kick my ass, it might be even cuter.

"What's so funny? You think she's right?" Uh oh; I sobered quickly and straightened to face her before she got really upset.

"No, babe. It's the fact that I think she's wrong that I find funny. C'mon, you don't really think I'd be here if you didn't know anything about guys, do you? Besides, I love you; I don't care if you're good at guys, you're good at me." Okay, it was a little corny but I couldn't resist. My sincerity won her over and she stepped into my opened arms for a smooth kiss. We made our way gradually through two cemeteries without action and decided to split up to cover two more before meeting for the walk through the fifth and then home. I'd had a few vamps in the one I picked and was running a little late for our rendezvous. I rounded the corner and stopped to see Buffy in front of the gate fighting one vampire while another was suspended from his collar by... Spike? I watched Buffy somehow get pinned beneath the vamp she was fighting and I would have stepped in, but it looked like she was... talking? With Spike. She flipped him off of her and stood to deliver a double kick to its chest as Spike continued talking. I could hear some of their conversation from where I was, as long as I stayed very quiet. She pinned the vampire down and turned up at Spike's comment.

"I am not telling my friends about us." What? Was there still an 'us' for them? No, she couldn't do that after telling her friends about our 'us' tonight. I focused back in on their conversation as the vampire dusted and their voices rose.

"I tried to kill my friends, my sister last week, and guess how much they hate me. Zero. Zero much. So I'm thinking, sleeping with you, they'll deal." I felt better, a lot better. Buffy turned and walked away as Spike dropped the other vamp. Spike's voice sounded a little desperate as he called after her and his voice distracted the other vamp who turned around to look at him.

"In that case, why won't you sleep with me again?" Buffy turned around with a disgusted look on her face and glared at Spike before she staked the unsuspecting vamp and turned to walk away again, her response delivered to the air in front of her.

"Because I don't love you." My own heart swelled as Spike's must have fallen. I made my way down the wall to the edge of the gate where I looked up at Spike as he spoke without seeing me.

"Like hell."

"You're just a glutton for punishment, aren't you? When are you gonna learn?" He leaped down in a rather impressive display of flapping leather and outstretched arms to land face to face with me.

"None of this would have happened if you hadn't come along. This is all your fault, boy. When I get this chip out of my head..." I almost laughed in his face. Instead I punched him in his face and spoke to him as he lay on the ground glaring up at me.

"Whatever makes you feel better, Spike; as long as it's not Buffy." I turned my back on him and followed her footsteps around the corner and caught up with her half a block down.

"Hey, sorry about leaving, I ran into Spike and I had to bail."

"It's cool. Any other action tonight?"

"Not enough." I glanced up at her mischievous tone and we hurried the rest of the way home. Dawn was in bed asleep, as promised. Willow was still awake and she waved at me as I leaned against her door frame waiting for Buffy to get out of the shower.

"What's up?"

"Not much. I'm a little nervous about trying to see Tara tomorrow. I always worry about what I'm going to say to her."

"I can relate. Sometimes I just look at Buffy and my tongue goes dry and ties itself in knots. There's nothing I can do." I looked back at Willow as she got caught up in the romance of my thoughts.

"I know, remember. It's kind of weird when you broadcast sometimes at night, it's like I'm there instead of you." Her comment took me off guard and I couldn't help the look on my surprise on my face as she chuckled suggestively. "Kidding."

"Oh thank God. For a second I though you were serious."

"It's more like I'm just in the room watching, now that our link has faded."

"Please tell me you're still joking." She shook her head with a sly smile on her face and I could feel my cheeks go crimson.

"You really do need to work on your control at night, but it's not that bad. Normally I just wake up at night with the smell of sweet vanilla and a touch of fruit all around me. It's actually kind of nice, seeing as I could never actually be there like that for real." I stood there for a moment and pondered that thought. I couldn't help it and I apologized immediately but she shrugged me off. "Don't worry about it, nothing I haven't thought about a dozen times." I pushed that thought to the back of my mind for later and made some reassuring comments about her for the next day.

"- and good luck with Tara." I closed her door behind me and made sure my mental walls were fully in place before I made my way back down the hallway to the bathroom as Buffy came out. We kissed in passing and I took a quick turn to wash off the road grime and vampire dust. I felt immeasurably better as I slipped beneath her cool clean sheets and wrapped my arms around her. One last time, I checked my walls and felt Willow's resignation that tonight I was in control.

The next morning came entirely too soon. Before I knew it Buffy was up and at 'em while I still was wiping the sleep out of my eyes. Dawn was quickly roused and prepared for her school day and left on time with Xander, fed, clean, and her homework checked. I cleaned up the kitchen while Buffy made a walk through of the entire house looking for anything that needed touching up and Willow cleaned her room and quickly made herself scarce after some comforting words from Buffy and a hug for good luck. We finally met back in the living room looking at each other nervously.

"Ready to do this?"

"I don't know, but I'm here for you. You said they had to redo this interview because that last lady went kind of... loony?"

"Yeah. I don't know what could have gotten into her. She seemed perfectly fine when she told me she was recommending probation."

"If she was so dead set on more supervision then why did they take so long to schedule this?"

"It's kind of a small office, maybe they just got overworked and didn't have time to put back together their file on Dawn." I sensed something was going on beneath the surface here, but I respected if she didn't want to tell me so didn't pry into it. She paced around the living room one more time nervously looking for something to clean and I walked around the other side of the coffee table to meet her and catch her in my arms.

"Hey, it's gonna be just fine. They're not here to see if you can dust, they want to make sure Dawn is being taken care of. Don't worry about it; the supportive boyfriend is here to take the brunt of the attack." She smiled, but it was a nervous smile, and I suppressed my own urge to flee from the impending danger. Before the anticipation could get any worse the doorbell rang and I let her go to answer the door.

"Good morning, my name is Cathy and I'm here for the interview. You must be Buffy Summers." The woman was pleasant, smiling, and couldn't have been much older than Buffy was. She shook both of our hands politely and greeted me by name as Buffy introduced me.

"Would you like some ice tea? Made fresh this morning." I offered as she seated herself on the sofa.

"Some ice tea would be wonderful, thank you. Not too much sugar, please." I nodded at Buffy as I left the room to fetch three glasses of the sweet tea. I returned to find Cathy reviewing some notes but both women smiled as I entered so I took that as a good sign. Buffy seemed much relieved as I handed her the glass and she took a sip. I stood behind her seat in the recliner looking down on both of them.

"I understand that you're the steady boyfriend of Miss Summers and that you sometimes stay the night. Is that correct?"

"Yes, ma'am, it is."

"Ma'am, you make me sound old. Call me Cathy, please. And what is it you do, Jake."

"I own and operate my own private investigator service through an online based, nation wide, directorate." I handed her a business card from my wallet and smiled at Buffy's wide eyed glance. I don't think I'd ever made it sound so official before, but it did have a nice ring to it.

"Impressive indeed. And you are how old, Sir?"

"Sir is my father, I'm only 32."

"I see. And how would you describe your relationship with Dawn?" I thought for a moment about Dawn's words for me the other night and smiled easily as I answered.

"I look at her as kind of a younger sister. She reminds me a lot of my niece I don't get to see anymore. I help her with school projects and sometimes pick her up after school to talk about her day before Buffy gets home from work."

"That sounds nice. Speaking of, Miss Summers, I understand you've been working at a fast food restaurant the Double-Meat Palace? How long have you been working there?"

"A few months now. It pays the bills."

"That's good to hear. Now who else actually lives here in this house?"

"My friend Willow; she's in class right now, but she helps out around here too. She watches Dawn sometimes too, when I'm at work."

"That's nice of her. It seems like you've got a very nice place here, Miss Summers." I glanced at Buffy who seemed to be more receptive of this Cathy than she'd been with that last lady they'd sent out.

"Would you like a quick tour?" Seemed like Buffy was now eager to show off what she'd been so nervous about before.

"I'd love to. Please, lead the way." Leaving the tea on the coasters, we followed Buffy through most of the rooms in the house and the only room Cathy had to insist on seeing was Dawn's. Impressed by the normal teenagerness of the room and its cleanliness, she led the way out and back downstairs where we sat again in near comfort. I kept my post standing behind Buffy and tried to send out reassuring and calming vibes to everyone.

"Miss Summers I must apologize for the last interviewer you dealt with. She just hasn't been the same since her incident and the whole office has been very busy trying to spread the workload around. That being said, I am very impressed with your household and your support of your sister, Dawn. And while it is somewhat irregular for the sometimes spend the night boyfriend to do so just a few doors down from the charge, I also see Jake here to be a good male influence. I hope it works out between the two of you. I think my job here is done, unless there are any questions."

"No, no questions. Thank you for coming by, you really are much nicer than that last lady was." They stood and we waked with her to the door where she turned and shook hands with us again.

"It was my pleasure. And thank you for the tea." I closed the door behind her and Buffy let out a huge sigh of relief. I put my arm around her shoulders and we walked back into the living room.

"That went a lot better than last time." We sat down on the couch and her fingers caught and played with my hand. "Thank you for being here, it went so much smoother. And when did you make tea?"

"This morning after I got up, while you were running around trying to make sure everything was perfect."

"And it's a good thing I did; you saw how perfectly the whole thing went. Why do you think that was?"

"It might have something to do with your love for your sister and how well you care for her. Or it could be because I was flirting with her the whole time." Her backhand across my chest stung the breath from me for a second but I recovered in enough time to make another comment. "Okay, so I wasn't flirting with her. I didn't have to after paying her off yesterday." This time she tackled me and we fell off the couch onto the ground. I let her pin me without a fight and she glared down at me from where she sat on my chest. I chuckled softly before she kissed me and let me up.

"I've gotta get ready for work." I pulled her back to me and tucked her head beneath my chin. She tilted her face up to run her nose through my beard, tickling herself and scrunching it up as she did.

"You don't think I'm going to let you go that easily, do you?" We rocked slowly back and forth and I just held her as the tension slowly eased its way out of the room. She finally pulled back and smiled at me.

"We really did it, didn't we? Thank you for stepping in, it was very cool with the whole 'own and operate my own business' thing. And since when do you have business cards? Do I get business cards? Can they say 'Slayer' on them? 'Cause that could be kinda cool." I chuckled at her sudden burst of energy.

"They can say whatever you want." I let her go and she planted a kiss on my chin before making bouncing away from me on her way up the stairs. I stood there for a second, smiling after her, before heading into the kitchen. I grabbed a soda from the fridge and took note of the replenished food supplies both there and in the cupboards around the kitchen. I guess my talk with Willow and Xander really did pay off. I smiled contentedly as Buffy kissed me on her way out the door, flashing a smile at my promise to pick her up from work later. I made sure the house was locked up and made my way back to the apartment, bringing up my bags and sighing as I started sorting loads for the wash. I shook my head at our return to normalcy from our awesome vacation and stopped that line of thought with another. _'As normal as we can get, anyway.'_


	24. Empty energy

I was fully planning to pick up Buffy from work for some dinner with the girls but she called me before I could leave. She told me she was going out with Dawn for some girl time. I smiled as she explained her plans to go downtown and window shop, ignoring the possibility of Dawn not being able to go in any of the stores there. I told her it was cool and I would just catch her later. I decided to head out for a drink or two at the closest demon bar, wanting to see if there was any trouble on the way. Besides, I'd been dry all week and it was time to fix that. I blinked as I stepped in out of the sunlight and you can imagine my surprise as I noticed a face looking out of the shadows at me. A face I knew...

"Xander?" I sat down across from him and waved at the waitress. She returned my wave with two fingers held up and I turned my attention back to Buffy's friend.

"Yeah, I'm really not in the mood to talk right now." I considered pushing the issue for only a second before discarding it. I knew that sometimes talking doesn't help, it just rubs salt into the wound.

"That's okay. I like the quiet." He looked at me as though he'd seen a ghost for a second before finishing off his drink and ordering a replacement. We sat together in silence and in darkness as the rounds came one after the other. We spoke of nothing for the entire night until right before he left. We finished the dredges of the beer pitcher in front of us and I waved off a refill. He stood, dropping some money on the table and stopped on his way past me to put his hand on my shoulder.

"Thanks." I nodded as he left, speaking over my shoulder as he passed the table behind us.

"Good luck." I didn't see or hear any response from him. In fact, I'm not really sure why I wished him luck instead of safe journey or even good night, but the words came out and the waitress, seeing me alone and bringing me another round, distracted me from those thoughts that spoke of ripples. I ignored her questions and turned her aside with one word answers. I was glad I did about a minute later when I heard her complain to her friend about scarred up rejects who should be thankful for anything offered. I shook my head and chuckled to myself over that thought and the picture in my head of what I could go home to. Speaking of going home, I stood up myself and dropped more money on the table to join Xander's. Waving at the waitress, who gave me a cold smile in return, I made my way out of the bar and into the cool welcoming night. Of course, the fist across my face wasn't as welcoming, but the ensuing fight definitely was.

I hadn't realized how much I'd missed a good fight until that night. Sure the vampires the night before had been fun but they were nothing like this. No fewer than seven demons decided I'd make either an easy target or was worth some revenge. They attacked me with long knives, fists, and feet but I was ready. The first hit caught me off guard and the alcohol had slowed my reflexes enough for me to catch it full in the face and get knocked down, but then it was game on. My fists and feet had minds of their own as they lashed out at will against the many targets of opportunity. I didn't even bother to think about keeping any of them alive, I was reacting on instinct alone and in the end I paid for it.

I stood in the middle of the demons lying on the ground around me and slowly the feelings returned. The pain hit me first, thudding through my veins like fire. I blinked my eyes slowly several times and almost went back inside for another drink, but started on the long and slow journey back to my apartment. I collapsed onto the bed, facedown, without even taking off my boots. My head hurt and the bruises down my back and sides definitely reminded me that I was still alive. If only I could be not-alive enough to sleep; turns out that I was.

I woke up the next morning to the pounding in my head. It wasn't until I put my hand on my face to wipe away the groggy that I realized the pounding had stopped and re-started; the door. I was on my feet and moving before I ran a hand through my hair and was petting down my beard as I opened the door.

"Anya? Oh my God, how are you?" She stood almost nervously outside my door looking inward. I waved a hand, indicating for her to come in and find a seat. "How did you find this place?"

"Willow. I saw her and Tara today at the coffee shop and I asked her if she'd seen you." So Willow had coffee with Tara. Go Willow! I sent my silent cheer and felt her smile in response before pulling my attention back to Anya's face.

"Can I get you anything? Some water maybe?"

"No, I'm fine. I just want to talk. You don't like Xander very much, do you?" Her tone was almost accusing, it was so forward, and I rocked back on my heels as I considered the implications of her question.

"I don't dislike him; he just used to piss me off with his attitude about some stuff. Why?"

"And what kind of stuff do you wish you could have done to him to bring him around?"

"What? Anya, are you feeling okay?"

"I'm fine, I just want to clarify what you think about Xander, is all. Is that a problem?" Alright, now I had just woken up and was a little distracted by the pain in my back but as my mind control exerted itself and the pain faded to the background I was finally able to focus all my attentions on the emotional and anxious woman in front of me. She was lying.

"Anya, you can't fool me. Now I don't know you that well but this is about more than just Xander, isn't it." She froze as she was about to ask me something else about Xander and seemed to reconsider.

"You know me well enough to know how I felt about being left at the altar, don't you? Could you imagine what I would have wished on him?" I don't know where it came from, I was still a little out of it, but something clicked when she said the word 'wish'.

"You're a demon again." Her eyes got wide and she tried to deny it. I held up a hand at her protests and shook my head. "Why did you do it, Anyanka?" At the sound of her old name she sobered quickly; too sober. She stood, her face morphing into some kind of veiny visage and towered over me.

"You have no idea who you so carelessly name. You don't know the power you dare taunt by speaking that name. I ought to smite you now where you sit." I wisely, I think, kept the amusement from my face as I stood slowly.

"I do know a thing or two about you, Anyanka. I do dare to speak that name as one who has dealt with your kind before. I've read about you, you know. And I must tell you I am impressed with your record. There is one thing I'm a little curious about, Anyanka. Why do you think you can hurt me?" She smiled, and it sent chills down my spine with how cold it was. She reached her hands for me and I acted. I stepped forward, body checking her with my elbow as my right hand grabbed the pendant around her neck. I stood holding it over her as she looked up in shock.

"Don't!"

"I don't plan to. I know how important this is to you and I understand the need for justice demons in the world, even if you're methods aren't quite what I might choose to make mankind better. I guess I'm just more of a 'kill the bad ones' kind of guy instead of trying to make the wisher learn some kind of deeper lesson." I backed up and moved around the back of the couch to let her stand up, her face returning to her normal beauty.

"Then why won't you help me? I'm out on a limb over here, I'm desperate. I'm even asking a man for what vengeance I can enact. Why won't any of you help me?" I walked back over to her and gestured for her to sit back down on the couch.

"I can't help you. I am not in any way a wronged party; I wasn't even at your wedding. All I can do is sympathize and help you work through your pain. Those are two things I've got a lot of experience in. Other than that, all I can suggest is a night of drinking. It won't make your pain go away, but it'll make you feel better about it being there." I took a place at her side and handed back her pendant.

"Thank you, for not destroying this and for the offer, but I don't think I can take you up on that. I'm gonna go now and you can't speak a word of this to anyone else, or I will be back to really give you what you deserve." I walked her to the door and smiled after she left. My eyes finally caught the clock on the VCR and I hurried into the bedroom to verify. It was late afternoon and I had wanted to spend time with Buffy today. I grabbed some clothes and jumped in the shower, reminding myself once again to get the mirror fixed as I gazed at the broken reflection of my beard. I really should cut it off, but no time for that now. Quickly I gathered up the rest of the walk around junk that tells most people that they're alive. I glanced at my dead cell phone before plugging it in and turning it on to find two messages; one from Buffy and one from Wesley. I called Wesley immediately and he answered on the third ring.

"Ahh, Jake; I was hoping you'd get back to me quickly. I know it's been a few weeks since we've spoken last but I've uncovered another piece of this puzzle I think you should be aware of." I waited patiently through his long winded, detailed explanation; hanging on every word as he finally broke it down for me. At the end of it all, the only thing I'd gotten out of it was that the danger was both human and coming soon. I quickly hung up the phone with him and checked for my loaded pistol before rushing out of the apartment. I called Buffy from the car after I plugged it into my mobile charger and she took her time answering.

"Hey, we found a camera in my front yard and it looks like someone's been watching me. We thought it was Spike because of the whole, you know, obsessed thing but it's not really his style and he didn't know what it was. Willow's getting ready to try and hack into its network or something, but I'd kinda like to have your opinion, if you don't mind coming over."

"Already on my way, babe. I'll be there in a few. Love you." There was an almost awkward silence on her end before she told me she'd see me soon and hung up. So I was her boyfriend, and her friends knew about us, but she didn't quite love me yet either. It almost grouped me in the same category as Spike. I shrugged that idea off quickly, reminding myself to find him and hit him for it later. It really was only a few minutes before I arrived and walked in to see Willow at her computer, Buffy seated at the other end of the table from her, and Xander standing in front of the hallway to the kitchen. My arrival caused Buffy to look up with a reassured smile on her face as I crossed the distance between us to kiss her hello. It was still a little new and was novel enough to let me enjoy it all the more, kissing her in front of her friends. I broke apart and crossed to Willow and the collection of wires in front of her.

"What do we have?"

"Seems like your basic model wireless camera with audio. I'm trying to get into the fiber optic network so I can get their signal routed to us through the feedback relay." I nodded understanding and wished her luck. I might understand some of the terms, but in the army I always had specialists to do this kind of thing.

"Okay, if it's not Spike, and I'm not saying I believe him, but if it's not Spike I think we already know who's behind this." Xander spoke with his hands and made perfect sense, considering how drunk he was last night.

"It makes sense." Willows words echoed my thoughts.

"I want to find these guys." Buffy's conviction was perfectly indicated by her clutched hands, definitely some built up tension there. I resisted the urge to pace and instead moved to the back of her chair and put my hands on her shoulders.

"Hey, hey; I think I've got something." Willow kept typing, but her fingers picked out a much faster tempo than they had before. Her eyes concentrated on the screen, moving rapidly back and forth as she read and typed her hacking code. I wished I could help her, but for now my options were limited.

"Talk to me, Will."

"Technology's pretty sophisticated. Lots of booby traps and firewall stuff." I knew what those were.

"But can you get us a location?" Buffy pushed for as much as she could get, and I couldn't blame her.

"Well hey, I'm still me. Just one..." She shook her head just a little and she had a little bit of a worried look on her face. "Whoa."

"What?"

"There are other cameras." Yeah, that definitely warranted a 'whoa' in my book. Willow kept tapping, but slowed her speed and started listing places she was getting feeds from.

"Oh my God, the Double-Meat Palace, the Bronze, my classes on campus, Xander's site"

"What?" Buffy's shocked whispered question spoke worlds of feeling from around the table.

"They've been spying on all these places?"

"I can tell there are more feeds, I'm just having a harder time pinpointing them. Here, let me..." She suited actions for words and dropped her mouth open as she typed around her keyboard. "Here, I think there are a couple more transmitters on the network I just, I've almost got a picture on them." She typed quietly for a few more seconds and didn't raise her eyes when she spoke. "I think I've got the Magic Box." And then she stood up, her hands leaving the keyboard and her eyes wide as she spoke a single word. "Whoa." Xander stood from his seat at Buffy's left and moved toward the screen with Willow trying to stop him. Buffy stood next and I followed. Her eyes went from the screen to Xander's face and the shock registering there. I finally glanced down myself and could fully understand the feeling. Spike and Anya together on the table in the Magic Box working their way toward what some would call the horizontal mambo.

"Oh God." I could feel the pain in his voice and clamped down my mind from his harsh broadcasting feelings. The door opened and Dawn came through it, none of us looking up at her.

"Hey guys, what's up?" She moved around to Willow's side and looked down at the screen. At her sharp intake of breath Willow spun around and put her hand over Dawn's eyes, turning her face aside. Xander was mumbling incoherently, but my eyes were on Buffy and her quiet reaction to her own shock. She visibly swallowed and ducked her head in the classic sign of someone knuckling down to an unwanted task. I saw Willow's gaze go from Xander to Buffy and then down at the screen again before back up at Buffy's face before resting on mine for a second. I tried to pull back my thoughts, but it was too late.

"Buffy?" Prompted by my concern, Willow hid her pre-knowledge behind faked surprise and definite concern. Buffy couldn't meet her friend's gaze and lightly shrugged off the hand on my shoulder as she turned away from the group.

"That's enough." She walked now through the kitchen and toward the back yard. Xander broke for the living room and Dawn, after looking from my face gazing after Buffy and then following it to her exit point, followed her. I stood for a second, feeling betrayal through my link with Buffy, and more than a little confusion along the same. I stood looking around as everyone deserted us and Willow babbled about uncertainty of the feed. Willow looked up from the computer and at the retreating sounds of Xander before walking after him. She came back a second later, closing the front door and looking up at me.

"He's gone. He took an axe with him." I didn't think; I just acted. My own feelings were a jumble as I moved past Willow through the front door to my car. I headed out in pursuit of the sharp moving pain that indicated Xander's location. I found him easily enough and pulled up beside him, waving for him to get in.

"I'm not going back."

"I don't want you to. I'm going there and I thought you might want to tag along." After looking at me dumbly for a second, he clambered in and I tore out. We arrived at the Magic Box minutes later and I put my hand on his arm before he could get back out.

"What are you gonna do?"

"I'm not sure, but it's gonna hurt." I acknowledged that he didn't say who it was going to hurt, but his axe would answer that in a minute. As Xander approached the front door, it opened and Spike came out. I was sorry I'd hung back as Xander buried his axe in the door and couldn't tug it out. I did enjoy Spike's surprised face for a second before Xander grabbed him and started hitting him. He knocked him down, picked him back up and threw him against a pillar, punching him again. I looked up as Buffy rounded the corner at the end of the street and decided I'd better get my kicks in while I could. I moved forward as Xander pulled out a stake. Three things happened at once: I reached Spike and knocked him a good one with the momentum of my run, knocking him back against the pillar with a groan. The other two didn't involve me but Anya, coming out of the Magic Box, grabbed Xander and Buffy, moving faster than I could, pushed him into her. I looked up at Buffy's shocked face as she looked from me to Spike and then to Anya as she tried to talk to Xander.

"Don't even try to deny it. 'Cause I saw it all; the whole beautiful show." My attention was on Buffy the entire time and the growing anger I felt from her. My hands clenched and unclenched repeatedly as I wished I could beat it out of Spike, but part of me knew he wasn't really the problem here.

"Didn't take long, did it?" Spike looked up at her and I menaced him with my fist as he flinched away from me.

"Oh okay, I get it. You had to do it, because he was there; like Mount Everest. Like I used to be." I faded out their yell fest and focused back in on Buffy. She watched Xander with wary eyes and I realized she was worried about him staking Spike. I felt anger spring up inside me and planted a kick on Spike's forehead. Buffy looked up at me with a glare that told me she wanted me to stop. I resisted the urge to hit him just for the sake of rebelling against Buffy's wishes in this. I looked back at Xander and felt her gaze on me for a few seconds before she did likewise.

"I'm not joking now. You let that evil, soulless thing touch you. You wanted me to feel something? Congratulations, it worked; I look at you... and I feel sick, 'cause you had sex with that."

"It was good enough for Buffy." Spike had straightened against the pillar and looked at her as he spoke. My eyes flew to her downcast face as Xander prematurely exploded.

"Shut up and leave her out of..." He stopped as he saw her face and took a second for it to register. She slowly looked up to meet his gaze and it was Anya I think who realized it first.

"Buffy."

"Xander."

"I don't want to know this." He dropped the stake with a wooden clatter. "I don't want to know any of this." He left, walking quickly down the street and away from this problem with both girls following his exit with their eyes for a second before Buffy turned back to face down Spike with a glare and with a quick glance at my still furious face, walked away herself. I stood there shaking with both hands clenched, but reigned my mind in from doing anything stupid. My gaze followed her lonely walk after Xander.

"Bloody Xander, buggered up everything. You know, I wish..."

"Don't." Anya cut him off from something that could have ended badly. I decided to end it badly anyway. Anya turned and walked back toward the Magic Box and I felt Spike start to walk away behind me as I kept my gaze on Buffy's retreating figure. When she was out of earshot I turned on my heel and took off after the man really responsible for all of this.

"Spike!" He stopped but didn't turn around.

"What, you want to beat the crap out of me now too? Don't you realize it isn't going to change anything?" He was wrong. As my knuckles found the side of his head I felt a lot better and that was a change I could deal with.

"Why do you always insist on hurting people Spike? That's right, you're a vampire; it's what you do." I put my boot to him where he held himself up on his hands and knees. He collapsed onto his side and tried to roll over onto his feet but my other boot kept him rolling. "What I still don't get is, no matter how many times I tell you to stay out of my way or how many times you hurt Buffy, you still claim to love her. Why is that, Spike?" My left hand found his nose and he fell back from where he was trying to sit up. "I know you can never change. I know that you will always be one of two things... a vampire, or dead. Care to take a bet on which one I want you to be?" My boots were getting quite the workout tonight, and I loved every minute of it. I stopped and looked down at my victim one last time before taking a step back and feeling for the stake that wasn't in my jacket. "Looks like you've got a few more minutes left to live after all. Try to enjoy them." I turned, heading back for the stake Xander'd dropped and I can only guess he wasn't as hurt as he pretended to be; when I turned around he was gone. I took in a breath and sighed it back out slowly, centering myself and tightening my control. I made my way slowly to my car and sat down in the driver's seat, wondering where I was going to go now.

I started the car and looked down at my hand on the shifter as I cursed. I turned the car off and opened the trunk to use the first aid kit and stop the bleeding from my knuckles. This was a good pain, it reminded me of the pain I'd inflicted on someone who deserved it. I started the car again and made my way back to Buffy's house. Willow was there, but didn't ask what'd happened; I guess I'd been broadcasting longer than I thought I had. I did make my way upstairs to Dawn's room and tapped on the door, waiting for her to invite me in before opening the door.

"Hey, I guess you saw more of that than you probably should have. What's up?" She sat up on the edge of her bed and I took a place beside her, but twisted so I could face her as we talked.

"Buffy told me about Spike." I mentally winced at that name, but waited for her to continue. "She also told me it was over. I asked about how long ago and then about if you knew. She told me about what happened when you disappeared for those few weeks. I'm sorry I didn't know back then, but I just figured you had fooled around with my sister and were ditching her. Then when you came back it was like even better because you immediately took care of her again like nothing had happened."

"I had help."

"Yeah, well, I asked about what had happened between you guys since and she told me how lucky she was she had you and that you loved her. Is that true?"

"I actually think I'm the lucky one, but yes I definitely love her."

"So why did she react like that tonight then if she still has you and your love?"

"Babe, I can only speculate. I don't know if she still has feelings for... him, and I don't really want to think about that anyway. I do know that she stopped Xander from staking him tonight, and she stopped me from beating him up before she went for a walk. I'd be out looking for her right now, but I think she needs time to figure it out for herself."

"I think I can understand that. So, you're still sticking around for a bit, right?"

"Well, right now I think I'm going to leave a message for her and go after Xander. He's the one who might really do something stupid tonight, and I don't want that to happen if I can help it."

"Yeah, you should go. I'll be alright here with Willow and I'll call you if Buffy comes back." I gave her a quick hug and went across the hall to let Willow know where I was going and the details of what happened. Her eyes widened when I told her I went back for the stake, but she nodded at my suggestion that I go looking for Xander and indicated her homework helplessly, but asked me to call her if I found him. I made my way slowly downstairs and opened the front door as Tara had her hand raised to knock.

"Hey."

"Hey, is Willow around?"

"Yeah, she's up in her room. I'm on my way out, though, but you can go on up." We traded places and I looked at her back across the threshold. "Good luck." She nodded, a shy, nervous, half smile on her face before she turned and headed up the stairs and I closed the door behind me. I sat for a second in my car and opened myself to the psychic pain screaming away at me and picked the most likely source before opening my eyes and starting the car. The haunt in question was seedy of the disreputable sort and Xander sat at one end of the bar. He was too focused on his thoughts to notice the four or so guys eyeing him from a nearby table, but I did and pulled up my shirt to flash my gun at them on my way to his side. I clapped him on the back and tapped the bar with my other hand to order a drink as I took the stool next to his.

"How could you deal?" I was kind of surprised he'd even ask me, but tried to puzzle out some answer he could accept. The bartender brought me a shot of whiskey and I told him to keep them coming before turning back to Xander.

"This doesn't hurt." I took the shot and put the empty glass back on the table. My levity didn't even warrant a smile and I tried to explain myself again. "I just... dealt. I've had my share of learning how to cope with things I didn't think I could. Maybe I'm just mellowing in my old age. One of my old friends who knew me from before, the first question he asked me after he found out about it, he wanted to know if either one of them was dead. I don't know if there's anything I can tell you that will help." We were silent as the bartender delivered our next round and I found I had one more thing to say. "I love her, Xander. Believe me when I say that doesn't come lightly. I love her and there's nothing I wouldn't do for her. I will be there for her as long as I can be, and I guess that's just all there is to it. I know she'll make mistakes and I'm for damn sure that I'll make some too, probably more. But whatever happens, it doesn't change who she is; why I love her." He nodded, keeping his head down. I took this shot of whiskey a little slower and led the night off into our long bout of silence. It finally ended with me drag walking him back to his apartment complex, just short of a mile away. I would have driven but I was way too drunk to do so safely and didn't want to risk it. After I let us in with his key, I made sure he was fully okay before I made my way back out his front door and slowly back to my car.

I woke up to the sun on my face and a very nice headache starting to set in. I shook it off as best I could with a bottle of water from the trunk and some aspirin from the first aid kit before getting back in the car and making my way to the apartment. I contemplated my bed for a long moment before forcing myself into the shower to clean myself off. The smell of smoke and cheap whiskey gone from my skin and hair made me feel a lot better. I'd plugged my phone in before the shower and now looked at the message icon that hadn't been there before. It was Dawn telling me that Buffy'd just gotten home but had probably come in before to change clothes and go back out. She'd cleaned out the geek's lair and Willow and Tara, who were back together, were going through it. I told her to let them know Xander had gotten home safely but to give him some time to sleep off his hangover. I asked her to call me if anything came up and then finally crawled into my cool inviting bed and the warm comforting sleep.


	25. Red bad

I woke up for the second time that day feeling much better than I had the first time. I was rested, refreshed, and hangover free. I looked at the clock before rolling out of bed for first the bathroom and then the kitchen to take care of my body's needs. I checked to make sure my phone hadn't gone off again and then rechecked my appearance quickly on my way to Buffy's house. I knocked hesitantly on the door and it was Dawn who answered. She gave me a big hug and then released me to see Willow and Tara around the dining room table going over papers, a book and some computer disks.

"How you doing?"

"I'm good, you just missed Buffy though. She said she was going over to find Xander." As we spoke Willow and Tara were whispering conspiratorially together and Willow looked up at me with a gleam in her eye.

_'We're going upstairs to consult a book on some of this stuff.'_ I nodded in response as they stood. Sure they were.

_'Good luck.'_ They both smiled at me as they turned and headed up the stairs. I closed the front door behind me and looked back at Dawn.

"So, what's going on today with you?"

"Not much, I'm heading over to Janice's in a little bit to give Willow and Tara time to, you know, reacquaint. How about you?"

"I still need to find Buffy. We still need to talk about... last night. You okay to go on your own, right?"

"Oh yeah, I think I can walk the three blocks to her house without getting killed."

"Alright then, have fun. I'll catch you later, maybe tomorrow." I gave her another hug and went back out the door. I almost thought a goodbye to Willow, but decided she'd be a little busy right about now. She confirmed that a minute later all on her own and I threw my walls up fast, trying to forget the smell of roses. Instead I waited till I was down the road a ways before trying to find Xander again. I didn't have any luck, though. I guess his pain had dwindled to the point of numb achyness. I searched out Buffy instead and found her waiting to start her patrol in one of the cemeteries as the last vestiges of sunlight slowly faded away. I drove over in her direction and made it just before we lost the sun to the night.

"Hey."

"Hey yourself. Can we talk?" She nodded and got in the car. "How did it go with Xander?"

"Not so good, but we talked. He's been drinking a lot, kinda like his dad; I'm worried about him."

"Well, I'm more worried about you right now."

"About me? I told you, it's over between me and Spike. Don't you believe me?"

"I know that. I'm worried because I got a call from Wesley yesterday. I wanted to tell you then, but we got kind of distracted."

"What did he say?"

"He said things would come to a head over the next few and the danger is definitely human in origin."

"Human? I think I can handle human."

"Buffy, it could mean anything. It could be something from one of your friends, or the geeks, or who knows what. It could even be you or me. The fact is, we just don't know."

"Okay, so I'll be careful. Did you want to come with me through this one or should we split up and get them done more quickly?" I considered staying by her side for the next week, but I wanted to get this done quickly so we could get back to her place. We divided the town between the both of us and kissed quickly before she climbed back out of the car and waved as I pulled off to take care of mine. I'd taken more because the car let me move faster and I only stopped once, but she still beat me back home. I felt it when she got kicked and broke through a tombstone, but otherwise she was fine and started on her way back home. I was in the middle of Spike's cemetery, of course, when I felt her pain and panic. I raced back to the car and slammed it in gear, peeling out. I felt her struggle and wondered who could have pinned her down. In an instant I realized it was Spike and I knew what he was trying to do. The pedal was floored and I squealed around every corner, recklessly dodging through and around traffic as I raced to my love. I didn't make it in time.

I pulled into the driveway and left the car running and the front door open on my way to her side. She was half curled up against the side of the tub, the rest of the bathroom in disarray. Her bathrobe hung open and tears streaked her face. That one look that passed between us was enough to tell me exactly what happened and I fell to my knees beside her, wrapping both arms around her.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm alright, he didn't, I mean I-"

"You stopped him. Where did he go?"

"I don't know." I kissed her forehead and stood to leave but she called me back. "Don't! Just don't, please."

"I knew I should have killed him last night."

"What do you mean you were going to kill him? I stopped Xander from..."

"Just what it sounded like. You're okay now; I'll be back after I take care of some unfinished business." She called for me down the stairs but tunnel vision was coming on in full effect. Xander came through the open door calling something about Warren, but I brushed past him, ignoring his questions and Spike's duster on the stair railing. I was gone into the night, hunting what would be the most satisfying prey I'd had in a long time. I ignored the car, stopping only to turn it off, and stalked off after the one man I had no problem killing for pleasure.

All was for naught. I found his crypt empty, but for Clem. I started looking around while he sat there with his wings watching TV. I ignored his questions as I found some shards of broken glass and the smell of vodka. I looked around some more, and as I came back upstairs Clem finally told me something worthwhile.

"If you're looking for Spike, he's gone."

"Where did he go?"

"I'm not sure, exactly. He was complaining about his chip and how he loved Buf..."

"Do not say her name. Where did he go?" I threw a chair across the room where it broke against the wall and Clem took a step back.

"I don't know. But he's gone, out of town, and I'm just here watching his place for him. That's all I know, I swear." I stormed out past him and turned back at the doorway.

"If you see him, you tell him his days are numbered." I kept walking for a few more hours but had no leads by the time I made it back to her house to find her waiting on the front steps. Waiting for me, I hoped, but she was silent as I leaned against the other pillar. She did fix me with a questioning gaze and I could only shake my head.

"Couldn't find him." I gave no credence whatsoever to Clem's story about him ditching town. I'd already promised myself that I'd find him over the next few days. In the meantime, Buffy had almost been raped. I smacked myself in the head and tried to get back to being the guy I was now instead of the young brash killer I'd been from before. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'll be okay. Xander saw, but the rest of them don't know. I'd like to keep it that way." She was quiet for a while but then started telling me about her fight with super Warren and how the other two got arrested after their attempted heist. She almost chuckled when she got to the part with the jet packs and the incredulous face I couldn't help but make. I mean... Jet packs? Finally she looked up into my eyes and asked me an important question, but by no means currently the most important. "So do you think they were the human threat from the prophecy?"

"I don't know, but according to Wesley we've still got a few days left. I think we should play it safe for a while." She nodded and stood up to walk to the door where she turned and looked back at me. I felt the distance between us symbolized the huge rift in our relationship. This was the whole reason I hadn't killed Spike before, because it might hurt Buffy and that is not something I want to do.

"Are you coming in?" I nodded and moved to her side, closing the door behind me as I followed her up the stairs. I shed my jacket and pants but kept my shirt and shorts on before we crawled into bed. I held her tightly against me, but not so tight she felt trapped. All of my concentration was on comforting her, now, and I didn't want to do anything to remind her of what she'd just been through. I didn't press and she didn't wait. She turned in my embrace to face me and lightly traced the line of my chest with the fingers of her left hand. She tilted her face forward and kissed me.

"He asked me about you, y'know."

"Oh yeah?" Not really sure who we were talking about, but I let her talk it out.

"He told me he loved me and that I should have let Xander kill him. He said that things like trust and comfort are for old married people and that real love was passionate and burning. We still have that, don't we?"

"You're not actually listening to anything he had to say, are you? And if our time together at the lodge didn't seem passionate to you then I need to work on my technique." Those thoughts made her smile, at least. "I love you, Buffy. I don't need to hear you tell me that yet, but I just need you to know that I do. We have trust and we have passion, right along with comfort and heat, but we're not married. That can come in its own time." Now she really smiled and her thoughts were wrapped up in romantic thought of marriage and flowers and dresses that drifted her off to sleep, distracting her from the entire ordeal.

The next morning started off normally enough. I hadn't gotten much sleep the night before and was a little groggy as I looked up at Buffy's retreating figure on her way to the bathroom. I sat up and stretched, yawning and popping my shoulders before standing and pulling on my pants. Buffy didn't let me tuck my pistol under the pillow when I spent the night so I kept it under the side of the bed I slept on. It got tucked back into its position, forward of my hip on my strong side, after I checked to make sure it was still loaded. I made my way past the girls' rooms, Dawn's was empty and Willow and Tara were making sounds of getting up. I went downstairs to use the bathroom and washed my face trying to fully wake up. I poured some juice into two glasses and held the one out for Buffy as she came through the door. We sat together, enjoying our liquid breakfast, and spoke of inconsequential subjects to keep the mood light. She put the empty glass in the sink and headed outside to the back yard. I stood at the window watching her for a few minutes, finishing the rest of my juice and wondering if she was really okay or if it was still just an act. I watched as she picked up a stick and started poking at the plants in the backyard and then as Xander came around from the side of the house to start talking with her. I saw them hug and grinned as I decided to join them. My eyes were on Xander as he nodded slightly to something Buffy said but then his eyes went wide as he pulled back and I followed where he was looking. Warren came around the side of the fence and started yelling. Warren... with a gun!

I kicked into overdrive. My hand found my pistol and started pulling it out as I ran toward Buffy. I watched Warren raise his gun in slow motion and fired a split second after he did. I fired three times to his five, tackling into Buffy and Xander as one of my rounds found his leg. Pain and fire spread through me in a freakily familiar sensation, centering on my chest. I tried to sit halfway up to index on the threat, but was suddenly too weak to do anything but breathe. Faintly I heard someone calling my name and saw Buffy looking down on me. My eyes were open but I saw very little and then even less as the world started to fade away. I came to, I think, in an ambulance but the only thing I saw was my hand being clutched in both of Buffy's. She leaned forward and said something but I couldn't hear a word she said, only marvel at her own spreading redness under a compress being held by Xander. The world went black again and I welcomed the freedom from pain, like a cool wave splashed against my back sending a chill down my spine.

Next thing I knew and I was again surrounded by pain. I pushed against it with my mind and tried to bring both hands to bear against it, but they were pushed back down against the bed easily. I tried to look around but my head was similarly restrained and then... nothing. Not quite nothing, though. Not only was the pain gone, it had never existed. I was warm but not too warm, and cool but not too cool. I was relaxed, I was welcome, and I was free. I was complete. I was whole. I had been here before. I opened my eyes and took in the wonder and beauty before me, what could only be described as perfection. I don't know how long I was here before, time had no meaning, but it was the same. I floated free of every worldly concern, lost in simple contentment for an eon or more. Without warning I felt a sharp tug and, ripping and tearing, I was slammed back into my body. I opened my eyes and took in a shuddering breath of agony. The lights blinded me as I looked up at Willow standing above me with her hand held open over my chest.

"What happened?" I turned my head looking around for clues to where I was. On the left were medical implements so that meant hospital. On my right was Willow and past her another ER table with Buffy sitting up looking at me. With a wave of Willow's hand in Buffy's direction, she looked down at the compress on her shoulder and pulled it off to reveal untouched flesh. I looked down at my own chest and saw mending well underway, but not completed. I poked my finger into the open wound and pulled it out quickly. The bleeding had stopped and the bullet was gone, but the hole remained.

"The flesh will take time to mend where the scar was already. You will heal." Willow's black hair billowed as she stalked out of the room, Xander heading after her leaving Buffy and I looking at each other.

"Human threat... you saved my life." She stood and moved easily, the blood on her shirt just a reminder of how close I'd come to losing her forever.

"Thank me later, if it sticks." I sat up fully, wincing at the effort and the pain. Buffy grabbed a small clean gauze pad and stuck it in place over my wound taping it down. I let her work on me and then caught her face in both hands and she stared into my eyes.

"How long was I gone?" She shook her head and the tear that had been waiting to fall finally did, followed by its comrades in trails down her cheeks.

"Too long; not more than a few minutes." I averted my eyes and crushed her to my chest, our close contact throwing wide the link between us. At her shocked intake of breath she pulled back and looked into my eyes. "You were there! Oh my God, how could she have... You were there!" I was still weak, a fact I soon realized as I tried to subdue the Slayer and failed.

"Buffy I'm alright. I'm fine, Buffy."

"She shouldn't, you didn't deserve..."

"It was worth it." I caught her about the shoulders and pulled my head to her chest, wrapping my arms around her waist. My own tears threatened to fall but I ignored them and tried to tell her what was real. "I'm here, with you and that's all that matters to me; Heaven can wait." She held me to her for a long moment.

"I thought I'd lost you. Jake I..."

"Don't, I can hear it later. It'll give me something to live for." As much as I wanted her to believe I was fine and alright, I knew she saw through the façade. What I needed now was hope that this world would get better. I needed anything that would take my mind off of the thought that maybe next time I could stay gone for good. No, for now I would live and love and fight, that's what I do; that's all I'll ever do. I squared my shoulders and kept one arm around her as we left that room and that idea behind. We caught up with Xander and Willow at the front of the hospital getting into his car. I wanted to go with them, but Buffy told me she'd be back for me, to stay here and heal. Before I could chase after her, a sharp pain almost brought me to my knees and it was all I could do to keep on my feet. I watched her as she got into the car with them and drove off. I walked back to the room to find an ER doctor and as soon as he saw me he went white as a ghost.

"You- you're dead."

"Not even remotely. I just need a little something for the pain." His eyes went to my cut open shirt and the covered wound that was now seeping blood slowly.

"You've been shot, you should have morphine."

"No! No morphine, just something that won't make me loopy." He was very helpful after I threatened to break his arm and in ten minutes I had my own room and had taken a handful of the extra strength pain relievers. I sat in lotus position on the bed and worked to repair my mind, shelling up the sides of my pain blocks and trying to brick up and lock away any thoughts of paradise. I cleaned house on my mind and when I was ordered enough to function again, finally opened my eyes. The orderly standing in the room ordered to watch me was not a problem, but the lack of sunlight outside was. I walked out the front door and I saw the orderly call someone, but I kept walking all the way back to where I belonged; back to Buffy's house. The cop car pulled up beside me and tried to talk to me, but I told him I was fine and what my name was, if he had a problem with me he could look me up. Apparently he did because he pulled off and let me walk back to the house in peace.

Xander's car was in the driveway next to mine and the front door was open so I walked in, closing it behind me. I walked through the first floor slowly and then made my way up the stairs one step at a time. I heard Buffy's voice before I saw it as she and Dawn came out of Willow's room. I let them move past me down the stairs and walked into the room to see Xander looking down at Tara's body on the floor. At least she must have gone quickly, I told myself. I looked back up at Xander's face and he stepped forward as my knee betrayed me, buckling as I took a step forward. I let him keep his hand on my back as I straightened and we made our way back downstairs. I sat on the other side of Dawn being cradled by Buffy and wrapped them both in my arms as Xander made a call. They came to take her away after maybe half an hour and he took care of all the paperwork and talking with the cops. Buffy and he had gotten cleaned up while I held Dawn, or she held me, on the couch and now I sat behind Buffy leaning against the back of the couch.

"We need to find Willow."

"Yeah, she's off the wagon big time. Warren's a dead man if she finds him."

"Good." The conviction in Dawn's voice would have sent chills down my spine if I hadn't have been so distracted by other concerns.

"Dawn, don't say that."

"Why not? I'd do it myself if I could." Now the chills came and I wasn't the only one they hit. Xander and Buffy exchanged looks and then all of their attentions on Dawn's face.

"Because you don't really feel that way."

"Yes I do. And you should too. He killed Tara and he nearly killed Jake. He shot you and tried to shoot Xander too. He needs to pay."

"Out of the mouths of babes."

"Shut up Xander, you're not helping." I leaned forward, my hands on Buffy's shoulders. "Dawn, leave the killing to those who are cursed to do it."

"Cursed..." Buffy's voice trailed away and I hoped she wouldn't tell them where I'd been.

"I'm just saying. He's as bad as any vampire you've sent to dustville."

"Being a slayer doesn't give me a license to kill. Warren's human."

"So?" Dawn's word spoke for me as well. Killing people like Warren is what I used to do for money.

"So the human world has its own rules for dealing with people like him." Buffy said.

"Yeah, we all know how well those rules work." Retorted Xander.

"Precisely why I got into the business in the first place." I reflected out loud.

"Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. We can't control the universe. If we were supposed to, then the magic wouldn't change Willow the way it does. And we'd be able to bring Tara back."

"And Mom." Dawn spoke with her head down.

"There are limits to what we can do. There should be. Willow doesn't want to believe that and now she's messing with forces that want to hurt her, all of us."

"I just... I've had blood on my hands all day. Blood from people I love." I felt for Xander, thankful that not all of Buffy's blood had been spilled.

"I know. And now it has to stop. Warren is going to get what he deserves, I promise. But I will not let Willow destroy herself." Xander shook his head and sighed before he asked what all of us wanted to know.

"Okay, where do we go? She could be anywhere."

"I don't know, maybe the Magic Box, some kind of locator spell. I could go myself." She looked back at me, worry in her eyes, but I smiled as reassuringly as I could.

"No, no. I'm cool. I'll go." Xander volunteered.

"Dawn can't stay here by herself." I said as I stood up and moved to the door so Buffy couldn't protest. I heard Dawn protest to Buffy behind me.

"Let me go with you. I want to."

"No, honey, it's too dangerous."

"But, it's Willow. She needs us."

"She does. And you'll help her, lots okay. But first we have to get her home in one piece."

"But..."

"Dawn! I'm serious. You've been through enough for more than one... ever. You should be someplace where you feel safe." I couldn't hear them as I walked outside and tried to concentrate on my link to Willow. I got a lot of grief and anger, some kind of plan, but I had no idea where she was. It was Xander's raised voice near the door that clued me something else was wrong, but as they all came down the steps he asked if he could ride with me to the Magic Box. I shrugged and tossed him the keys, but he hesitated and asked if we could take his car.

"Never learned how to drive stick, huh?"

"Haven't had much time with the death and all the fighting of evil going around." I saw the girls start walking down the sidewalk as we pulled out and asked him where they were going. "Buffy's gonna drop Dawn off at a... friend's she feels safe with while we go find Willow. First stop, the Magic Box." I was quiet the rest of the ride, trying to cope with the massive amount of rage and grief Willow was broadcasting all over town. We pulled up and we found Anya unable to move her feet or to talk, but waving her arms at us. Gradually it started to wear off and Xander helped her walk around and sit down. She told us how Willow had sucked the books dry of black arts magic and had left just as quickly, leaving her here. Xander asked if she could do a spell and was surprised when she told him she could feel her.

"What, is that like left over from your vengeance demon days?"

"Not left over, she is a demon." Xander whirled to face me where I stood next to the register leaning against the counter and then back at Anya, the question on his face. She nodded silently and he let it sink in.

"Oh."

"Yeah." She responded and the door chime went off as Buffy came in. She crossed to hug me first, and I nodded at her, a smile on my face, before she turned to her friends.

"Is everyone okay? Did Willow...?"

"Got her power boost and took off." Buffy sighed and I moved up behind her. I waited as they got her to finally tell us where Willow was and then we took off, piling into Xander's car and followed Anya's directions to the closes part of the woods we could park. We walked quickly through the woods, I hung back and could barely keep up but I managed somehow. We found them with Warren hung up by his wrists and ankles, grabbed by some kind of vines or roots from the trees around them.

"Willow!" Buffy called out as we rounded the last brush between us and them. We ran forward but were again too late; Willow waved her hand and tore his skin off his body. The girls and Xander pulled up shocked, but I kept going; yelling for her to stop, to wait. She ignored me and with a look incinerated his body into a puff of smoke.

"Willow, what did you do?" Buffy's voice came from behind me as I tried to grab Willow, but her eyes glowed orange and she disappeared in a flash of lightning and some swirling smoke.

"One down." Her last words to me echoed in the silence as I turned back to the group. We were running now, without a word, stopping occasionally for Xander to get sick or for me to catch my breath. During the last time we stopped for Xander, he wasn't sick but I could empathize with his first taste of that kind of torture. Anya explained the difference between what Willow did and what she could do.

"Teleporting." She said, and disappeared. We walked quickly back to the car but found it trashed. Buffy didn't have time for this; she had to go stop Willow.

"Meet me at the jail." She took off running. I badly wanted to be able to keep up with her, but not as badly as Xander who called out after her.

"Okay, then. I'll just catch up. She's only my best friend, you know. No big deal, just... glad I can help." I felt his pain as he hit the hood of his car and surveyed the damage.

"We might be able to get it rolling again, but it won't be pretty." We tried, but it only got us out of the woods. We split up, him heading directly for the police station and I raced to Buffy's house to try and drive my car. I managed to shift and steer with my right hand and did finally make it there just as Xander pulled away with Buffy scrambling into the police car. Looks like I was doomed to be one step behind tonight. They peeled out and away as I climbed out of the car and looked up at the hole in the building the cops were all looking at and the scream from inside it.

"Willow!" I called for her and pushed my presence back through our link. She didn't even falter once as she came back out the hole and floated down at me.

"No interference!" I got hit with a blast of dark purple energy that knocked me flat on my back. I looked at her as she floated away into the night and had to be helped to my feet by a random police officer. I thanked him and leaned against my car as I tried to follow Buffy with my thoughts. Willow had commandeered a semi truck and was chasing them down, but seemed to be draining. That meant she'd be looking for something to recharge her battery. I sat in my car for a long moment before starting it back up and heading for the Magic Box. If the guys got away from Willow they'd stop by here to see if Anya could help them again. They were already there, like I said; a step behind. Two young men I'd guess were Jonathon and Andrew were sitting at the table while Anya was puzzling out some kind of text.

"Everyone alright?" Xander nodded and Buffy turned to face me.

"We think she's draining. We need to go." I nodded and took her back to the car. She watched me in concern as I winced while I shifted.

"I'm okay, Buffy."

"No, you're not. But you will get there. Thank you." I smiled at her and the hand she put on my thigh. We drove by the cemetery and she told me to stop. I sat in silent shock as she ran in the direction of Spike's crypt. Is that where she had left Dawn? She told me she just wanted me to drop her off and wait in the car for her and Dawn, but came back alone.

"How could you leave her here?"

"Spike's gone, I left her with Clem. They're gone now too."

"Where would they go?" She thought about it for a second and then told me to head downtown.

"She'd look for Willow, so she'd go to Rack's. We need to hurry." I put the pedal down and we were on our way. I squealed around a corner and knew I was heading in the right direction. I pulled up to a stop in front of an alley to narrow to drive down and pointed. Buffy nodded, she felt it too. I waited again for her to go in and bring Dawn out, but it took a lot longer than I thought it would. In a flash of pain I realized they weren't there anymore, they were back at the Magic Box. I peeled out as I sped my way back over to the shop. I was about to rush in when a voice stopped me in my tracks.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you." I looked at the dark figure as he stepped out of the shadows, power radiating from him.

"Giles?"

"Indeed." I would have shaken his hand, but he had to get inside, sounds of the scuffle were getting louder. He opened the door quietly and took a second to survey the scene before launching a ball of energy at Willow.

"I'd like to test that theory." Buffy stood up from where she'd been knocked down and couldn't seem to believe he was here.

"Giles?" I looked at Anya as she sat and then stood up, repeating Buffy's question.

"Uh oh, Daddy's home. I'm in wicked trouble now." Willow wasn't impressed, yet. I had the feeling she soon would be, but right now I was no match for her so held back.

"You have no idea. You have to stop what you're doing." Giles was walking slowly toward her now, his hands in front of him.

"Sorry, can't do that. I'm not finished yet."

"Neither am I." Willow went to stand up, but Giles wasn't done speaking. "Stay down." She fell back down, hard.

"How'd you do that?" Willow answered Anya's question.

"That's borrowed power. No way is it gonna be strong enough to..."

"I'm here to help you." Giles continued moving forward toward her.

"Thanks, but I think I can kill a couple geeks all by myself. But hey, if you'd like to watch; that is what you watchers are good at, right? Watching? Butting in on things that don't concern you?" There was a bitterness now that ran through Willow's voice. The rest of us were all stuck in tableau as we watched the scene play out between these two magic users.

"You concern me, Willow. Stay on this path and you'll wind up dead."

"Will, listen to him. I don't want to fight you anymore." Buffy spoke for the first time since Giles had taken control of the situation.

"I don't want to fight you either. I want to fight him." She magically rose to her feet and shrugged it off when Giles tried to make her stay down. "Remember that little spat we had before you left? When you were under the delusion that you were still relevant around here? You called me a rank arrogant amateur. Well buckle up, Rupert, cause I've turned pro." Her voice had changed and the air grew colder at her threat. I resisted the urge to step back out the door. She started trying to summon something but with a word and a gesture Giles threw a ball of energy that wrapped around Willow, stopping her motion and then her words.

"What did you do?" The field was now levitating her vertically as her neck went lax, letting her head fall backward.

"Contained her and her powers within a binding field. It puts her in a kind of stasis for the time- oh; you've cut your hair." Buffy wrapped herself into his embrace and Anya stepped forward almost nervously.

"I'm blond. I colored my hair, again. I'm blond."

"I can see that." He wrapped them both up in his arms and I bided my time through the group hug and then his apology to Willow and her response that it wouldn't hold her before I stepped forward to ask my question.

"This spell isn't dependant on your will to operate, is it?"

"Why no, it's not. Why do you ask?" I smiled and slugged him a good one across the jaw, instantly regretting the jar to my open wound. He looked up shocked from the floor and Anya rushed to his side while Buffy pulled my shoulder, turning me to face her.

"What did you do that for?"

"He knows why, babe. Don't worry, I'm finished." I offered my hand to Giles and he accepted it as I helped him to his feet.

"Quite. Sure you're finished? Alright then, now that that's done, Buffy if you don't mind." I watched them walk into the workout room to talk more privately and Anya walked up to me to smack me across the face.

"What'd you do that for?"

"You punched our rescuer. Why'd you do it anyway?"

"I told you, he knows why and I know why. Isn't that enough?"

"No."

"Alright, he left Buffy. It's as simple as that."

"So you just punch him? God, you're no better than Xander." I smirked at that one, and sat down in an intact chair I righted for the purpose. I sat down hard and leaned back. I didn't realize I'd fallen asleep. Can you blame me? I had a hard day, getting shot, making the long trip to heaven and back again, and then chasing Buffy across town a few times trying to find Willow. Not to mention the whole Buffy/Spike thing keeping me awake most of the night before. It's amazing to think of all the stuff that can happen in one day in this town.

I woke up to a hand touching my shoulder and Willow looking down into my tired eyes. For a second I forgot about all the mayhem and death that had happened before and just smiled up into her dark, dark eyes. Realization and memory came back with a snap as she threw me across the room, still smiling and winced herself as I broke through the rubble of a bookcase. My link with her was still open and she could feel the pain I felt both in my chest and my back as the new injuries took hold. With one more rush of energy from her fingertips I was out cold again, in an unpleasant way this time.

I came to as the wall came crashing in and the ceiling fell down. I rolled away from a large piece of timber careening toward my head and looked around for anyone else left alive. I saw Giles standing in the doorway to the training room and heard Willow before she walked over to stand facing him.

"That all you got Geeves?" They traded barbs back and forth as I watched Buffy peek her head around the corner of the hole in the wall. Willow waved her hand in front of her face, healing a small cut there, and then kept talking to Giles; launching an energy attack his direction. Buffy leaped forward knocking Giles out of the way and Willow's attack broke through a pillar and caused the upper level to come crashing down in a cloud of books and dust.

"You're always saving everyone, its kind of pesky." I stood from the wreckage surrounding me and took a step toward Willow as she stooped to scoop up some fire into her palm. "You probably even think you're buying escape time for Jonathon and the other one. Well I got a little secret for you. I can kill them from anywhere I want, with this. It'll find them; it'll bury them, along with anyone else helping those dead-men-walking." Buffy stood quickly and I pondered what exactly I was going to do. I thought about using my gun, but I didn't want to do that yet. Probably wouldn't do any good, anyway.

"Don't."

"Unless somebody, somehow, can get there in time to save them. Huh, oh well. Fly my pretty, fly." With a flick of her wrist she released the now larger fireball and it made a hole in the roof. I made a break for the front door and dove into my car, kicking the passenger door open. Buffy came running through the front door a second later and dove into my already moving car. I navigated by fireball and tried to guess where they were hiding / running to. I looked up with a start and almost ran into a pole, if Buffy hadn't yelled out in time. I felt a yank in a different direction, like my connection to Willow was a kind of black hole, sucking in anything, any connection, to this world she could. I felt a piece of myself go to her and grew diminished within myself. I looked around trying to get my bearings and Buffy shouted out.

"There it goes; it's ahead of us again!" I changed direction slightly and gained on my fiery beacon.

"Willow's going to end the world."

"What?!" I hadn't realized I'd said so out loud until she questioned me about it. I knew, beyond a shadow of doubt that she wanted to end the pain, her pain, my pain, everybody's pain all at once. I nodded my head at Buffy and looked up. The fireball was starting to come down into the cemetery in front of us. I ran the car up onto the grass and tore out running after Buffy. She ran yelling at them to move, but I couldn't see them yet and I wanted to stop running so badly. I forced myself onward, I didn't have a choice. I saw her jump and tackle the two punks as the fireball cut between me and them, creating a deep hole in the ground. Dawn started crawling, but something like an aftershock happened and the ground gave way beneath her screaming body. Buffy crawled to the edge and tried to catch her, but with another rumble she started to fall too. I dove and grabbed the heel of her boot, barely holding on. It wasn't even a rumble, more like a sigh of the ground, as I slipped down the hole headfirst, rolling to land on my back with an oomph.

Buffy got up first and looked around, barely moving out of the way of a sword falling from above. The sword impaled itself straight down in the dirt near where she was standing. I pulled myself to my feet with a groan as another sword fell to land flat on the dirt. Dawn joined us in looking around this cavern of rock and random coffins sticking out of the earth. We could probably climb up, but it wouldn't be easy. I reached into my change pocket of my pants and pulled out my old Zippo, a relic to my days spent smoking, and flicked it on to get a better view. Nothing really of use down there but the two swords and my pistol, and no rope we could use to climb out with. There were some roots down the side of one wall and I boosted Buffy up to try and climb. She grabbed a thin looking root and it broke causing her to lose her balance and fall. I reached out and caught her just like from cheerleading, but had to drop her feet as my chest pulled with her weight. She stumbled but stood up as I had to fall. I landed halfway against the rock wall of the cavern and pulled my knees up.

"God, it never gets any easier, does it." I pulled myself into a ball and willed the world to leave me alone for all of ten minutes, God damn it. I didn't realize I was walking back and forth humming to myself, but Buffy told me about it later. She wrapped her arms around me and pulled my head into her chest as I mumbled about things not being fair and pain and death. She told me I started talking about torture devices and saying things in Arabic. She told me about how I cried and tried to pull away from her, from Dawn, from the world. She wouldn't let me go and kept me with her, telling me everything was going to be okay and pulling my head into her lap so she could stroke my back and run her fingers through my hair. I fell asleep like that, she said, still mumbling parts of different sentences all run together. I woke up to the light peeking its way down the hole and Buffy trying to climb again.

"What happened?" Dawn spoke from behind me where she had curled up and looked like she was trying to sleep.

"You fell asleep and Buffy held you. Are you okay?" I didn't even think, just responded as all combat troops do on instinct.

"Good to go, why wouldn't I be?" She shook her head and closed her eyes again, pulling herself further against the wall. I looked up as Buffy fell again and I couldn't move to catch her in time. She landed on her feet and looked up at me. "Are you okay?"

"We need to get out of here." She turned her head skyward and yelled for Xander, but there was no response. She moved to a coffin sticking out of the wall and tried pulling on it, watching it move just a little. With a sigh she picked up a sword and tried breaking up the dirt around it.

"What are you doing?" Dawn stood up as she asked her question and Buffy answered over her shoulder.

"If we can pull these out we can use them for height and maybe get out of here." Dawn looked around again as if seeing the cave for the first time.

"This looks kinda like the tunnels Spike uses to get around. Maybe one of them connects with this somewhere."

"That's the last place on earth we need to be."

"Oh, but it was good enough for you to take me there after what he did to you?"

"What he..."

"Tried to do, whatever."

"Xander." Buffy stabbed the sword back into the ground and I walked a little down and around the corner so I could leave them to their sisterly talk they needed to do.

"So it's true."

"Dawn, you may not have noticed, we are in really big trouble here."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because you didn't need to know."

"Yes, I do. I need to know. I'm not a kid anymore."

"Dawn, I'm trying to protect you."

"Well you can't. Look around, Buffy; we're trapped in here. Willow's killing, and people I love keep dying. And you cannot protect me from that." I sensed Buffy was going to say something profound but she got cut off by Xander's voice ringing down from above.

"Hello?" He called down to ask if we were okay and where we all were. Buffy asked if Jonathon and Andrew were up there with him, but he said they must have left when he was knocked out.

"Xander you've gotta find some kind of rope or something and get us out of here."

"Right, okay I'll uh, take a look around." Buffy was yelling for him to hurry as I stepped out of the way of someone teleporting in. It was Anya, and her news was bad.

"Things just got a whole lot worse."

"How worse?"

"End of the world worse. Willow's going to destroy it."

"She can really do that?" I realized we hadn't told Dawn yet what I had inadvertently told Buffy in the car.

"You might be surprised, Dawnie." Anya turned to me and then back to Buffy as she explained about the temple on Kingman's Bluff.

"There's no temple on Kingman's Bluff."

"That just means there used to be or there will be soon. We need to get out of here." Buffy nodded at my suggestion and Anya started laying on the whole deal about the temple, something about draining the earth's life energy and focusing it to burn the whole world up.

"Not if I can help it."

"You can't; something else Giles said, no magic or supernatural force can stop her. I should get back to him; he's alone."

"Anya, is he okay?" Anya was silent for a drawn out moment before she answered, playing with her hands.

"I don't think he's got a lot of time left. I'm sorry." One last look around and she was gone. For a long moment, none of us wanted to say anything or could even look at each other. Buffy turned skyward in desperation and called again for a rope from Xander.

"You heard what Anya said, you heard what Giles said."

"I heard... and I don't care. I have to try." Her speech motivated me and I started on another coffin, trying desperately to pull it from the cavern wall, working though the pain and the renewed blood flowing down my shirt.

"I am not going to just sit here while Willow incinerates what I have chosen to protect. I have to stop her." For a second I thought it was just in my head, but then I saw Buffy and Dawn look up at the voice from the air.

"Always the slayer, great to the last."

"Willow?" Buffy stopped what she was doing and spoke to the air in front of us.

"And it is the last, you know? For all your fighting thinking you're saving the world, and in the end I'm the only one that can save it."

"By killing us?"

"It's the only way to stop the pain. I can't take it anymore. But I know you, Buffy; you're a warrior. You won't go out without a fight. I don't really have time for one, but you should go out fighting."

"Willow, what are you..."

"It was me that took you out of the earth, took you out of heaven. Well now, the earth wants you back." The cavern started to shake and these things started pulling themselves out of the walls around us. They didn't look like any demon I'd ever seen, but that didn't stop them from trying to kill us. Buffy grabbed the sword nearest her and I tried to move so we were back to back, but there were just too many of them and more on the way.

"They just keep coming. I can't take them all. Dawn, will you help me?"

"I got your back." She handed her younger sister the sword and they both attacked with a renewed vengeance. I wish I could say the same.

"What you think I never watched you?" Was her response as Buffy tried to help her and she saved herself. The whole time I was being attacked and barely scraped by through my part of the fight I was wishing it could just end, wishing I could just stop it all and go back to sleep. Don't get me wrong, I fought long and hard, and I took it out on each and every one of those demons I came across. To tell the truth, I didn't know whether to be happy or sad when the blade pierced my chest. In the next instant I heard Dawn yell out in fear and pain, looking back over my shoulder I saw the dirt-demon thing fighting her had shoved her blade arm forcing her to stab me. I didn't blame her, though; I knew it wasn't her fault. I fought through the pain as she pulled it out of me and put it into one of them. I fought it as much as I could as I beat it into them, ignoring the blood coming down my chest and back as I struggled against the three demons intent on killing the ones I love. I finally lost it and slipped in some mud, mud from my own blood, and landed on my back. I lay there looking up at the fight and tried not to distract Buffy. The earth was shaking and the fight grew rougher and I was proud of Dawn as she battled her way through the day, but the sparks in front of my eyes detracted somewhat from the experience. I felt something come back to myself, something from Willow, and found the strength to open my eyes again.

"What happened?" The demons dissolved back into the dirt that sprung them and the girls looked around.

"Willow. Xander's with her." My voice sounded wet even to me. I lay there on my back and realized that one side of my chest felt heavier than the other. In a flash Buffy was back by my side asking if I was okay. I tried to tell her that I was just fine, but couldn't get the words past my lips. My thoughts were with Willow and her returned grief, as she let go of her rage. I hoped she would be okay before I closed my eyes.

"Jake!" I opened my eyes and looked up at the woman I loved and knew I could not give up. "Don't leave me, Jake." My lips curved up in a shaky smile and I relaxed into peace at her next words. "I love you."


	26. Epilogue

"Listen sister, that ain't gonna cut it." The conversation in the next partitioned part of the room catches my attention and draws me out of my self destructive thoughts. After sitting in this bed or ones like it for the last two weeks, TV has lost all interest for me and they wouldn't let me connect to the internet at all. The distraction has caused me to realize I'm about to lose the battle of wills against my bladder and I reach for the wheelchair sitting next to my bed. It took a while, but I did finally manage to convince somebody that I was now healthy enough to make it to the bathroom on my own instead of having to put up with the humiliatingly cold bedpan. I was, however, not the expert I had thought myself to be with the wheelchair, which I now proved as I slowly and painfully levered my weight firmly into the chair and then made quickly for the john.

The pain, effort, and sheer time consuming nature of the trip it took for me to complete this necessary bodily function made me want to put it off as long as possible, thereby making the trip as few times as possible. I still couldn't stand up at the toilet, so I had yet another near Olympian level physical ordeal to finally position my body appropriately. Pleasure finally hit me as the pressure was released and a sense of normalcy, or as close as I come to it these days, returned to me. Getting my body back into the chair and then rolling over to the sink to wash up took more time and made me reflect once again on the idiocy of whoever had designed this system; having to get back into the wheelchair after utilizing the facilities and cleaning up yourself before being able to wash your hands. At least this sink and mirror were low enough I could use them seated.

I turned the water off and stared at my reflection for a long moment before I caught myself participating in a staring contest with my self. I still marveled at the new scar puckering my flesh from my forehead down through my eyebrow and across my eyelid itself before starting afresh in my cheek. A shallow cut, to be sure, but an annoying facial blemish I'd wished I could do without even if I did get it in a most enjoyable fashion. I took back that silent wish a half second later as I thought of the other marks that war and not love had put on my body.

I stared down at my hands in wonder and at the virtual plethora of scars there. I watched as each scar told a part of both my story and the story of others fighting with me, either alongside or against. If one knew where to look, they could see love and the building up of life along with rage that was born of hate on the same fingers. The knuckles of my right hand told of many a jaw they'd come across and the ones on my left still echoed the plate glass window I'd lashed out on in a blind fury. I recalled not feeling any pain when it happened, but instead the steady wet warm drip on my foot had caught my attention. I could still remember the curiosity tinged with mild awe at what I had done as I pulled out a long sliver of glass that had imbedded itself in my hand.

Here was where I'd been desperately bitten by a man in a hold he could not undo. Over here was the sword cut accidentally given to me by my old friend when we used to train together back in the Dojo. I skipped over much of the same on both hands: knife cuts, broken glass, even a small chunk of myself gone forever; as my inspection moved down to my wrists. I carefully played with my roughened flesh there as I wondered how many times I'd pulled against a rope tied around them, how long I'd been chained to a wall. I looked further up one forearm in the mirror to examine the long scar that'd laid my flesh open to the bone, and I remembered the laughing face of the girl that gave it to me as I traced its design. My elbows bore teeth marks and my right shoulder the tattoo of my Dojo.

In the Army, on your uniform, the patch for the unit you've seen combat with is worn on the right shoulder, even if you go to a different unit. Even if you retire, you can still wear that patch and say 'I was there with this group'. I looked at that tattoo and realized how true it was, and how alike I was to it. I felt at the still healing bullet wound in my upper left chest with my hand and then I pulled up my flimsy hospital gown to reveal longer and, sometimes, deeper cut marks across my stomach and the start of older bullet marks walking their way upwards in the same direction of the new one. And then finally I pulled it up to see the deepest cut of them all; a straight line, more or less, about two inches long to the left side of my chest above my stomach. That's what I'd see if the bandage didn't disguise it, anyway; that and the answering one on my back.

A flash of pain as I touched the red spot on the wrapping reminded me of the fight I'd got it in and the fear in her voice as she'd called out for help for me; somebody, anybody. I'd call myself, if I thought I needed it is what I'd told myself at the time but of course I didn't realize my lung was collapsing until I found myself short of breath and unable to move. With first feeling dizzy then seeing sparks in front of my eyes to finally the world growing even dimmer than it already was, I lay there in her arms and willed it all away to smile at her the last smile I thought she'd ever see on my face.

Here is how the world ends, at least for me, it thought. Not with a growl or a roar, but with a whimper and a smile at the words she'd given as unknowing gifts.

They'd even saved most of the lung, they'd told me, quite proud of themselves of course; but we'd still have to see about that. I stretched slightly and felt the pull of the stitches remind me to stop before I started bleeding again. I was still having problems standing upright and tended to slouch over when I sat down, but I was pushing it everyday I could until I couldn't stand the pain or the blood spot started spreading. Then I would slouch back down or curl into a ball on my side and wait to compose myself before calling the nurse to check for bleeding. I'd lost count of the times I'd been scolded for aggravating the injury or heard the threats of being stuck here for extra days.

I physically shrugged as I pushed those meaningless words aside. Looking at my face again reminded me of who I was. I wasn't the invalid, I was just the injured. I would heal, I would stand, and run, and fight and I would get the job done again. They couldn't stop me, they can only slow me down and only I would be the one to decide by how much. As long as she was still out there and as long as I wasn't dead yet, then there was still work I needed to do; and I'll be damned if I'd let someone else do it for me when I could do it myself.

Speak of the devil, I heard her unmistakable voice from the other room and pulled myself quickly out of my reverie to flush the toilet again and run some water to splash my face with before drying off. I wrestled with the door and won as it let me out to see that wonderful smiling face. I wheeled myself over to the bed where she moved in effortlessly to assist me into my bed by picking me up as though I were a feather and gently putting me down before sitting on the edge of the bed herself.

At the worry in her eyes, as she sat close to me with her hand in mine, I forgot all about the internal battle I'd just waged with myself. The smile I was never surprised to feel when she was around sprung onto my face as a reflex and her refreshed answering smile was like a sunrise that, as it reached her eyes, sent all the clouds running and brightened up my day perfectly. We sat there quietly, both still smiling at each other, until her slightly parting lips gave me the perfect opportunity to prove to her my returning vitality. Her comment was going to have to wait until I really, truly believed as she did... that I would be back in the fight.

A/N: That's the end of this story. Let me know what you think. Also, keep your eyes out for the next installment of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Jake the...


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